Earrings

So, I mentioned an earring story in my last post.

A few weeks ago I was at a training for school. I was walking out to my car, carrying my folder and trying to call my teammate Rachel to let her know I was headed back to school. Somehow I flipped the folder just right and knocked my diamond stud out of my ear.

These earrings were given to me by my ex for my 30th birthday. I love them. They are the only earrings I ever wear. I don't like dangling earrings. I just wear my studs. I only take them out to clean them.

So, I start looking for the earrings on the ground. Of course, I immediately find the back. Ugh. I'm walking around with my head to the ground. 3-4 people pass by me on their way to their cars. Not one offers to help me look. Surely it's obvious that I'm looking for something and not doing some crazy dance. Anyway. . .

I don't panic right away. One of the first things I did was pray, "God, please help me find my earring." I keep trying to tell myself, "it's just an earring. It's just a thing. It's no big deal. Don't cry. Yes, it's a diamond, but it's just a thing - it'll be OK if it's lost forever...."

Then, out of the blue, this insane thought stumbles through my head, "But if the earring is really lost, then the marriage is really over!" Instantly I shoved that thought away as craziness and pretended I didn't just think the weirdest thing ever. I mean, come on! I've been divorced for 4 years now. Of course it's over. Duh. I don't even like the guy like that anymore - how could I even think that?

Finally a nice woman stops to help me and the concerned construction worker (who had been watching me the entire time) offered to help. He asked if I looked under the car. I had not. There it was - right by my tire. I thanked them and got in my car. This is when the tears started. Serious waterworks.

I was told by my counselor to write about this little episode. I've been avoiding it for weeks. But I meet with her again tomorrow and have to have something. She also told me to take the earrings out. I did take them out - for a week. But they are back in right now. I shouldn't be wearing them - I'm too attached to them. I'm going to go take them out again. Back in a second.

OK - I've got them out again. I hate not wearing them. (I'm also avoiding the point of this writing.)

OK - so that thought. Where did it come from? It's not that I miss the ex. It's not even that I'm dying to be in a relationship right now. I'm comfortable where I am. I'm OK being alone. I've made peace with where I am right now. It's the first time that I feel OK with it all. So why the weird random thought? My counselor said something about the loss of the dream. That the earrings still represented my belief in the dream of what was to be and that losing one earring would shatter that dream even more. It's a good point. Obviously I'm still grieving the loss of the marriage - not him - just marriage in general. I still believe I shouldn't be a divorced woman. Can it be that I haven't accepted it yet? I kept the earrings out for at least a week, but missed them. It's weird to miss earrings. I never notice them when they are in, but totally notice when they are not in.

The marriage is over. I belong to only God right now. Maybe someday He has a man planned for my life, but for now it's just me and Him and Elyssa. Maybe the thought was put there so that I'd acknowledge the truth that is my life right now? I am divorced. It's where He has me. It's not ideal, but based on the choices I made, it's where I ended up. God can still use me for great things. I'm His to use as He wants. Pastor Matt always talks about leaving our hands open. Maybe this whole earring fiasco was to see if my hands were open. Are they open or closed around the earrings? They're mostly open, but I'll prove that better if I keep the earrings out of my ears. Mostly open is not really open, is it? And it's not really earrings that I've got my hands gripped around. They just represent something bigger. I've got to open my hands. I'm closing my fists around where I think I should be instead of opening my hands and accepting that I'm where I'm supposed to be. I'm supposed to be divorced? I guess I am. I'm supposed to be a single mom? I am. I'm supposed to be alone and not dating? Right now, I am.

This posts is kind of rambly (is rambly a word?) but I'm leaving it the way it is. That's why I'm supposed to be writing. Even the rambling gets me somewhere. My hands must stay open.

Lord God - help me keep my hands open. I'm Yours and Yours alone. Yours - with open hands.