Despair? Or Trust God?

Please go read this.

2 Favorite Things

I just wanted everyone aware -

Star Wars Clone Wars will not only be a weekly TV show sometime this year, but they are also starting it first as a movie! I am beyond excited! This time Elyssa and I can both go to the 12:01 AM showing! How exciting that I can wait in line and share this awesome thing with my daughter! She gets to experience the real Star Wars phenomenon with me. We may even dress up!

It's coming August 15th, 2008. Then, in the fall, the weekly TV series will be on. Yippee!

The other thing is that I'm going to see Van Halen on March 3rd! I'm jazzed about getting to see a sober Eddie with David Lee Roth singing. I've never seen VH with David Lee Roth - only with Sammy Hagar. And Eddie's son Wolfgang will be playing bass. Cool dude!

Do You Believe?

God is amazing.

My counselor is making me write why I believe what I believe. I think I mentioned that already. (I still haven't started.) Guess what church was all about?

Matt's sermon today was on whether Jesus is a liar or not. He asked us if we really believe what Jesus said. We're going through the book of Luke and read through Luke 4-6 tonight. Matt walked us through how Jesus came to "preach good news to the poor. . . to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor." And then, in His ministry, right out of the gate, He went straight to the poor, oppressed, blind and helpless. He said what He was going to do and He went and did it immediately.

We tend to believe more of what people DO than what they SAY. Jesus has done exactly what He said He was going to do. So, do I believe or not?

Matt told us to "get over ourselves." We so often think we can't be of service to Him until we get our act together. But God constantly uses the broken and oppressed, because when we are weak - He is strong.

Abba Father, ~ I want to run to You - not away from You. Give me courage and strength to quit focusing on my deficiencies and truly know Your love for me. Give me the faith to believe in Your perfect plan for me. Give me the faith to believe in Your love. Pour it into me Lord so that I can be of use to You.

Consequences

So I'm rereading the Star Wars New Jedi Order series and stumbled across this today. It's from Dark Tide I: Onslaught. Mara is the lady who married Luke Skywalker and Anakin is Han and Leia's youngest son. This is about 25 years after Episode IV A New Hope. They are discussing using the Force for trivial matters, like setting up tents and hauling crates from their ship. Mara is trying to teach Anakin that it's wrong to use the Force just because you are able to use it.

"If you start thinking that you know the best for people and denying them the chance to make their own errors. . . "
Breath hissed in between Anakin's teeth. "Using the Force becomes easy, and if you are confident you know what is right, you're making yourself the center of reality. That's just selfish, and selfishness is the core of evil, of the dark side."
Mara walked to him and threw an arm over his shoulders. "That's very good, Anakin. We have to be responsible for ourselves, our actions and responsible to society. Usurping someone else's personal responsibility, though, denies them their sentience. It's right and good to help someone who cannot help himself, but forcefully shielding them from the consequences of their actions, no matter how foolish, is wrong.

It's just interesting to me how it goes so well with my earlier post. It's so very much like God and how He lets us make mistakes. He doesn't shield us from our consequences (even though He easily could) because that would take away from what it is that makes us human. Our love for Him can't be forced or it's not really love.

Rules

This is a hard one and I'm not sure if I can get it to come out right. But here goes.

Let me start by listing a few facts. Feel free to correct me if my facts are not true.

• The pharisees were rule followers and they were wrong.
  
• Christ loves me just as I am, not some future version of me.
• Christ died for my sins - all of them. Past, present and future.
  
• As a Christian, my purpose is to be more like Him.
• God knows I'm going to fail and still loves me.

I was listening to last week's sermon and Matt was relating our falls to that of a child. He said something like if we knew that our child was going to have 15 horrendous falls but then would be able to walk and run strongly, would we try to prevent those 15 falls? Wouldn't we accept those falls will heartache, but also with a little bit of joy because then we would know that it was only 14 left. Then 13 left. Then 12 left and so on.

So I guess my most basic question is: Do we have to fall in order to be strong?

I've been a rule-follower all my life. It's part of my people-pleasing nature. I just, for the most part, follow the rules. So am I living my life in order to please Jesus or am I just following the rules? Can you at all see what I mean? Let's get into a specific example that just lays it all out there. (Uh-oh. Here she goes again.)

I miss sex. I do. A lot. I miss kissing. I miss feeling a man's touch. (Ugh. Why is that so hard to say? I know I'm not the only one who thinks that.) Anyway, I haven't had sex with anyone since my divorce because it's against the rules. Am I not having sex because I'm keeping myself pure for Jesus? I mean, it's not like I've had a lot of offers, but it's been a struggle in the last few months. But I don't think I've said no because of Jesus so much as it's against the rules. Does that make sense? So do I have to fail in that specific example to really learn? I know that sounds dumb. Yes, Erin. Go have sex so that you'll learn it's not right. But can you understand at all what I'm saying?

I don't give myself the freedom to mess up because I don't want to mess up. I want to do what's right. Just because I will be forgiven, does not give me the right to abuse Christ's love. Paul says somewhere that His grace is not a free ticket to sin as we wish. But if I'm doing what's right for the wrong reasons, then am I really doing what's right? I've lost you I think. Jesus will still love me if I have sex. He has that much grace and mercy. But as a follower of Him, I'm to strive to be more like Him and do things for His glory. Having sex would not accomplish that so much. But again I ask, do I have to fail in order to know?

I don't want to be a rule follower with my relationship with Jesus. I want to experience the freedom that so many people say they have. But I can't figure out how to get there.

Please don't ridicule my example. I know I have a horrible dirty heart and that sin is not just actions - it's what we think too. I'm just using it to try to explain what's going on in my head. Is failure the only way to really and truly learn?

Increase My Joy

I didn't come up with this - it probably came from Pastor Matt. Maybe it's even in scripture - I should look it up. I may have even written about this before, but it bears repeating. (I found where I had written about it before.)

God withholds things from us not to knock us down or keep us in misery. He does it to increase our joy. We just can't see the why because we are too small. Thank God I have a daughter who needs to learn things so that in turn, I can learn things from my Father.

Yesterday after soccer practice, Elyssa decided she wanted to go look at goldfish. A friend on her soccer team has one and she's decided that she wants one too. She begged me to stop at Petco on the way home. I said no. I'm tired of doing things after soccer or exercise because then it's so late when we get home, so dinner is late and then bedtime is late. We have had a week of good mornings with no crying and no yelling. We've even gotten to school on time for at least 4 of the days. I told her no. She begged some more. If you have kids, you know what I'm talking about, "please please please please please please. . . . " Then comes the pouting. After pouting comes the anger.

I looked at her and said, "Elyssa, I know this is hard for you to understand. I have given you logical reasons for why we are not going to stop. You still don't understand because you are so full of "want" right now and it's hard to see past that. I totally understand that feeling of want. But I can see the big picture. I know that giving in right now will not be the best thing for you and me. You think I'm trying to take your joy away, but what I'm really trying to do is increase your joy. It's just hard for you to see. You're going to have to trust me."

Yes, I really do talk to my kid that way. She's brilliant I tell you!

Anyway - in the midst of my talk I was reminded how God is basically saying the same thing to me. I'm so full of want that I can't see past it or understand why His giving in to me is not in my best interest. He knows best. He's not trying to take my joy away. He's trying to increase my joy because He knows best. My job is just to trust Him. I even told Elyssa that there are things I struggle with because I want them now and I don't feel like God is giving them to me. (We've talked briefly about how I want to be married and have more babies.)

We need to wait for God. His perfect plan is. . . well. . . it's perfect. He only wants the best for us. We just have to trust Him. Lord ~ help me trust You!