The Lists

I'm not sure I remember how to do this. It's been two years - we really can't count the one post in 2010. But I've been feeling the urge to write and I need to do it. I'm really not sure what I want to write about anymore. The purpose of this in the very beginning was to write about God's love for me. I wanted to really understand that He loves me completely because it's always been something that I've struggled to believe. Of course, most of my writing was in pain - angry that I was alone.

I'm not alone anymore. (Which shocks the heck out of me from time to time. I mean, it's still new - but it feels very comfortable and awesome and right. ~blissful sigh~)

So how do I write about stuff now? I tend to lay it all out there for the whole world to see. I'm not sure that's the right thing to do now? Is it? Does it matter who is reading? Do I change to another whole blog thingy so that no one knows where I'm writing? Or do I just share the things on my heart? Somewhere in here I wrote about being afraid to share who I really am - with anyone - because you might not like who I really am. Right now I'm feeling like who I really am is really liked by someone. What an amazing thing! To be myself completely - total geek and weird Star Wars freak - and still be liked. A lot. By an amazing man who loves Jesus. I'm blown away. Somewhere else in here I wrote about wondering if there could ever be a man who had this little list of qualities. I didn't think he really existed. But . . . he does. I just went to find it. January 2007:

Recently I wrote the "wish list" that every single girl makes about her dream man. You know you've done it too. This is what I wrote: "Is there a strong Christian guy out there who loves Star Wars and science fiction, but isn't a total nerd, likes to read & watch movies, loves kids, can sing & make me laugh and thinks I'm beautiful?"

It blows me away that this guy was out there all that time - it was just waiting for God's timing.

OK - then I found this post from 2007 - MY LIST - and it makes me laugh too. It's a list I started right after my divorce back in 2003. Amusing to go back and read. But also amazing to go back and read - because I know this guy - the one who actually likes me - and he pretty much has this list wrapped up too.

It's so hard to wait for God's timing, but wow. . . .

Nothing

Yep. That's right. I've got nothing.

The Cross. The Swastika.

Oh yeah, I have a blog. Wow. It's been months. Anyone still reading?

So a girl I know wrote this as her status update on facebook:

"I look forward to the day when the cross sits discarded beside the swastika as just another reminder of the dangers of blind faith." -Craig Smiths.

It bothered me quite a bit, but I didn't know how, or if, I should respond. I kind of feel like I should have responded, but she's way smarter than me and I don't think I could defend myself logically - which is what seems to be most important to this lady. I do like this girl a lot. We aren't hang out buddies or anything, but she's got a lot of great qualities. I just wish she wasn't so lost.

Anyway - this is what I wanted to write:

I wondered how can these two things be compared to each other. At first I thought it was just plain craziness. The swastika is a symbol of total tyranny and hate. It is a symbol of death. That's when I stopped. I guess there are some similarities. The cross is a symbol of death too. But a very different kind of death. The swastika symbolizes one man's vision of perfection. The cross symbolizes perfection in Christ. The swastika is a symbol of killing others who are different than you. The cross is a symbol of one Man (different than us because He was sinless) dying for you. Of course, Christians did (and I'm sure still do) kill for their belief. But that's not what Christ wanted. Imperfect people - sinners - kill in the name of Christ. But Christ did not want that. Christ came in love and peace. He died so that we don't have to. I guess the cross and the swastika have some similarities, but they aren't the same thing at all.

Restless

I want to write, but just can't. I even tried to write an "I have this friend" so that I could write more freely, but it's not working. I've been feeling restless the past few days. I think part of it is that I can't write it all out. I'll stick to some safe topics for now.

Family camp is in just 2 more weeks. Elyssa and I can't wait! I'm hoping to develop some deeper relationships with people from my church.

Speaking of Elyssa, she's hardly been at her dad's this summer. He is always working, so even when she is there, she never gets to see him. Elyssa told me they even had people over on Father's Day. They had a Father's Day party! So you know she played with the kids that were there and didn't spend any time with her dad. I wish I could make him understand that he is wasting so much time right now. I appreciate the fact that times are tough and that they may need the extra money. But I wish he could understand that all those material things he's working so hard to pay for won't help him in his relationship with his daughter. It really makes me sad.

This is another reason I'm looking forward to family camp. If we could meet some godly families and if the men could love on Elyssa so she knows what that looks like. . . I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it. I can't wait to see her playing with the dads at family camp. It makes me sad - she should have grown up in an environment where I get to see her playing with a dad every day! But that's just a consequence of some of the choices I made in life. Thankfully God can still make good out of it.

I wouldn't mind some of that attention myself. Not the kind of attention you may first think of - these are all married guys. There are not very many singles going to family camp. And I love that. I need to learn how to be around men and learning with godly men seems to be the best way. Godly men are a different breed - very foreign to me. I don't know how to build regular friendly relationships with men.

In the past I've been very single-minded: is he cute? is he married? does he like me? All this is going on in my head from a distance, because you know I'll never go talk to someone! And if anyone would look at me - augh! I look away so fast. I've even set goals in the car: I will smile at 4 men between home and wherever I'm going. Isn't that dorky? We're driving along in our own little bubbles of social safety and I still feel uncomfortable! It's the car! I don't know these people! I can speed up and drive away from them! The smiling I can do OK, but I don't hold eye contact. So this week at family camp will be a learning experience for me. At least I hope it will. I will know 2 people there - hopefully I will branch out a little. I've already been jokingly told that my 2 friends are going to shun me in order to force me to meet other people - hopefully they are totally kidding.

Look at that - I was able to get out exactly what I wanted to get out and it's not awkward or too embarrassing at all. Big sigh of relief. I feel very stifiled if I can't write what I want to write. Hopefully the restless feelings will go away now.

Late Thoughts

I found a verse in Proverbs that stings a little. Someone recently reminded me that often, when something stings, it just might be Truth.

Proverbs 18:1
Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment.

Not sure I want to comment on that verse at this point, but wanted to be honest that I found it.

And I've got other things to say, but am finding it hard to write about certain things right now. I'm not good at being vague. And I'm hesitant to be totally open because . . . well, it's scary. How's that? I'm treading new waters and learning new skills and it's weird. It's a good weird, but still weird. Ha.

Avoidance

I'm here at church, up in the booth, listening to people chatting after church. I wish I belonged like that. I wish I had people to talk to. But I hide up here all alone. It's pathetic.

I avoid people. I know I do it, but can't seem to break the cycle. It's depressing. It's so ingrained - I don't know how to change.

When I was parking my car, I found a spot away from people. I actually had the thought, "if I park here I won't have to talk to the parking people." And all that would have required was a smile and hello. Difficult, right? I will wait until the lobby clears before going to the restroom because I'm afraid everyone out there will look at me and who knows what they are thinking.

I did it last night at my soccer game too. I'd come off the field and go way down to the end away from people. I'm not sure what exactly is my reasoning. I guess deep down, I don't think people would care about me. So then I probably come across snobby.

I can stand in front of 500 children and not feel threatened at all. But peers? Forget it.

I'm jealous of the ease others seem to have. It sucks. And what will I do after working this service? Go home and watch a movie by myself.

I wish I believed the promises of God a little better.

Control/Trust

I had dinner with 2 friends tonight. It refreshes my soul to be around godly women, especially after hearing so much from the world about how life is supposed to work itself out. What a difference! Matt made the comment last Sunday about how God's economy is flipped upside down to the world's economy. Everything God is opposite of everything in the world. Sometimes I think I can have it both ways. I somehow keep trying to make God's way fit with the world's way. It's not working out for me very well. It's helpful to put it all back in perspective again.

I mentioned not wanting to mess up whatever path God has me on now. I want to do things God's way and not my way. Luci mentioned a verse about "thwarting" so when I got home I looked it up. I found Job 42:2 "I know that You can do all things and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted." What a great promise! God is in control. Nothing I do can mess up anything that God has planned. On the flip side, nothing I do can make things happen if they aren't God's plan. I found Isaiah 14:27 too. "For the Lord of hosts has purposed, and who will annul it? His hand is stretched out, and who will turn it back?" If I will simply trust Him.

Psalm 27:14 Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!

I obsess at times about taking Bible verses out of context. That's a good thing, in a way, but a bad thing too because sometimes I don't belive God's promises are really written for me. They were written for whoever long ago, but not to me. I found Habakkuk 2:3-4.

For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end - it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay. Behold his soul is puffed up; it is not upright within him, but the righteous shall live by his faith.

So I was thinking, whatever the vision is, it is going to happen at the time God wants it to happen. It may seem slow, but it's God's plan - He knows the best time for things to happen. And the guy's soul that is puffed up - he's a guy who thinks he knows what's best - full of pride - it's not going to work out for him. But the righteous one, the one who is trusting in God, the vision is going to work out for him somehow, when God is ready for it to work out. He's living by faith and is going to accept God's plan for his life.

Then I was thinking - what if I'm making all that up and that's not what Habakkuk meant at all? So I looked in the notes and was pleasently surprised. "While the phrase, 'his soul is puffed up' refers primarily to Babylon in this context, it could include anyone who is proud. It will take faith to wait patiently for God's plan to unfold, but the rigtheous believe that God will accomplish it."

Then I wondered if God's plan only refers to Christ and how He justifies and sanctifies us - you know The Big Picture. Can the plan/vision be something on a smaller scale such as what job to take or when to start a family or any other desire of your heart? See, sometimes, (oh who am I kidding?) often times, I want to make God the God of the big things in life. Surely He can't be concerned with the little things. That's me sticking God up on the top of the mountain. He's got whole galaxies to keep spinning. I forget to make Him the God of all things, big and small. So maybe the plan/vision that Habakkuk is referring to could be some of the smaller scale items.

I think I'm rambling and not sure if any of it is making sense. I'm just saying that I want to be one of the righteous who will wait patiently for God's plan to unfold - whatever that plan is, if it's God's plan, then it is just right for me.