Confession

My pastor talked about faith tonight. One thing he said was "Habitual sin is a lack of faith. Laziness is a lack of faith. Refusing to engage with your neighbors is a lack of faith." How does Pastor Matt know? How does he know what's going on in my life all the time?

I was asked to go eat with with some people I don't really know in person on Saturday to celebrate this really nice guy's birthday. I know them only through this very blog. I was filled with fear. Going to meet people I don't know is an agonizing and horrendous idea to me. It's never that feeling when I'm first asked. Well, that's not true. The feeling is there but I pretend that it is not. But upon reflection, I am filled with fear. I can't do it. I don't know what to say. They won't like me.

I did this when I first tried to meet with my home group. It took a few months to force myself to meet these people who have nothing but love for me.

So I didn't go on Saturday and I'm sorry.

Lack of faith. Jesus is the one who ties these strangers to me. I care about them and have never met most of them. They already care about me. I believe the lies of Satan instead of stepping out in faith that Jesus will be there with me too.

There are many times I will not answer the phone when it's someone I know, but not well, and I think they are going to ask me to do something. How crazy is that? I won't know what to say. I won't know what to do. I won't be what they think I am. Lies - all lies from the master liar.

As my counselor would say, I'm being a pawn for Satan. I'm allowing him to lead me around instead of telling him to shove it and following my Savior.

So with tears in my eyes, I offer my apologies. If you ask me again, I will do my best to not let Satan's lies hold me back.

Lucy and Aslan

Elyssa and I saw Prince Caspian last night. It's a good movie, but they change too much from the book and that annoys me. I know they have to do it sometimes or else the movie would be 14 hours long. I'd rather have the 14 hour movie. They just changed the order of some things and added stuff. It's still a good movie. Maybe I just need to see it again.

But what I loved was how Lucy sees Aslan and her face lights up and she runs to him and throws her arms around him. That's how I want to be with Jesus. But I hold myself back - I'm sure it's because of my lack of worthiness feeling. I like that she has no hesitation. She doesn't feel like she's intruding. She feels comfortable and free.

I want that too.

Battlefield

I read this the other day and was brought up short. I don't want to be a pawn of Satan! I do not want to be separated from my glorious King by the little "nothings" in life.

The Gentle Slope to Nothing

Screwtape reveals Nothing:

The Christians describe the Enemy as one 'without whom Nothing is strong'. And Nothing is very strong: strong enough to steal away a man's best years not in sweet sins but in a dreary flickering of the mind over it knows not what and knows not why, in the gratification of curiosities so feeble that the man is only half aware of them, in drumming of fingers and kicking of heels, in whistling tunes that he does not like, or in the long, dim labyrinth of reveries that have not even lust or ambition to give them a relish, but which, once chance association has started them, the creature is too weak and fuddled to shake off.

You will say that these are very small sins; and doubtless, like all young tempters, you are anxious to be able to report spectacular wickedness. But do remember, the only thing that matters is the extent to which you separate the man from the Enemy. It does not matter how small the sins are provided that their cumulative effect is to edge the man away from the Light and out into the Nothing. Murder is no better than cards if cards can do the trick. Indeed the safest road to Hell is the gradual one—the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts.

—from The Screwtape Letters by C. S. Lewis

I'm working with my counselor right now on taking control of my mind. It is a spiritual battlefield and I have not been fighting it very well.

You've all read in Ephesians about putting on the armor of God. I got a vision and wished I could draw what I see in my head. Maybe I'll try drawing it someday.

Ephesians 6:10-18

10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

2Corinthians 10:4-5

4The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. 5We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

I've heard this all before, but I forget too easily. I want to remember! I know that part of my problem (a HUGE part) is that I'm not in God's word every day. I have to do that. It's why I forget. I don't have the weapons to fight Satan with. I wonder why I don't have those weapons. For some reason, I can read a Star Wars book in a few days but just don't have time to read my Bible. Hmmmm. Call me crazy, but that's a pretty lame excuse. Where are my priorities?

Pastor Matt always asks, "What stirs your affections for Christ? Do those things! What robs you of your affections for Christ? Stay away from those things!"

I've been reading a lot lately (for the last 2 months!) and not writing because I'm at a point with my counselor where I'm supposed to be looking at and acknowledging that deep pain that we all know is down there. I just don't want to find it. I say I don't really know what it is, but I think I do. I just don't want to expose it even though I know that's the only way to heal it. To me, that specific pain is pointless and selfish and childish and I should just get over it. But - that's called NOT taking my thoughts captive and making them obedient to Christ. I'm not seeing myself as Christ sees me. I'm falling into my core belief that I'm not valuable enough or worthy enough to be loved. That's why I need God's armor.

Final thing: a prayer request. My church goes to Family Camp each year in Arkansas at Shepherd of the Ozarks. I deeply want to go. I am number one on the waiting list. The owner guy said that the probability of us getting to go is VERY high because there are always cancellations. Please pray that it works out that Elyssa and I can go. There are two reasons I want to go so badly. First of all, this is a way for me to make some more connections with people at my church. I still feel like I don't know very many people. The other reason is that I desperately want Elyssa to be surrounded by some Godly men. I want her to see how a Godly man acts and how he treats his family and how he prays and how he serves. I didn't get to see much of that growing up or in my marriage. I have a profound desire for Elyssa to see that. Thanks!

Ahhh. . . it feels good to be writing again! :-)

I'm Back!

I've decided that I'm hiding out from something. I haven't been writing. I've only been reading, and not reading anything that's going to improve me in any way. I'm just doing what I always do - go hide in my room and read. So what's my deal? Hmmmm. I don't know. But I've got to start making time for me again. I need to clear out the cobwebs that are forming up there.

Life is good. School is almost over! Three more full weeks and then I'm off for almost 3 months! I can't wait. But I will be doing more for God's kingdom this summer instead of just sitting on my tush. I've got plans. I'll let you know so you can hold me accountable.

Check back soon.

Hmmmm

I'm not doing so well in the blogging world. I've got lots of thoughts but no time. Sorry! Someday I'll write again.

Screwtape Letters

In case you are unfamiliar, C.S. Lewis authored some letters written by a demon named Screwtape to his nephew, Wormwood. In them, Screwtape is teaching Wormwood how to be a better demon. The following just hit me in the heart.

To anticipate the Enemy's strategy, we must consider His aims. The Enemy wants to bring the man to a state of mind in which he could design the best cathedral in the world, and know it to be the best, and rejoice in the fact, without being any more (or less) or otherwise glad at having done it than he would be if it had been done by another. The Enemy wants him, in the end, to be so free from any bias in his own favor that he can rejoice in his own talents as frankly and gratefully as in his neighbor's talents - or in a sunrise, an elephant, or a waterfall. He wants each man, in the long run, to be able to recognize all creatures (even himself) as glorious and excellent things. He wants to kill their animal self-love as soon as possible; but it is His long-term policy, I fear, to restore to them a new kind of self-love - a charity and gratitude for all selves, including their own; when they have really learned to love their neighbors as themselves, they will be allowed to love themselves as their neighbors. For we must never forget what is the most repellent and inexplicable trait in our Enemy; He really loves the hairless bipeds He has created and always gives back to them with His right hand what He has taken away with His left.

Apples

There's that thing out there that you want. It may be something small. It may be something huge. But we are not allowed that thing at this point in our lives for whatever reason God has. He is denying it to us and we hate being denied. We want it. We feel like He is keeping us from joy. I know you've felt that way before; we all have.

Elyssa and I have been listening to the Radio Plays of The Chronicles of Narnia lately. They are from Focus on the Family and are really good. They follow the books almost exactly. Being a voracious reader, I always want the book and movie (or radio play) to match up as closely as possible.

I love The Chronicles of Narnia. Each time I read them (or listen to them), I am overcome with the symbolism. I'm moved to tears quite often. Today, we were listening to the part in The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe where Aslan is killed - huge tears came to my eyes when they were tying him up, beating him and shaving his mane. He just took it, with love. It was hard and it hurt, but he did it for Edmund. Just like Jesus did it for all of us. Beautiful.

Have you read the first one? It's called The Magicians Nephew. It tells about how Narnia was created. In it, Diggory Kirke (who later becomes Professor Kirke in LWW) has a sick mother. He is sent by Aslan to get an apple from a tree far away. When he gets there, the tree is surrounded by a high wall with a gate. The message on the gate says:

Come in by the gold gates or not at all,
Take of my fruit for others or forbear,
For those who steal or those who climb my wall
Shall find their heart's desire and find despair.

Diggory goes in to get the apple - he'd been invited by Aslan and of course used the gate. He plucks an apple and puts it in his pocket. The he hears a soft voice behind him. It's Jadis (who later becomes the White Witch in LWW). She's climbed over the wall and has eaten an apple. And she finds her heart's desire - she feels strength and eternal youth pour into her. She tempts Diggory with the apple, telling him to take it to his sick mother because it will make her well. It's all he's wanted - it's his heart's desire to see his mother get well. But Diggory realizes that his mother would not want him to lie or steal just to make her well so he takes the apple back to Aslan. He admits to Aslan that he was tempted. Aslan assures him that his mother would have gotten well, but that she would have hated her life. He says that the witch is already figuring out that length of days with an evil heart is only length of misery. He says, "All get what they want; they do not always like it."

Then Aslan asks Diggory to pluck an apple for his mother and to take it to her! Diggory gets his heart's desire on Aslan's timetable, not his own. If he had gotten it when he wanted it, it would have been horrible. He waited and it was worth it.

We have to remember that - God's time line is perfect. He knows best. We just have to believe it.

It's been kind of a hard few days for me. I want something right now. There are times when I get down and feel like it's being denied to me out of spite. Like God's keeping it from me because He wants me to suffer. Everyone else is getting what I want. He must be keeping it from me because I'm not good enough or I've done something wrong. I need a good swift kick in the butt so that I can realize how ludicrous that is! God knows best. He knows how much I want a man in my life. It's not the right time right now. The desire doesn't go away; maybe that means it is placed there by Him and it will be fulfilled at some point. God knows. I have to have faith.

I have two friends in my home group who send these devotionals out every once in awhile. If the devotional speaks to their heart, they send them on. I can't tell you how many times it is exactly what I needed to hear at that very moment. Well, I've been wanting to post this thing about The Magician's Nephew for quite a few days, but just haven't had time. Today I'm struggling more with my apple than I have in awhile. (I just want a date. Is that so bad? But God knows my heart - it's more than just a date that I want and I'm not ready for that yet. Drat.) Lisa sent a devotional today. Can you guess what it's about? It's about Eve and the apple in the garden of Eden. Please click here and read it for yourself.

I want my apple. It's denied to me right now, but that's because God knows it's not quite ripe for me yet. When the time is right, I'll get my apple.

You'll get yours someday too. God has promised.

Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." (NLT)

Ephesians 2:10, "For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." (NLT)

NOT Stagnant

My counselor got onto me about the Stagnant post a few days ago. What she said made sense. I keep talking down to myself, like there's something wrong with me because I'm not getting some fundamental truth at this moment. It's feeding right into my issue of not being worthy of things - not being good enough.

I am getting stuff. I am growing in my relationship with Christ. I am! Sometimes it's not moving as quickly as I think it should, but I'm going at the pace that God has me going. I'm in His hands on His timetable - not my own. It's not a race. It's a journey.

Anyway, I just thought I'd share that I'm not stagnant and I will do my best to quit complaining in that way.

But don't worry - - I'm sure I'll find other ways to complain. :-)

Easter Eggs!

We had a quick egg hunt when Elyssa finally got home. She's so cute.





And here's me - It's the first picture where I can actually tell that I've lost weight. It makes me feel good - and is making me stop eating those stupid Peeps! My gosh - what is it about those horrible things?

Darn It

So Elyssa's dad just told me he's not going to get her home in time to go to church with me. In the grand scheme of life, it's not that big of a deal I suppose. But I wanted my daughter to go to church with me on Easter. I mean, it's not really with me since she goes to Kid's Village and I go to the main service, but still.

I guess I need to keep in mind that it's not like Easter is the only time we go to church each year, right? So really it's not that big of a deal. Right? Yeah, I need some convincing. Sigh. I hate divorce. I hate sharing a kid. I hate sharing holidays. I hate that their big happy family is all together and I'm by myself. Again. On a holiday. I'm supposed to have my daughter with me.

On another note, I'm reading a Star Wars book and one of the Jedi is named Eelysa. That's got to be pronounced the same as my daughter, correct? That's kind of cool.

And I've been spending some time writing about my wounded inner child sitting with God and having a conversation. It's pretty cool. I may have to post this one - it's not as intimate as my adult self sitting with God. I'll think about it.

Sorry to rant and rave and pout on a special day. I was overcome with sadness there for a bit. But Elyssa and I can talk about the meaning behind this special day when she gets home tonight. It doesn't HAVE to be at church. I hope you all have had time to reflect on what our great Savior did for us today.

He lives!

All I Need

From The Search for Significance Devotional Journal:

Here I am for You to help me see what my most basic needs are so that I will know that You are the source for all I need. Help me this day not to give in to the temptation to find those answers anywhere else.

Stagnant

That's how I feel. I'm stuck. There's something I'm not getting - something I'm not doing right. There's something I need to learn or something I need to accept and I just can't seem to get there.

It's sounds hokey but I'm supposed to be envisioning my inner child going up to God the Father and allowing Him to love me. I'm struggling with that. The question I'm supposed to be answering is why am I struggling with getting there? What's holding me back?

It's going to take me admitting that my childhood wasn't perfect. I mean, no one's childhood was perfect. But mine lacked something fundamental and I'm having a hard time accepting that. My parents loved me. But somewhere along the way, I accepted as truth that I wasn't very important. Everyone deserves more attention than me. Everyone needs it more than me. But I'm learning that I actually needed it too. That little girl always went into her room and read a book because there was so much drama out with everyone else. Don't get me wrong - I'm not putting blame on my parents. They did what they could. It's not their fault so much as it is just something that I needed that I didn't get. It still happens now. My parents don't come down to my house anymore. My grandmother is too old and going downhill. Once again, someone else is more important than me. I think my dad tries to make up for it like he used to. He's getting some work done on my house - it's getting repainted, the wood is getting replaced. I'm paying for new flower beds. We're getting a new fence. I need those things - my fence is about to fall over. Seriously, a tree is holding it up on one side. But what I want more than the outside of my house being pretty is that my family would want to spend time with me - down here at my house. We always go there.

Then I struggle with feeling badly because my grandmother is 94 years old. Doesn't she deserve the extra time and effort? But I think what I'm supposed to see is that I deserve the time and effort too. Don't I?

My counselor says that I have to get that within myself. My value doesn't come from outside - it comes from God and God alone. It's funny how I'm 37 years old and I'm still wanting to feel important to my parents. It's all I've wanted - to feel important to someone. That's why I want a man - I want a man to make me feel important. But that's just grasping at air. It's not going to fill me up. I constantly doubt my value to all who claim to care about me. Do they really? It's not them. It's me. I don't think I have value so I can't accept it from others. Does that make sense?

It's funny how I'll think I have that core belief beaten back, but it's still there. The value of Erin.

Please don't leave me a comment with how valuable you think I am or how much value I have in Christ. That's not what I'm looking for at all. It's me who has to think I'm valuable. It's me who has to do it. It's me who has to see my worth in Him. You telling me doesn't make me believe it any better. You can just pray for me - that I'll get it - that I'll learn it. Pray that I'll believe it so I can get on with my life and be what He wants me to be.

Aquarium Fun

We went to the Dallas World Aquarium today. It was fun - super crowded, but we had a good time.

The Bible

My pastor's sermon about how much we spend our money on Christian books. Not that there is anything wrong with inspirational books. He wasn't going there. He was warning us to be careful with what we read and just make sure it follows the Bible. He reads them all - he just was amazed at how so many Christian books make up stuff or add to the cross and how we have to be very careful. He read us a passage from a best seller and how it made God sound like He was surprised at some things that transpire. God surprised? How can an all-knowing God be surprised? He gave us 4 questions to think about when reading other books:

1. What does the book do with the scriptures? Does it imply that the Bible is cold and dead? (The Bible is comprised of writings over 1000 years with many different types of authors and is cohesive. It is not cold and dead - it is living and good for the present day.)
2. Does the book add anything at all to the cross? (Christ died once for all! Nothing needs to be added to the cross.)
3. What does the book say about the essence of man? Does it imply that man is intrinsically good? Does it imply that man is the center of everything and God did everything for man? (Nothing could be further from the truth. Man is not good. Man is a sinner. God created all for His glory - not because He was lonely or to make us love Him.)
   
4. What does the book do with Jesus? Does the author make Him effeminate? Does it imply that Jesus is only a good moral teacher or is He God? (Jesus is God - fully man, but fully God.)
   

Luke 6:39 says, "He also told them this parable: "Can a blind man lead a blind man? Will they not both fall into a pit?"

Are you going to follow a man or are you going to follow God? I'm not a book burner or one who thinks books should be banned. Take the recent hub-bub on The Golden Compass. I bought it. I read it. There were a few things that made me uncomfortable. I won't recommend it to anyone else. But I don't think the fuss that a lot of the Christian community made about it should have occurred. Same with The Da Vinci Code. It was actually a great book. It was just fiction. I think discussion about these types of books is important, but to ban them as evil is funny to me. It's like the Harry Potter series. I absolutely love those books. They are the epitome of good verses evil. I have a little girl in my classroom is not allowed to even listen to the soundtrack because the mom told her Harry Potter was evil. The soundtrack is evil? I of course won't play it when she's in the room because I don't want to offend anyone, but that is craziness! The soundtrack is by John Williams - the genius behind the Star Wars music. My daughter will read Harry Potter - heck, I'll read it to her! And we will have great discussions about fact verses fiction and how magic is not real and what great lessons we can take from Harry Potter. Anyway - I'm getting off track. My point of this entire post was not to rant about censorship. Everyone has their own opinion.

My point is that my pastor's sermon made me think about how many times I will pick up a Christian book instead of picking up the Bible. Why do I think I'm going to get more from some other human's thoughts about the Bible instead of reading it on my own? I fall into the trap of reading more from other places than from the Bible. And that's something I want to change. I want to spend more time in the Bible.

Great Abba Father - lead me to Your word, to Your truth, to Your love.

Names

This was on someone else's blog and I just thought it was funny. Mostly it was the Star Wars names that caught my eye.

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME (first pet, current car):
Angel Puff Explorer

2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite type of shoe):
Mint Chocolate Chip Flip-flop

3. YOUR NATIVE AMERICAN NAME (favorite color, favorite animal):
Green Dog

4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME (middle name, city where you were born):
Lou Dallas

5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first name):
Erigi

6. SUPERHERO NAME (2nd favorite color, favorite drink):
Purple Coke

7. NASCAR NAME (the first names of your grandfathers):
Olan Riley

8. STRIPPER NAME ( the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent,favorite candy):
Peach Chocolate

9. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME (your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter):
Roth Richardson

10. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower):
Summer Tulip

11. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now):
Apple Pajamas

12. HIPPIE NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree):
Oatmeal Fruitless Pear

Spring Break!

Yea for Spring Break. I don't have to go back to work until Tuesday, March 25th!

THIS is why it's GREAT to be a teacher! People can complain all day long about how we don't get paid enough. Of course, I'd love to get paid more - who wouldn't? BUT we get so much time off. I'd rather have the time off than more money. I love the time off. I don't have to work, but am still getting paid. People need to stop complaining and enjoy what they have! Right? :-)

Enjoy the beautiful weather!

Here I Am!

I know it's been forever since I've let loose on my blog. I'm sure something will come soon! I've been doing a lot of off-line writing. My counselor had me write about how I visualize God the Father. Have you ever done that? I didn't have a visual for Him at all. I do now. You know how people talk about letting God fill up that spot in your heart? I think I finally felt what that was like. It is a pretty powerful piece of writing, but I don't want to put it here.

Basically, I walked into a crowded room and saw God over there waiting just for me. I had to get rid of all the other people and walk across the room to Him. It was hard for me to do that - walk across the room to Him. But when I was finished with the writing, wow. What a great joy and peace I had about me.

So that's what I'm working on right now - keeping that visual of God in my head.

Thanks for all the prayers for Elyssa. She is finally acting more like herself. We're going to school tomorrow. It's TAKS day! Yippee! I just HAVE to be there, so I'm praying she will stay healthy enough all day.

Oh - and I put a site tracker thing on my blog. It shows me how many hits and where people are looking from. I had someone in Canada reading! Amazing to me. So welcome all you blog stalkers! :-) Don't worry - I have about 10 that I stalk too. Feel free to leave a comment sometime. I hope you're getting as much from reading as I do from writing.

Sad

Elyssa is sick with strep and and ear infection. We've been battling 103 fever all day. It looks like I won't get to see Van Halen tomorrow. But it's OK. I hate seeing my little one so sick.

Despair? Or Trust God?

Please go read this.

2 Favorite Things

I just wanted everyone aware -

Star Wars Clone Wars will not only be a weekly TV show sometime this year, but they are also starting it first as a movie! I am beyond excited! This time Elyssa and I can both go to the 12:01 AM showing! How exciting that I can wait in line and share this awesome thing with my daughter! She gets to experience the real Star Wars phenomenon with me. We may even dress up!

It's coming August 15th, 2008. Then, in the fall, the weekly TV series will be on. Yippee!

The other thing is that I'm going to see Van Halen on March 3rd! I'm jazzed about getting to see a sober Eddie with David Lee Roth singing. I've never seen VH with David Lee Roth - only with Sammy Hagar. And Eddie's son Wolfgang will be playing bass. Cool dude!