Waiting

I keep trying to tell myself to totally accept my singleness. These are the thoughts that continually run through my head:

I'll be fine without a husband. I don't need anyone. I can do it all myself. It's stupid to be lonely. It's stupid to desire physical affection. Maybe God doesn't want me to be married. Maybe God will take my desires and turn them into something else. Maybe there is something wrong with me. I need to be tough. I need to shut down my feelings. I need to get rid of the flame of hope that flickers in my heart.

But. . . .

God made me a woman. He wired me this way. A woman wants to feel safe in the embrace of a man who loves her. A woman feels empty without her knight in shining armor. A woman is made for emotional and physical intimacy. A woman is made for romance.

Maybe I've got it wrong in my head. Don't start telling me that Jesus can be all those things for me - I know that. I've been working really hard to put Him and keep Him in that spot. But my whole being is made for marriage - a godly marriage to a godly man. That becomes clearer to me every day. Maybe, just maybe, I need to work on accepting that it's OK for me to have all those wants and needs. Maybe it's OK for me to have that deep desire crying out from the depths of my soul. Instead of trying to push away my feelings, I should accept them as from God. He made me this way. Can I give Him all these desires? Can I stop talking myself out of what's in my heart? Could He possibly be saying WAIT instead of saying NO? Can I trust that as I wait and keep myself pure, He will amaze me with what He has planned for me?

Psalm 62:8
People, trust God all the time. Tell Him all your problems, because God is our protection.

Broken Down

I've said before that God speaks to me in song lyrics. Here's another by Jeremy Camp that just fits so well with what I'm working through right now. It's only the chorus.

Beyond Measure
I know that I've been,
Given more than beyond measure,
I come alive when,
I see beyond my fears
I know that I've been given more than earthly treasure,
I come alive when
I've broken down and given You control
When I've broken down and given You control

Giggle

Elyssa drew some Star Wars pictures recently. The first picture might help explain the second picture.

Get your head out of the gutter!
She already told you it was a lightsaber!

Control

Pastor Matt made a big deal recently in one of his sermons about the audacity we have in questioning the way God does things. I shared the verse from Romans a few posts ago. I paid attention to how His power is evident in the lightning and thunder. It's like He's flooding me with references of His power and wisdom to reassure me that He is in control.

I decided to start reading 1 Corinthians again. I'm not sure why - well, I wasn't sure why. But I think it was the Holy Spirit leading me to more proof of God's power and wisdom.

Chapter 1 reminded me that God uses the weak and lowly so that He can prove to the world that it is Him, not man that has the power. I've heard that before, but needed to read it straight from the source. It just hit me hard. It brought tears. I'm so worried about being "good enough" and that's such a waste of time. I keep thinking I should have learned whatever lesson by now and that God is tired of having to deal with it again. I don't have to be good enough all by myself. The Cross makes me good enough. What a relief!

1 Corinthians 1:27
But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.

The Message version is cool: Isn't it obvious that God deliberately chose men and women that the culture overlooks and exploits and abuses, chose these "nobodies" to expose the hollow pretensions of the "somebodies"? I can be real. I can be faulty. I don't have to be perfect.

Then chapter 2 brought more tears. It's funny too, how the tears come even though you've read it before. Or as I read it again now - I don't get the tears. The Spirit had something to teach me yesterday.

1 Corinthians 2: 9-10
However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him" but God has revealed it to us by His Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God.

That Spirit knows the deep things of God. That same Spirit resides in me! I don't know what God has planned for me. But I love Him. So I think my dreams will one day come true. The Message says, "The Spirit, not content to flit around on the surface, dives into the depths of God and brings out what God planned all along." I don't want to flit around on the surface either.

Abba Father ~ help me continue to give You control.

How Big Are You?

How big is the God who created you?

Overflowing Emotions

I've spent the last hour with God. Lots of tears. Lots of giving up. But I'm better. I started making a list of 5 things I am thankful for today. One was the sound of rain. Another was (and this is going to embarrass me) for men who make phone calls the day after meeting someone instead of waiting for however many "appropriate" days so as to seem . . . whatever you guys think waiting seems to mean. My third was for the fact that God forgives my sin - because darn it all, am I struggling with something. My fourth was for love - my daughter's, my dog's (he came quickly to sit by me when he heard me crying) and my future husband's (because yes, I'm going to be optimistic. I'm so ready to love him.) My fifth thing to be thankful for has to do with thunder.

I remembered something about our drive home from school. It was raining. We were sitting at a red light and I was staring off into the distance, listening to Jeremy Camp on the radio. Some lightning streaked through the sky. It was beautiful. I knew it was close by, but wasn't prepared for the crack of thunder that followed. It was so loud and strong it shook the car! It scared Elyssa and me a little.

Tonight I was thinking about how I want God to be in control of everything. I remembered the lightning and thunder. God is in control of that. He controls the beauty of the lightning. He controls the amazing power of the lightning. He controls the sound of thunder. He knew where and when and how it would happen. How small am I compared to those? How strong is God?

Please God - control me the same way.

I Asked For It

I wanted to know. So now I think I do.

I'm a squawking bird and creepy. I didn't mean to be. Sorry.

(don't ask. i'm not telling.)

Please Get Out Of My Head

Is it because spring is in the air that everyone is thinking & writing about boyfriends?

Don't mind me ~ just in a bad mood. I shouldn't be. I should be in a great mood. I wish I could list all the reasons for why I should be in a great mood. I had a great weekend. All of it. The whole weekend was great. I can't list all the reasons because I have to protect the nameless. (Yeah, I'm talking about myself.)

I'm not good at letting go. I want to. I really want to, because holding on makes me miserable.

Why does God allow the hurt/longing to stay even after I've admitted that what I want is not right? I get that. I'm praying constantly for the ability to let go. God knows I want to - I can't lie to Him. So if letting go is the right thing to do, and I want to do it, and I'm praying for it - WHY CAN'T I? I've been letting go since December. That's plenty of time, I believe.

Does anyone have any pearls of wisdom?

Be Still

God seems to direct me to this passage over and over. I was looking through Psalms for something else and found it again. Psalm 37. Usually it's verse 4 that I stop on:

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.

But today it was the first half of verse 7:

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him. . . .

How often do we try to help God out? How often do we think we can do it better? How often do we think we know best? How crazy is that?

Romans 11:33-36
Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God. How unsearchable His judgments, and His paths beyond tracing out! Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been His counselor? Who has ever given to God, that God should repay him? For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever. Amen.

Abba Father ~ I still love You. I trust that You have the perfect plan for me. I ask for patience to wait for that plan. I ask that You take away my hurts, but also realize You must have some purpose for them if they are sticking around. Your wisdom is more than I can imagine. You hold the universe together. You care about me. I trust You. I don't understand Your ways. But I trust You.

Me

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The Voice of Truth

First, a comment. If you've read my stuff very much, you know that I tend to pour out what is on my heart. I'm finding that being so free is sometimes hard to do because people are reading it. That sounds so silly. Do you know what I mean? I don't know any other way to write except exactly what I'm thinking. It has to be personal for me or it doesn't work. I'm sure you've noticed that I've tried writing in generic terms, in code and secretly (black writing on black screen), but those aren't really hiding anything either. That's due to the fact that I'm totally transparent and can't hide diddly. I guess being transparent is OK. I've had someone tell me it's a good thing. Who knows. I am what I am. What I'm trying to say ("Yeah, get to it," the crowd mumbles) is that I'm not trying to embarrass myself or you, so if there is embarrassment, you can just pretend you didn't read it. Sound like a deal?

I was worrying about something on the way to school today. Well, worrying is a little strong. Anticipating? Wondering about? It was some "Holy crap it's coming soon!" kind of thinking. To spare myself some embarrassment, I won't get much more detailed than that. But the something? It's not something I'm good at, if that makes sense. (Uh, Erin. No. It doesn't make sense because we don't know what you're talking about!) I think about the other times I've done this something and it never turned out very well. Feelings were hurt. Mine most of the time, but at least once it wasn't my feelings. I don't want hurt feelings - at all. So I worry.

A song came on this morning. Elyssa and I were listening to Casting Crowns on the way to school. The song, Voice of Truth has spoken to me many times. It's all about how we need to not listen to any voice other than the One Voice that matters.

The first time God used this song for me was last year when I found out Elyssa's new step-mom was going to have a baby. We were driving home from school. I was crushed. I wanted another baby, still do actually. I had to hold back the sobs in front of Elyssa and that was really hard. Then my sweet little girl (5 at the time) starting singing along to Voice of Truth. I was stunned into silence. "The giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me. Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed." Yeah, my marriage failed. Yeah, things aren't going the way I planned them to go. Yeah, I felt like X was laughing at me. "But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story. The Voice of Truth says do not be afraid. The Voice of Truth says this is for MY glory." Wait - my divorce, his re-marriage and new baby can be for God's glory? It stopped me in my tracks. It was going to be OK.

This morning, as I was worrying about the "something" that's coming up, Voice of Truth came on again. It was the first verse that got me this time.

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

Chorus:
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
The voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

See, stepping out of my comfort zone is what I have to do now. I've tried it out there - in the realm of the unknown - it wasn't fun for me. I failed at it. (Or it failed me?) I'm afraid of the waves. I do imagine the past waves laughing at me, telling me what a loser I am and how I will always fail out there. But the Voice of Truth, He's telling me a different story. He's telling me that no matter what happens, it's for His glory. He's already out there on the waves, ready to take my hand.

I have to listen to Him.

Spiritual Star Wars

I was reading and this paragraph made me pause. It made me think of my Christian walk. (Fulier is a Jedi Master and Etain is his Padawan/Apprentice.)

Yes, she could use the Force. When she felt confident and controlled, she could master everything Fulier had taught her; but those days could be few and far between. She wrestled with a temper unbefitting a Jedi. She watched those with serene acceptance of the Force and envied their certainty. She wondered why Jedi blood had bothered to manifest itself in someone who was so fallible.

Etain hoped she could manage to use the Force to do something more momentous than moving planks if the situation demanded it. She was certain that the next few days would test her beyond her limits.

Do you ever feel totally fallible? Of course, obviously we are. Etain is alone on the world of Qiilura - her Master has died. She alone has to succeed in the mission. She only has what she has learned and the Force. I feel like that sometimes - I only have what I have learned and God to help me through whatever - loneliness, single-parenting, possibly dating again (gulp!). Sometimes I don't feel like I'm doing it the right way. I look at others who (I perceive) "do Christianity" better than me. I envy the ease at which they seem to trust in God. I envy the time they seem to spend alone with God. (Seem being the key word - I know what seems is not always true.)

I've read this book before and Etain succeeds triumphantly. Sadly, I haven't been able to read my life before so I'll just have to wait and see.

(Can't you understand why Star Wars is so awesome? It's so much more than just a science-fiction move.)

All About Me

Amy made me do it.

A--Available, Married or Single: Really? You can't tell?
B--Best friend: Blessed with many
C--Cake or Pie: Cake - chocolate please
D--Drink of Choice: Caffeine Free Regular Coke (Diet is gross!)
E--Essential item you use everyday: a Dixon Ticonderoga Pencil - it's the best in the world.
F--Favorite Color: Purple
G--Gummy bears or worms: bears (do you remember licking the back and sticking them to your shirt?)
H--Hometown: Carrollton, Texas (actually live on the same street.)
I—Indulgence: all things Star Wars, books mostly - just bought 3 new ones!
J--January or February: February, it's my b-day and maybe some day Valentines will mean something again
K--Kids and names: 1 - Elyssa
L--Life is incomplete without: books, chocolate, good friends, ice from Sonic
M--Marriage Date: blech
N--Number of siblings: 1 – Riley
O--Oranges or apples: Gala apples
P--Phobias or fears: roaches gross me out
Q—Quote, your favorite: "Do or do not. There is no try." ~ Yoda "Laugh it up, Fuzzball." ~Han Solo
R--Reason to smile: being a mom
S--Season: Summer - no school
T--Tag 3 people: I don't like tag.
U--Unknown fact about me: I used to have a double pinky toe
V--Vegetable you don't like: Brussels sprouts - does anyone actually eat those?
W--Worst habit: stay up way too late
X--X-rays: not very many
Y--Your fave food: York peppermint patty (is that food?) Taco Bell!
Z--Zodiac sign: Pisces

Procrastinate? Who Me?

If I include the days I missed from surgery, Elyssa being sick, spring break and weekends - I've been out of school for 12 days. 12 days of pretty much doing a whole lot of nothing.

It is 1 am and I'm frantically trying to get some stuff graded because I'm supposed to export my grades tomorrow! What the heck? Why do I wait for the very last second?

It's horrible! And I'm not finished. I have some reading work to grade. I'm going to sweet talk the secretary and beg her to let me export on Tuesday morning. What can I bribe her with? I did have her son when he was in 4th grade. He's in college now. Maybe she'll just do it out of love.

I like getting paid for not working. Spring Break, Thanksgiving, Christmas and Summer are the greatest times of the year!

With God, All Things Are Possible

Rent this movie. Right now. Get up right now and go. Watch it with your whole family. I can't wait to show it to Elyssa. Get ready to cry with happiness because our God is so great.

Matthew 19:26
Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

Confidence

I recently "confessed" to not feeling comfortable around new people. I guess God was waiting for that confession so He could teach me something.

In my David study tonight, the section I was reading is called Self-centeredness in Disguise. Samuel lets Saul know that he will be king. Saul doesn't understand because he is from the smallest clan of the smallest tribe of Israel. (He's also the tallest man around which is just kind of ironic if you ask me!) He goes and hides in the baggage when Samuel is casting lots to show the people who will be king. Samuel and Saul already knew the outcome, but Saul went to hide.

Oh, that sounds so much like something I'd do. To have the focus of all those eyes on me? Yuck, unless they were all under the age of 11. I can handle tens of thousands of children's eyes on me. I could get those 10,000 children to follow my directions and do whatever it was I needed them to do. (OK - maybe I'm exaggerating a little. But I've done it with close to 100 kids!) But adults - who will judge me? Adults who will decide if they like me by how I look or how I'm dressed or the way I sound? Adults who may not (and probably won't) take the time to find out what's in my heart? Yikes!

Beth Moore writes:

How do we distinguish between godly humility and low self-esteem? . . . . One key lies in our focus. A person with godly humility looks to the Master. He or she neither exalts nor denigrates self, because to do either is to make self the center of our universe. When we're really serving Christ, our reputations and abilities simply cease to be so important. We must decrease that He may increase. (emphasis mine)

Have you ever really thought that lack of confidence is focusing on self? I think maybe I've heard it before, but it never really struck me until tonight. Admitting to something really opens the door for God to teach, doesn't it? So now my goal is to improve that. How? I don't know. Lots of prayer and taking steps to get out of my comfort zone, I guess. I took a baby step today, by the way. I did something I wasn't entirely comfortable doing. I wanted to do it, but lacked confidence, because I don't know how it will turn out. So does it count if you do something even though you lack the confidence still? I did it, but I'm still focusing on self. I'm getting a bit circular - maybe because it's after 2 am!

The next section is about people-pleasing, which I think is another huge problem I have. If I don't please people, why on earth would they like me? It's funny because they seem like such opposites. One is focusing on self. The other is focusing on others. Both are taking the focus away from where it should be - on Him and Him alone. People pleasing to the extreme helped me to be a doormat for my ex-husband. And did that help my marriage? Nope - it ended anyway.

Galations 1:10
Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.

Ouch. But you know, during my marriage I was not a servant of Christ. I was a Christian - I know that. But I was no servant - except a servant to people. And that, honestly, is no fun.

SW Confession

There's something that I want to do. This year is the 30th anniversary of Star Wars and they are having Star Wars Celebration IV in Las Angeles on May 24-28. I want to go so bad! It will be Star Wars geek heaven! They are going to have a marathon showing of all 6 movies - one right after the other. It's like 17 hours of movies, including intermissions. Doesn't it sound divine? But I can't do it alone. It's not something I think Elyssa should go to. No one else is as big a nerd as me. And I can't afford it. Darn.

Also (and I emailed a lot of you this breath-taking news) the US Post Office is getting into the SW spirit. You know the blue mailboxes out on the street? A lot of them are going to be turned into R2D2 mailboxes! They have a teaser commercial where C3PO is watching Leia (but you only see the droids) put the disk into R2. Except they changed the disk into a letter. I want one for my house. Wouldn't that be awesome! I wonder if they'll be for sale? Smaller versions maybe?

One more confession? I wonder how many of you will be smart enough to find this? I'm scared to date. I just want to get married. I don't want to date. A friend told me that God's not going to drop a man at the alter. Is that true? I was thinking I'd just start hanging out after church at the alter and see what happens. Should I re-think my plan?

The Heart

I love the comments. I love that I can get my head wrapped up and lost in something and there are people who can help steer me back on the path. People I don't even know - yet. :-)

Thank you.

Carlotta's brilliant comment made me think of this - which I just wrote about yesterday in my personal handwritten journal that nobody gets to see. {I have a writing problem/addiction thingy.}

1 Samuel 16:7
But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord doesn't not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."

Not only do I want God to know my heart - I want to see like Him. I want to look at the heart, not the outward appearance.

Why Do I Think About This Stuff?

I really need to find something else to worry about. I'm not even dating and I'm worried about re-marriage? Augh! This is what's bad about spring break - waaaay too much time to think!

It's been on my mind lately - does the Bible allow for re-marriage after divorce? So I read through this article by John Piper.

(click here to read article)

In a word, John Piper says no. Does that bother anyone else? He says it's a sin. Really. He's got a compelling argument. In the Bible, over and over, it says that marriage after divorce is adultery. No matter the circumstances. No matter what. Until the spouse dies.

But it's not fair. Yeah, I know - life isn't fair. But I didn't want to get divorced. I was betrayed. He cheated. I fought it until there was nothing left to fight. Yes, I made the choice to marry a non-believer. So that choice has ruined my chance at doing it right? He gets to do whatever he wants? He gets to remarry quickly and have another baby, but I don't, because that would be a sin? Really?

I know that doing the right thing is not always fun. I know that God's path isn't easy. But can I tell you what hopelessness this causes me to feel? Has anyone researched the topic and can point me in a direction of hope? I know eternally this is not even worth thinking about. It's a waste of time. I should put my thoughts on what's above. But being in a godly marriage is my deepest desire. I'd be good in that role. I have a hard time picturing Jesus looking in my eyes and saying that my re-marriage after divorce would be a sin.

God - may I please teach my daughter the importance of choosing her mate with You! If I only get to teach her one thing, please let it be to always put You first. If only I had kept You there myself! I messed up.

I've got to find something else to research. Any ideas? Happy ideas? God's will and re-marriage are wearing me down.

Why Can't I Remember?

Has this ever happened to you? Something clicks in your head and then all you read and all you hear hits that exact same topic? It's happening to me today and all I can do is cry. And the thing that's clicking - it's not anything new. It's clicked before. It's so simple.

God loves me. God knows best.

Come Thirsty
Max Lucado

Every so often in life, we find ourselves standing before God's counter, thinking we know the itinerary. Good health, a job promotion, a pregnancy. {marriage?} Many times God checks the itinerary He created and says yes. But there are times when He says, "No. That isn't the journey I have planned for you now. I have you routed through the city of Struggle."

We can stop our feet and shake our fists. Or we can make a sailor-in-the-storm decision. I know God knows what is best.

Hey Erin ~ it's Me. God. You know - the One who created you? I love you. I just wanted to tell you again. Trust Me, OK?

You know what else just hit me? It's the name of my blog. Augh! I'm not beating myself up or anything, but I'm just so stupid sometimes.

Deepest Desire

Everyone has a deep desire for something. At least, I think everyone does. I think that's part of what makes us human. Wait - maybe it's more than that. Maybe it comes from the fact that we, as Christians, want the perfection of Christ right now. We know it's out there. We see glimpses of that Perfect Beauty and we chase after those glimpses with our whole beings. Sometimes we forget the Perfect Beauty and go solely after the glimpse. A friend told me that. It makes sense. And it makes me want to not finish this post because I'm suddenly aware of the fact that I'm chasing after the glimpse too much. Not physically chasing, or else the bug man wouldn't be on my case. Anyway . . . .

Maybe your deepest desire is for another baby. Maybe it's the desire to be content. Maybe it's the desire to heal from an old pain. If you've read much of my blog, you already know my deepest desire is to be married again.

I picked up my Beth Moore study on David again. (It's been ages - why do I start and stop so much? Where is my discipline?) I read through 1 Samuel 8 where the people of Israel tell Samuel that they want a king. Samuel feels rejected, but goes to God with their request. You know their biggest reason for wanting a king? All the other nations had one! Funny how that is still so true. It's keeping up with the Joneses, ancient style. Anyway, Samuel tried to tell them the bad parts of having a king, but the people didn't care. They wanted a king.

This is what Beth Moore had to say:

We can see so many truths in the situation. One lesson speaks of patience. God had already planned a king for the people. Their lack of patience was to cost them dearly.

God had David picked out for them. They got Saul because they wouldn't wait for God's timing. So maybe God has already planned a husband for me? Maybe I need to chill out? Maybe He already has your desire planned for you?

Samuel warned the Israelites about what they were getting into. Often when God does not readily give us what we want, it is because He knows what our desire would cost us. Faith sometimes means forgoing our desires because we trust Christ to have a better plan for our lives.

I continue to amaze myself at how often I take the reigns back from God. What the heck am I thinking? I know better than God? Could what I want be a huge mistake? Should I be more honest? Could who I want be a mistake? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe it's just timing. Do I have the faith to wait for God's timing? Is it possible that God has a better idea about what's best for me?

When do I finally learn that?

The Bug Man

The bug man came today. He got on my case about the fact that I haven't dated. Huh?

Yes, I've known the bug man since I was a kid - he's been my parent's exterminator since forever. He wanted to know why I didn't get my boyfriend over to take care of my lawn. (By the way, I don't have a lawn. I have a jungle in my backyard. I'm waiting to see if it's going to take over the house too.) I told him he'd have to find me a boyfriend first. He wanted to know how long it had been. My three years gave him a fright. Funny.

But seriously - really? The bug man is questioning my dating status now?

Ug!

The Nose is OK

I just wanted to say thanks for all the prayers. My recovery has been super easy. There has been very little pain. The biggest thing I was worried about was getting the straws/splints put up my nose. It just sounded horrible. It turns out, I didn't even get them. I'm not sure why, but the doctor decided they weren't necessary for me. I think that's due to all the prayers that I felt surrounding me.

Thanks for all the love.

Erin

God Loves Me (& You)

I've written about this book before - You Are Special by Max Lucado.

Elyssa had me read it to her tonight. If you've never read it, I strongly suggest getting it. It so perfectly explains why God loves us. I get tears in my eyes every time I read it.

It's about these dolls called Wemmicks. They give stars to other Wemmicks who are beautiful or smart or talented - you know, all that worldly stuff. If a Wemmick is not pretty or doesn't have any talents, the other Wemmicks give them black dots. One little Wemmick named Punchinello always gets black dots. He hates it. He finally meets a Wemmick who has no dots or stars! She says it's because she goes to visit with Eli, the woodcarver. She doesn't care about stars or dots. She only cares what her Maker thinks of her. Punchinello goes to visit Eli because he is so tired of getting dots - it doesn't seem right to him.

This is one of the pages that gets me. I get so down on myself - I'm not good enough. If only I could remember that being good enough has nothing to do with it. God loves me because I am His. He made me. Punchinello is confused - he doesn't get it right away either. Later Eli tells him, "The stickers only stick if they matter to you. The more you trust My love, the less you care about their stickers." Punchinello says, "I'm not sure I understand." Eli smiled and said, "You will, but it will take time. For now, just come to see me every day and let me remind you how much I care."

Can I just remember to go see my Maker every day and let Him remind me?

God's Will

1 Peter 4:3
For you have spent enough time in the past . . . .

I've never understood how to find out God's will for me. He's not going to come right out and tell me. I know He could, but more than likely He won't. So I don't get it. How the heck am I supposed to know? I'd really like it if He just said, "Erin - you're going to do this and this. You are going to date this person and that person and you're going to marry this person. You will have more kids. You are going to work in the women's ministry at church. Life will get really hard here and here and here, but I'm always there and you will get through it."

The pastor Sunday was a visiting pastor. I don't even know his name. But he explained something to me that I've never understood before. He said instead of focusing on the part I don't know, focus on God's will that's already revealed to me. Where do I find that? In the Bible, of course.

So, what is God's will?

He wants me to be saved and know Him.
We settle for so much less. We settle to know about Him in stead of really knowing Him.
1 Timothy 2: 3
This is good, and pleases God our Savior, who wants all men to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth.

He wants me to be Spirit-filled.
Ephesians 5:18
. . . . Instead be filled with the Spirit.

He wants me to be sexually pure.
1Thessalonians 4:3
It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality. . .

He wants me to be submissive.
Ephesians 6:7
Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men.

He wants me to be willing to suffer.
1 Peter 3: 17
It is better, if it is God's will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil.

If you are a non-Christian (or agnostic?), the last two might bother you. OK - let's be honest. A lot of them might bother you. But here's my thoughts on the last two. God doesn't want us to be submissive like a doormat. We are supposed accept there is authority over us and it is placed there by God. The suffering part you may just think is stupid. I'm not sure if I can explain it to you. Unless you understand and accept how Jesus suffered for you, I don't see how you would be willing to suffer for Him.

The pastor described how so many of us focus on the plan or we focus on the stuff. We are to focus on the goal - the goal is to be more Christ-like. I admit, I get captured by the stuff.

I feel so great about my life when I'm at church, surrounded by others who love Him. I feel like I can do it - I can survive. I lose that feeling too fast and I hate that. I know it's my fault. At church, I am actively pursuing Him. At home, I'm trying to do everything else. I'm so tired of doing everything else, but I can't find the balance. There is stuff that HAS to be done. I'm not even going to list it all because I'll just get more depressed. I almost had a panic attack - I've never had one, but I got very panicked while driving home today: tears, heart beating faster, sense of hopelessness. I have so much stuff to get done - none of it is anything that I can't do: dinner, grades, cleaning, paying bills, getting tax stuff together . . . . You know how God answered that prayer? When I went to pick up Elyssa, my awesome friend Karen asked me if there was any papers she could grade. She took NINE stacks of papers to grade for me. NINE! I told her I owed her big time and wasn't sure how I could repay her. She simply said that's what friends are for and that she misses putting smiley faces on papers. Karen - I love you!

I'm going to end with a quote that Karen just gave me while we were IMing. I keep thinking I need to be better than I am. I keep thinking I'm not good enough. I keep thinking about how much I fail. Good ol' CS Lewis shuts me up so well.

Relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing yet had been done.

Darth Vader and C3PO

Christy asked, so I thought I'd just explain. You probably don't see it, but that's a very sweet picture over there to the right. You have to look beyond Vader's mask and remember that Anakin is inside. Hopefully you know enough about Star Wars to understand.

The photo comes from a Star Wars comic (yes - I am that much of a dork.) The comic takes place during The Empire Strikes Back. It is on Cloud City. Vader has arrived in order to capture Han and Leia. He wants to use them as bait to get Luke. C3PO gets blown to bits and Stormtroopers bring Vader the pieces. He has a moment where he remembers building a protocol droid as a boy. He has no idea that it is actually C3PO he is holding. It brings back memories of his mother and of his love for Padme. He holds Threepio's head close to his own and I just love that.

Underneath that mask is a man who knows how to love. He's hiding in the darkness. He's wasting the love that is in his heart. Love is his gift. I want to get in the story and yell at him, "Don't let the hurt destroy you. Open your heart back up again. Love is a great, wonderful and amazing thing. Very few people know what it means to really love another - why on earth would you hide it away? Why wouldn't you risk it all again? Yeah, it got screwed up before. Yeah, you got hurt. But to hide your gift and not experience it again? That doesn't make sense!"

Real people need to hear that message too.

The other reason I like the picture - and this is a stretch, and some of you may think it sacrilegious - in Star Wars, Vader is the Maker. Threepio is the created. He's alway saying, "Oh, thank the maker!" God is our Maker. We are His created. The picture helps me remember that God loves me. It goes with my title. That's probably really stupid to some of you - and that's OK. This is my blog. I can be stupid.

I need help remembering that He loves me.

I need help remembering that His love is enough.