Yearning

It's time for some soul searching and I'm not sure I'm up to the task. I keep putting it off.

Pastor Matt asked a big question last week. He asked why don't we yearn for God? Why don't we look for Him, lean toward Him, want Him more than anything else in the world? This week, Matt answered the question. He gave two reasons - idolatry and pride. Idolatry - that thing you hang onto, the thing you chase, the thing you think you can't live without. For me - it's a husband. I yearn to be in a relationship. I didn't even have to think about that. I know it's my desire for a husband. My desire takes up too much of my time. It's constant for me - "oh, he's cute. I wonder if he's married. He won't like me. I'm nothing special" and on and on and on. Matt said that sometimes the way God pours out His wrath on our idolatrous hearts is to do nothing. He lets us have the thing we desire. He lets us continue to chase it. He even lets some of us have it. For some reason He has protected me from that - I'm not sure why. I'm not happy with His protection lots of times. I want what I want and I want it now! I suppose that would be the pride coming in.
Take this date that was supposedly forthcoming - nothing has happened. And honestly - I don't know if it even should. I don't think he's a Christian - I don't know that for sure because we haven't talked very much - maybe he is. I do know that I want a man who is on fire for God - but I'm also tired of waiting for some fun. I want a man who is overflowing with his love for our Savior - but I'm willing to put that on the back burner? I want a man who will pursue me until he's exhausted - but I'm not willing to wait for that? I want a man who will just take charge - but sometimes I wonder if it'll ever happen. Sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for the fairy tale that will never come true. If such a man does exist - I'm sure he's already with someone else. This world stinks. I told my home group last night that it just seems like everyone "out there" is having so much fun. And I'm not. I know that kind of fun is very temporal - at least I know that in my head.

So what to do now? How do I wait happily? How do I stop thinking I'm missing out on something?

God - what do You want from me? It's been so long! This June will be 4 years since I asked him to leave. How much longer do I have to wait? Can't You at least take the desire away? Why allow it if it will never happen for me? What do You want me to do?