Apples

There's that thing out there that you want. It may be something small. It may be something huge. But we are not allowed that thing at this point in our lives for whatever reason God has. He is denying it to us and we hate being denied. We want it. We feel like He is keeping us from joy. I know you've felt that way before; we all have.

Elyssa and I have been listening to the Radio Plays of The Chronicles of Narnia lately. They are from Focus on the Family and are really good. They follow the books almost exactly. Being a voracious reader, I always want the book and movie (or radio play) to match up as closely as possible.

I love The Chronicles of Narnia. Each time I read them (or listen to them), I am overcome with the symbolism. I'm moved to tears quite often. Today, we were listening to the part in The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe where Aslan is killed - huge tears came to my eyes when they were tying him up, beating him and shaving his mane. He just took it, with love. It was hard and it hurt, but he did it for Edmund. Just like Jesus did it for all of us. Beautiful.

Have you read the first one? It's called The Magicians Nephew. It tells about how Narnia was created. In it, Diggory Kirke (who later becomes Professor Kirke in LWW) has a sick mother. He is sent by Aslan to get an apple from a tree far away. When he gets there, the tree is surrounded by a high wall with a gate. The message on the gate says:

Come in by the gold gates or not at all,
Take of my fruit for others or forbear,
For those who steal or those who climb my wall
Shall find their heart's desire and find despair.

Diggory goes in to get the apple - he'd been invited by Aslan and of course used the gate. He plucks an apple and puts it in his pocket. The he hears a soft voice behind him. It's Jadis (who later becomes the White Witch in LWW). She's climbed over the wall and has eaten an apple. And she finds her heart's desire - she feels strength and eternal youth pour into her. She tempts Diggory with the apple, telling him to take it to his sick mother because it will make her well. It's all he's wanted - it's his heart's desire to see his mother get well. But Diggory realizes that his mother would not want him to lie or steal just to make her well so he takes the apple back to Aslan. He admits to Aslan that he was tempted. Aslan assures him that his mother would have gotten well, but that she would have hated her life. He says that the witch is already figuring out that length of days with an evil heart is only length of misery. He says, "All get what they want; they do not always like it."

Then Aslan asks Diggory to pluck an apple for his mother and to take it to her! Diggory gets his heart's desire on Aslan's timetable, not his own. If he had gotten it when he wanted it, it would have been horrible. He waited and it was worth it.

We have to remember that - God's time line is perfect. He knows best. We just have to believe it.

It's been kind of a hard few days for me. I want something right now. There are times when I get down and feel like it's being denied to me out of spite. Like God's keeping it from me because He wants me to suffer. Everyone else is getting what I want. He must be keeping it from me because I'm not good enough or I've done something wrong. I need a good swift kick in the butt so that I can realize how ludicrous that is! God knows best. He knows how much I want a man in my life. It's not the right time right now. The desire doesn't go away; maybe that means it is placed there by Him and it will be fulfilled at some point. God knows. I have to have faith.

I have two friends in my home group who send these devotionals out every once in awhile. If the devotional speaks to their heart, they send them on. I can't tell you how many times it is exactly what I needed to hear at that very moment. Well, I've been wanting to post this thing about The Magician's Nephew for quite a few days, but just haven't had time. Today I'm struggling more with my apple than I have in awhile. (I just want a date. Is that so bad? But God knows my heart - it's more than just a date that I want and I'm not ready for that yet. Drat.) Lisa sent a devotional today. Can you guess what it's about? It's about Eve and the apple in the garden of Eden. Please click here and read it for yourself.

I want my apple. It's denied to me right now, but that's because God knows it's not quite ripe for me yet. When the time is right, I'll get my apple.

You'll get yours someday too. God has promised.

Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." (NLT)

Ephesians 2:10, "For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." (NLT)

NOT Stagnant

My counselor got onto me about the Stagnant post a few days ago. What she said made sense. I keep talking down to myself, like there's something wrong with me because I'm not getting some fundamental truth at this moment. It's feeding right into my issue of not being worthy of things - not being good enough.

I am getting stuff. I am growing in my relationship with Christ. I am! Sometimes it's not moving as quickly as I think it should, but I'm going at the pace that God has me going. I'm in His hands on His timetable - not my own. It's not a race. It's a journey.

Anyway, I just thought I'd share that I'm not stagnant and I will do my best to quit complaining in that way.

But don't worry - - I'm sure I'll find other ways to complain. :-)

Easter Eggs!

We had a quick egg hunt when Elyssa finally got home. She's so cute.





And here's me - It's the first picture where I can actually tell that I've lost weight. It makes me feel good - and is making me stop eating those stupid Peeps! My gosh - what is it about those horrible things?

Darn It

So Elyssa's dad just told me he's not going to get her home in time to go to church with me. In the grand scheme of life, it's not that big of a deal I suppose. But I wanted my daughter to go to church with me on Easter. I mean, it's not really with me since she goes to Kid's Village and I go to the main service, but still.

I guess I need to keep in mind that it's not like Easter is the only time we go to church each year, right? So really it's not that big of a deal. Right? Yeah, I need some convincing. Sigh. I hate divorce. I hate sharing a kid. I hate sharing holidays. I hate that their big happy family is all together and I'm by myself. Again. On a holiday. I'm supposed to have my daughter with me.

On another note, I'm reading a Star Wars book and one of the Jedi is named Eelysa. That's got to be pronounced the same as my daughter, correct? That's kind of cool.

And I've been spending some time writing about my wounded inner child sitting with God and having a conversation. It's pretty cool. I may have to post this one - it's not as intimate as my adult self sitting with God. I'll think about it.

Sorry to rant and rave and pout on a special day. I was overcome with sadness there for a bit. But Elyssa and I can talk about the meaning behind this special day when she gets home tonight. It doesn't HAVE to be at church. I hope you all have had time to reflect on what our great Savior did for us today.

He lives!

All I Need

From The Search for Significance Devotional Journal:

Here I am for You to help me see what my most basic needs are so that I will know that You are the source for all I need. Help me this day not to give in to the temptation to find those answers anywhere else.

Stagnant

That's how I feel. I'm stuck. There's something I'm not getting - something I'm not doing right. There's something I need to learn or something I need to accept and I just can't seem to get there.

It's sounds hokey but I'm supposed to be envisioning my inner child going up to God the Father and allowing Him to love me. I'm struggling with that. The question I'm supposed to be answering is why am I struggling with getting there? What's holding me back?

It's going to take me admitting that my childhood wasn't perfect. I mean, no one's childhood was perfect. But mine lacked something fundamental and I'm having a hard time accepting that. My parents loved me. But somewhere along the way, I accepted as truth that I wasn't very important. Everyone deserves more attention than me. Everyone needs it more than me. But I'm learning that I actually needed it too. That little girl always went into her room and read a book because there was so much drama out with everyone else. Don't get me wrong - I'm not putting blame on my parents. They did what they could. It's not their fault so much as it is just something that I needed that I didn't get. It still happens now. My parents don't come down to my house anymore. My grandmother is too old and going downhill. Once again, someone else is more important than me. I think my dad tries to make up for it like he used to. He's getting some work done on my house - it's getting repainted, the wood is getting replaced. I'm paying for new flower beds. We're getting a new fence. I need those things - my fence is about to fall over. Seriously, a tree is holding it up on one side. But what I want more than the outside of my house being pretty is that my family would want to spend time with me - down here at my house. We always go there.

Then I struggle with feeling badly because my grandmother is 94 years old. Doesn't she deserve the extra time and effort? But I think what I'm supposed to see is that I deserve the time and effort too. Don't I?

My counselor says that I have to get that within myself. My value doesn't come from outside - it comes from God and God alone. It's funny how I'm 37 years old and I'm still wanting to feel important to my parents. It's all I've wanted - to feel important to someone. That's why I want a man - I want a man to make me feel important. But that's just grasping at air. It's not going to fill me up. I constantly doubt my value to all who claim to care about me. Do they really? It's not them. It's me. I don't think I have value so I can't accept it from others. Does that make sense?

It's funny how I'll think I have that core belief beaten back, but it's still there. The value of Erin.

Please don't leave me a comment with how valuable you think I am or how much value I have in Christ. That's not what I'm looking for at all. It's me who has to think I'm valuable. It's me who has to do it. It's me who has to see my worth in Him. You telling me doesn't make me believe it any better. You can just pray for me - that I'll get it - that I'll learn it. Pray that I'll believe it so I can get on with my life and be what He wants me to be.

Aquarium Fun

We went to the Dallas World Aquarium today. It was fun - super crowded, but we had a good time.

The Bible

My pastor's sermon about how much we spend our money on Christian books. Not that there is anything wrong with inspirational books. He wasn't going there. He was warning us to be careful with what we read and just make sure it follows the Bible. He reads them all - he just was amazed at how so many Christian books make up stuff or add to the cross and how we have to be very careful. He read us a passage from a best seller and how it made God sound like He was surprised at some things that transpire. God surprised? How can an all-knowing God be surprised? He gave us 4 questions to think about when reading other books:

1. What does the book do with the scriptures? Does it imply that the Bible is cold and dead? (The Bible is comprised of writings over 1000 years with many different types of authors and is cohesive. It is not cold and dead - it is living and good for the present day.)
2. Does the book add anything at all to the cross? (Christ died once for all! Nothing needs to be added to the cross.)
3. What does the book say about the essence of man? Does it imply that man is intrinsically good? Does it imply that man is the center of everything and God did everything for man? (Nothing could be further from the truth. Man is not good. Man is a sinner. God created all for His glory - not because He was lonely or to make us love Him.)
   
4. What does the book do with Jesus? Does the author make Him effeminate? Does it imply that Jesus is only a good moral teacher or is He God? (Jesus is God - fully man, but fully God.)
   

Luke 6:39 says, "He also told them this parable: "Can a blind man lead a blind man? Will they not both fall into a pit?"

Are you going to follow a man or are you going to follow God? I'm not a book burner or one who thinks books should be banned. Take the recent hub-bub on The Golden Compass. I bought it. I read it. There were a few things that made me uncomfortable. I won't recommend it to anyone else. But I don't think the fuss that a lot of the Christian community made about it should have occurred. Same with The Da Vinci Code. It was actually a great book. It was just fiction. I think discussion about these types of books is important, but to ban them as evil is funny to me. It's like the Harry Potter series. I absolutely love those books. They are the epitome of good verses evil. I have a little girl in my classroom is not allowed to even listen to the soundtrack because the mom told her Harry Potter was evil. The soundtrack is evil? I of course won't play it when she's in the room because I don't want to offend anyone, but that is craziness! The soundtrack is by John Williams - the genius behind the Star Wars music. My daughter will read Harry Potter - heck, I'll read it to her! And we will have great discussions about fact verses fiction and how magic is not real and what great lessons we can take from Harry Potter. Anyway - I'm getting off track. My point of this entire post was not to rant about censorship. Everyone has their own opinion.

My point is that my pastor's sermon made me think about how many times I will pick up a Christian book instead of picking up the Bible. Why do I think I'm going to get more from some other human's thoughts about the Bible instead of reading it on my own? I fall into the trap of reading more from other places than from the Bible. And that's something I want to change. I want to spend more time in the Bible.

Great Abba Father - lead me to Your word, to Your truth, to Your love.

Names

This was on someone else's blog and I just thought it was funny. Mostly it was the Star Wars names that caught my eye.

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME (first pet, current car):
Angel Puff Explorer

2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite type of shoe):
Mint Chocolate Chip Flip-flop

3. YOUR NATIVE AMERICAN NAME (favorite color, favorite animal):
Green Dog

4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME (middle name, city where you were born):
Lou Dallas

5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first name):
Erigi

6. SUPERHERO NAME (2nd favorite color, favorite drink):
Purple Coke

7. NASCAR NAME (the first names of your grandfathers):
Olan Riley

8. STRIPPER NAME ( the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent,favorite candy):
Peach Chocolate

9. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME (your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter):
Roth Richardson

10. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower):
Summer Tulip

11. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now):
Apple Pajamas

12. HIPPIE NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree):
Oatmeal Fruitless Pear

Spring Break!

Yea for Spring Break. I don't have to go back to work until Tuesday, March 25th!

THIS is why it's GREAT to be a teacher! People can complain all day long about how we don't get paid enough. Of course, I'd love to get paid more - who wouldn't? BUT we get so much time off. I'd rather have the time off than more money. I love the time off. I don't have to work, but am still getting paid. People need to stop complaining and enjoy what they have! Right? :-)

Enjoy the beautiful weather!

Here I Am!

I know it's been forever since I've let loose on my blog. I'm sure something will come soon! I've been doing a lot of off-line writing. My counselor had me write about how I visualize God the Father. Have you ever done that? I didn't have a visual for Him at all. I do now. You know how people talk about letting God fill up that spot in your heart? I think I finally felt what that was like. It is a pretty powerful piece of writing, but I don't want to put it here.

Basically, I walked into a crowded room and saw God over there waiting just for me. I had to get rid of all the other people and walk across the room to Him. It was hard for me to do that - walk across the room to Him. But when I was finished with the writing, wow. What a great joy and peace I had about me.

So that's what I'm working on right now - keeping that visual of God in my head.

Thanks for all the prayers for Elyssa. She is finally acting more like herself. We're going to school tomorrow. It's TAKS day! Yippee! I just HAVE to be there, so I'm praying she will stay healthy enough all day.

Oh - and I put a site tracker thing on my blog. It shows me how many hits and where people are looking from. I had someone in Canada reading! Amazing to me. So welcome all you blog stalkers! :-) Don't worry - I have about 10 that I stalk too. Feel free to leave a comment sometime. I hope you're getting as much from reading as I do from writing.

Sad

Elyssa is sick with strep and and ear infection. We've been battling 103 fever all day. It looks like I won't get to see Van Halen tomorrow. But it's OK. I hate seeing my little one so sick.