It seems so cliche to write about my struggles with body image. I mean, seriously, who really wants to read that? But maybe you feel the same way or you have in the past and you can give me encouragement. Isn't that really what my blog is all about? Me laying out my crap and you telling me something - good or bad. It's hard for me to write about this because this is the ugly side of my heart and if I show you the ugly side, will you still like me? That's the "I'm not worth it" issue working itself up and out. I have to earn your love, right? I must have to earn God's love too. (I know that's not true - it's just deeply ingrained in my heart and I'd rather do other stuff than look at it too closely.)
Is it just me or do you ever get that hopeless feeling that it's all pointless and why does it matter? It being eating right and exercising. I get stuck there so fast. I can never celebrate the great things I've done. I lost about 30 pounds. I added about 10 pounds of muscle. That's greatness. I can only focus on the 10 pounds I've put back on since my knee surgery. I can only focus on the fact that I have no leg muscles anymore - especially in my left leg. Clothes don't fit right. I'm not happy. It immediately goes into - I don't like myself. Then it goes deeper into - I will never get where I want, there is no finish line, I can't do it so why try, I will be gross my whole life and no one will ever find me attractive. . . and on and on. It sucks.
What sucks the most is that I KNOW it's the way Satan wins. You may think I'm crazy but I really believe this. Satan finds that one thing that will hold you down and put in you the pit so that you aren't doing it what you can for God. Body image is how he does that for me. It puts me in a funk and I don't like myself. If I don't like myself, how on earth can I show God's love to other people? I can't even show God's love to myself!!
I ate wonderfully today. I'm writing all my food down again. I drank more water than usual. I did the treadmill for 30 minutes and then did weights for about 30 minutes. I did great things today! But because I don't see an instant result, I don't like myself. It's so pathetic. My knee surgery was in October. It's January. It took me about 2 months to put on 10 pounds. It didn't happen overnight so why would it go away overnight? But in my head I am totally the defeatist - it will never happen, I will be gross my whole life, why bother even trying? Everyone can tell me over and over that I'm beautiful, but I just don't believe it. It's like I CAN'T believe it. As I was (somewhat frantically) trying on clothes tonight to find something to wear tomorrow, I was not very positive about myself. I don't want my daughter to hear that! And she was so sweet trying to tell me that everything looked really great. I told her to stop telling me that. I told my daughter to stop telling me I was beautiful. What the crap? That's HORRIBLE! But in my head, the little voice was saying, "She's your daughter. She HAS to think you are beautiful. It doesn't really mean anything." I'll do the same with you - "That person is your friend. They HAVE to say you are beautiful. They don't really think you are. They are just being nice." AUGH!
There is too much going on in my head. Look at that verse up above. Funny how God led me to that verse a week or so ago. Isn't it appropriate? Not that I can be still and God will miraculously fix me. But He will fight for me. Why won't I let Him fight for me? Why am I always the tough girl who will do it all by myself? When does that change? Does it ever change?
Pastor Matt's sermon last week and this week totally hit on this very subject - not body image, but just the battle in our minds and hearts. I will go through my notes and tell you what I learned next time.
Sleep would probably be good for me right about now.
2 comments:
Erin, dear, I know your struggle very well. It is my struggle, also. Now, you're sitting there thinking "this woman who has lost 200 pounds struggles with this same thing. Doubtful." I assure you, it is true.
I've lost 200 pounds. I lost another 10 over the holidays totally inexplicably as I did nothing different. Then, this week, I've regained 4 of it. This week (3 days). I, too, started with beating myself up. It didn't help.
My advice to you is the same advice I received a few years ago. Strip naked. Stand in front of your mirror. Start at the top of your head and thank God for your hair (Thank you God for my beautiful hair that I really love to fix in different styles), next is your forehead (thank you, God, for my forehead. If it were shaped differently, that gorgeous hair wouldn't look right). On to your eyebrows (thank you God for my eyebrows because...). You get the point. Just keep going from the top of your head down to the tips of your toes if you have to. You won't have to go very far before you realize how thankful you truly are, how creative our God in heaven is, and how you truly are fearfully and wonderfully made.
When you star to realize those things, a few things will happen... first, you won't beat yourself up over a few pounds. Let's face it, 10 pounds is a few pounds in the grand scheme, right? Second, you will start to treat your body more like the temple it is and amazing things will happen...you'll be in better shape and you'll love yourself even more and you'll be honoring your creator.
Erin, I won't fool you and tell you it is easy. I don't think I could pull that one off. I will tell you there are days when it is downright hard. But it is worth it. Always start with praising and thanking God and those body image issues won't be so hard to handle.
Whenever you need to talk, I'm here.
Wow, didn't realize I wrote a novel. I guess I should be blogging myself, huh? I obviously have a lot to say. ;o)
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