Feelings Don't Matter

I read something last night and it was very profound to me. You see, I have issues. I have horrible automatic thoughts that almost always lead me straight to thinking I'm not good enough. I'd say I was working on it, but sometimes that doesn't even feel true. Let it suffice to say that I'm hoping to work on it. My counselor even prayed last time, "Lord - what am I going to do with her?" It made me laugh. She's awesome.

Anyway, I'm re-reading The Search for Significance and doing the study in the back. It starts with self-worth, which is what I'm lacking somehow. Not prideful, full of yourself, self-worth. The author describes it like this: "True self-worth, unlike pride, is not based on an evaluation of our performance." I am constantly evaluating my performance and always falling short. Impossible expectations.

I read the promises of God and to be perfectly honest, they sometimes just feel like words to me. I'll catch myself thinking, "Well, Paul wrote this but he wasn't really talking about me too. It's for everyone else or it's just for him." That's horrible, I know. It's like I'm not accepting that all scripture is God breathed. It's like I'm choosing to not believe a fundamental truth - a basic truth - a cornerstone.

On a related topic, I don't let myself feel a lot of the time. It's like I don't let the feelings come to the surface because I don't like them. So I just stuff them down and hope they don't come up again. But they always do. And I won't ever be free until I allow myself to really feel the crap. I think my feelings are stupid - I'm told they're not, but I still think they are. But they are just feelings.

And this is what I read that blew my mind:

You may feel very happy and thankful {after reading God's truths}, you may be overwhelmed with the magnitude of God's love, or you may be thinking, This can't be true. I don't feel like this at all. That's okay. It's better to be honest and feel pain than to deny it and try to convince yourself that you are happy. Remember, your feelings are not the basis of truth. God's Word is our authority. What He says is true, whether or not we feel it. The more we understand God's Word and live by it, the more our feelings will reflect His character and love.

I'm trying to focus on that right now. It doesn't matter how I feel - the truth never changes. What God says is true, whether I feel it or not. That comforts me a little. I want to feel it, but for now, logically knowing that no matter what, His promises are true - that helps.

I think my next post will be about why I don't believe. That should be great fun. sigh.