Home Group

My home group meeting tonight gave me such hope that real true community is out there. After my old home group fell apart, I was feeling rather lost. I didn't know if I'd find another one. Ha. I just assumed that I couldn't find another one. I've only met with these ladies for a few weeks. We are all different ages and I think that's wonderful! There was laughter tonight, there was a huge confession of sin, there were tears and there was love. It was amazing. The bravery of one girl to confess a sin to a room full of people - it blew me away. I got tears because it was community. It was what Pastor Matt talks about all the time. It was amazing and I'm so thankful for being able to share it.

On a side note, I'm praying right now that God guards my heart but at the same time that He opens it. Is that weird? I want peace and contentment, but I don't want to shut down as I am known to do. I have some protective walls that I have built around my heart and they are prepped and ready to slam. This is one of those times where I don't know how to say what I want to say! I don't want anyone to read between the lines and assume they know what I'm saying, because it's not what you may be thinking. Light bulb just went off! Maybe that's why I'm so blunt in my writing. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea about what I'm saying. If I'm blunt then I can say exactly what I mean and there can be no wrong ideas. Hmmm. Interesting.

Being married has always been my desire. When I was a little girl, I planned on being a teacher, a wife and a mommy. So marriage has become an idol to me that I've worked with God on letting go. But somehow along the way I forgot how to be friends with guys. I've assumed that no one is sincere, that everyone plays some kind of games and there is very little realness out there. And I've never had the experience of having godly men as friends. And I'd assume that godly men are sincere, don't play games and are very real. I want godly men in my life. I've written about that before. But I don't know if I know how to do that. And when I don't know how to do something, I get fearful. (I'm sure that goes along with my "I'm not good enough" crap. If I can't be perfect then I'm afraid.)

How can God take one thing and use it in so many ways to teach so many lessons! (Very rhetorical question.)

So my fear is that somehow I'll screw it all up. That's why I'm praying for a guarded open heart. Guarded that I don't go down a path that is not really there. Open that I'll go down the path that is before me. Does that make sense?