Surrender

I've made some incredible progress this year in opening up my tightly closed fists and letting God take control of some areas. For example, I've hated the fact that I've been single. I didn't like where God had me and didn't like how He was taking care of that area of my life. I've really worked with Him and allowed Him to open my fist around my singleness. I'm pretty content - not perfectly content by any means, but content. I've got my hands pretty much open and trusting that God has control. And I know His plan is way better than my plan could ever be.

So as soon as we come to that agreement - BAM! He decides to point out the next thing that my fist is tightly gripped around. It's Elyssa.

Elyssa has been at her dad's for the last 10 days. He couldn't get her to her soccer game on Sunday, so my mom went to get her and take her to the game. I was working the church doing lights and lyrics. The plan was that I'd get her after the morning services and then take her back up to church with me. She'd stay through the 7:00 and then I'd take her back to her dad's. Everyone was happy with that plan - until Elyssa saw me. She didn't want to go back to her dad's. She wanted to stay with me. She was trying to be so brave and not show me she was upset. I get the feeling that she doesn't think she's allowed to show sadness at her dad's house. IIt broke my heart. An 8 year old should not have to be brave in that way! Long story short - I got her to go home from church with my mom because I was going to call her dad. I called her dad to see if she could just go ahead and stay. He got angry and he yelled. It's not like he was yelling at me, but he was talking super loudly and I don't like that. Obviously. Here I was trying to parent with him and determine what was best for our child. He took it that I was telling her that she could stay home with me and going against what he said. I asked him if he really thought that I said the opposite of what he wanted to Elyssa all the time. He made some comment that yes, he did think I was poisoning her mind against him. I was aghast. My mouth dropped open. I couldn't believe what I was hearing! He kind of said he was kidding/being sarcastic or something, but I'm not so sure. Does he not know me at all? After all this time - almost 18 years, he still doesn't know my heart? Sigh. The plan still was that I'd get her after the later service and take her to his house. He decided to go pick her up. So she thought she was going to see me again and it didn't end up that way. I was crushed because I thought that his action was making me a liar in her eyes. You know?

I realized that I'm still trying to co-parent with him and it's never going to happen. There is no co-parenting for Elyssa. It's two separate things for her and forever will be. That saddened me beyond belief. It's been four years but I still want Elyssa to have the home with two parents! It's not going to happen. And it causes my daughter pain. I don't want my little innocent girl to be in pain. I felt like I was failing her because there was nothing I could do to stop that hurt.

While doing the lyrics at the seven, I really paid attention to the song "I Surrender."



I just had tears streaming down my face. It was hard to click the next slide for the service because I was getting lost in the words! (The video is not exactly what we sang, but most of the verses are.) I got it. I have to surrender my child! I've been entrusted by God to raise her, but she doesn't belong to me. She belongs to Him. And He loves her more powerfully than I could ever dream of loving her. That's really hard to imagine, but it's Truth. And you can't argue with Truth. He never leaves her. (I can't wait to remind her of that - He was there with her during her painful time and she had His strength to get past it!)

I am forever blessed to have found the home group that I did. I quickly sent a text to my two leaders who prayed for me. Then I spoke with one at length later that night. To have the wisdom of a single mom who has been through what I am going through is priceless. Shannon's advice is always to bring everything back to God. It's hard to remember to do that when you are lost in the day to day crap that goes on. My perfectionism starts to kick in. I worry that I don't do enough or that I'm lacking somehow in what I'm teaching Elyssa. I don't want her to think that the men in her life are doing it right. Then I get overwhelmed by how much there is to teach her and how often I mess up and I feel that I have to do it all by myself. Then a gentle voice in my head (hello Holy Spirit) said that I needed to slow down and remember that I wasn't all by myself. And I don't have to teach Elyssa everything right now - there is time. And I don't have to be perfect. My heart is in the right place and that's enough at this moment.

We will follow some of Shannon's advice. Elyssa and I will read Ephesians 5 this week in her children's NIV. We will discuss godly woman and godly men. One of my biggest fears is that she will look at the examples of men around her (her dad and my dad) and think that they are the correct example of how a man should be. They are NOT. So we will discuss how much Christ loves His church and all that He did for us. I will share with her that a man is supposed to love his wife in the same way that Christ loves the church. Men did not get an easy task. We will talk about what we've seen in the men around us that are examples of godly men. We will actively look for examples when we are out in public. We will look at the qualities of a godly woman and think of examples of when I've shown those qualities and examples of when I have not shown those qualities. (Ouch.) I will tell Elyssa that when she sees me acting in an ungodly manner, she should respectfully let me know.

God is good. He doesn't always make things easier for me. He will keep pruning my heart so that all the dead branches are gone. He will keep poking holes in all that dark places to let the Light shine in. It hurts like hell, but I wouldn't want it any other way. On this side of it, I am stronger and more in love with my Savior.