Nothing to Say

I never write anymore.

Maybe I can only write when I'm in pain. (Life's flying by - no problems - no worries.)

Maybe I'm hiding. (I think this is huge!)

Maybe I'm letting life be too filled up with stuff. (This is huge too!)

My counselor is in Germany for 3 months. I miss her.

My home group is no more. I miss them. (I have tried out a new one - once.)

I'm standing outside again - I want connection. But I withdraw or I don't know how to . . . what's the opposite of withdraw? Indraw? Withoutdraw? Nonwithdraw? (I like to make up words. Elyssa's teacher told me that Elyssa makes up words in class too - sound effects and just weird stuff. My daughter is so cool. She's at her dad's. I miss her too.)

I need a topic. I want to go to seminary. Is that weird? I don't have time to go to seminary. I don't want to be a pastor or anything. I just want a class like structure where I can learn the history of the Bible and how it all plays out. I want to know theology. I want to be surrounded by brainiacs who love Jesus. I'm not a brainiac though, so I'm not sure where that's coming from. (I've been watching a lot of CSI and I also want to be a CSI. Something about the smartness of the men - I'm very attracted to intelligence. But he's got to be funny too. And he must love Jesus more than anything. He's worth waiting for - if he's out there for me.)

I want my own brainiac who loves Jesus. I watched an interview with my pastor and he looks after his wife spiritually. Like he guages how she is and engages her into a deeper relationship with Jesus. No one has ever looked out for me like that and it resonated within me. And I'm guessing I'm supposed to be doing that for Elyssa and I worry that I'm not doing a good enough job. I wish she had a father who did that for her. I worry that she's going to be searching as I am.

Look at that - I did have something to say after all. Well, sort of anyway. It's kind of a ramble. Maybe I'll be back later tonight. The leader of the home group that I tried out suggested writing about what stirs our affections for Jesus. I've written on that topic before. Maybe I need to do it again. Jesus is my brainiac. A new song was sung this weekend at church and it talked about leaning against Jesus' chest and hearing His heart beat. I wish He'd just come back. Funny how I never understood why people would say that. I get it now.

I'm rambling again.