Harry Potter

I have a funny Harry Potter story to tell! I pre-ordered the book 7-8 months ago. I have been so excited about it coming. I knew it was coming today and figured the mailman would leave it on the porch like he does with everything else. We got home from Elyssa's soccer game. I couldn't see a box from the street and got kind of concerned. Then, as I walked closer to the house, I noticed one of those little yellowish slips that say "we tried to deliver. . . ." I almost cried! It said that I could pick up my delivery on MONDAY! AUGH! I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL THEN!

I ran inside and called the post office. The lady said that it would have to be Monday. She was very nice and apologetic. I decided to drive up to the post office and force them to give me my book! Talk about going postal! I'm almost near tears. Not really, but I was angry and disappointed and worried. My adrenaline was really kicking up. I had to get my book!

I got Elyssa and her step-sister in the car. We started to drive and I saw a postal truck. Screeech! I get out and ask him if he delivers to my street. Sadly, he does not. BUT - he knew where my guy would usually be at this time of day. YEAH! We drive over to that area and begin cruising up and down every street. I begin praying, "Please God. Let me find my book!" I told Elyssa and Gab that their job was to look for the postman. One street. Two streets. Third street - THERE HE IS! I pull up behind him and run to his side of the truck and hold up my delivery slip and ask him if he delivers on my street. HE DOES! I said, "Can I please have my Harry Potter book?" He broke out in a big smile and stopped his car. He said to bear with him while he gets it and scans it. I said I'd wait all day. I told him I'd go get him a drink if he'd like one! He just laughed.

THERE IT IS! IT'S IN HIS HANDS! He checks my slip and tells me how he would usually just leave boxes on the porch, but with this book they had explicit instructions to confirm delivery. He said he was lucky, he only had 7 to deal with - not many readers in my area. He handed it to me and I squealed with joy! He laughed even harder. I thanked him profusely and carried my precious bundle back to my car. I yahooed with joy again and heard him laughing.

I opened the box in my car and just couldn't put my book down on the seat. I then carried it into my house and held it for awhile. I can't start reading it because I have too much to do to get ready to go out of town. If I start, I won't be able to stop. I'm also one of those who likes to peek at the last page, but am resisting temptation with this one.

Yea, Harry Potter! Yea, United States Postal Worker who was so kind!

Woo-hoo!

Hind's Feet

I'm reading a book given to me by my home group leaders. It's called Hinds' Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard. I had to research what the heck hinds' feet were because I've never heard that expression. A Hind is a type of female red deer who is able to put her back feet in the exact spot her front feet were. She doesn't falter going up the mountain because she knows exactly where to step.

Habakkuk 3:19
The Lord GOD is my strength,
And He has made my feet like hinds' feet,
And makes me walk on my high places.

This book is an allegory, not so different from something like Pilgrim's Progress. It is about Much-Afraid and her journey to the High Place. The Chief Shepherd asked her to go there with Him. She lives in the Valley of Humiliation with Fear - her family. I want to share some of it with you, but if right now you're going blah blah blah. . . feel free to skip this post.

So much of the story struck a nerve in me - a nerve I thought was better hidden than it actually is. The Shepherd asks her to allow Him to plant the seed of True Love in her heart. The Seed is very sharp; He lets her know that if she is to know true Love, then she will also have to know Pain. She accepts that and then He tells her she will have two guides to accompany her to the High Place. She, being all giddy on Love, tells Him that she will accept with joy whomever He choses to be her guides. She tells Him that she doesn't feel like she'll ever be afraid again.

He walks with her for awhile, leading her toward the High Place. Soon, though, He tells her He must leave her with her guides now. She is a bit distraught. She wants Him to stay with her. She says that with Him she feels strong. He tells her that He could stay with her and carry her up the mountain, but then she would never develop her hinds' feet and then would not be able to go where He goes. Guess who her companions are? Sorrow and Suffering! Much-Afraid can't believe it! She asks Him why can't He choose Joy and Peace to be her companions. He says, "Will you trust Me, Much-Afraid? Will you go with them, or do you wish to turn back. . . ?"

Isn't that so much like us? We tell our Savior that we will accept His decisions, but then when we get those decisions - um. . . this isn't what I had in mind, Jesus. Are You sure? To be more personal - "Jesus? I didn't want divorce. I don't want loneliness. I don't want what you've chosen for me." How prideful am I? I know better than He? Nothing in my life is by accident. He knew all the steps I would take before I took them. It's easy to trust when things are going well, isn't it?

She asks Him, "Help me to trust You as much as I long to love you." She continues her journey, soon traveling in the Desert. She stops and tells her companions that she can't go that way. It's a total contradiction of all that He promised her. She cries out to Him and He comes to her immediately. "No," said the Shepherd, "it is not a contradiction, only postponement for the best to become possible." She tells Him that it could be months or even years in the desert! He asks her, "Much-afraid, do you love Me enough to accept the postponement and the apparent contradiction of the promise, and to go down there with Me into the desert?"

Do we love Him enough to follow His footsteps where ever they may lead?

Later on, Much-Afraid is attacked by her enemies: Pride, Self-Pity, Resentment and Bitterness. She throws off Pride at one point and the Shepherd is there to celebrate with her. He tells her to remember her promise that she will wait patiently until He gives her her heart's desire.

There's my struggle. I do not wait patiently for my heart's desire. I don't think it will ever come. I don't think He will do it for me. Maybe I should take matters in my own hands? He doesn't care enough because He hasn't given it to me yet. I'm so full of myself. It's a different kind of pride attacking me - not the arrogant "I'm the best" kind of pride. It's the opposite of that. It's the "I'm not worthy of any good thing" kind of pride. More quiet perhaps, but just as deadly.

That's as far as I've gotten in the book. She got through the desert and ascended the Precipice of Injury. She's about to go into the Forest of Danger and Tribulation. She's learning many things. She's learning about acceptance with Joy. She's learning to accept Sorrow and Suffering. I'm so much like her - much afraid of giving up myself and leaning on the Shepherd. My pastor gave me hope and comfort on Sunday. He said that spiritual growth is slow. We live in a culture where everything is based on speed. We want it now and usually we get it now. Spiritual growth is not like that. You don't really see it happening. He compared it to watching children grow. We could stare at them for days, but we won't see it happen.

Just remember, it does happen. It takes effort and trust and work. But it does happen.

What If I Stumble?

Subtle Reminders

How can you not love Star Wars? I'm reading Sacrifice, which is part of the Expanded Universe. I have to give you a little background so that what I want to say makes sense.

Hopefully you all know Luke and Leia. Well, Leia married Han Solo and they had 3 kids: twins Jacen & Jaina and Anakin. Luke married a lady named Mara Jade and they had one son, Ben (named after Ben Kenobi). Sacrifice is set about 40 years after Episode IV (A New Hope). Jacen has decided the only way to save the galaxy (the galaxy is always in trouble) is to become a Sith like his grandfather Darth Vader. Luke knows that trouble is brewing - he can feel the dark side coming closer. But Jacen is such an powerful Jedi, Luke can not pinpoint the danger. Luke fears for his son Ben. He thinks the dark side is after Ben. He has no idea what his nephew Jacen is up to.

One night, Luke is awakened and feels the dark side near. It's been in his home. (It was the Sith teacher, Lumiya - but that's getting into detail that will only confuse you. I'll spare you.) He realizes that over the years, he has allowed himself to become "management" instead of rushing to the aide of the needy as he did when he was younger. He thinks:

I know what my problem is. And now I act sensibly and soberly, because I'm the leader of the Jedi Council, and I'm not nineteen anymore.

What he did best was right wrongs, and if he couldn't put this right for his only child, then what was he?

I forgot who I am.

He was an uncomplicated man who cared enough about his friends and family to die for them, if that was what it took to save them.

Even the great Luke Skywalker forgot.

Even the "always a good girl" Erin forgot. I'm more in my right mind now. I've been talking about it with good friends. I'm not trying to do it all by myself. I've opened communication with God again. :-) I'm not saying exactly what He wants to hear, I'm sure, but at least I'm talking to Him again. I'm trying to remember.

Of course, it is easy to have convictions when the temptation is in California. . . .

Everything by Lifehouse

Easy to Forget

Felt like a fraud walking into church tonight. I know I've let God down with a current decision. I haven't totally crossed the line, but let's just say I got closer than I thought I would. Oh, it's so easy to have convictions when there's no temptation in front of you. It's so easy to say what I would or would not do when it's just me. Alone. What a joke I am. I still haven't really talked about it all with God. I've failed Him and it's hard to face. And part of me still wants the fun. Am I one of those Christians? The kind who knows our God is forgiving so I'll do what I want because I know He'll forgive me? I don't want to be one of those. That's a pathetic way to use His grace. I'm not like that. Am I?

We sang a few songs and I got teary. I almost always get teary during worship. I get filled up and it overflows. Then a song was played that just broke me. I sat down in shame and just cried and listened. I couldn't even remember the song at the end of service. Luckily someone else did. It's called Everything by Lifehouse. The part that got me was:

You are the light to my soul
You are my purpose
You're everything
and how can I stand here with You
and not be moved by You

I sat down and whispered I've failed You and couldn't stop crying. The guy singing tonight was awesome. I was completely surrounded by that song and my guilty heart.

Guess what the sermon was about? How we, as Christians, can feel so moved by God - so close to Him - and then just forget. We just forget. You know the people who say if they could just see God then they would believe? It doesn't happen that way. Think of the Israelites being led by Moses out of Egypt. They saw God's miracles. They saw the plagues, the parting of the Red Sea, the pillar of fire, the manna coming to them every single day! How quickly they forgot and built a golden cow! I always thought they were so stupid. I'm so stupid. Even the disciples - they got to walk with Jesus. They got to see His miracles first hand! They got to touch Him. They saw Him die. And when He returned to them, Matthew 28:17 tells us "When they saw Him, they worshiped Him; but some doubted." How can that be? Some of them doubted? Here is their risen Savior in front of them and they don't quite buy it. The pastor speaking tonight, Beau, led us to Deuteronomy 6:4-9. This is how we don't forget.

Attention, Israel! God, our God! God the one and only! Love God, your God, with your whole heart: love Him with all that's in you, love Him with all you've got! Write these commandments that I've given you today on your hearts. Get them inside of you and then get them inside your children. Talk about them wherever you are, sitting at home or walking in the street; talk about them from the time you get up in the morning to when you fall into bed at night. Tie them on your hands and foreheads as a reminder; inscribe them on the doorposts of your homes and on your city gates. (msg)

Why do we forget? Why do our hearts wander so easily? Why is it so hard? I'm still looking in that pit and it sure looks fun. How can I see both sides and still be torn? I'm afraid I've already made the wrong decision and I'm just waiting for it to happen. I'm pretty confident that the choice will be in front of me again. Thankfully the choice is out of town right now on business, so I have a little time. This was super easy when I was in my teens. Then I made the wrong decision and married 4 years later because he already had my heart. 17 years have passed and the choice is back. Oh, but I can justify my choice right now. It's amazing how easy I can justify what I want. I actually think I can control my heart. I actually think I can keep it separate. I've tried to pray that God will take the choice away, but I don't really mean it. Surely God knows that. I'm holding it tight in my fist - I don't want to let go.

I need a miracle.

Choices

You know it's a good date when you can write 7 pages about it in your journal. Weird how it took me 2 days to process it all before writing it down. Yeah, I do analyze things too much.

I was kind of hoping that one great date would suffice for awhile, you know? Like I'd be able to carry on for awhile not dating because at least I had one. But I want more. I want more now. It gave me the courage to ask my mechanic (who is a neighbor and I taught his daughter 12 years ago when she was in 4th) if another mechanic at his shop was married. I've thought this guy Kevin was cute ever since my divorce. So 4 years I've been eyeballing this guy - dark hair, beautiful eyes, great smile, goatee, and a full sleeve tattoo! (sounds just like me doesn't it?) Turns out he's not married. But my mechanic doesn't think he's good enough for me. James said Kevin is a great guy and awesome with kids. James even went so far as to say that Kevin would be a great dad one day. He's dated some single moms and is just great. But he's not good enough for me. I think James' exact words were that he was a man-whore, but can't I decide some of this stuff myself? James said he didn't want to get too much in my business, but he wouldn't want Kevin to date his own daughter. AUGH! It seems that no one will ever be good enough for me. Yes, I could look at it as protection and be thankful. But I've never been wild. Ever. Never ever! I was the good girl my whole life. Right now I don't want to be a good girl. I want to go a little wild.

And that, my friends, is a very dangerous path. I guess I need prayer, but can't seem to do it myself. I'm letting God down, I know. Have I even discussed any of this with Him? Nope. Been avoiding Him a bit. Because I know what He'll say and I won't like it and it won't be fun. Oh, it'll be better for me - His way is always better. But it won't be fun right now.

So now I'm standing at a pit, looking down at all the "fun" that is below me. It's right now fun. It's not wait for the future that may never come fun. It's right now. I want right now. I may never get the future. And I want it. I deserve it. But I look away from the pit. Standing behind me is a Man who loves me. He's got His arms open. I can see the holes in His hands. He loves me that much. I do love Him. And I know He knows best. But I won't get to feel His arms around me for such a long time. So I glance back into the pit. It sure looks fun in there. I do wonder why it's in a pit - fun shouldn't be in a pit, right?

What choice will I make?

Box

I don't think dating stinks anymore.

It's interesting to me how what you think you are can change so quickly. I always viewed myself in one way. Picture me in a certain box. I've been in that box for my whole life. Yeah, we know Erin. She's the girl in that box. You can always count on her to be in the same one. Forever. I'm not sure I want to be in that same box for all time. Stepping out of my box at this moment seems very exciting, but maybe dangerous. I don't know.

I think I've seen too many movies.

Dating Stinks

Is it normal for someone to ask you out and you not hear from them for a week? I hate dating! I'm pretty sure I'm going to tell the guy (if I ever hear from him again) that I don't want to go out any more. He obviously doesn't want to very much or I'd be hearing from him, right? It's been over a week! I'm not a sucker who will just go out with someone who isn't showing much interest. And no, I haven't tried contacting him. I don't call or IM men. It's their job to pursue me. I'll send an email - but not even very many of those.

Come on guys! Step up to the plate and be a man! Ask her out, but only if you like her. Let her know somehow. Sheesh! Email her. Text her. IM her. Do something!

I'm trying really hard to not go down the "what's wrong with me" slippery slope, although I'm very close to the edge. I'm teetering on the edge. And it's very very slippery.

I'm going to the movies with a girlfriend. At least I know Rachel loves me.

Rain

I'm very thankful for the rain. Want to know why? It's not what you think. Yeah, yeah - it gives all living things a drink. Yea for rain. But it also stops silly blond girls from thinking they can actually dig up stumps in the flower bed.

Holy crap! Have you ever tried to dig up the roots of a bush? This is no wimpy bush either. It's more like a tree - that's what it is! I think I have 4 to pull up. I couldn't even get the first one to wiggle! I dug all around it, not in dirt mind you. This is thick Texas clay. I thought with the ground being wet it would be easier. Um, no. I got very discouraged. I wanted to quit. But I just knew all the neighbors were watching out their windows. Let's listen in on their conversations, shall we?

Thank God that blond gringa is actually going to clean up her flower beds. Uh-oh, she's having trouble. Should we offer to help? Nah, it's more fun to watch her struggle. Look at her singing with her headphones. Dig blondie, dig! You can do it. Oh it's starting to rain. Does the blondie have a brain or will she keep digging in the rain? Nope, she went inside. Good gringa. Smart. Now - what's she doing out here with a camera?

Thank God for rain. I could go inside without shame.

And since I had a camera, can I just rant for a bit about those stupid fluffy webworms? You know the ones. They are all cute and fluffy. They have completely eaten one of my trees. Look there are almost no leaves left. Stupid greedy little suckers.

Not My Favorite & My Favorite

Why aren't I sleeping? I'm so tired. Know what I've been doing? Trying on clothes! Yeah - trying to figure out what to wear on the 5th. Is that stupid or what? It's like an entire week away, but I'm concerned about it right now! AUGH! Dating is NOT my favorite thing to do in the world. Does anyone out there really like it? I want to stop worrying, relax and just enjoy it.

Too many things to wonder about.

On another note - I listened to a CD today that I haven't in awhile. I was listening to DC Talk's Red Letters and when I heard Kevin Max's voice, I just gave a big sigh. I haven't listened to Kevin Max in a long time. It's been months. There are too many memories attached to his voice and his songs. But today - ahhh. It was nice to hear from him. I put on The Imposter and turned it way up. I'm sure the guy in the car in front of me enjoyed my singing show. It did bring back a lot of memories - some of the lyrics of Sanctuary written out to me when he got home . . . part of Imposter that always gave me hope: "this is such a strange beginning. i follow you and i find new meaning. we are formed from all these pieces, take my love and give it reason and you know our day will come. . . ." Anyway - it didn't make me sad this time. I'm really glad it didn't make me sad. It was. . . bittersweet. I learned a lot during that time - and for that I will always be thankful. The biggest thing I learned was that there are guys out there who have at least some of the qualities I want in a man. There are guys who will open their hearts, guys who will send me an email just to let me know when something moves him, guys who are ready and willing to make me laugh - constantly! There are guys who can be as dorky as me. We watched Star Wars at separate homes while IMing during the entire movie and he was as adamant as me that we had to be in the same exact spot the whole time. I think that was one of the best evenings in my life. I know many of you will never ever understand that, but I loved that night. There are guys who can write phenomenally and there are guys who love our Savior and always bring the conversation back to Him.

And some day - my guy will have all that and more.

I have to be honest. Now I'm a bit sad. I just wish I understood everything - you know? That's OK. Someday ~ I will.

Finally!

I have a date on July 5th. Yeah, that's a long time from now and it's been a long time coming and who knows if it will really happen.

But for this moment - I'm going to be excited.

To My Future Husband

Hey Future Husband,

I don't know if you are reading. In fact, I highly doubt that you are. It'd be kind of cool if you were, but most unlikely. I wonder if I know you already? Probably not. That's OK. I don't have to know you yet.

I realized something today. I don't like my dad very much. Don't get me wrong - I love the guy. He's my dad. But he's not the kind of man I want to model my future husband after.

My parents had a chest of drawers that was from a set I had as a kid. We took one piece and put it in Elyssa's room a long time ago. I just recently got the nightstand and asked my mom if I could get the large chest too. She thought that was fine. She found another chest yesterday to use instead and started to move it in today. My dad - he doesn't think a woman is capable of doing anything. He wasn't feeling well (ie - drunk or hung-over) so he put on his sad face and proceeded to help. He made my mom feel like it was all her fault for even trying this. That she was stupid to even think of doing it. I found myself falling into the trap of feeling bad about it and then just wanted to smack him upside the head. He didn't have to help. He could be an ass all by himself in the other room. He could do what he always did - sit, watch TV and drink his Jack Daniels. I wanted to yell at him. I was saddened because I realized my mom had to put up with this for their whole marriage. He's always been like that. Any time she wanted to change the furniture around or paint something or ANYTHING, he always made her feel like crap. Me too, now that I think about it. I can remember wanting to put up Christmas lights and how he made me feel like it was such a hassle and just dumb. I felt bad because I was doing something he didn't want to do.

Guess what my ex is like? He's EXACTLY the same way. Anytime I wanted to do something, he'd help - but not joyfully. He'd do it, but I'd have to put up with his body language and comments that made me think I was stupid and how could I waste his time like that?

I want a real man - a Godly man. Not a perfect man - I know that doesn't exist. But a man who will joyfully help his wife - EVEN if he doesn't really want to do it. A man who will be excited on vacations and not treat it all as a big waste of his time. A man who will be a man. A real man. Not the crappy, self-centered men that surround us these days. I want a man who will love his wife like Christ loves the church. Do men like this exist? Single men? Are they a myth? Or are they all just taken already?

So - future husband, if you're reading, be ready to do some projects with me while we're dating. You're going to have to prove that you are a real man. Are you ready to love me like Christ loves the church? Do you understand what that means? He was willing to suffer and die. He was willing to love through the pain and heartache. He was willing to forgive. He was willing. Are you?

It makes me wonder what I do or don't do as a wife. How can I know? Who can tell me now? I'm slowly chipping away at the layers of crap that have defined me for so many years. I'm working right now to be the best I can be for you. Well, not just you. There's Someone who will forever be more important than you. I hope you aren't the jealous type. I'm giving Him my entire heart and soul. Maybe one day, He'll feel that it's time for you to join our circle. I hope so.

Keep healing, future husband. Keep leaning on our Savior. Keep yearning for me. I'm waiting for you. I hope you'll wait for me too.

~Erin

Whiney Baby?

Am I coming across as a big fat whiner? I don't mean to be. Just venting. Sorry - had to check.

Bad Mood

I've been in such a mood the last few days. I couldn't figure it out. Now I know why I was psycho freak! I was taking my meds this afternoon (yeah - meds - ha! - you always knew I was a crazy person!) and realized somewhere in the last few days I totally forgot to take them. I took Monday's meds today. Ahhh - that explains it. Of course I did have to stop and think - what is today? Is it Monday? Or is it Tuesday? (I just LOVE being a teacher!) It's just vitamins and allergy and - oh yeah my anti-depressant. Now all you Tom Cruise wanna-bes can be mad at me taking something. I don't care. I guess you'll just have to stop reading. So sad for you. Trust me when I say - life is much better when I'm taking something. (Yeah - now you really think I'm nuts.)

This is what happened prior to realizing I hadn't taken my medicine. My dad called and asked me to get on the web and find out how to get rid of those webworm things that get in your trees. I asked him why - was he having lots of issues with them? He asked when was the last time I looked in my backyard. I told him I hate my backyard so I try to never look back there. There's not enough grass. It's just ugly. I peeked out my back door - holy crap! It looked like gigantor spiders had invaded my trees. I started to cry. I told my dad it is never ending! I'm trying so hard to clean up the inside of my house - get Elyssa's room and the game room organized and clean out the poop that has accumulated in our house. (Not real poop!) And the outside is totally falling apart too. I hate doing it all by myself.

The front of my house looks horrible - so unloved. I need to get a new fence. I need the siding repaired on my house. I need grass in the back yard and I want a deck. I have 3 trees that I want cut down. I totally whacked all my bushes down out front, so now I need to get the stumps out of my flower beds. I need my flower beds dug up and expanded. I need to paint furniture for Elyssa's room. I need to hang shelves in her room and in the game room. I need to organize the office.

Then I think about all the people who don't even have houses and wonder why I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. Why am I focusing on the negative so much lately? How do I switch it back to focusing on the positive? I know part of it is that I haven't spent much time with God lately. Life doesn't work with out Him - but here I am trying yet again to do it all on my own. Have I prayed for any of that stuff that's worrying me? Of course not. I did pray for a fence - once - many weeks ago.

Wow - I love writing here. I love how it clears out the crap in my head and helps me realize what's important. God ~ help me to focus on what is right - You. Only You.

Reader ~ thanks for listening to my rant.

Pathetic? Yes!

Would it be horribly pathetic to email someone and ask if there would ever be a chance for us? Why can't feelings that are gone, just stay gone? Why do I have to clean out a drawer (stupid need to clean!) and stumble across a picture that I stole from a kid's backpack (holy crap - I can't believe I'm admitting that!) and copied on the copy machine at school. And it's not really stealing. I put it back! (I did recently find the one I've been carrying in my wallet since November! Oh yeah - pathetic with a capital P.) How can someone I don't even get to talk to anymore still feel like the right one for me? And while I'm confessing, let's just go ahead and admit that I cyber-snooped. On his myspace page it says, "To love and be loved is all he ever wanted." Um, hello? I could do that for you. I could love you and you could love me and we'd both be happy. But no - something must be wrong with me. I'm not it. Why not? Why can't I be it?

Maybe because your a pathetic psycho freak?

I've been out of school for two weeks. I've done nothing. I'm feeling a tad bit like a loser. My pastor yesterday asked us what we were doing with the opportunities that God has given us. I've got the opportunity of lots of time off - that I could be using for His glory. What am I doing? Watching my DVDs of Friends (I'm in season 6) and wondering why I can't have a boyfriend. I got to hug a guy on Saturday night. He's the son of a friend of mine. (Sorry Debbie - if you're reading!) He's 26 (way too young for me) but so . . . manly! He was . . . sturdy, strong. . . tough. . . a man! It's amusing to me (and at the same time quite sad) that something so minor made such a huge impression on me. I miss a man's touch more than I like to admit. So why can't I have one of my own?

Could it be because you're sitting around watching TV instead of out doing stuff? Or possibly because you are a pathetic psycho freak?

I'm so sick of myself. And I'm stuck with me. AUGHH!

So, I shouldn't email him. That would be dumb, right? Even though we're so right for each other? Except for the whole fact that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me . . . . But why not? I could go on and on about why we would be great. Nah, I guess it doesn't really matter what I think. So what's wrong with me? That's a rhetorical question - I know what's wrong with me. But I think it would be awfully pathetic to actually list it all out for you. I'm not quite to that point of pathetic-ness yet. But stay tuned. I'm sure it'll happen soon.

Pictures Soon

We went riding again today. I really love it - especially after buying a better (i.e. "softer") seat. Ahhhh. . . . Although, I had to get grief from the bike shop dude because I bought an "off the rack" bike instead of buying one from somebody who knows what they're doing. I promised him that if we really ride a lot, I'll come in and get a better bike. But I'd rather spend $60 on something that may be a passing fancy than $250 on one of his bikes. I was smart, right?

I'll try to get some pictures of us if you really must have some. I suppose I could take one of Elyssa and she could take one of me. We saw some baby ducks today and learned about picking up a lot of speed before you get to a hill. Elyssa was cracking me up. We went about 2 miles today - which probably for an adult isn't that far, but I was proud of Elyssa. Although, I was breathing harder than she was. Hmmmm. Now if only my leg muscles will start bulging out again like they used to when I played soccer. THEN I will be very happy. Ha! Maybe that's too much info. . . .

First Base

Elyssa asked me today, "Did you ever slide into first base with my dad?"

Huh?

Then I remembered that stupid Texas Rangers billboard that says

First Base
has nothing to do with
Kissing

I was cracking up! She had asked me about that sign a long time ago and I struggled through how people used to say that kissing was like getting to first base. How do you explain that? Then I was concerned about the other bases! What if she asked about those!? Luckily she has not asked about those. I'm sure it's coming.

Then to answer her question about first base with her dad - ugh. It was funny. "Yes Elyssa, your dad and I used to kiss a lot. But not any more." Just awkward weird funny stuff. And I know this is only the beginning! I want to be honest with her so that when it matters, she knows she can ask me anything. But I also don't want to tell her more than she needs to know. It's weird.

New Bikes

Elyssa learned how to ride a bike at her dad's house. Yea! I was hoping he'd teach her. I tried, but running behind a bike is not my idea of fun. That's a dad's job. I'm proud of him for stepping up.

We had to buy her a bigger bicycle. So we decided to get one for me too, because obviously she's going to want to ride around. I think I'm going to die. How does a 7 year old have more energy to ride bikes than me? She was constantly waaaay ahead of me. My legs feel like jello. I need a shower. And what's this about helmets? I don't want to wear one. I didn't wear one when I was a kid. I hate them. They look dorky and make your head hot. But I am a responsible parent. I let Elyssa pick out a helmet just like hers (thankfully just red and purple - we looked for a Star Wars one, but no luck.) I'm wearing it. I don't like it - but I'm wearing it.

I didn't fall at all! Yea me!

Unfailing Love

This verse brought tears:

Psalms 33:11
But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of His heart through all generations.

It's comforting to know that no matter what - God's purpose will be done. Even when we don't get it. Even when it doesn't go the way we think. God's got it all under control. I also like how it says "the purposes of His heart." I don't know that I think about God's heart very much. It makes Him more of a man I can hug rather than crotchety old judge guy looking down. Is that totally disrespectful?

I also read this:

Psalm 32:10
Many are the woes of the wicked, but the Lord's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in Him.

I thought to myself - that's kind of cool. Unfailing Love. I even wrote it in the margin of my Bible. Unfailing Love. So I kept reading:

Psalm 33:5
The Lord loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of His unfailing love.

Psalm 33:18
But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear Him, on those whose hope is in His unfailing love,

At this point, I stopped and thought - OK God. I get it. Unfailing love. That's what You are. I see and understand. And kept reading. . . .

Psalm 33:22
May Your unfailing love rest upon us O Lord, even as we put our hope in You.

Hey David - repeat much? Unfailing Love. Unfailing. Do you get it? It's hard to comprehend because we have nothing to compare it to on Earth. Love has failed us all a bazillion times. There is no such thing as unfailing love among humans. We can try as hard as we want - but we'll still fail each other. But God - His love is UNFAILING. It never fails. Ever. I don't know - it kind of blows my mind. I'm not sure I trust it. I mean, I do. But. . . it is very hard to imagine. It's hard to trust that He will never fail me since everybody else has at one time or another. Surely I'm not the only one with these trust issues?