Waiting for Tangled Legs

I've got a million thoughts, so settle in. I hope you have a comfy chair. I hope I can organize myself enough to say what I really want to say.

Church was awesome tonight. We were finishing up Ecclesiastes.

Ecclesiastes 11:8 NIV
However many years a man may live, let him enjoy them all. But let him remember the days of darkness, for they will be many.

I like the New Century Version better:

People ought to enjoy every day of their lives, no matter how long they live. But they should also remember this: You will be dead a long time. Everything that happens then is useless.

I've written about this before - not being happy where I am in life. I keep tip-toeing around the actual words. Let me be honest - it's true - I do not like being single. I'm not happy being single. I've used the word "hate" to describe what I feel. But, you know what? I have breath right now. I'm alive right now. When I'm dead - single or married won't matter. Do I waste my life right now by continuing to focus on the one aspect of my life that I don't like? There is so much in my life that I do like - I love being a mom. Teaching is the greatest job in the world. I have great friends who love me very much. I'm healthy. I get to eat what I want when I want. I have money to buy the things I need, as well as many of the things I want. I have a church that I love that I'm starting to get involved in (working the parking lot tomorrow & I'm actually excited about it!). My point is that I'm going to try to focus on the good.

Oh - you'll hear me complain again, I'm sure. I have a deep desire to be a wife again. It hurts sometimes how much I want that. I want a man to love me and want me. I want to feel protected and safe. I want someone to take care of me. I want my legs tangled up with his legs under the covers. I know - that's weird. I'm not even talking about sex. Sorry. Too much info. Moving on . . . um . . . so . . . yeah, I'll complain again. But that can't be the whole of my existence.

I was reminded again tonight that this right now - being single - is where God wants me to be. Why? I have no idea. I especially don't understand why He places such strong desires in me, but won't fulfill them. But I think I do understand something now - I think I understand why I'm not even dating. It's been what - 2 years since I went on a date? (That long? Oh, that seems very pathetic.) But He knows I'd give my heart away too easily - maybe to the wrong person - and He doesn't want that to happen to me again. He is protecting me, if only I'd let Him. It's kind of hard to admit that. I'm sure you all knew it already. I'm not tough enough to guard my heart, so He has to do it for me. The last few weeks shows that, doesn't it? (I sense lots of nodding heads right now.) I can't even keep a friend I adore because I'm so ready to give my heart away. I guess, in a way, it's a great quality that I want to love that much. Some man may be very lucky one day - but only if I guard my heart for him. So God? Will You help me guard my heart?

My second big thought (that was only her first? holy crap - how long's this gonna be?) came from this verse:

Ecclesiastes 12:1 NCV
Remember your Creator while you are young, before the days of trouble come and the years when you say, "I find no pleasure in them."

My pastor explained it like this - we must remember Jesus when we're at that time of our life when we're choosing careers, spouses, jobs and whatever else we'll have/do for the next 30 years. If we don't keep Christ at the front, we can really regret it later. So me, in my pity party, thought, "Yeah, well what about those of us who screwed that up already? I chose the wrong spouse - he wasn't (isn't) a Christian and I didn't think that mattered. I found out it mattered the most. So I've already screwed up my whole life?" Um - Erin? Please pay attention to where you are NOW in life. Huh? Oh - I'm at the part where I get to (maybe) have another husband someday? I can make a better decision this time? I can keep Christ at the front of my brain and not screw it up? I (maybe) have a lot longer to live and I can make decisions with God from now on? It sounds so simple - and that makes me feel dumb - but sometimes the simplest things are really the hardest. Duh.

OK - last thing. Maybe. After the sermon, Matt (the pastor) said maybe some of us didn't want to rush out. Maybe we needed to reflect a bit. So I started writing this at church while some awesome song was playing about God saying, "I will pilot thee." There were lots of tears at church tonight.

Where am I? I'm taking God's gift of life and wasting it. Instead of wanting what He wants for me, I want what I want. So how do I accept it? Have I prayed to accept it? Yes. So why do I continue to yearn for what I don't have? Why do I continue to think that my way is better? God - I want to surrender my life to you. What am I holding on to? What am I scared of? Why do I fear to let You do it?

Abba Father ~ continue to help me let go. I still don't want to, but hanging on isn't helping. Help me to follow You. Help me to trust that You only want the best for me. Continue to guard my heart since I can't do it myself. Teach me how to do it better. Take away my pride - my thoughts that I can do it myself. I want to rely on You. Help me realize that I'm worthy enough - You love me enough - to come to You all the time for everything.