My Lesson

Growing is hard. But where would we be if we didn't? I asked a question in my previous post about what my purpose was in writing In the Middle of My Struggle. I now realize I was trying to force a discussion, if someone was smart enough to pick up on it. He was. :-)

I had a wonderful conversation (if IM is conversing) with my friend yesterday. He surprised me because he didn't react as I expected him to. I needed my imaginary wanderings to be brought to light and I needed to give them up. I have been stuck in fantasy land ever since my divorce and I wanted out, but didn't know how to get out. I think if he had reacted as every other male has, I would still be stuck in fantasy land. I would not have learned what God wanted me to learn. But he was a friend in the truest sense of the word. Jeff, I thank you for that.

What did God want me to learn? In my opinion, He is continuously showing me that I need to rely on Him BEFORE and MORE than people. And as hard as this lesson is, I'm not hating it. I got really mad at God about 2 months ago. A friend I've known for over 10 years told me he was getting divorced and I just KNEW that God meant for us to be together. Well, it didn't quite work out that way and I was so angry that God didn't do what I wanted. Fortunately, Dale and I are still friends and I can use my journey to help him get through his. Then God plops (Does God plop? That sounds strange, but funny, so I'll leave it) almost the same situation in my lap. "Did you learn your lesson yet, Erin?" Not really - but I was trying harder this time. I was aware of the lesson this time. And it hurt this time too (fantasy land always does) but I was thankful this time instead of angry. Wow, look at that - she can learn.

I really should ask The Village Church to link to this blog since I keep referring to their sermons. The latest one I'm listening to is on Loneliness. We all try to soften it - we don't say we're lonely. I've tried to type it here just now and my fingers don't want to do it. I say things like: I'm in a rough spot right now; I just miss being in a relationship; I need to go out more; I'm just feeling a bit disconnected; blah blah blah. But truthfully, I guess, maybe I am lonely? Yuck - I hate even saying it. And look how much I tried to soften it still! OK, here goes nothing: Hi, my name is Erin and I am lonely. There, I did it. The pastor reminded me of a ton of great stuff that I just can't write all here. (I know you love me, but you don't want to spend 3 hours reading one post, do you?) But the biggest thing - the most applicable in my life at this moment - is that loneliness can be used by God "to display the glory of Christ in drawing us to Him and He uses the loneliness to conform us to His image." I can ask Him to be sovereign over my loneliness. He already is anyway; I just have to acknowledge it to Him. He wants to hear me say it. The pastor reminded me of Job and that before Satan could attack Job, Satan had to ASK God for permission. I'm just as important to God as Job. God is allowing this in my life. He's not surprised by it and He is still in control. I loved what the pastor said next, so I hit rewind on my ipod over and over until I got it all copied:

When we allow God to speak to us in our deepest spiritual need, we then realize God can redeem our loneliness. And loneliness becomes a useful tool in His hands. It doesn't mean loneliness goes away. Jesus said in this world we will have trouble. He uses the loneliness as a megaphone.

And then (Jeff - if you're reading, you'll love this) he quotes C. S. Lewis. It was too much to copy, but the gist of it was that God whispers to us in our pleasures. He speaks to us in our conscious. And He shouts to us in our pain. (Jeff, resident Lewis expert, do you know where that's from?)

So, in summary, (and I know some of you are saying, "Thank goodness she's wrapping it up!) I feel pretty good. I want to make friends. That sounds kind of elementary school, but so be it. I don't know how to make friends. I've always thought that a guy's options were to like you in one way or not at all. That's not Christ's definition of friendship, you know? I've tried to find the other kind of "friendship" for the past 3 years and have ended up even more lonely than I was at the end of my marriage. Well, that's not totally true. That loneliness will forever be kind of hard to beat. But I feel like I'm on the correct path - not my path, but His.

Genesis 50:20 - Joseph is speaking to his brothers after they came to him in Egypt to beg for food: "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."

I just looked this up in my Bible and found a note I had written in the margin next to this verse. I just saw it; I mean exactly just now. The verse came from the Loneliness sermon I listened to, but look what I wrote on July 14, 2004: "Maybe I will be a blessing to someone from this divorce. God allowed it to happen for something good." I wrote it in 2004 and maybe I believe it more now in 2006? Hopefully I will continue to believe it.

To Christy - your awesome comment made me cry. I love you too!