Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Sunday, October 18, 2009
The Cross. The Swastika.
Oh yeah, I have a blog. Wow. It's been months. Anyone still reading?
So a girl I know wrote this as her status update on facebook:
Anyway - this is what I wanted to write:
I wondered how can these two things be compared to each other. At first I thought it was just plain craziness. The swastika is a symbol of total tyranny and hate. It is a symbol of death. That's when I stopped. I guess there are some similarities. The cross is a symbol of death too. But a very different kind of death. The swastika symbolizes one man's vision of perfection. The cross symbolizes perfection in Christ. The swastika is a symbol of killing others who are different than you. The cross is a symbol of one Man (different than us because He was sinless) dying for you. Of course, Christians did (and I'm sure still do) kill for their belief. But that's not what Christ wanted. Imperfect people - sinners - kill in the name of Christ. But Christ did not want that. Christ came in love and peace. He died so that we don't have to. I guess the cross and the swastika have some similarities, but they aren't the same thing at all.
So a girl I know wrote this as her status update on facebook:
"I look forward to the day when the cross sits discarded beside the swastika as just another reminder of the dangers of blind faith." -Craig Smiths.
It bothered me quite a bit, but I didn't know how, or if, I should respond. I kind of feel like I should have responded, but she's way smarter than me and I don't think I could defend myself logically - which is what seems to be most important to this lady. I do like this girl a lot. We aren't hang out buddies or anything, but she's got a lot of great qualities. I just wish she wasn't so lost.Anyway - this is what I wanted to write:
I wondered how can these two things be compared to each other. At first I thought it was just plain craziness. The swastika is a symbol of total tyranny and hate. It is a symbol of death. That's when I stopped. I guess there are some similarities. The cross is a symbol of death too. But a very different kind of death. The swastika symbolizes one man's vision of perfection. The cross symbolizes perfection in Christ. The swastika is a symbol of killing others who are different than you. The cross is a symbol of one Man (different than us because He was sinless) dying for you. Of course, Christians did (and I'm sure still do) kill for their belief. But that's not what Christ wanted. Imperfect people - sinners - kill in the name of Christ. But Christ did not want that. Christ came in love and peace. He died so that we don't have to. I guess the cross and the swastika have some similarities, but they aren't the same thing at all.
Friday, July 03, 2009
Restless
I want to write, but just can't. I even tried to write an "I have this friend" so that I could write more freely, but it's not working. I've been feeling restless the past few days. I think part of it is that I can't write it all out. I'll stick to some safe topics for now.
Family camp is in just 2 more weeks. Elyssa and I can't wait! I'm hoping to develop some deeper relationships with people from my church.
Speaking of Elyssa, she's hardly been at her dad's this summer. He is always working, so even when she is there, she never gets to see him. Elyssa told me they even had people over on Father's Day. They had a Father's Day party! So you know she played with the kids that were there and didn't spend any time with her dad. I wish I could make him understand that he is wasting so much time right now. I appreciate the fact that times are tough and that they may need the extra money. But I wish he could understand that all those material things he's working so hard to pay for won't help him in his relationship with his daughter. It really makes me sad.
This is another reason I'm looking forward to family camp. If we could meet some godly families and if the men could love on Elyssa so she knows what that looks like. . . I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it. I can't wait to see her playing with the dads at family camp. It makes me sad - she should have grown up in an environment where I get to see her playing with a dad every day! But that's just a consequence of some of the choices I made in life. Thankfully God can still make good out of it.
I wouldn't mind some of that attention myself. Not the kind of attention you may first think of - these are all married guys. There are not very many singles going to family camp. And I love that. I need to learn how to be around men and learning with godly men seems to be the best way. Godly men are a different breed - very foreign to me. I don't know how to build regular friendly relationships with men.
In the past I've been very single-minded: is he cute? is he married? does he like me? All this is going on in my head from a distance, because you know I'll never go talk to someone! And if anyone would look at me - augh! I look away so fast. I've even set goals in the car: I will smile at 4 men between home and wherever I'm going. Isn't that dorky? We're driving along in our own little bubbles of social safety and I still feel uncomfortable! It's the car! I don't know these people! I can speed up and drive away from them! The smiling I can do OK, but I don't hold eye contact. So this week at family camp will be a learning experience for me. At least I hope it will. I will know 2 people there - hopefully I will branch out a little. I've already been jokingly told that my 2 friends are going to shun me in order to force me to meet other people - hopefully they are totally kidding.
Look at that - I was able to get out exactly what I wanted to get out and it's not awkward or too embarrassing at all. Big sigh of relief. I feel very stifiled if I can't write what I want to write. Hopefully the restless feelings will go away now.
Family camp is in just 2 more weeks. Elyssa and I can't wait! I'm hoping to develop some deeper relationships with people from my church.
Speaking of Elyssa, she's hardly been at her dad's this summer. He is always working, so even when she is there, she never gets to see him. Elyssa told me they even had people over on Father's Day. They had a Father's Day party! So you know she played with the kids that were there and didn't spend any time with her dad. I wish I could make him understand that he is wasting so much time right now. I appreciate the fact that times are tough and that they may need the extra money. But I wish he could understand that all those material things he's working so hard to pay for won't help him in his relationship with his daughter. It really makes me sad.
This is another reason I'm looking forward to family camp. If we could meet some godly families and if the men could love on Elyssa so she knows what that looks like. . . I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it. I can't wait to see her playing with the dads at family camp. It makes me sad - she should have grown up in an environment where I get to see her playing with a dad every day! But that's just a consequence of some of the choices I made in life. Thankfully God can still make good out of it.
I wouldn't mind some of that attention myself. Not the kind of attention you may first think of - these are all married guys. There are not very many singles going to family camp. And I love that. I need to learn how to be around men and learning with godly men seems to be the best way. Godly men are a different breed - very foreign to me. I don't know how to build regular friendly relationships with men.
In the past I've been very single-minded: is he cute? is he married? does he like me? All this is going on in my head from a distance, because you know I'll never go talk to someone! And if anyone would look at me - augh! I look away so fast. I've even set goals in the car: I will smile at 4 men between home and wherever I'm going. Isn't that dorky? We're driving along in our own little bubbles of social safety and I still feel uncomfortable! It's the car! I don't know these people! I can speed up and drive away from them! The smiling I can do OK, but I don't hold eye contact. So this week at family camp will be a learning experience for me. At least I hope it will. I will know 2 people there - hopefully I will branch out a little. I've already been jokingly told that my 2 friends are going to shun me in order to force me to meet other people - hopefully they are totally kidding.
Look at that - I was able to get out exactly what I wanted to get out and it's not awkward or too embarrassing at all. Big sigh of relief. I feel very stifiled if I can't write what I want to write. Hopefully the restless feelings will go away now.
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
Late Thoughts
I found a verse in Proverbs that stings a little. Someone recently reminded me that often, when something stings, it just might be Truth.
And I've got other things to say, but am finding it hard to write about certain things right now. I'm not good at being vague. And I'm hesitant to be totally open because . . . well, it's scary. How's that? I'm treading new waters and learning new skills and it's weird. It's a good weird, but still weird. Ha.
Proverbs 18:1Not sure I want to comment on that verse at this point, but wanted to be honest that I found it.
Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment.
And I've got other things to say, but am finding it hard to write about certain things right now. I'm not good at being vague. And I'm hesitant to be totally open because . . . well, it's scary. How's that? I'm treading new waters and learning new skills and it's weird. It's a good weird, but still weird. Ha.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Avoidance
I'm here at church, up in the booth, listening to people chatting after church. I wish I belonged like that. I wish I had people to talk to. But I hide up here all alone. It's pathetic.
I avoid people. I know I do it, but can't seem to break the cycle. It's depressing. It's so ingrained - I don't know how to change.
When I was parking my car, I found a spot away from people. I actually had the thought, "if I park here I won't have to talk to the parking people." And all that would have required was a smile and hello. Difficult, right? I will wait until the lobby clears before going to the restroom because I'm afraid everyone out there will look at me and who knows what they are thinking.
I did it last night at my soccer game too. I'd come off the field and go way down to the end away from people. I'm not sure what exactly is my reasoning. I guess deep down, I don't think people would care about me. So then I probably come across snobby.
I can stand in front of 500 children and not feel threatened at all. But peers? Forget it.
I'm jealous of the ease others seem to have. It sucks. And what will I do after working this service? Go home and watch a movie by myself.
I wish I believed the promises of God a little better.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Control/Trust
I had dinner with 2 friends tonight. It refreshes my soul to be around godly women, especially after hearing so much from the world about how life is supposed to work itself out. What a difference! Matt made the comment last Sunday about how God's economy is flipped upside down to the world's economy. Everything God is opposite of everything in the world. Sometimes I think I can have it both ways. I somehow keep trying to make God's way fit with the world's way. It's not working out for me very well. It's helpful to put it all back in perspective again.
I mentioned not wanting to mess up whatever path God has me on now. I want to do things God's way and not my way. Luci mentioned a verse about "thwarting" so when I got home I looked it up. I found Job 42:2 "I know that You can do all things and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted." What a great promise! God is in control. Nothing I do can mess up anything that God has planned. On the flip side, nothing I do can make things happen if they aren't God's plan. I found Isaiah 14:27 too. "For the Lord of hosts has purposed, and who will annul it? His hand is stretched out, and who will turn it back?" If I will simply trust Him.
Psalm 27:14 Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!
I obsess at times about taking Bible verses out of context. That's a good thing, in a way, but a bad thing too because sometimes I don't belive God's promises are really written for me. They were written for whoever long ago, but not to me. I found Habakkuk 2:3-4.
Then I was thinking - what if I'm making all that up and that's not what Habakkuk meant at all? So I looked in the notes and was pleasently surprised. "While the phrase, 'his soul is puffed up' refers primarily to Babylon in this context, it could include anyone who is proud. It will take faith to wait patiently for God's plan to unfold, but the rigtheous believe that God will accomplish it."
Then I wondered if God's plan only refers to Christ and how He justifies and sanctifies us - you know The Big Picture. Can the plan/vision be something on a smaller scale such as what job to take or when to start a family or any other desire of your heart? See, sometimes, (oh who am I kidding?) often times, I want to make God the God of the big things in life. Surely He can't be concerned with the little things. That's me sticking God up on the top of the mountain. He's got whole galaxies to keep spinning. I forget to make Him the God of all things, big and small. So maybe the plan/vision that Habakkuk is referring to could be some of the smaller scale items.
I think I'm rambling and not sure if any of it is making sense. I'm just saying that I want to be one of the righteous who will wait patiently for God's plan to unfold - whatever that plan is, if it's God's plan, then it is just right for me.
I mentioned not wanting to mess up whatever path God has me on now. I want to do things God's way and not my way. Luci mentioned a verse about "thwarting" so when I got home I looked it up. I found Job 42:2 "I know that You can do all things and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted." What a great promise! God is in control. Nothing I do can mess up anything that God has planned. On the flip side, nothing I do can make things happen if they aren't God's plan. I found Isaiah 14:27 too. "For the Lord of hosts has purposed, and who will annul it? His hand is stretched out, and who will turn it back?" If I will simply trust Him.
Psalm 27:14 Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!
I obsess at times about taking Bible verses out of context. That's a good thing, in a way, but a bad thing too because sometimes I don't belive God's promises are really written for me. They were written for whoever long ago, but not to me. I found Habakkuk 2:3-4.
For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end - it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay. Behold his soul is puffed up; it is not upright within him, but the righteous shall live by his faith.So I was thinking, whatever the vision is, it is going to happen at the time God wants it to happen. It may seem slow, but it's God's plan - He knows the best time for things to happen. And the guy's soul that is puffed up - he's a guy who thinks he knows what's best - full of pride - it's not going to work out for him. But the righteous one, the one who is trusting in God, the vision is going to work out for him somehow, when God is ready for it to work out. He's living by faith and is going to accept God's plan for his life.
Then I was thinking - what if I'm making all that up and that's not what Habakkuk meant at all? So I looked in the notes and was pleasently surprised. "While the phrase, 'his soul is puffed up' refers primarily to Babylon in this context, it could include anyone who is proud. It will take faith to wait patiently for God's plan to unfold, but the rigtheous believe that God will accomplish it."
Then I wondered if God's plan only refers to Christ and how He justifies and sanctifies us - you know The Big Picture. Can the plan/vision be something on a smaller scale such as what job to take or when to start a family or any other desire of your heart? See, sometimes, (oh who am I kidding?) often times, I want to make God the God of the big things in life. Surely He can't be concerned with the little things. That's me sticking God up on the top of the mountain. He's got whole galaxies to keep spinning. I forget to make Him the God of all things, big and small. So maybe the plan/vision that Habakkuk is referring to could be some of the smaller scale items.
I think I'm rambling and not sure if any of it is making sense. I'm just saying that I want to be one of the righteous who will wait patiently for God's plan to unfold - whatever that plan is, if it's God's plan, then it is just right for me.
Sunday, June 07, 2009
Jeremiah 29
11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. 13 You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.
I just needed this. It goes with my last post. It's verse 13 that's the kicker. Most people know verse 11, but it's 13 that makes me stop and think.
I just needed this. It goes with my last post. It's verse 13 that's the kicker. Most people know verse 11, but it's 13 that makes me stop and think.
Set on the Spirit
I just got back from church. Matt spoke such truth today - it really stirred my thinking. I can't even summarize what he said. It was one of those sermons that where it was difficult to take notes because there was too much being said - I couldn't miss any of it. I need to listen to it again or talk about it with someone who heard it too. He attacked Bible-belt religion which always shakes me to the core since that is what I grew up hearing. A lot of the truths that I thought were truths are in actuality only partially true. And partially true may be worse than flat-out lies.
Matt was teaching from Luke 18 - the story of the rich young ruler. After Jesus spoke to the young ruler, the people were like - well, how the heck can we be saved then? I love the simplicity and greatness of Jesus' answer, "What is impossible with men is possible with God." Thank God He can do the impossible.
Then Matt moved to keeping our mind set on the Spirit. He took us to Romans 8.
Ugh. It's confusing in my head and it's not any better typed out. I'm not even sure why I'm writing.
Thank God He can do the impossible.
Matt was teaching from Luke 18 - the story of the rich young ruler. After Jesus spoke to the young ruler, the people were like - well, how the heck can we be saved then? I love the simplicity and greatness of Jesus' answer, "What is impossible with men is possible with God." Thank God He can do the impossible.
Then Matt moved to keeping our mind set on the Spirit. He took us to Romans 8.
5For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. 6For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. 7For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot. 8Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.Is my mind set on the Spirit? Can my mind be set on the Spirit and also be interested in very earthly things? How does a girl set her mind on the Spirit but at the same time have other thoughts going on up there? Can the two things go on at the same time? Can I still want the other thing while at the same time strive to let Jesus be the center? Can I let Him be in charge of every facet of my life, but at the same time plead with Him about the things I want? I talk to God often during the day, opening up my hands around my desire while I'm also asking Him for that same exact desire.
Ugh. It's confusing in my head and it's not any better typed out. I'm not even sure why I'm writing.
Thank God He can do the impossible.
Thursday, June 04, 2009
Not Right Now
I've thought a lot today about the fact that what I want and what God seems to want aren't exactly the same thing. I wish I could say that I'm totally comfortable with that and concede to God's greatness. But I'm still arguing with Him. And it's not that I feel like God doesn't want this thing for me ever - He just seems to be saying a lot of "not right now." Maybe if He'd just tell me flat out, then it wouldn't be so hard. You know, rip the band-aid off and let it sting for a second. Not right now is hard. It's got enough of a yes to give a person hope, but enough of a no to make a person want to scheme and plan. It's been not right now for years! And as I write that, I think of Sarah and Abraham. They had a not right now for way more years than me. They schemed and planned and really screwed up. So scheming and planning is a big no.
As I spoke of this with a good friend, she said maybe I needed to repent for not trusting God very much. Ouch! It's true, though. Another friend told me, "this could be just another example, set in front of you by God, to show you what is out there." My question is, how many examples do I have to see? Quite a few, it seems.
I was reading a blog by our music pastors called Sound Doctrine. In it, Michael says, "The Creator, in their hearts, is moved from the center and becomes merely peripheral. Only when there is great desperation will there be a call for help. As long as they remain in the center of their own world though, they will fail to acknowledge their depravity and His marvelous mercy and grace in sending His Son as a propitiatory sacrifice." Creator moved from the center? I'd have to say yes just a little bit. Remember when I wrote about having Jesus in my living room, watching CSI? I'm doing it again.
Anyway, I don't have any answers for myself. I don't have any big "ah-ha!" to write about. I do know that I don't want cheap and meaningless, so I guess that's why there isn't any. No matter how much the world says cheap and meaningless is fun, I'm just not interested. But I'm kind of tired of hearing from the world, you know? I know how to help quiet the world - so I'm off to search for Him and hear what He has to say to me.
(It's funny - this is an attempt to write about something without really saying much. I don't think it worked.)
As I spoke of this with a good friend, she said maybe I needed to repent for not trusting God very much. Ouch! It's true, though. Another friend told me, "this could be just another example, set in front of you by God, to show you what is out there." My question is, how many examples do I have to see? Quite a few, it seems.
I was reading a blog by our music pastors called Sound Doctrine. In it, Michael says, "The Creator, in their hearts, is moved from the center and becomes merely peripheral. Only when there is great desperation will there be a call for help. As long as they remain in the center of their own world though, they will fail to acknowledge their depravity and His marvelous mercy and grace in sending His Son as a propitiatory sacrifice." Creator moved from the center? I'd have to say yes just a little bit. Remember when I wrote about having Jesus in my living room, watching CSI? I'm doing it again.
Anyway, I don't have any answers for myself. I don't have any big "ah-ha!" to write about. I do know that I don't want cheap and meaningless, so I guess that's why there isn't any. No matter how much the world says cheap and meaningless is fun, I'm just not interested. But I'm kind of tired of hearing from the world, you know? I know how to help quiet the world - so I'm off to search for Him and hear what He has to say to me.
(It's funny - this is an attempt to write about something without really saying much. I don't think it worked.)
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Define Yourself
So, when someone asks you to tell them a little bit about yourself, what do you say?
Pastor Matt's sermon tonight was about Luke 18:15-17 where the disciples were rebuking people for bringing small children to Him. He told them that whoever doesn't receive the Kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it. Then Matt went on to explain how we do that. He started with the opposite of his topic by explaining what kind of people we are when we are apart from Christ. We're slaves to sin (Rom6:20), blind to the glory of the gospel (2 Cor 4:4), walking in darkness (Ps 82:5), dead in our transgressions (Eph 2:1) and can do nothing to fix it (John 15:5). He gave the example of a newborn and how they cry out for all their needs. That's what we're supposed to do.
Then Matt goes on to say how children are defined by their parents. That means that children are protected, provided for and saved by their parents. As Christians we are defined by Christ. We take lots of other stuff and try to define ourselves by it. I started listing some of the examples Matt gave:
I didn't have really any problem with any of those because truly, they don't define me. I don't care so much about money or things. (I mean, of course I like having them, but they've never been that important to me. Money and things do not give me happiness. Did you ever do that 5 love languages thing? Bottom of my list is gifts. I think this comes a little bit from my parents because they would give me so much like they were rewarding me since my brother was so screwed up. I don't feel loved just because you give me something. Anyway - I'm getting off topic. I do that a lot - have you noticed?)
I'm sure this has happened to you. You're sitting through a service, really enjoying it. The things being said make a lot of sense to you, but nothing is making a deep impact. Then POW, a sentence hits you between the eyes. Matt's next example was:
What a second. That one was a little harder to write down. It made me pause for a second. I think I do have some issues with that one . I then wrote below it:
When I'm asked to describe myself, I say that I'm a single mom who has been divorced for a little over 5 years. Is that what defines me? The fact that I'm divorced and single? No!
God help me to turn that definition around. Christ defines me. That's it. He alone.
Pastor Matt's sermon tonight was about Luke 18:15-17 where the disciples were rebuking people for bringing small children to Him. He told them that whoever doesn't receive the Kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it. Then Matt went on to explain how we do that. He started with the opposite of his topic by explaining what kind of people we are when we are apart from Christ. We're slaves to sin (Rom6:20), blind to the glory of the gospel (2 Cor 4:4), walking in darkness (Ps 82:5), dead in our transgressions (Eph 2:1) and can do nothing to fix it (John 15:5). He gave the example of a newborn and how they cry out for all their needs. That's what we're supposed to do.
Then Matt goes on to say how children are defined by their parents. That means that children are protected, provided for and saved by their parents. As Christians we are defined by Christ. We take lots of other stuff and try to define ourselves by it. I started listing some of the examples Matt gave:
My career does not define me.
My things do not define me.
Money does not define me.
My things do not define me.
Money does not define me.
I didn't have really any problem with any of those because truly, they don't define me. I don't care so much about money or things. (I mean, of course I like having them, but they've never been that important to me. Money and things do not give me happiness. Did you ever do that 5 love languages thing? Bottom of my list is gifts. I think this comes a little bit from my parents because they would give me so much like they were rewarding me since my brother was so screwed up. I don't feel loved just because you give me something. Anyway - I'm getting off topic. I do that a lot - have you noticed?)
I'm sure this has happened to you. You're sitting through a service, really enjoying it. The things being said make a lot of sense to you, but nothing is making a deep impact. Then POW, a sentence hits you between the eyes. Matt's next example was:
My relationships don't define me.
What a second. That one was a little harder to write down. It made me pause for a second. I think I do have some issues with that one . I then wrote below it:
My singleness doesn't define me.
My divorce doesn't define me.
My divorce doesn't define me.
When I'm asked to describe myself, I say that I'm a single mom who has been divorced for a little over 5 years. Is that what defines me? The fact that I'm divorced and single? No!
God help me to turn that definition around. Christ defines me. That's it. He alone.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Tron at Subway
I did something tonight that I have never done before. I bought a homeless guy dinner.
I worked really late at school to get a lot of end of year junk finished. I decided to stop at Subway on the way home. There's this homeless guy who pushes his grocery cart around the shopping center near my house. I've seen him often - Elyssa and I have discussed him before. His cart was in front of Subway and he was sitting farther away. As I about to get out of my car, I just had the feeling that I should buy him dinner. After the thought crept in (while I was checking email on my phone by the way) I kind of shrugged and figured that was a weird out of the blue thought.
But the feeling got stronger as I walked inside. If you've ever had that nudge from God before, then you know what I mean. Anyway, I argued a bit: "Um, God? It's dark outside. I've never done that before. What would I say to him? I have no idea what kind of sandwich he'd want. What if he doesn't like Subway?" So I made God a deal - isn't that funny? I said I'll buy the sandwich, and if the guy is still out there then I'll give it to him. If he's not, then no harm, I'd take the extra sandwich home.
I decided on a foot long turkey with everything, chips and a bottle of water. I pretty much got the same thing except mine was a six inch with only lettuce, mayo and cucumbers. Just in case you were interested.
I walked out of Subway and his cart was no longer there. I was like, "Whew!" But he'd just moved it a bit. So I unlocked my car and put my food inside and walked over to him. I told him I just thought he might be hungry so I wanted to give him this. He said, "Wow. Are you serious?" and then proceeded to ask me if I'd help him share the message of God because He's coming down soon and going to destroy the world and I need to read Revelation 21 and he asked me to be a warrior/bodyguard for him because he was in some program where God was going to give him 10 million dollars if he could get enough bodyguards. I told him I just wasn't interested in any of that. I told him that I felt like Jesus wanted me to give him dinner and that was all I was asked to do. He asked me my name and told me his name was Tron. We shook hands, I told him to enjoy and then I went back to my car.
It was very interesting. And I feel like I was obedient. Cool, huh? Elyssa and I talked last summer about going to help at a homeless shelter. I think we will make more of an effort to do that this summer. She keeps telling me she wants to go on a mission trip. We can start here in Dallas.
And maybe we'll buy Tron dinner again.
I worked really late at school to get a lot of end of year junk finished. I decided to stop at Subway on the way home. There's this homeless guy who pushes his grocery cart around the shopping center near my house. I've seen him often - Elyssa and I have discussed him before. His cart was in front of Subway and he was sitting farther away. As I about to get out of my car, I just had the feeling that I should buy him dinner. After the thought crept in (while I was checking email on my phone by the way) I kind of shrugged and figured that was a weird out of the blue thought.
But the feeling got stronger as I walked inside. If you've ever had that nudge from God before, then you know what I mean. Anyway, I argued a bit: "Um, God? It's dark outside. I've never done that before. What would I say to him? I have no idea what kind of sandwich he'd want. What if he doesn't like Subway?" So I made God a deal - isn't that funny? I said I'll buy the sandwich, and if the guy is still out there then I'll give it to him. If he's not, then no harm, I'd take the extra sandwich home.
I decided on a foot long turkey with everything, chips and a bottle of water. I pretty much got the same thing except mine was a six inch with only lettuce, mayo and cucumbers. Just in case you were interested.
I walked out of Subway and his cart was no longer there. I was like, "Whew!" But he'd just moved it a bit. So I unlocked my car and put my food inside and walked over to him. I told him I just thought he might be hungry so I wanted to give him this. He said, "Wow. Are you serious?" and then proceeded to ask me if I'd help him share the message of God because He's coming down soon and going to destroy the world and I need to read Revelation 21 and he asked me to be a warrior/bodyguard for him because he was in some program where God was going to give him 10 million dollars if he could get enough bodyguards. I told him I just wasn't interested in any of that. I told him that I felt like Jesus wanted me to give him dinner and that was all I was asked to do. He asked me my name and told me his name was Tron. We shook hands, I told him to enjoy and then I went back to my car.
It was very interesting. And I feel like I was obedient. Cool, huh? Elyssa and I talked last summer about going to help at a homeless shelter. I think we will make more of an effort to do that this summer. She keeps telling me she wants to go on a mission trip. We can start here in Dallas.
And maybe we'll buy Tron dinner again.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Home Group
My home group meeting tonight gave me such hope that real true community is out there. After my old home group fell apart, I was feeling rather lost. I didn't know if I'd find another one. Ha. I just assumed that I couldn't find another one. I've only met with these ladies for a few weeks. We are all different ages and I think that's wonderful! There was laughter tonight, there was a huge confession of sin, there were tears and there was love. It was amazing. The bravery of one girl to confess a sin to a room full of people - it blew me away. I got tears because it was community. It was what Pastor Matt talks about all the time. It was amazing and I'm so thankful for being able to share it.
On a side note, I'm praying right now that God guards my heart but at the same time that He opens it. Is that weird? I want peace and contentment, but I don't want to shut down as I am known to do. I have some protective walls that I have built around my heart and they are prepped and ready to slam. This is one of those times where I don't know how to say what I want to say! I don't want anyone to read between the lines and assume they know what I'm saying, because it's not what you may be thinking. Light bulb just went off! Maybe that's why I'm so blunt in my writing. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea about what I'm saying. If I'm blunt then I can say exactly what I mean and there can be no wrong ideas. Hmmm. Interesting.
Being married has always been my desire. When I was a little girl, I planned on being a teacher, a wife and a mommy. So marriage has become an idol to me that I've worked with God on letting go. But somehow along the way I forgot how to be friends with guys. I've assumed that no one is sincere, that everyone plays some kind of games and there is very little realness out there. And I've never had the experience of having godly men as friends. And I'd assume that godly men are sincere, don't play games and are very real. I want godly men in my life. I've written about that before. But I don't know if I know how to do that. And when I don't know how to do something, I get fearful. (I'm sure that goes along with my "I'm not good enough" crap. If I can't be perfect then I'm afraid.)
How can God take one thing and use it in so many ways to teach so many lessons! (Very rhetorical question.)
So my fear is that somehow I'll screw it all up. That's why I'm praying for a guarded open heart. Guarded that I don't go down a path that is not really there. Open that I'll go down the path that is before me. Does that make sense?
On a side note, I'm praying right now that God guards my heart but at the same time that He opens it. Is that weird? I want peace and contentment, but I don't want to shut down as I am known to do. I have some protective walls that I have built around my heart and they are prepped and ready to slam. This is one of those times where I don't know how to say what I want to say! I don't want anyone to read between the lines and assume they know what I'm saying, because it's not what you may be thinking. Light bulb just went off! Maybe that's why I'm so blunt in my writing. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea about what I'm saying. If I'm blunt then I can say exactly what I mean and there can be no wrong ideas. Hmmm. Interesting.
Being married has always been my desire. When I was a little girl, I planned on being a teacher, a wife and a mommy. So marriage has become an idol to me that I've worked with God on letting go. But somehow along the way I forgot how to be friends with guys. I've assumed that no one is sincere, that everyone plays some kind of games and there is very little realness out there. And I've never had the experience of having godly men as friends. And I'd assume that godly men are sincere, don't play games and are very real. I want godly men in my life. I've written about that before. But I don't know if I know how to do that. And when I don't know how to do something, I get fearful. (I'm sure that goes along with my "I'm not good enough" crap. If I can't be perfect then I'm afraid.)
How can God take one thing and use it in so many ways to teach so many lessons! (Very rhetorical question.)
So my fear is that somehow I'll screw it all up. That's why I'm praying for a guarded open heart. Guarded that I don't go down a path that is not really there. Open that I'll go down the path that is before me. Does that make sense?
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Connect the Dots - La, La, La-la
Did you watch Pee-Wee's Playhouse? He used to sing that - Connect the dots. La la la-la. (How on earth do I start a spiritual post with Pee Wee Herman?!)
God has connected some dots for me in the last day or two. I like it when He does that.
First I'm reading a book that a friend gave me. I refuse to give you the title because I hate even admitting that I'm reading a book like this. Before you think it's like a Harlequin romance or anything (do they even make those any more? do people really read them?), it's a Christan book for single ladies. I will NOT write the title because honestly, it's embarrassing. Debbie actually gave this book to me months ago, but I don't want to read books like this. (Hmmm - do you sense the same pride issue that I'm sensing?) Due to some recent circumstances, I decided to pick it up and just see what it was about. I'm going to copy part of it here (and if the copyright police are watching, I don't know what to tell you. I don't want to write the title!) The beginning of the book is about having intimacy with Jesus.
Now back to my point - can't you just see Jesus on the floor with you eating a snack and asking about your day? Does that stir anything in your heart? It sure does in mine. The thing is - Jesus doesn't want to be in just one part of our heart. He wants it all. And the scary thing is that it may hurt a little because He's going to clean house and tear down walls and let in lots of light so nothing bad can hide in there.
Which brings me to dot number two. I'm reading my Bible again! Isn't that amazing? (I know life works better when I read the Bible, but I continue to not make time! Ugh!) I was reading 1 Corinthians 3:16 which says, "Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you?"
Dot number three. 2 Corinthians 4:17-18 says, "For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."
Then tonight came dot number four. Galatians 5:17 "For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other to keep you from doing the things you want to do."
And dot number five. Galatians 6:8-9 "For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up."
So now you want me to connect all the dots for you, right? Or at least show you how they connected for me. I'm tired and have to sleep so I'll attempt to keep it brief. (We all know how well that works for me, right?)
Jesus is in my heart just cleaning house. I've gotten lazy with the status quo. I think I relegated Jesus to the living room, thinking He could watch CSI and hang out. But He's not there to watch CSI. He wants to be with me. He wants my attention. He wants intimacy with me! He's knocking down walls and pointing out things I'd rather just forget. I've tried to keep Him out of certain closets and bathrooms, but He's very adamant that He goes in there. But since I am His temple, I kind of want Him to do whatever He thinks is best. And sometimes what is best is for things to come out in the open, even if they are embarrassing. (I'm still not sure I agree with that. I wasn't trying to get anything out in the open. I honestly was quite happy with things being the opposite of out in the open.) But it's just a momentary affliction (although momentary can seem to last a long long time!) and it's preparing me (somehow!) for eternal glory. And maybe, just maybe, I should get my mind off the worldly things I can see and put my mind on the unseen things. Those unseen things are eternal! But it's a battle because the desires of my flesh are at war with the desires of the Spirit. But I need to not grow weary of doing good. Sometimes I want to stop being the good girl. I want to just have fun. But I can't grow weary of doing good because I can't give up. I want to reap eternal life from the Spirit, not corruption from the flesh.
There. It's what God is telling me right now. Imagine all the wonderful things I could learn if I'd make time for Him every day!
God has connected some dots for me in the last day or two. I like it when He does that.
First I'm reading a book that a friend gave me. I refuse to give you the title because I hate even admitting that I'm reading a book like this. Before you think it's like a Harlequin romance or anything (do they even make those any more? do people really read them?), it's a Christan book for single ladies. I will NOT write the title because honestly, it's embarrassing. Debbie actually gave this book to me months ago, but I don't want to read books like this. (Hmmm - do you sense the same pride issue that I'm sensing?) Due to some recent circumstances, I decided to pick it up and just see what it was about. I'm going to copy part of it here (and if the copyright police are watching, I don't know what to tell you. I don't want to write the title!) The beginning of the book is about having intimacy with Jesus.
When Jesus knocked on the door of your heart and you let Him in, did you assign Him a seat in your living room and leave Him there? He wants the two of you to be so close that He can freely roam around and make Himself at home in your private world. But He also respects your space; He is not going to move off that couch until you ask.There's more of course, but the teacher in me (cite your sources!) won't let me copy any more without . . . citing my source. And I refuse! (If anyone asks, I do not read books for single women. I just don't. So there!)
How's your conversation with Jesus? Is it an even exchange or is it boring, formal, impersonal, and one-sided? Jesus wants to sit on the floor, share popcorn, and discuss your day. He wants to talk about what you like and don't like, what makes you laugh, cry, or sigh.
Now back to my point - can't you just see Jesus on the floor with you eating a snack and asking about your day? Does that stir anything in your heart? It sure does in mine. The thing is - Jesus doesn't want to be in just one part of our heart. He wants it all. And the scary thing is that it may hurt a little because He's going to clean house and tear down walls and let in lots of light so nothing bad can hide in there.
Which brings me to dot number two. I'm reading my Bible again! Isn't that amazing? (I know life works better when I read the Bible, but I continue to not make time! Ugh!) I was reading 1 Corinthians 3:16 which says, "Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you?"
Dot number three. 2 Corinthians 4:17-18 says, "For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."
Then tonight came dot number four. Galatians 5:17 "For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other to keep you from doing the things you want to do."
And dot number five. Galatians 6:8-9 "For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up."
So now you want me to connect all the dots for you, right? Or at least show you how they connected for me. I'm tired and have to sleep so I'll attempt to keep it brief. (We all know how well that works for me, right?)
Jesus is in my heart just cleaning house. I've gotten lazy with the status quo. I think I relegated Jesus to the living room, thinking He could watch CSI and hang out. But He's not there to watch CSI. He wants to be with me. He wants my attention. He wants intimacy with me! He's knocking down walls and pointing out things I'd rather just forget. I've tried to keep Him out of certain closets and bathrooms, but He's very adamant that He goes in there. But since I am His temple, I kind of want Him to do whatever He thinks is best. And sometimes what is best is for things to come out in the open, even if they are embarrassing. (I'm still not sure I agree with that. I wasn't trying to get anything out in the open. I honestly was quite happy with things being the opposite of out in the open.) But it's just a momentary affliction (although momentary can seem to last a long long time!) and it's preparing me (somehow!) for eternal glory. And maybe, just maybe, I should get my mind off the worldly things I can see and put my mind on the unseen things. Those unseen things are eternal! But it's a battle because the desires of my flesh are at war with the desires of the Spirit. But I need to not grow weary of doing good. Sometimes I want to stop being the good girl. I want to just have fun. But I can't grow weary of doing good because I can't give up. I want to reap eternal life from the Spirit, not corruption from the flesh.
There. It's what God is telling me right now. Imagine all the wonderful things I could learn if I'd make time for Him every day!
Monday, May 25, 2009
What To Do?
So when I write, do I pretend I don't think anyone is reading? You know, be an ostrich? If I can't see anyone, then no one is really there. How do I balance spilling my guts like I usually do and not saying too much?
Maybe one suggestion is to have a private blog. I have a journal - funnily enough, this is not the place I really spill my guts. (Can you imagine reading that one!?)
Do I change how I write because people are reading? I've asked this before I think. I know there are some of you who write without really telling the details. I'm not sure how to do that. Should I learn how or just keep writing? Ugh. It's confusing.
The thing is - my deepest desire is to be fully known by others. So, I think that means I just keep writing. If I get embarrassed, then so be it. Right?
Maybe one suggestion is to have a private blog. I have a journal - funnily enough, this is not the place I really spill my guts. (Can you imagine reading that one!?)
Do I change how I write because people are reading? I've asked this before I think. I know there are some of you who write without really telling the details. I'm not sure how to do that. Should I learn how or just keep writing? Ugh. It's confusing.
The thing is - my deepest desire is to be fully known by others. So, I think that means I just keep writing. If I get embarrassed, then so be it. Right?
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Twitter - Facebook Phenomenon
I read other people's blogs and I wonder why I don't write anymore. Why don't I write anymore? I know it's a time issue - I don't make the time to do it. But it may be because I find myself struggling with the same issues over and over and I think you must be sick of hearing about it by now. I don't write when things are going fine. I have to have some angst within me or it just doesn't flow. So yeah, there's stuff going on right now - mostly my impatience and how men I am attracted to won't do what I want - but this post is nothing about that. :-)
Anyway - I had a thought. Maybe you've already had this thought. Maybe this is something that everyone already knows. But I've never heard anyone say it. So here goes - I've figured out exactly why updating our status has become such a huge deal.
We, as God intended and created us to be, want to KNOW and BE KNOWN. It's not easy to put yourself out there. It takes some bravery to let people know what you're thinking or wanting. It's hard to put dreams out there for the world to see because who knows how those will be received.
But on Facebook/Twitter, we can throw something out there and see how it lands. I know that I have put cryptic messages to people on my status, hoping and pleading that they (OK - he) will read between the lines. You know how excited you get when someone comments on your status, right? And if it starts a flurry of responses - that's just awesome! It makes you feel good. It makes you feel loved. Am I right? Or is that just me?
I love the TV show My Boys. The one from this week was all based on Facebook. It was hysterical. PJ (the girl who narrates) did end up saying that virtual friends are good, but real friends are better. I agree.
Do we think updating our status online will create true intimacy? I think it would be easy to fall into that trap. But hopefully we won't get stuck there. I want to continue to take risks out there in the scary real world. I want to open up to real people. I want to be brave and let others know what I'm thinking.
Anyway - I had a thought. Maybe you've already had this thought. Maybe this is something that everyone already knows. But I've never heard anyone say it. So here goes - I've figured out exactly why updating our status has become such a huge deal.
People want intimacy.
We, as God intended and created us to be, want to KNOW and BE KNOWN. It's not easy to put yourself out there. It takes some bravery to let people know what you're thinking or wanting. It's hard to put dreams out there for the world to see because who knows how those will be received.
But on Facebook/Twitter, we can throw something out there and see how it lands. I know that I have put cryptic messages to people on my status, hoping and pleading that they (OK - he) will read between the lines. You know how excited you get when someone comments on your status, right? And if it starts a flurry of responses - that's just awesome! It makes you feel good. It makes you feel loved. Am I right? Or is that just me?
I love the TV show My Boys. The one from this week was all based on Facebook. It was hysterical. PJ (the girl who narrates) did end up saying that virtual friends are good, but real friends are better. I agree.
Do we think updating our status online will create true intimacy? I think it would be easy to fall into that trap. But hopefully we won't get stuck there. I want to continue to take risks out there in the scary real world. I want to open up to real people. I want to be brave and let others know what I'm thinking.
On a side note, I just have to say that waiting on a guy to do something is insane. They just don't get it! (No offense to any male readers!) I want to go back to 5th grade and ask a friend to ask him if he likes me. Wasn't that much simpler? Ugh! I could write a note and fold it into the shape of an arrow or that other fun fold that I can't even begin to describe. (Remember those? It was rectangular and had a little flap that stuck down inside. Random. I wonder if kids still fold notes that way.) Anyway, waiting stinks. I immediately go to the bad place that says it's me, I'm unlikeable, blah blah blah. But I am likeable, so what the heck? I just want to ask a guy what he is thinking. Guys don't put cryptic messages on their Facebook for me to analyze, darn it! I just wish it could be simpler, you know?
I'm totally off topic now, so I better end this and go update my status on Facebook.
I'm totally off topic now, so I better end this and go update my status on Facebook.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Sunday, May 03, 2009
Gloom and Doom
Gloom and doom. Gloom and Doom. I've been crying off and on all evening. What is it with the Sunday night blues?
God help me. I written and erased two or three different paragraphs. I have nothing to say. Except -
gloom and doom. gloom and doom.
I don't like Sunday nights. I think they are even worse than Monday mornings.
God help me. I written and erased two or three different paragraphs. I have nothing to say. Except -
gloom and doom. gloom and doom.
I don't like Sunday nights. I think they are even worse than Monday mornings.
I Need Sunshine!
It's been too gloomy for too long. I need some sunshine. Could that be my problem? I've been very prone to crying the last few days. When will the sun come out again?
Saturday, April 25, 2009
God is Cool
Maybe God doesn't want be referred to as cool, I'm not sure. But - God is cool!
Short story - I'm not sure how to be cryptic and I maybe kind of need to be. . . don't know. I'm not good at just referring to "something" that's going on and talk around it. I kind of have to just say it. But what if my words mess up something? And as I write that, I realize how stupid that is. If something is going to happen or not going to happen, I think God probably is in control of the situation. I'm doing my best to let Him handle this one.
OK - fine. I'll say it. It makes the story better anyway. (I said this was short and I'm turning it into one of my novels.)
Nope - can't do it. I just wrote and erased a big paragraph because as I was writing, "I'm letting God handle this one and not doing any of my usual scheming and planning," I realized in a way I wasn't letting God be in charge. What if someone new was reading this and realized the writing sounded very familiar? You know? Not that anyone new is going to read, but you just never know.
OK - so I'm being cryptic. Ugh. I don't like being cryptic! OK - short version - I was thinking about something as I was getting into my car. The first song on my iPod was a song by Jeremy Camp. The first line of lyrics that I heard was, "I will trust in You." It just made me smile. God was just telling me to continue letting Him be in charge of it all.
It was cool.
But I don't like writing in circles. Just so you know. But I'm going to let God be in charge. :-)
Short story - I'm not sure how to be cryptic and I maybe kind of need to be. . . don't know. I'm not good at just referring to "something" that's going on and talk around it. I kind of have to just say it. But what if my words mess up something? And as I write that, I realize how stupid that is. If something is going to happen or not going to happen, I think God probably is in control of the situation. I'm doing my best to let Him handle this one.
OK - fine. I'll say it. It makes the story better anyway. (I said this was short and I'm turning it into one of my novels.)
Nope - can't do it. I just wrote and erased a big paragraph because as I was writing, "I'm letting God handle this one and not doing any of my usual scheming and planning," I realized in a way I wasn't letting God be in charge. What if someone new was reading this and realized the writing sounded very familiar? You know? Not that anyone new is going to read, but you just never know.
OK - so I'm being cryptic. Ugh. I don't like being cryptic! OK - short version - I was thinking about something as I was getting into my car. The first song on my iPod was a song by Jeremy Camp. The first line of lyrics that I heard was, "I will trust in You." It just made me smile. God was just telling me to continue letting Him be in charge of it all.
It was cool.
But I don't like writing in circles. Just so you know. But I'm going to let God be in charge. :-)
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