It's so hard to think one way and have to hide it because it's not the right time. Right here - this is my problem - I'm in the midst of it at this very moment. I know you can't visualize my frustration, but it's here! How do you stop thinking of things you shouldn't? They're not bad things; they aren't sinful. At least, I don't think they are. But maybe they are because it's not the right time for me to think them? AUGH!
Don't you wish I'd stop being so generic? Sorry - I have to protect the innocent. Me.
Lots and lots of prayer. Can you hear God? I'm asking because at this point I think He's speaking very LOUDLY to me, "ERIN - IT'S OK TO COME TO ME OVER AND OVER FOR THE SAME THING."
God - It's me again. I'm back. It's the same thing. You know my struggle. You know what I want. Patience. Patience. Patience. I can do all things through You who strengthens me. - Amen.
Now here's my new fear - am I really using this post to share what I know I shouldn't share in the first place? Do I hope that understanding will dawn and I'll get on the path towards what I want? Am I being sneaky? Or am I being generic enough that it's just sharing my frustration? I want to think I'm trying to share my struggle - but sometimes I'm not sure I trust my reasoning.
Some of you are scratching your heads thinking, "What on earth is she rambling about?"
And then I wonder - are these even being read? You could leave me a comment. :-)
2 comments:
I turn to a couple of Lewis writings to offer you some difficult advice:
But aren't there bad, unlawful pleasures? Certainly there are. But in calling them "bad pleasures" I take it we are using a kind of shorthand. We mean "pleasures snatched by unlwaful acts." It is the stealing of the apple that is bad, not the sweetness. The sweetness is still a beam from the glory. That does not palliate the stealing. It makes it worse. There is sacrilege in theft. We have abused a holy thing.
- C. S. Lewis
You cannot take all luggage with you on all journeys; on one journey even your right hand and your right eye may be among the things you have to leave behind...If we insist on keeping Hell (or even Earth) we shall not see Heaven: if we accept Heaven we shall not be able to retain even the smallest and most intimate souvenirs of Hell. I believe, to be sure, that any man who reaches Heaven will find that what he abandoned (even in plucking out his right eye) has not been lost: that the kernel of what he was really seeking even in his most depraved wishes will be there, beyond expectation, waiting for him in the 'High Countries'.
- C. S. Lewis
In essence, Lewis is saying that in order to find what you really seek, the unabused Holiness of His gifts, in whatever form they present themselves in this reality, you must reject any path that hints of lawless gain. There are many mirages in this desert. The Way is narrow. In 'The Magician's Nephew' there's a point in the story where the characters are presented with an orchard containg silver (I think) apples. The apples were extremely appealing, and said to give eternal life. The orchard was surronded by high walls. There were double doors on one wall, and a sign noting the lawful ways to help yourself to one of the apples. 1) You must enter through the doors 2) You may only take an apple in order to give it to someone else. There was another rule, I think, but I can't remember it now, but it's immaterial to my point. The protagonist of the story, Digory Kirke, in the end, takes an apple by the letter of the law: he enters the orchard correctly, and does not eat of it. He picks it with the intent to take it back to Aslan. The White Witch, on the other hand, unlawfully climbs the wall, and eats the apple. She gains eternal life. But, in essence she is cursed by the eternal life of the apple, and never again does it taste as pleasant as it did on the first bite. I think she begins to detest the scent of the apples. She tempts Digory to eat the apple himself, that Aslan will never know if he eats it...He can take Aslan another apple, or not go back to Aslan at all. She offers Digory a place at her side as King of Narnia. Digory eventually resists her temptation, and takes the apple back to Aslan. Ultimately Aslan awards Digory another apple, and he uses it to heal his ailing mother back in the real world.
The point of all this? No matter how tempting, or wonderful the apple appears, the very holiness of God in it - indeed the only thing that ever made it wonderful to your heart in the first place - will disappear with the horrible act of taking it by breaking the rules. When we break the law, we don't really break it...it breaks us. If cutting off our hands, or plucking out our eye is what's needed to direct us to the right path, the long and difficult path, the path that necessitates patience beyond our human capacity if not for His help, that's the hard play we must make. The very kernel of what we're chasing after, even in our most "depraved wishes" will be there "beyond expectation". That's a hard thing to do, but it is the only way we will avoid misery and be satisfied. There are no two ways about it. Ultimately, everything we've ever wanted or will want in this life is Him. There are traces of Him in everything we find beautiful or enchanting. We must not mistake the created for the Creator. We will be ensnared, and our progress as pilgrims to His city, to Him, will be impeded, and brought to a halt if we allow ourselves to be duped into slumber.
Yes, these are being read! I check every day - I've never blogged... I'm nervous about responding because then, there it is. But, Erin, I'm going to say again that the struggle you are going through is pretty amazing and wonderful. In EVERY struggle, you are questioning something about yourself, whether its your motives or your priorities or your value to God and in asking these very challenging questions, the essense of who you are is being revealed to YOU. So, while God is creating this time of fellowship between you and Him, you are learning about yourself and who you are, why you do what you do, or want what you want and YOU are learning who ERIN is as a woman, as a mother as an idividual, as a child of God and as an eventual mate. When that relationship gets here (not the Dowd part, the ones before that one =), you'll be equipped with understanding who you are in your humanness, who you want to be in your Godliness and how precious you are - and you'll appreciate it, and embrace it and love it. Yes, question why you're doing this, question why you're thinking what you're thinking... answer it, take a cold shower, and move on to the next lesson!
I love you to death, Erin and again think this is an AMAZING time of your life and God is really engaging - big time! I think you crack Him up, and I think he loves the fact that every single time you fall down or "fail" or "go there", that you look up at Him, you dust yourself off and you run like mad right back to Him... He's loving it!
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