Why Counseling?

I'm so excited by my step in going to see a counselor. It went great on Friday. Most of that was just background stuff - how I grew up and all that jazz. I sound like I could be a tragic movie - adopted, alcoholic father, drug addict brother in jail, mother who was so overwhelmed by the two mess-ups in the family that there was not much time for me, grandmother who never seemed to really love me since I'm not related by blood, husband who cheated and left me. . . I could be a Lifetime movie. But I don't feel like a Lifetime movie, you know? It's just amusing to me.

Anyway, it's funny how easy it was to talk to Ann. You know me and talking to people I don't know. I guess it's because I knew that I was there to heal my heart and she was there to help me do that. At one point she made some Christian comment - I can't remember exactly what - but I got a flutter in my heart. It's hard to explain. It's like - let's see - how can I explain it? I've been around Christians my whole life. But there are too many Christians who miss the personal relationship piece of Christianity. There are too many surface only, go to church on Sunday because that's what you're supposed to do kinds of Christians out there. In my home group and with some friends - Christ is so real. It's just cool. Anyway, my counselor said something and I got that flutter. It was like a peace that enveloped my heart - like I was doing the right thing. I got that feeling one other time that sticks out in my memory - when I had to let a friend go last December because I couldn't keep my heart in check. The peace that came in my heart was so real - that one hurt tremendously, but it was the same kind of feeling. It's just the Holy Spirit telling me I'm doing the right thing.

Ann asked me to list some reasons for why I felt that I needed counseling. I did that last Thursday night, but thought it might be interesting to let you guys know too. Plus I wanted to rethink it all again, after meeting with her that one time.

So why do I want counseling? I feel that my heart is still broken from the loss of my marriage. And while I think I've done some great healing - something is still not right. Pastor Matt says when we hear these stirrings in our heart, it's the Holy Spirit trying to woo us. We should listen.

1. I want to believe in my heart that God loves me unconditionally. I keep equating His love with the love I've experienced from humans. I've been let down so much. Why does He continue to love me? I know I let God down all the time. And He still loves me? Why? I know in my head that He loves me . Occasionally I know it in my heart. He shows me all the time. I wish I could tell you how often I've underlined "unfailing love" in my Bible in the last few months. He's constantly reminding me, but I'm still fighting it. Why? I want to fall deeply into His love and safety and never ever step away from it. I want His love to be enough for all time. But I'm scared to let go . . . .
2. I want to be married again so badly but I'm still broken and I believe God wants me to work on that brokenness before He will ever allow a man to join with my heart. What good will a broken heart be in a new marriage?
3. I want to stop the negative thoughts. I feel so worthless so much of the time. I hate it. I want to stop thinking horrible things about myself.
4. I know all the answers in my head. But I won't move that knowledge to my heart. Why? What is blocking that transformation?
5. I'm sick of being a people pleaser. Not that I want to stop pleasing others, but I want to stop wondering all the time what people think of me. Loving others is my nature - I want to stop wondering if they accept me. I want to stop worrying about letting others down in trivial matters.

I think that sums it up pretty well.

Church tonight was awesome yet again. I broke down during a song. It's funny because I put on extra mascara today - I'm always hearing how two coats of mascara is better than one so I thought I'd try it. Dorky. I'm not much of a makeup person. So I've got these LONG eyelashes tonight (it did look pretty) and totally lose it during a song. That'll teach me. Nice black smudges on the Kleenex. Have you heard this one?

MEET WITH ME by Ross King (C) 1999 Ross King

I will run to the cleft of the mountain and wait for You.
Will You come and meet with me?
I will wait in the cleft of the mountain for You to pass by,
Will You come and meet with me?

Oh, what a joy it would be,
Just for a moment to lay at the feet of the Lord,
Oh more than anything, that’s what I long for.

Oh, what a change it would bring,
Just to look deep in the face of the King who gave all,
You gave everything so You could meet with me,
Will You meet with me?

When we got to the line of "Just for a moment to lay at the feet of the Lord" I had to find Kleenex. That's what I long for. . . .