It's Embarrassing

First, my blog must be smoking after all the comments this morning.

Second, I hate being so transparent. Everybody knows everything I think, even when I'm trying to be vague about it all. I mean, I know I'm writing for all to see. But some people can do that and people can still not have a clue what the person is really thinking. I think I'm being vague, but in actuality - I'm spilling my guts yet again. And yet, I don't stop writing. I like writing for an audience. I like that people care about my inner struggle. I don't like that I over-analyze. I don't like that I want a quick fix. I'm doing what I said that I wouldn't do again. I keep praying that something will be taken away and then when it's not, I begin to assume that it's supposed to be there and I take the reigns back from God and start mapping out my own path. Duh. You'd think at some point I'd learn. It's probably still there because God's still waiting for me to learn whatever it is I'm supposed to learn.

Yeah, anonymous person, I do need to do something to take the focus off me. But fear keeps me from doing that. I hate calling the pizza guy - because I don't know him. (Thankfully I can order online now!) I practice what I'm going to say before calling the doctor to make an appointment. It bothers me to walk into places alone - which I have to do all the time. I didn't want to call my neighbor who was going to fix my car - I begged my dad to call him. I've known this guy for probably 20 years. I taught his daughter! (My dad made me call, by the way.) It's stupid. I have no excuse. But I don't know how to call a place and volunteer and then actually going there? By myself? I know that sounds stupid to a lot of you and that's OK. You've got stupid stuff too. :-)

I'm leaving for the doctor - yes, I did call her this morning - yes, I did practice saying, "I need to make an appointment with Dr. Logan" before it was answered. I think I've got a sinus infection. Yipee. Why can't I get these during school so I can take a day off? (I know, that's horrible.)

I'm going to try to call my new church and ask if there is anything that needs to be done. That scares the crap out of me. I can't believe I just wrote it. Now I have to try.