Too Much

Lots of anguish last night. I should stop writing in public when I'm feeling like that. I did spend lots of time writing, praying and reading with God last night. I actually threw my journal across the room - it was a strange feeling. I've never done that before. It crumpled some pages. I couldn't leave it that way for long - that's just being mean to the poor book.

I don't know that I'm in a better spot just yet. At home group tonight, some ladies were talking about accepting that God may want us single. I felt like God was just throwing it up in my face again. I hate hearing that. I hate thinking like that. I don't like it. It makes me mad. Why would God choose that for me? And if He did want that for me - why would He make me desire a husband so badly?

I wrote about Hind's Feet - the book we're reading. One lady pointed out the following paragraph. I remember reading it and thinking, "That just plain sucks."

It is God's will that some of His children should learn this deep union with Himself through the perfect flowering of natural human love in marriage. For others it is equally His will that the same perfect union should be learned through the experience of learning to lay down completely this natural and instinctive desire for marriage and parenthood, and accept the circumstances of life which deny them this experience. This instinct for love, so firmly implanted in the human heart, is the supreme way by which we learn to desire and love God Himself above all else.

It's not fair. I'm supposed to be married. Stupid X is the one who cheated. Not me. It wasn't me who wanted out. I'm supposed to be married right now - not single. Not lonely. Not by myself. So how is that fair? How is that good? How is that working for the good of those who love Christ? It doesn't fit. It just doesn't.

I fear that I will never accept that God wants me single. I don't want to accept it. I don't. Not at all.

I don't want to be single.