My Story

It's funny how and when God decides to teach you something. I was watching a movie called Love's Enduring Promise. It's based on some great books by Janette Oak that I read as a kid.

Just remember that God has written His own story for you. And it's not the feelings of your heart that it should be based upon, but rather the thoughts of your heart that you need to hear. That inner voice that tells you that this man will care for you no matter what, that he'll still want to kiss you when you're old and gray, tend to you when you're sick, honor you. . . .

God has written my story. Do I really want to rush through and miss the details and know how the whole thing will turn out? I don't do that when I'm reading - it ruins everything! (Although, if I just have to know if someone is still alive at the end of the book, I'll look ahead for names. But that's it. I promise.)

God has written my story. He's the greatest Author of all time. I need to enjoy the plot - good and bad - happy and lonely. Because it's my story. He has written it for me. (And yes - He does write with the greatest pencil of all times - the Dixon Ticonderoga!)

Legacy Revealed

On The History Channel is a show called Star Wars: The Legacy Revealed. I highly recommend it - even to those of you who don't think you like SW. It'll give you insight on why this story is so well loved. They explain the archetypes that are prevalent in SW. They connect Star Wars to ancient mythology, history and humanity.

Amazing. Truly.

Chirping Crickets?

No one is reading anymore?

A - I went too long without writing.
B - ?

I can't think of another reason.

It's summer. Elyssa is at her dad's for the week. I'm struggling with something. Ready or not - here it comes.

:-)

Star Wars TV

I've got no one to share this with! So you, lucky reader - who more than likely doesn't like Star Wars at all - gets to hear it.

They have the trailer out for the new Star Wars Clone Wars TV show! It's exciting stuff! Check it out at starwars.com.

I need a Jedi Friend who wants to hear this crap. Grrr ~

Answer

Immediately after writing my previous post, I went to spend some time with God. I am trying to read through Psalms, so I opened my Bible to the next one. Psalm 27. The very last verse is the answer to my question of "What do you want me to do?"

Psalm 27:14
Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

I love how God answers. I really do. I love how He will immediately give answers if we are open enough to receive them. Of course, it's not exactly the answer I was hoping He'd reveal to me. Do you know what I mean? Absolutely He's telling me to wait and believe that He knows best. I've been waiting. So now I keep waiting.

I'm really tired of waiting. "Be strong and take heart. . . ." Lord - give me strength.

Yearning

It's time for some soul searching and I'm not sure I'm up to the task. I keep putting it off.

Pastor Matt asked a big question last week. He asked why don't we yearn for God? Why don't we look for Him, lean toward Him, want Him more than anything else in the world? This week, Matt answered the question. He gave two reasons - idolatry and pride. Idolatry - that thing you hang onto, the thing you chase, the thing you think you can't live without. For me - it's a husband. I yearn to be in a relationship. I didn't even have to think about that. I know it's my desire for a husband. My desire takes up too much of my time. It's constant for me - "oh, he's cute. I wonder if he's married. He won't like me. I'm nothing special" and on and on and on. Matt said that sometimes the way God pours out His wrath on our idolatrous hearts is to do nothing. He lets us have the thing we desire. He lets us continue to chase it. He even lets some of us have it. For some reason He has protected me from that - I'm not sure why. I'm not happy with His protection lots of times. I want what I want and I want it now! I suppose that would be the pride coming in.
Take this date that was supposedly forthcoming - nothing has happened. And honestly - I don't know if it even should. I don't think he's a Christian - I don't know that for sure because we haven't talked very much - maybe he is. I do know that I want a man who is on fire for God - but I'm also tired of waiting for some fun. I want a man who is overflowing with his love for our Savior - but I'm willing to put that on the back burner? I want a man who will pursue me until he's exhausted - but I'm not willing to wait for that? I want a man who will just take charge - but sometimes I wonder if it'll ever happen. Sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for the fairy tale that will never come true. If such a man does exist - I'm sure he's already with someone else. This world stinks. I told my home group last night that it just seems like everyone "out there" is having so much fun. And I'm not. I know that kind of fun is very temporal - at least I know that in my head.

So what to do now? How do I wait happily? How do I stop thinking I'm missing out on something?

God - what do You want from me? It's been so long! This June will be 4 years since I asked him to leave. How much longer do I have to wait? Can't You at least take the desire away? Why allow it if it will never happen for me? What do You want me to do?

Star Wars Day

Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.

I'll put more on later. What a great day!

What Do You Think About?

Tonight, Bleeker (the music pastor) said something that I've heard many times before, but most assuredly needed to hear tonight. He said, "What occupies your mind? Because what you think about is what you chase." I had to put my head down and pray because I'm letting something take up a lot of my thoughts. I asked for forgiveness and for His help in keeping my thoughts on Him. I've grown so much closer to Him in the last year and I don't want to step backwards.

See, here's the thing. I may have a date in the near future and it's with someone who already knows me and wants to take me out. On a date - him and me. On a date. That hasn't happened since my divorce. I haven't been on many dates, but they were all strangers that I had to meet. I've known this guy for years (never really well), but right now is the first time we're at the same place in life. I'm still not sure I believe it will happen, but it has definitely been on my mind. Too much.

Don't get me wrong - I still want to be excited. I still want to wonder. But I don't want to misplace my focus. I feel like this might be a test. What's Erin going to do now? Was my devotion to Him only in the bad times? Were my thoughts on Him only because I didn't have anyone else? My God ~ I don't want that to be true.

So God ~ I pray for strength to keep my focus where it belongs. On You. Lead me even more than usual in the upcoming weeks. Show Yourself to me so that I won't let some dude take Your place in my mind. I want to think about You first and foremost.

Psalm 63:1-3
O God, You are my God, earnestly I seek You; my soul thirsts for You, my body longs for You. . . . Because Your love is better than life. . . .

Color Change

I wonder if the black background was just my emotions coming through? I'm tired of the black. I'm not sure green matches with Darth Vader, but I love that picture too much to change it yet. For those of you who don't know - that picture reminds me of love.

Click here to read my previous thoughts.

Math Competition

I am the greatest math teacher of all time!

No - I'm kidding. BUT - my awesome 3rd graders did fantastic at the annual math competition. My problem solving team of 4 girls came in first place! (See - girls are good at math!) I had 4 in the individual test part and they took 5th, 4th, 2nd and 1st! They was competing against maybe 10 schools. And our scores were high enough that my 3rd graders took first place overall in the whole district! The 4th and 5th graders took first as well, which meant for the third year in a row - our school won first place in the whole district!

I used to think math competition was stupid. I mean - how on earth can you get excited about math? Sports is the only way to really get excited. But as I was sitting there, listening to them call off names - especially with the problem solving team - wow! Pounding heart! They start with 5th place and they kept not saying our school. I was so nervous. When they called out our school - I stood up and shrieked! It was a great feeling. So funny!

Yea us!

Exciting

Exciting things do happen. Imagine that.


And - I bought my hair extensions. Now that's the funniest thing I've ever seen. I put this long curly pony-tail on and had hair down to my rear. FUNNY! I've made the Leia buns - (rear-buns-funny) but I need to practice a bit before putting a picture up here. Maybe you'll see Princess Lerin this weekend.

Only 9 more days of getting up early! Yipee!

Do I look like I'm in love with Leia in this picture? We're awfully close, aren't we? Scary!

Sunday Night Rambling

Why is it that I can't write anymore? May is half over and I have only posted 2 things. A couple of people have asked me what my problem is - they get disappointed when they check every day and there's nothing new to see. I don't know. I jokingly wrote that maybe I can only write when I'm in agony over something. I'm not in agony over anything - and that's a good thing.

Maybe it's just end of the year stuff. There is so much going on - sometimes I think I'm losing my mind. A perfect example of this is one day last week I forgot to shut my garage door when we left for school. It's a partially converted garage - it has a sliding glass door. My dog stays in there - we put a doggy door from there to the outside. I wonder how long he stayed in the garage? My parents live down the street. When they left for work, who should come walking up but Hobbes. He hopped in their car and they drove him back home. What if he hadn't gone down there? I would have lost my dog!

We teachers are just done. These last few weeks of school is more like crowd control than teaching. You know those teachers who complain about not getting paid enough? You will rarely hear me complain about that. The time off we get is so much more important than the money! I can't wait until May 28th. I'll have about 11 weeks off! Heaven.

My daughter's glue bottle is sitting in front of me. Is the cow named Elmer? Cows are girls. But Elmer? Anyway - this cow has large . . . um . . . big . . . um - let's just say she's well endowed. Is that right? A cow with large female parts? It's not cow parts I'm talking about. A picture would be better. Let me see if it will scan. Is that weird or is it just me? If its a boy (it is named Elmer) maybe he's just a buff cow - bull. It's got horns, maybe it is a boy cow. A buff Bull. Or maybe he needs a manzier (anyone watch Seinfeld?)

I think it's time for bed. Maybe it's better if I don't write when I don't have much to say. I need something exciting to happen. Hmmmm. I have a few suggestions, but I'm trying to be patient. I'd be more specific, but . . . well . . . people do read this - you know.

Oh - I just remebered another picture I wanted to put on here. (See where all the exciting talk got me thinking?) I've said before that kissing is my favorite thing to do and it's been waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too long since. . . oh forget it. You know what I mean. (Will I ever get to kiss someone again? I'm just asking. Sigh.) ANYWAY - my daughter drew this. It's from a picture book she read Catalina Magdelena Hoopeinsteiner Wallendiner Hogan Bogan Logan Was Her Name. Isn't it hilarious?

Star Wars Day is coming! May 22nd. I'm going to be Princess Leia. I think partly because someone was supposed to be bringing a life size R2D2, but that didn't work out. The friend of a friend had to sell the R2 to someone who needed a spare. A spare R2D2 - something everyone needs around the house. I want just one! I bought a Queen Amidala costume - but it stinks! So my mom is going to make me a Princess Leia one. I'm going tomorrow to buy some fake hair things to add to my pigtails so I'll have the proper buns on the side of my head. Elyssa drew a picture of Leia for me today.

:-)

It was just so nice to say hello. I'd missed that. A lot.

Not Consumed

Yep - I'm still alive. Maybe I can only write when I'm in agony over something. :-)

All is great with me. God's taking the place of something that I struggle to get rid of and I'm lovin' it. My mind is not consumed with what it has been consumed with for a long time now. Like - I'll surprise myself and think, "Wow - that wasn't the first thought in my head today or that wasn't the last thought in my head before going to sleep." And by that, I do mean he. I know you already know, so why not just say it, right? I'm not even looking for his car every morning like I have been doing since December. (Why do girls do these things?) But lately, I'll get all the way to school and suddenly realize not one single red car caught my eye!

Kind of embarrassing if he's still reading, but what can I do? Are you still reading? Probably not, but maybe? You know what's in my heart anyway, right JP? In December, I totally dreaded May. I didn't see how I could make it. Wow. Here it is and I've survived. I still miss your friendship, but I've survived. :-)

It's nice, for at least right now, to be content with what's going on in my head.

I'm sure that'll change. (I'm so positive, right?) Giggle.

Prayer

My problem is pride. Either I don't feel I'm worth the friendships I desire, or I'm not good enough to be loved by others, or I think I can fix all my problems myself. The solution to my problem is prayer. I want to learn to pray better. In my previous post I said that I've been hit over the head with examples of asking God. Maybe the asking is not supposed to be my focus.

I think prayer was all I was supposed to see. (Yeah, God. Sometimes You have to knock against my head a few times. But I will learn!)

CS Lewis has an anthology of George MacDonald's work. I've quoted from it before. Here are some that made me cry tonight. I apologize for how many there are. Know there are more that touched my heart tonight that I didn't copy down.

Why Should it be Necessary?
What if He knows Prayer to be the thing we need first and most? What if the main object in God's idea of prayer be the supplying of our great, our endless need - the need of Himself?. . . Communion with God is the one need of the soul beyond all other need: prayer is the beginning of that communion and some need is the motive of that prayer. . . . to bring His child to his knee, God withholds that man may ask.

Small Prayers
In every request, heart and soul and mind ought to supply the low accompaniment, "Thy will be done"; but the making of any request brings us near to Him. . . . Anything large enough for a wish to light upon, is large enough to hang a prayer upon: the thought of Him to whom that prayer goes will purify and correct the desire.

Perfected Prayers
And there is communion with God that asks for nothing, yet asks for everything. . . . He who seeks the Father more than anything He can give is likely to have what he asks, for he is not likely to ask amiss.

Why We Must Wait
Perhaps, indeed, the better the gift we pray for, the more time is necessary for its arrival.

Answer
"But how can God bring this about in me?" - Let Him do it and perhaps you will know.

Prayer
Never wait for fitter time or place to talk to Him. To wait till thou go to church or to thy closet is to make Him wait. He will listen as thou walkest.

Creeping Christians
We are and remain such creeping Christians, because we look at ourselves and not at Christ . . . .

And the last is just God telling me yet again - He loves me.

Troubled Soul
Troubled Soul, thou are not bound to feel but thou art bound to arise. God loves thee whether thou feelest or not. . . . Try not to feel good when thou art not good, but cry to Him who is good. He changes not because thou changest. Nay, He has an especial tenderness of love toward thee for thou art in the dark and has no light, and His heart is glad when thou doest arise and say, "I will go to my Father.". . .

Ask

I'm being bombarded left and right with verses about asking God for what you desire. Every time I open the Bible, I find something else. Every sermon I listen to tells me to ask. The last few books I've picked up have said something about asking God - never stop. When I give up hope, He brings someone into the picture that I haven't seen in a long time to remind me that the kind of guy I want is really out there. (Remember Jake? I haven't seen him in months and he's there to help park today. We go eat breakfast. He's amazing. Unfortunately, he's 20 years old! Amazing college boy buys me breakfast this morning - looks me in the eye - truly wants to know about me - not in a romantic way, just as a man of God who cares about others. Why can't I have one of my own? )

Psalm 145:16
"You open Your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing."

Psalm 145:19
"He fulfills the desires of those who fear Him. He hears their cry and saves them."

Proverbs 13:4
"The sluggard crawls and gets nothing, but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied."

Proverbs 19:22a
"What a man desires is unfailing love. . . ."

Luke 11:5-13
Jesus tells us to boldly ask for what we want.

Luke 18:1-8
Jesus tells a parable of a widow annoying a unjust judge until he gives her what she asks for. God, who is just, will most certainly give to those who love Him.

So here's my question - what am I doing wrong? I don't really want an answer because I think I know. Or maybe I don't know, but I do know that I don't want to hear your reason because I don't think I'll like it. Although, I highly doubt you'll be able to resist.

I know He prunes those He loves so that we will grow more fully. I know He disciplines His children to make us more like Him. I know that in my times of struggle, I am able to lean on Him more than in other times. I know when I'm lonely - He is always there. I think He is very much wooing me to give myself fully to Him. But all I want is for Him to take away what doesn't need to be there and He won't. So does it need to be there? Is it right? Because I immediately go to the thoughts of what's wrong with me? There has to be something.

I ask over and over for my desires. I ask over and over for my desire to be changed. Nothing happens. Why?

I'm sure this post needs more editing. I'm sure it sounds whiny and pathetic. But as I am in a whiny and pathetic mood, I guess it's OK. If nothing else, it is very honest. That's got to count for something.

Where Are You?

I don't want to be lonely anymore.

Three Things

1. I want a live in maid. One who will cook, clean, do dishes and laundry. Or little elves who will magically do it every day. Or fairies. Heck - I'll take ghosts at this point! They can haunt my attic and rattle chains all night long. Just clean up during the day!

2. I want to throw everything we own out and live in a 1 room shack. A deep spring cleaning is in my future - anybody want to help? Plus the fact that I've got to trim trees and fix my flower beds and clean out the garage! We own too much stuff. I don't want to be a stuff owner! God help me!

3. We have 14 boxes of cereal in our pantry! 14! How many people live here? 2! What the heck?

How am I supposed to find time for important things? I can't do it all.

More Zapping

I need to give credit to my friend Rachel who first made the zap comment to me yesterday. Thank you Rachel!

Now I have to lead you to my friend Carlotta's blog. Click here for more zapping.

Zapped

He does zap in His own way. One of my home group leaders sent this verse to us just now:

Micah 7
(1a) I'm overwhelmed with sorrow! sunk in a swamp of despair! (msg)
(7-9) But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me. Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light. Because I have sinned against Him, I will bear the Lord's wrath until He pleads my case and establishes my right. He will bring me out into the light; I will see His righteousness. (niv)