Stupid X #2

Yesterday, I was able to walk away from him and laugh a little about his comments. When he started in this morning again - it punctured me. I hate that he can still make me cry. The things he was saying cut deep and I sobbed in the shower. To summarize today's tirade, he called me this morning to unleash his thoughts on me again. He said that I only think of myself. That I'm setting a horrible example for our daughter because I waited for him at a gas station. What kind of message does that send to a little girl? (I don't have an answer to that. I don't think she noticed where we were.) I'm not teaching her to be a girl. I'm not teaching her to care for herself - her fingernails were dirty! Her pony tail was falling down. Of course, we did just come from school and I felt like crap and didn't think to look at her fingernails. And let's not forget that her hat didn't match her coat. And I haven't bought her indoor soccer cleats so she had to wear her sneakers at her game today. He says I worry too much about myself. He says I'm teaching her boy things because she likes Star Wars. All these things tear at a woman's heart, you know?

My friend Christy asked in her comment if I emotionally knew that he doesn't define me. Did you catch my "of course" answer yesterday? I'm not so certain this morning. I think I'm so used to be talked to like that from him that I fall into the trap of believing him. Why else would I have sobbed as hard as I did this morning? I don't want to believe him. I was telling my friend Robin today that he makes me doubt myself. I don't like admitting that. I know it's stupid. I just don't understand how someone could be so mean. He's cruel to me. I don't understand cruelty. And since cruelty doesn't make sense to me, the next logical step is that his words have to mean something. Does that make sense? Robin said I have to stand up for myself - tell him that he is not allowed to speak to me that way. That scares me. Then she said I have to do it so Elyssa learns from my strength. I think that's the only thing that would help me stand up to him. I don't want her to EVER be treated this way by anyone. She's going to have to deal with her dad enough as it is.

I almost told him that I hated him this morning. The only thing that stopped me is that I know I'm supposed to be an example of God's love to him. So I cried instead.

Do you ever wonder is someone is your friend just because the someone is a nice person and doesn't want to hurt you? I unload my heart here - share my hurt - but I don't want anyone to think they have to be nice to me just so they don't add to my pain. I think that is more painful than anything else. Where is all this coming from? I think I must be doubting my worth (don't go off on me again, Christy!) if I'm questioning why someone is nice to me. There's not a lot of trust in me today, is there? I just wonder the motives behind some behaviors I guess. Why does God give us desires - desires that feel like they will kill you if they aren't fulfilled - but not let those desires be filled? I'm really turning this into a pity party. I hate what I let Stupid X do to me - fill me with doubt and vulnerability. Crap. This sucks. Please don't write anything to make me feel better. I already feel stupid enough.