Flickering Is Good

It's not really that I'm scared to write. I think scared is the wrong word. Part of it is that I'm not making the time to do it. My counselor said I need to write. It's a gift God gave me and I'm not using it. So here's a few little nuggets from the life of Erin lately:

• I met with my nutritionist lady to evaluate my progress in the last month. How the scale works to give all this info is beyond my comprehension, but here's the breakdown - 5 pounds lost, but 5 pounds of muscle gained; 15 inches total lost; almost 3% body fat lost. Everyone I tell gets much more excited than me. I don't think I look that different. All I know is my pants fit better. :-) And I focus on the parts I don't like more than the parts that were already OK. Anyway - it's definitely progress.

• My counselor told me to focus on the fact that Christ is IN me. He's not just in the same room. He's not just beside me - He's closer than that. He is within my very soul. I know you've heard that since you were a kid - Jesus is in your heart. But have you ever really stopped to comprehend it? He's in there. IN. It's been a bit eye-opening. Then I listened to a sermon from Matt talking about the indisputable power of Christ. Demons never got a chance to argue with Him. He said, "Go." They went. Some of the demons even asked Him, "Are You here to kill us early?" They knew His power. A storm is raging and the disciples - fishermen who are used to the sea - are quaking in fear. It must have been a heck of a storm! Jesus says, "Stop." And the ocean goes calm immediately. So this power - it's in me! What do I have to fear? Of course, I'm not saying that I could make a storm go away. Heck - I can't even make a mosquito go away! But His power is IN me. And if you're a believer - He's in you too!

• My kids at school are fun to watch when they are just about to understand something new. You can see the light bulb flickering over their heads. The moment that the light bulb turns all the way on - that's what makes being a teacher worthwhile. It is the greatest thing to witness. You can see the light shooting out of their eyes; it makes me smile. I feel like that a lot of times -like my light bulb is flickering over my head. I almost understand/believe/trust the depth of Jesus' love for me. Every once in awhile, it burns so brightly that I get tears. But then it goes to flickering again. I used to worry about that - like, why wasn't I getting it already? But I'm learning that it's a process. I probably won't get it - my light bulb won't turn on - until I'm standing there with Him. I'm learning that's OK. Just flickering is just fine.

• I'm reading The Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee. One little mantra that I'm memorizing is : I am deeply loved, completely forgiven, fully pleasing, totally accepted by God and complete in Christ. I've spent so much of my life trying to meet some self-created standards so that others will love me. I've been stuck for so long thinking that I wasn't good enough for God to love me. Duh! Right? He loves me anyway. He loved me while I was still a sinner. I'll never be good enough - no one will ever be good enough. That's the awesome thing about God. He loves me anyway.
  

• I'm going to end with words that are not my own. I read my pastor's wife's blog today and LOVED her thoughts. I'd link you to it, but don't really know her personally and don't want to do a random link to someone else's blog without permission. She was writing about having a hope and that hope not being met. She said it so well, I'm just going to paste it here. (Lauren - if you're reading - hope that's OK!)

  Hope Deferred by Lauren
  

  "Hope deferred makes the heart sick but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12
  
  There is a hope I'm holding onto right now that is currently deferred. In a sense, I am left in the waiting room with legs crossed, bouncing the top one to the rhythm of the sadly mediocre music. I'm flipping through the magazines gazing at the pictures and articles but not really taking them in. My mind is elsewhere. My mind is on the "what if" rather than the what is.
  
  In the midst of the waiting and the hoping, the verse above ran through my mind like the unending pleas of my 2-year-old for "cake, Mommy, cake!" It was as if the Lord was saying "Lauren, pay attention. Turn yourself towards me. Hear what I have to say. Hear what MY desire is for you."
  
  So I turned and this is what I heard.
  
  "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life."
  
  Okay. I get it. My heart feels sick because my hope is deferred. And when I get what I want, I'll be happy. Makes sense. No grand revelation here.
  
  But...(a very beautiful "but" I might add)...is there a place I can put my hope that it is never deferred? Sure, I may not get what I think I want or need...but is there something better I can get?
  
  And Psalm 42:5 answered me...
  
  "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God."
  
  Indeed, there is a better hope. There is a place I can put my hope that is never deferred. Though I may not get what I think I want or need, instead I get Him. He is a hope that is never deferred.