Prayer

My problem is pride. Either I don't feel I'm worth the friendships I desire, or I'm not good enough to be loved by others, or I think I can fix all my problems myself. The solution to my problem is prayer. I want to learn to pray better. In my previous post I said that I've been hit over the head with examples of asking God. Maybe the asking is not supposed to be my focus.

I think prayer was all I was supposed to see. (Yeah, God. Sometimes You have to knock against my head a few times. But I will learn!)

CS Lewis has an anthology of George MacDonald's work. I've quoted from it before. Here are some that made me cry tonight. I apologize for how many there are. Know there are more that touched my heart tonight that I didn't copy down.

Why Should it be Necessary?
What if He knows Prayer to be the thing we need first and most? What if the main object in God's idea of prayer be the supplying of our great, our endless need - the need of Himself?. . . Communion with God is the one need of the soul beyond all other need: prayer is the beginning of that communion and some need is the motive of that prayer. . . . to bring His child to his knee, God withholds that man may ask.

Small Prayers
In every request, heart and soul and mind ought to supply the low accompaniment, "Thy will be done"; but the making of any request brings us near to Him. . . . Anything large enough for a wish to light upon, is large enough to hang a prayer upon: the thought of Him to whom that prayer goes will purify and correct the desire.

Perfected Prayers
And there is communion with God that asks for nothing, yet asks for everything. . . . He who seeks the Father more than anything He can give is likely to have what he asks, for he is not likely to ask amiss.

Why We Must Wait
Perhaps, indeed, the better the gift we pray for, the more time is necessary for its arrival.

Answer
"But how can God bring this about in me?" - Let Him do it and perhaps you will know.

Prayer
Never wait for fitter time or place to talk to Him. To wait till thou go to church or to thy closet is to make Him wait. He will listen as thou walkest.

Creeping Christians
We are and remain such creeping Christians, because we look at ourselves and not at Christ . . . .

And the last is just God telling me yet again - He loves me.

Troubled Soul
Troubled Soul, thou are not bound to feel but thou art bound to arise. God loves thee whether thou feelest or not. . . . Try not to feel good when thou art not good, but cry to Him who is good. He changes not because thou changest. Nay, He has an especial tenderness of love toward thee for thou art in the dark and has no light, and His heart is glad when thou doest arise and say, "I will go to my Father.". . .

Ask

I'm being bombarded left and right with verses about asking God for what you desire. Every time I open the Bible, I find something else. Every sermon I listen to tells me to ask. The last few books I've picked up have said something about asking God - never stop. When I give up hope, He brings someone into the picture that I haven't seen in a long time to remind me that the kind of guy I want is really out there. (Remember Jake? I haven't seen him in months and he's there to help park today. We go eat breakfast. He's amazing. Unfortunately, he's 20 years old! Amazing college boy buys me breakfast this morning - looks me in the eye - truly wants to know about me - not in a romantic way, just as a man of God who cares about others. Why can't I have one of my own? )

Psalm 145:16
"You open Your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing."

Psalm 145:19
"He fulfills the desires of those who fear Him. He hears their cry and saves them."

Proverbs 13:4
"The sluggard crawls and gets nothing, but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied."

Proverbs 19:22a
"What a man desires is unfailing love. . . ."

Luke 11:5-13
Jesus tells us to boldly ask for what we want.

Luke 18:1-8
Jesus tells a parable of a widow annoying a unjust judge until he gives her what she asks for. God, who is just, will most certainly give to those who love Him.

So here's my question - what am I doing wrong? I don't really want an answer because I think I know. Or maybe I don't know, but I do know that I don't want to hear your reason because I don't think I'll like it. Although, I highly doubt you'll be able to resist.

I know He prunes those He loves so that we will grow more fully. I know He disciplines His children to make us more like Him. I know that in my times of struggle, I am able to lean on Him more than in other times. I know when I'm lonely - He is always there. I think He is very much wooing me to give myself fully to Him. But all I want is for Him to take away what doesn't need to be there and He won't. So does it need to be there? Is it right? Because I immediately go to the thoughts of what's wrong with me? There has to be something.

I ask over and over for my desires. I ask over and over for my desire to be changed. Nothing happens. Why?

I'm sure this post needs more editing. I'm sure it sounds whiny and pathetic. But as I am in a whiny and pathetic mood, I guess it's OK. If nothing else, it is very honest. That's got to count for something.

Where Are You?

I don't want to be lonely anymore.

Three Things

1. I want a live in maid. One who will cook, clean, do dishes and laundry. Or little elves who will magically do it every day. Or fairies. Heck - I'll take ghosts at this point! They can haunt my attic and rattle chains all night long. Just clean up during the day!

2. I want to throw everything we own out and live in a 1 room shack. A deep spring cleaning is in my future - anybody want to help? Plus the fact that I've got to trim trees and fix my flower beds and clean out the garage! We own too much stuff. I don't want to be a stuff owner! God help me!

3. We have 14 boxes of cereal in our pantry! 14! How many people live here? 2! What the heck?

How am I supposed to find time for important things? I can't do it all.

More Zapping

I need to give credit to my friend Rachel who first made the zap comment to me yesterday. Thank you Rachel!

Now I have to lead you to my friend Carlotta's blog. Click here for more zapping.

Zapped

He does zap in His own way. One of my home group leaders sent this verse to us just now:

Micah 7
(1a) I'm overwhelmed with sorrow! sunk in a swamp of despair! (msg)
(7-9) But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me. Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light. Because I have sinned against Him, I will bear the Lord's wrath until He pleads my case and establishes my right. He will bring me out into the light; I will see His righteousness. (niv)

Zap

Why can't God just zap away the stuff that we want gone? I mean, I know He's all-knowing and everything and probably knows more about the situation than I ever will. But surely I'd be better without these stupid feelings hanging around. They aren't doing any good. Really - there's no purpose for them. It's a waste of . . . of . . . heart-space. Yeah.

zzzzzzzzt. Stupid feelings all gone.

sigh

What Others Think

I just started reading through Isaiah - very slowly. Pastor Matt said something about it a few weeks ago and I realized I've never read through the whole thing. So I read chapter 2 this morning.

Isaiah 2:22
Stop trusting in man, who has but a breath in his nostrils. Of what account is he? (NIV)

Quit scraping and fawning over mere humans, so full of themselves, so full of hot air! Can't you see there's nothing to them? (MSG)

At home group last night, we had to share something that we have struggled with and how God got us through it or something that we are struggling with right now. I didn't know what to share. I started reading through my old journals (that's how I found my man list). There were so many times during my divorce when I was very panicked and hysterical. I wrote my prayers in my journal. I asked God to help me survive and you can see on the paper how the peace came over me. My handwriting would actually smooth out. I wrote many times that I could feel Him there with me. He would lead me to some scripture or some book or some radio show that would lead me to just the right scripture so that I could read His promises. Looking back - it was an amazing time.

Then we got into how I'm struggling with wanting to be a good Christian. I've always felt like I had to be good enough for people to like me. That's why I get quiet in a room full of people I don't know. That's why I have a hard time meeting new people. I constantly ask myself, "Why would they want to talk to me?" A very smart lady reminded me that it's pride. It's the opposite of what we usually think about the word pride. But it is pride. I'm still putting myself before Christ. My focus is not on Him - it's on me.

That's why I love the verses above in Isaiah. Why do I worry about what others think of me? I should focus on what God thinks of me. He loves me more fully than any human ever will. I'm working on letting His love be enough.

Huge ah-ha hitting me right this very second!

Read that last sentence again. I'm working. I. What the heck? I can't do it. I'm trying so hard to do it all by myself. I can't. I should be praying that God will help me.

Abba Father ~ please help me get rid of me. Here I am scurrying around like an ant trying to fix myself. How stupid. Lord, please take over. Kick me out of the driver's seat. But You won't do that, will You? I have to get out myself. OK - I'm scooting over. Can I sit in the middle so that I can feel You? Will You put Your arm around me? When I try to give You directions, will You please smile at me and remind me that I gave You control? I don't want to drive anymore God. I want to go where You want to take me. I just want to sit here and sing to You and make You laugh. Right now, I can't stop crying, but it's not because I'm sad, God. It's because You amaze me and overwhelm me. Thank You for loving me. It feels so good to not be driving at this very second. Please help me remember. I love You.

My List

Carlotta made a list of what she was looking for in a man. I just stumbled across my list and it makes me laugh a little bit. Partly because a lot of it at the beginning is just the opposite of my ex. It shows too, how I've changed and grown since 2003. Anyway - for your reading pleasure - don't laugh too much.

6/28/03
Funny
smart
family man
good money
great looking
strong
accepting
patient
forgiving
spiritual
prays with me
communicates
not nerdy
not much of a drinker
9/01/03
wants to go to the movies
reads for fun
loves my daughter
wants more kids
9/14/03
blond!
(Hayden Christensen - Episode 2 - my daughter watched this too much!)
wants to kiss me
1/17/04
bursting with integrity
completely unselfish
12/26/04
100% man of God
3/25/05
looks at me and smiles
smiles while kissing me
does what he promises
6/11/05
sings to me
6/15/06
sends me text messages

It's funny to read through. Interesting that there are not many physical qualities on my list. The physical good things didn't last for me last time. It's funny to think that the man of my dreams may be totally what I'm not expecting. I stopped adding to my list. I'm going to trust that God knows best.

Not Sad!

I don't know if you've read The Little Voice yet, but I was thinking today that you might get the idea that I'm wallowing in sadness over here. That's not true at all. I'm not in the pit of depression, if it comes across that way. I'm not totally fake happy out there in the real world. I have so much joy and love in my heart. I am sincerely happy. I just yearn and want more than what I have - which sadly is the fate of all humanity, I think.

I also worry too much about what other people think. :-)

The Little Voice

Pastor Matt said a few things in his sermon on Easter Sunday that just kind of jolted my thoughts. Elyssa went to bed at 7:30 so I've had a few hours to process this through. Hope it doesn't ramble too much.

He defined sin as anything we make the ultimate instead of God. Then he started listing off some examples - money, things, lust, alcohol . . . and I was sitting back, thinking how great I was because none of that stuff was the ultimate to me. Then he dropped the bomb. He said family. Family? My wanting of a marriage could be sin? NOT that the WANT is sinful - but am I making it the ultimate? Sadly, I could only answer yes. Darn it. Right now I'm sitting here realizing that I think myself so lucky to be so far from sinful behavior - you know the bad stuff - and what a load of crap I've been feeding myself. I am very sinful.

So, then comes the thoughts of how can I be a better Christian? I'm not doing it right. How can I do it right? Why am I still sinning in the same way over and over? Why isn't God sick of me by now? Why does He continue to love me? Of course all of that is another load of crap because I know why. Jesus took my sin- past, present and future (once for all - Heb 10:10 & 1 Peter 3:18).

Then that stupid voice takes over and all I do is think badly of myself. I'm (insert bad thoughts here) and the list goes on and on. I hesitate to even list those - and actually I just went back and deleted them - I don't want you hearing the voice or agreeing with the voice. You know? Does everyone battle that voice? Has anyone successfully defeated the voice? Why can't I seem to conquer it?

Pastor Matt asked why we listen to the voice. Romans 8:31-39 tells us that no one can judge us, save God Himself. He loves me. Not because of anything I have on the outside. Not with an imperfect love. He loves me. Nothing will be able to separate me from the love of Christ. Have you ever thought about that? NOTHING! It pierces me. I get stuck thinking I have to be good enough. That's how you have to be with people. You have to be good enough to be loved by someone. But not with God. He just loves me. Period.

Romans 8: 31-39 (The Message)
So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:
They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.
None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.

The voice is wrong. So why do I continue to give it power? Honestly - I will catch a glimpse of myself in a window reflection and instantly every bad thing I think of myself rushes through my head. Why can't I accept God's love as enough?

Have you ever started reading a book and put it down and then picked it up again days or even weeks later and the very next chapter is exactly what you need to hear? This happens to me far too many times to be a coincidence. I am reading Come Thirsty by Max Lucado. It's been weeks since I've read a chapter. I picked it up yesterday and the chapter is called Going Deep. It's about receiving God's love. Max refers to Deuteronomy 7:7-26. Click here to read the promises God has made to you and me.

Come Thirsty

• To abide in Christ's love is to make His love your home. Not a roadside park or hotel room you occasionally visit, but your preferred dwelling.
• Adapting to a new home takes time.
• The dimensions of God's love are different too. You've lived a life in a house of imperfect love.
  
• Go deep. Take a breath and descend so deeply into His love that you see nothing else.

So why can't I completely receive God's love? Am I stuck at comparing His love to human love? Am I the only one who struggles with this? I get frustrated because I feel like I should be farther along the path already. Am I a lousy Christian? What am I doing wrong? Maybe it just goes back to what JP told me once. He said we see glimpses of that perfection and we hunger for it. Sometimes we chase after something that we only think is that perfection, only to find out later that we've been wasting our time.

I've wasted so much time. I continue to waste time. I can't seem to stop wasting time. We will get the perfection when He returns. (When He Returns is a GREAT Kevin Max song!)

I want more faith. I want to love Christ more. I want to be totally dependent on HIM and Him alone. Why do I feel like I'm not there? Why do some people feel like they are there? How did they get there?

Nothing to Say

I'm not sure what is going on. I just can't write. Either there is no time, or what I think about can't be shared here (since my secret codes never work) or I have nothing to say.

You know that little voice? The bad one that you should never listen to? I think it's taking up too much of my head. Maybe I'll write something soon on that.

Answering Machine

I got excited because my answering machine was blinking at me when I got home!

5 messages! Wow!

1 in English telling me "there is no school tomorrow." (I'm a teacher - I know.)

1 in Spanish telling me "no hay escuela manana." (Soy una maestra. Yo se.)

3 from my mother - but she didn't leave a message. She just waited long enough to let me hear her hang up.

Exciting!