Lessons From My Daughter

Sunday

Last Sunday was another great sermon by Pastor Matt. We're going through the book of Luke. I should have written about it back then, because now I'm forgetting what struck me the deepest. It was about living well and suffering well and not being fearful of death - we need to die well too. But on the way home, Elyssa had something else to teach me. We always go through her lesson from church so we can talk about meaning and see if she understood it all. Her lesson was that God always provides what we need when we need it. She read from my Bible about how God provided a ram for Abraham so he didn't have to sacrifice his only son. She kept telling me that He knows best. He wants us to trust Him and let Him provide for us. Listening to her say that just made me pause. I said "wow" and she wanted to know what was wow. I said it's like how badly I want to be married again. But how I have to let God provide that for me - I can't go out there and make it happen right now. I need to trust Him completely with that. He will provide it when I'm ready.

Tuesday

Elyssa and I were brushing teeth and getting ready for bed. We were joking around about something and she said some idiotic comment about her not doing her homework would make me not love her. I'm not really sure where that came from, but I looked at her and said, "Really? You think something as pointless (in the grand scheme of life) as homework is going to be just the thing that makes me stop loving you? Do you know how crazy that is? Do you think there is anything out there in the world that you could do that would make my love for you go away? There is NOTHING that you could do or say that would take my love away from you."

Then I paused and slightly smiled. I could just see God up there saying - "Are you listening to yourself?" I can't completely 100% accept God's love for me because somehow I am unworthy of it? I think there's something I can do that will make God stop loving me? Does He not love me infinitely more than I could ever love Elyssa?

It's just funny how my thinking has changed in the last few weeks. My counselor has just said a few things that have struck me to my core. Like how feeling worthless is a sin because of how God feels about me. She talked about how Satan uses any old thing to keep us down because as long as we're down, God can't use us for His glory. We talked about my self-image and all the negative thoughts I have about myself. That Satan uses food to keep me down. I was like, huh? I need to look at things as a spiritual battle and see how Satan tempts me with garbage food so I'll feel bad about myself and be trapped in that value-less circle. I'd never thought about it that way. I thought temptations were super bad things, you know? But not food! I'm happy to say that I've been working with a nutritionist and for two weeks have done a great job at changing my eating habits. I've even lost about 5 pounds! When I want something bad, I think about the spiritual battle that is taking place. It's helped me a lot. Today, I again emailed my meals for the last few days to my nutritionist. Her reply was not as "hooray" as the last few emails. She's proud of my changes but picked at some of the stuff I've eaten - too much yogurt, you don't need yogurt as a dessert, that chicken you ate was bad, you need more veggies . . . . So, what did I do? Immediately go into thoughts of "I can't do this. I will never lose weight. What's the point of even trying? I'm going to be fat and ugly for the rest of my life. No man will ever love me." Sheesh! So I stopped and thought, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." And started to feel a little better. It's just about not letting the negative thoughts take control, but putting God's truth in their place.

I think I rambled more than I meant to, but I'll leave it. Sorry that I haven't written in so long. I've been in a different place somehow. . . I don't know how to explain it. It's like learning is taking place but it's a process that's taking longer so it doesn't come out as easily. I feel like I'm making heart-changes and am just contemplative rather than expressive.

I need sleep. I'll be back soon!

Oh yeah - and I read Demon: A Memoir. It is amazing! Read it.