I've thought a lot today about the fact that what I want and what God seems to want aren't exactly the same thing. I wish I could say that I'm totally comfortable with that and concede to God's greatness. But I'm still arguing with Him. And it's not that I feel like God doesn't want this thing for me ever - He just seems to be saying a lot of "not right now." Maybe if He'd just tell me flat out, then it wouldn't be so hard. You know, rip the band-aid off and let it sting for a second. Not right now is hard. It's got enough of a yes to give a person hope, but enough of a no to make a person want to scheme and plan. It's been not right now for years! And as I write that, I think of Sarah and Abraham. They had a not right now for way more years than me. They schemed and planned and really screwed up. So scheming and planning is a big no.
As I spoke of this with a good friend, she said maybe I needed to repent for not trusting God very much. Ouch! It's true, though. Another friend told me, "this could be just another example, set in front of you by God, to show you what is out there." My question is, how many examples do I have to see? Quite a few, it seems.
I was reading a blog by our music pastors called Sound Doctrine. In it, Michael says, "The Creator, in their hearts, is moved from the center and becomes merely peripheral. Only when there is great desperation will there be a call for help. As long as they remain in the center of their own world though, they will fail to acknowledge their depravity and His marvelous mercy and grace in sending His Son as a propitiatory sacrifice." Creator moved from the center? I'd have to say yes just a little bit. Remember when I wrote about having Jesus in my living room, watching CSI? I'm doing it again.
Anyway, I don't have any answers for myself. I don't have any big "ah-ha!" to write about. I do know that I don't want cheap and meaningless, so I guess that's why there isn't any. No matter how much the world says cheap and meaningless is fun, I'm just not interested. But I'm kind of tired of hearing from the world, you know? I know how to help quiet the world - so I'm off to search for Him and hear what He has to say to me.
(It's funny - this is an attempt to write about something without really saying much. I don't think it worked.)
1 comment:
Not sure if these will help, but I read these two entries today and they spoke to me...
http://evotional.com/2009/06/short-term-to-long-term-memory.html
http://liveinthenameoflove.blogspot.com/2009/06/red-sea-creation-and-lazarus-part-ii.html
Would you and the kiddo like to go to lunch one day soon? You can come up to the station and we can go from there.
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