Confession

My pastor talked about faith tonight. One thing he said was "Habitual sin is a lack of faith. Laziness is a lack of faith. Refusing to engage with your neighbors is a lack of faith." How does Pastor Matt know? How does he know what's going on in my life all the time?

I was asked to go eat with with some people I don't really know in person on Saturday to celebrate this really nice guy's birthday. I know them only through this very blog. I was filled with fear. Going to meet people I don't know is an agonizing and horrendous idea to me. It's never that feeling when I'm first asked. Well, that's not true. The feeling is there but I pretend that it is not. But upon reflection, I am filled with fear. I can't do it. I don't know what to say. They won't like me.

I did this when I first tried to meet with my home group. It took a few months to force myself to meet these people who have nothing but love for me.

So I didn't go on Saturday and I'm sorry.

Lack of faith. Jesus is the one who ties these strangers to me. I care about them and have never met most of them. They already care about me. I believe the lies of Satan instead of stepping out in faith that Jesus will be there with me too.

There are many times I will not answer the phone when it's someone I know, but not well, and I think they are going to ask me to do something. How crazy is that? I won't know what to say. I won't know what to do. I won't be what they think I am. Lies - all lies from the master liar.

As my counselor would say, I'm being a pawn for Satan. I'm allowing him to lead me around instead of telling him to shove it and following my Savior.

So with tears in my eyes, I offer my apologies. If you ask me again, I will do my best to not let Satan's lies hold me back.

Lucy and Aslan

Elyssa and I saw Prince Caspian last night. It's a good movie, but they change too much from the book and that annoys me. I know they have to do it sometimes or else the movie would be 14 hours long. I'd rather have the 14 hour movie. They just changed the order of some things and added stuff. It's still a good movie. Maybe I just need to see it again.

But what I loved was how Lucy sees Aslan and her face lights up and she runs to him and throws her arms around him. That's how I want to be with Jesus. But I hold myself back - I'm sure it's because of my lack of worthiness feeling. I like that she has no hesitation. She doesn't feel like she's intruding. She feels comfortable and free.

I want that too.

Battlefield

I read this the other day and was brought up short. I don't want to be a pawn of Satan! I do not want to be separated from my glorious King by the little "nothings" in life.

The Gentle Slope to Nothing

Screwtape reveals Nothing:

The Christians describe the Enemy as one 'without whom Nothing is strong'. And Nothing is very strong: strong enough to steal away a man's best years not in sweet sins but in a dreary flickering of the mind over it knows not what and knows not why, in the gratification of curiosities so feeble that the man is only half aware of them, in drumming of fingers and kicking of heels, in whistling tunes that he does not like, or in the long, dim labyrinth of reveries that have not even lust or ambition to give them a relish, but which, once chance association has started them, the creature is too weak and fuddled to shake off.

You will say that these are very small sins; and doubtless, like all young tempters, you are anxious to be able to report spectacular wickedness. But do remember, the only thing that matters is the extent to which you separate the man from the Enemy. It does not matter how small the sins are provided that their cumulative effect is to edge the man away from the Light and out into the Nothing. Murder is no better than cards if cards can do the trick. Indeed the safest road to Hell is the gradual one—the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts.

—from The Screwtape Letters by C. S. Lewis

I'm working with my counselor right now on taking control of my mind. It is a spiritual battlefield and I have not been fighting it very well.

You've all read in Ephesians about putting on the armor of God. I got a vision and wished I could draw what I see in my head. Maybe I'll try drawing it someday.

Ephesians 6:10-18

10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

2Corinthians 10:4-5

4The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. 5We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

I've heard this all before, but I forget too easily. I want to remember! I know that part of my problem (a HUGE part) is that I'm not in God's word every day. I have to do that. It's why I forget. I don't have the weapons to fight Satan with. I wonder why I don't have those weapons. For some reason, I can read a Star Wars book in a few days but just don't have time to read my Bible. Hmmmm. Call me crazy, but that's a pretty lame excuse. Where are my priorities?

Pastor Matt always asks, "What stirs your affections for Christ? Do those things! What robs you of your affections for Christ? Stay away from those things!"

I've been reading a lot lately (for the last 2 months!) and not writing because I'm at a point with my counselor where I'm supposed to be looking at and acknowledging that deep pain that we all know is down there. I just don't want to find it. I say I don't really know what it is, but I think I do. I just don't want to expose it even though I know that's the only way to heal it. To me, that specific pain is pointless and selfish and childish and I should just get over it. But - that's called NOT taking my thoughts captive and making them obedient to Christ. I'm not seeing myself as Christ sees me. I'm falling into my core belief that I'm not valuable enough or worthy enough to be loved. That's why I need God's armor.

Final thing: a prayer request. My church goes to Family Camp each year in Arkansas at Shepherd of the Ozarks. I deeply want to go. I am number one on the waiting list. The owner guy said that the probability of us getting to go is VERY high because there are always cancellations. Please pray that it works out that Elyssa and I can go. There are two reasons I want to go so badly. First of all, this is a way for me to make some more connections with people at my church. I still feel like I don't know very many people. The other reason is that I desperately want Elyssa to be surrounded by some Godly men. I want her to see how a Godly man acts and how he treats his family and how he prays and how he serves. I didn't get to see much of that growing up or in my marriage. I have a profound desire for Elyssa to see that. Thanks!

Ahhh. . . it feels good to be writing again! :-)

I'm Back!

I've decided that I'm hiding out from something. I haven't been writing. I've only been reading, and not reading anything that's going to improve me in any way. I'm just doing what I always do - go hide in my room and read. So what's my deal? Hmmmm. I don't know. But I've got to start making time for me again. I need to clear out the cobwebs that are forming up there.

Life is good. School is almost over! Three more full weeks and then I'm off for almost 3 months! I can't wait. But I will be doing more for God's kingdom this summer instead of just sitting on my tush. I've got plans. I'll let you know so you can hold me accountable.

Check back soon.