I guess it's good that I'm noticing the downward spiral, but I wish I was past the point of just noticing and able to nip it in the bud. It frustrates me.
A friend I love dearly is in the micro-beginnings of a maybe relationship. It's not that I'm jealous - OK, maybe it is that I'm jealous. But it's not the jealous like when you don't want good things to happen for others or when you think badly of them or whatever. You know what I mean? I love the excitement I see on her face. I love the way she is letting God be in charge. She is one who deserves this more than anyone I know. I guess it's the jealous of why can't I? So I go from hearing that to I wonder why she didn't tell me earlier (I must not be that good of a friend) to why can't I (I'm just not good enough for someone to like me) to crying in the car (I'm hopeless) to yelling at my daughter (I'm sure somewhere thinking I'm not a good mother) to slamming doors. . . and down down down.
It all goes to that stupid core belief I have that I'm not valuable or worthy to be loved. (Funny how I had just shared with my home group that I felt like my light bulb was really flickering on that subject. And wrote about it with such confidence last night. Ha.)
So, my counselor says when I do this, I'm believing Satan's lie over God's truth. I don't want to believe Satan's lie. He really knows how to lay it on though, doesn't he? He knows exactly what to do to me. He knows exactly what will push the "not worthy" button and he goes for it with gusto.
What bothers me the most is that I feel like I'm just not getting some point that will help me turn the corner. I know it's a process. But I feel like I should be farther along the road than I am. Why do I continue to fail in this? I mean, I suppose the fact that I recognize it as an asinine downward spiral with no merit whatsoever is a good thing. I guess that shows some progress - but all I feel is the failure of not getting it. What I need right now is to just pick myself up yet again, spend some time with my Savior and remind myself of His truth.
He's the only one who can get my light bulb turned back on.
6 comments:
I get it. I've been there. You're right that it is good that you see the signs and it is great that you want to fix them. I wish I had the appropriate words of wisdom for you, my friend. I don't know that I do, though. I will pray continue to pray for you. I know you'll make it through this.
I could have written this. I understand. I've walked that road MANY times too. And I think you said it best when you said that it is a process. I see you coming closer to triumph though. Recognizing the signs in yourself and battling against them is a big step. You are a wonderful woman worthy of amazing love. God determined that and proved it with Jesus. No knew news. I know you know that already. Satan knows it too, but will never stop trying to convince you otherwise. See him for the lying slithering little snake that he is and STEP ON HIM!
Hi Erin! I was so excited to see your comment. I can't wait to read through your blog. It sounds like we are in a very similar place in life. I so totally understand what you are going through, and I think recognizing it for what it is, is definitely a huge step. I'm excited to catch up with you in Dallas soon. I'll be home in about 10 days, so we definitely need to get something on the calendar. :-)
Take care,
Jennie
Here's the deal. FACTS: God loves Erin sooo much He sent His ONLY Son to die for her on a cruel cross. Jesus loves Erin sooo much that He went to the cross to save her. God's Holy Spirit loves Erin sooo much that He guides, protects, and provides her wisdom all day, everyday. Can they ALL be wrong about Erin's value. What do they see that Erin doesn't? Look harder, pray, and He will let you see!
By the way, I like you new page. It looks bright and cheery!!
i just wanted to thank you all for your comments. I had a fantastic session with my counselor on Monday and made progress is realizing the feeling that comes at the start of my spiral. I'm gonna catch it quicker next time!
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