Grace

I swear our pastor must have said the word grace 500 times during church tonight. First of all it started with the music. Bleeker is so good at picking songs that match the sermon. All of the songs were about God's unending love and amazing grace. I had to sit down, listen and cry. Why do I continue to wear mascara to church? And I wish I wasn't always alone. It would be nice if I'd have these break-downs when I know someone sitting next to me. (Of course, would I allow myself to break down if I was sitting next to someone I knew?)

I guess I'm in a heart crisis. That sounds really stupid. But I can't think of any other way to describe it. I don't understand grace. I know what it means. But why? Why does He continue to shower my stupidity with grace? How am I worth that? (I know, I know - I'm listening to Satan's lies again.)

Here's the thing - without being too detailed. (Although, why I'm hiding details is beyond me. That's not really my style. I'm sure you'll figure it all out. I'm just refraining from being graphic. Like Patterson said in his sermon tonight - I'm just keeping it PG-13 instead of R.)

Why does God continue to shower grace on sinners who know they are sinning but still continue to sin and still continue to want to sin? It doesn't make sense to me. Like, shouldn't I stop - shouldn't the desire to sin stop once you realize you are heading toward sin? Wouldn't a good Christian flee from temptation as it says in the Bible? I feel like I'm sprinting toward the sin. And I'm not even strong enough to ask God to take the temptation away because I don't want it taken away. I want what I want. God even gives me outs - clear cut ways out of temptation and I refused to take it. I knew it was an out from Him - KNEW it was. Didn't want to have anything to do with it. I basically said, "Nah, God, I've got this one taken care of. I don't need Your help." How can that be forgiven?

At the same time, I want to do what is right in God's eyes too.

But I think I've already decided to do this particular sin. I've certainly got my toes across the line already. How dumb is that? Knowing something is wrong but still knowing that you'll probably end up doing it anyway? So my question becomes - why would God give me grace if I want to do something that I know is wrong but I want to do it anyway? At what point does He finally roll His eyes and say enough is enough? In case you were wondering, I'm not using the "get out of jail free" card. I'm not sinning because I have the freedom to do so. I'm not sinning because I know I'll be forgiven. I'm wondering why on earth I'd be forgiven if I'm knowingly doing something wrong.

How can my heart want two polar opposite things? Well - let's be honest now, shall we? My heart wants one thing. My physical being wants another. It's a battle.

I talked and cried and prayed with my home group leader on the phone tonight. And I meet with my counselor tomorrow. (She got on my case last week because she finally figured out that I'm a master of changing the subject when things get too deep and I start to tear up. As soon as those tears start coming, my brain goes into overdrive to figure out a way to get the tears/feelings far far away from me. I'm really good at it - it's automatic. I'll even make it sound like my changing the subject is not really changing the subject so the person will listen and then - poof - the feelings/tears are gone. She said she'd be more vigilant on not letting me run away from those. She's going to try to break the master down. Ha. We'll see. ;-) Ann, I know you're reading. I'll tell you right now - I won't want to break down when I see you tomorrow. Be ready for some masterful strokes of genius.)

Pray for me. I'm not praying the right way. I'm trying, but not really meaning it. I'm even praying for help so I can mean what I'm saying. Augh! Why does He love me so much? I'm a mess.