Poor Pitiful Me

Please don't think me too pitiful when you read my acrostic. I was just in bed, bummed about the world, and it came to me in pretty quickly. I'm just posting it to get it out, not to elicit a lot of sympathy. "Aw, poor Erin. It'll be OK." I know (hope) it will - someday - maybe. Or at least maybe I'll learn to be happy being alone.

An Acrostic

Loathe this selfish feeling
Only thinking about what's good for me
Not trusting that God knows what He's doing
Even though He's proven it to me time and time again
Let me focus more on HIM
You have to believe that I don't like this time in life

Whispered Love To Me

You may be sick of my song lyrics. But I've got another one for ya. I was listening to Third Day's Wherever You Are album while waiting for Anthony to get to Cristina's (that's the restaurant parking lot where we meet for the weekly kid trade-off) and was finally listening to one of the last songs (It's called The Sun is Shining) and heard this:

Yesterday I found
That everything I knew was wrong.
It was upside down.
The life I thought I had was gone.

But You came and whispered love to me.
And You gave me stregth to carry on.

How cool is that? "You came and whispered love to me." Awesome.

Another cool thing came from a podcast I was listening to. It's from Hebrews. Have you ever read Hebrews? It's a hard read. Matt (the pastor at The Village) has a series walking you through it.

Hebrews 4:1
Therefore, since the promise of entering His rest still stands, let us be careful that none of you be found to have fallen short of it.

Chapter 4 goes on about how God has communicated His rest to us since creation, starting when He rested on the 7th day. But many have fallen short of that rest - think of Israel not getting into the promised land for 40 years. That was totally due to fear - they were afraid of tall people. David had all the wealth and total protection for Israel, but reminded them that home for the soul is not wealth and safety. Home is with Christ.

Matt said that the NIV translation is bad - it shouldn't say be careful it should say let us fear. We need to fear falling out of God's rest. He had a cool analogy of his daughter running toward the street and him putting fear into her about the danger of the street. Not that the street is bad, not that you should worry because the street is out there, not that you should never go into the street, but to fear the street's dangers. You must be careful when you go into the street.

We need to fear the street. We need others to keep us accountable for when we are going near the street. The street is different for each of us. I think my street is getting lost in fantasy land and trying to rush things when I shouldn't. I think I use this as an outlet so you guys can remind me when I'm getting near the street. We can't be embarrassed of our streets. That's what Satan wants us to do - be embarrassed and ashamed and hide it from everyone. We've got to let the Light shine on our streets.

So now a good writer would somehow connect the song and Hebrews together. I didn't plan on writing about both of them at the same time. Hmmmm. How's this? God continuously whispers love to us because He wants us to stay in His rest. But I think it is something we have to pay close attention to. I've only recently begun to really focus on the whispers. There are so many examples that come instantly to mind - a song, a book I'm reading, an IM chat, reading a story to the kids at school, an email . . . He's telling me He loves me all the time. I think I can't hear Him when I get in my street - it's too loud and rowdy. It's too full of other people and especially too full of myself.

Abba Father, Help me to hear when You whisper love to me.

God's Sense of Humor

I worked up at my church for about 3 hours today. They had me put together some notebooks and then sort a mound of song lyrics and make folders for them. It was great. I enjoyed doing something for somebody else for a change. So, thanks Anonymous Person, for the suggestion. It wasn't a soup kitchen or visiting random people in the hospital, but it was much better than sitting around thinking of myself all day.

Now for the funny part. God really does have a sense of humor. Can you guess what kind of notebooks I was putting together? Need a hint? Think about the one thing I want more than anything else. What is my heart's desire?

Give up?

The notebooks were for a "Before You Say I Do" class. You know - a premarital counseling class?

God is so funny. I love it!

Erin - The Volunteer

I didn't have to make a phone call after all. (Thankfully - I was dreading it. I almost thought God was going to make me. Every time I clicked on the person to email, an error message came up. But I persevered and found another link! I really might need some therapy to get over this phone-fear of mine.)

I emailed the church and asked if they needed help with anything. I'm going in tomorrow at 1:00 to help put together some notebooks and help the singles ministry "do some stuff" - wonder what that might be? I even get to sleep late!

It's Embarrassing

First, my blog must be smoking after all the comments this morning.

Second, I hate being so transparent. Everybody knows everything I think, even when I'm trying to be vague about it all. I mean, I know I'm writing for all to see. But some people can do that and people can still not have a clue what the person is really thinking. I think I'm being vague, but in actuality - I'm spilling my guts yet again. And yet, I don't stop writing. I like writing for an audience. I like that people care about my inner struggle. I don't like that I over-analyze. I don't like that I want a quick fix. I'm doing what I said that I wouldn't do again. I keep praying that something will be taken away and then when it's not, I begin to assume that it's supposed to be there and I take the reigns back from God and start mapping out my own path. Duh. You'd think at some point I'd learn. It's probably still there because God's still waiting for me to learn whatever it is I'm supposed to learn.

Yeah, anonymous person, I do need to do something to take the focus off me. But fear keeps me from doing that. I hate calling the pizza guy - because I don't know him. (Thankfully I can order online now!) I practice what I'm going to say before calling the doctor to make an appointment. It bothers me to walk into places alone - which I have to do all the time. I didn't want to call my neighbor who was going to fix my car - I begged my dad to call him. I've known this guy for probably 20 years. I taught his daughter! (My dad made me call, by the way.) It's stupid. I have no excuse. But I don't know how to call a place and volunteer and then actually going there? By myself? I know that sounds stupid to a lot of you and that's OK. You've got stupid stuff too. :-)

I'm leaving for the doctor - yes, I did call her this morning - yes, I did practice saying, "I need to make an appointment with Dr. Logan" before it was answered. I think I've got a sinus infection. Yipee. Why can't I get these during school so I can take a day off? (I know, that's horrible.)

I'm going to try to call my new church and ask if there is anything that needs to be done. That scares the crap out of me. I can't believe I just wrote it. Now I have to try.

How Do You Know?

OK, my anonymous friend. You've got me all wrapped up in your little comment.

The man you're hoping and praying for does exist.

You sound so sure. How do you know? You say it like you have no doubt. I don't know - I doubt. But, I will continue to hope and pray.

Timing is Everything

Every time I woke up during the night, this was going through my head:

Maybe he hasn't fallen into your lap because he's waiting for you to fall into his.

I'm not really sure what you meant by that. How's that supposed to happen? Is it that he's waiting because the timing is off? He can't do anything yet - for whatever reason - he can't come to me. But when/if the timing is right, he'll make himself known so that I can fall into his lap? Of course, you probably would rather me not over-analyze your comment, but - it's what I do. Sorry. :-) I appreciate your anonymous comment and I'm not trying to draw you into a discussion so I can look for clues as to who you are. This has just rattled through my dreams all night. Partly because it's very circular and that drives me crazy. He's waiting for me, but I'm waiting for him, but he's waiting for me . . . . With all this waiting, we may never connect, you know?

I know, I know - timing.

Here's the question that kept coming to mind last night. If this man really exists, but the timing is off, can he just ask me to wait for him? No, I'm sure that's a stupid request since it is only to make life easier for me and probably harder for him. Never mind - I don't want that for him. Whoever he is, I don't want to add to his difficulties.

Like you said, timing is everything.

Sunday Night Ramblings

I have nothing to write about but I want to write. So you'll have to bear with me as I ramble. Or, you know, click the X up in the top right corner and shut me down. It's all in your control. It's 10:45 on a Sunday night. My daughter is at her dad's. I have no school tomorrow. I've done nothing all day except sleep, watch a movie (Spaceballs!) and played Lego Star Wars (finished episode V - not completed, just unlocked all the levels for freeplay). The only reason I don't feel totally lazy is that I kind of don't feel good - sore throat and lots of drainage. So my day has been recuperating, not just being lazy. Right? Yeah, I'll keep telling myself that.

I used to feel guilty about liking when I didn't have Elyssa. But I don't feel guilty anymore. I like the peace. I just wish my parents wouldn't call me so much. It sucks to be a single 35 year old woman and the only person who calls me is my mother.

Speaking of Elyssa and Star Wars, she keeps asking me the most serious questions. First it was why did Anakin turn to the dark side. Then she asked why Princess Leia hated her father. We've had some intense discussions about how it was hard for her to love her dad, but she finally began to love the man Anakin and still not like Darth Vader. She kept telling me that you aren't supposed to hate your father; you have to love him because he is your father. I said that I know. But sometimes when your father does terrible things, it is really hard to love him. I don't have any idea if she was thinking about her own dad or if she was just stuck in the movie. But I thought it was very interesting.

Speaking of Anthony, I saw him at Elyssa's indoor soccer game yesterday. He brought Elyssa, Gabrielle and their new baby Olivia. She's really cute. Elyssa said, "Mommy, don't you want to hold Olivia?" I said, "Absolutely - I'd love to." So I took her from Anthony and was very proud to say that all I felt was how cute she was. Anthony looked freaked out by the whole thing - which is funny to me. Olivia looks like Anthony - actually more like his brother Vincent. You can tell she's a Gibson. It's just nice that I've got nothing for him anymore. It's liberating.

At church on Saturday, a bunch of people sat in my row! Finally! :-) For the past three weeks I've sat behind this really cute guy. He's really tall and he's got long dark shaggy hair, which I'm kind of into right now. I didn't get the whole shaggy hair look at first, but I'm liking it now. (But you know what's weird? Right after my divorce, I swore I would only look at blonde guys. I wanted the opposite of Anthony. Short and blonde? But I never ever find blonde guys cute. Only dark haired ones. Especially tall ones. Weird.) But of course, he has a wedding ring on. What is it with me finding married guys cute? Surely there are cute single guys out there. I did think he was cute before looking for a ring. You've always got to look for the ring first. His name is Kyle, by the way. (Christy - if you're reading - do you remember my crush on Coach Kyle Morrill in high school? I still have his autograph! It's in my Snoopy diary.) Kyle's always alone. I wonder what's up with that? His wife's not a believer? He's going through a divorce? He's a widower? He's not even married - just wears a ring on his left hand to keep girls away? Do you ever do that? Not wear a ring to keep the girls away - make up stories about people you see? Then, as I was leaving, the girl next to me started up a conversation with me. I was shocked. Sad, right? Why am I shocked? She asked how long I'd been going to the Village. I told her about home groups and going to the Next Step class after church. Her name was Christine. I guess my question is - do I put off this "leave me alone" thing? How do you know if you're doing that?

It's 11:15 now. What can I do? I'm listening to Switchfoot - heard of them? I'm finally taking a break from Kevin Max. He's making me sad lately - long story - don't ask. Well, you can ask, but I won't tell you here. Switchfoot is cool. My favorite song is The Beautiful Letdown. It's about realizing as a Christian you don't really belong to this world. We belong in Heaven - we belong in Eden. That's why that lots of times we feel lost and out of place. My other favorite is called On Fire. I think it's about being on fire when you're close to God.

Everything inside me looks like everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change,
You are the only chance I'll take
I'm on fire when You're near me
I'm on fire when You speak
I'm on fire burning at these mysteries
These mysteries

On that note, I think I'll go. See ya next time. Maybe I'll have a real purpose in writing. :-)

Sick of Self

God ~

Can You tell me what I'm supposed to do? I don't want to be a nothing. Can You help me stop thinking so much about me? You know my desire. Can You help me to forget it? But if I forget it, will You? Is that why I'm hanging on so tightly to it?

Please don't forget my heart's desire. But take it away from me. Please?

E

Earthly Desires

I knew I'd find something immediately on this. Although, it does say a lot about "evil earthly desires" and I don't think what I desire is evil, is it?

1 Peter 4: 1-2
Therefore, since Christ suffered in His body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because he who has suffered in his body is done with sin. As a result, he does not live the rest of his earthly life for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God.

Is it an evil desire because it's human? I'm trying to live in God's will.

1 Peter 4:12-13 Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed.

So I should be rejoicing that I am "suffering." And guys, please don't get me wrong - this suffering of mine? It's nothing compared to what some people are suffering. It's a joke really. It's a selfish I WANT kind of attitude. Maybe that's the deeper question behind it all. How do I get rid of my selfish attitude?

Colossians 3:1-5 Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory. Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature. . . ."

Grrrrr - That one's not fun to read. That's my answer right there. Set my heart on things above. It's so HARD!

1 Corinthians 7:34 An unmarried woman is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world - how she can please her husband."

Obviously, Paul didn't think people should get married. Come on Paul - cut us some slack here. All of chapter 7 is about who should not get married. It is good for a man not to marry. It's good for widows and the unmarried to stay unmarried. Grrrr. I don't like it. On a side note, verse 15 was very comforting at the start of my divorce: "But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances."

OK - to sum up - I'm not supposed to worry about this stuff. I supposed to keep my mind on what's above. I'm to focus on God. And I can read 1 Corinthians 7:9 "But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." That's kind of funny, right? Maybe I'm "burning with passion" so God will allow the right fantastically cute Christian man to fall into my life. (Please God? Let the right fantastically cute Christian man fall into my life.)

Shocking, I Know

This isn't going to be a rated G post, so reader beware. And I'm sorry if it's too much info for anyone. If you're concerned about knowing just a bit too much about me - I highly suggest you stop reading now. (Which makes you want to continue, right?) But if this had me in tears on my drive home from school and the thought of writing about it helped me stop, I think it must be written. Plus, I think it's only being read by my three faithful readers (Hi Karen & Christy & Rachel). They are the only ones who have told me they check it daily. Someone could leave me a comment. Did you know that I look for comments every day or so? Not to make you feel bad or anything, but hello? Is anyone out there?

Back to my shocking subject of the day. Jesus is there to fulfill our every need, right? But my need is that I want to be touched and kissed by someone other than my daughter. And more specifically - I'd like to be touched and kissed by a man. A cute man. A fantastically cute Christian man. Does anyone know a man like that? Introduce me.

Where is this coming from, you ask? Today, I'm outside after school on duty. I walk by our cute CM aide (I had a major crush on him last year) and he playfully grabs my shoulder and squeezes. I just about melt. That's sad, isn't it? (All my married friends - go hug and kiss your spouse right now. You don't know how lucky you are to have that available at any time.) So how am I supposed to get through that? How is Jesus going to fulfill that need? I know I could take care if it. I could go out and pick up someone - at least I think maybe I could? Actually, I don't know that for sure. I might be repulsive in some way. I don't know if ugly people know that they are ugly. I actually asked my friend Kelly that at one point. Do ugly people know they are ugly? Maybe I'm walking around thinking I'm not repulsive, but in actuality the show on TV should be called Ugly Erin instead of Ugly Betty. I'm not asking for reassurance here - you have to like me. You're my friend. Anything you say is very biased. Remember how I said no one would sit in my pew at church? It happened at The Village too. Finally a single lady sat near me. What's up with that? What is wrong with me? Anyway - I don't want to go pick up someone. That's not going to do anything but fulfill my need for a short time. And I don't want a short term fix. I want a rest-of-my-life fix.

Things I think you may say:

Wanting affection like that is not really a NEED, Erin. It's just something you want.

Are you someone who has been without for 3 years? It certainly feels like a need.

Those are just earthly desires Erin. You can get over them. Just pray.

Yeah, I know that's true. I'm sure I'll find scripture to support that one. But - grrrrr. I don't like that one.

Just wait, Erin. It will come. You'll be knocked off your feet one day and all this waiting will have been so worth it.

That one's just not really doing it for me anymore. What if (horror beyond horror) God doesn't want me to be in another relationship? What if I am destined to be the old cat lady? That scares the poop out of me. I don't want that. I don't want that with my whole heart!

I am now going to spend some time searching the Bible for an answer. I'll let you know what I find out. And if you have something different to say than what's above - please - leave me a comment. You can do it anonymously you know. I don't have to know it's you saying whatever it is. (And if you just happen to be a fantastically cute Christian man - my number is . . . only kidding - mostly - kind of - yeah, I'm kidding.)

Here With Me

I'm sitting at my desk. I open up iTunes and start some music. I start a shuffled playlist. I open my journal and write, "God please fill me up." I'm feeling a bit empty - not really sure why. Well, that's not totally true. I know why. And it's more than just a bit empty. But I need God to fill up all those empty spaces in my heart.

The first song is Here with Me by Mercy Me.

I long for your embrace
Every single day
To meet you in this place
And see you face to face

Will you show me?
Reveal yourself to me
Because of your mercy
I fall down on my knees

And I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love

You're everywhere I go
I am not alone
You call me as your own
To know you and be known

You are holy
And I fall down on my knees

I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love

I surrender to your grace
I surrender to the one who took my place

I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender:

I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love

Why is God choosing music to speak to me so much lately? I'm not complaining - just curious.

Captivating

Have you read this book? Get it. Read it. It's written for women, but I think a man could learn from it too. It's by John and Stasi Eldredge. He wrote Wild at Heart, which is for men. I want to read that one too.

I've only read about half. Last night, I was in tears - sobbing - because of Christ's love for me. It's the chapter called Healing the Wound. The next chapter I haven't had the strength to read yet. It's called Romanced. It's my heart's desire and I know that Christ can do it better than any earthly man. I'm afraid it will overwhelm me.

One passage that it pointed out was Isaiah 61:1-3. This is the passage that Christ refers to in Matthew 11:4, when He begins His earthly ministry.

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion - to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.

Below is how the authors paraphrase it for you and me. But first, I want you to picture Jesus, looking you straight in the eye. Can you see His love? Can you imagine the tenderness in His face? Can you see how He is completely and totally in love with you? Maybe He is holding you by the shoulders. Maybe your face is gently held by His hands. Can you keep your eyes on Him as He says this to you? Don't avert your eyes. Don't you dare. Look at Him and listen:

God has sent me on a mission. I have some great news for you. God has sent me to restore you and release something. And that something is you. I am here to give you back your heart and set you free. I am furious at the Enemy who did this to you, and I will fight against him. Let me comfort you. For, dear one, I will bestow beauty upon you where you have known only devastation. Joy, in the places of your deep sorrow. And I will robe your heart in thankful praise in exchange for your resignation and despair.

Can He really do that? For me? He will - He did - and He will for you too.

All you have to do is ask.

When He Returns

Jeff "introduced" me to a singer named Kevin Max. He used to be part of dc Talk. I can't stop listening to him. I tried to today - forced myself to put in Third Day. Then forced myself to put in Jeremy Camp. Then I put Kevin Max back in. My favorite song right now is "When He Returns" and I wanted to share the lyrics with you.

Kevin Max/When He Returns
The iron hand it ain't no match for the iron rod,
The strongest wall will crumble and fall to a mighty God.
For all those who have eyes and all those who have ears
It is only He who can reduce me to tears.
Don't you cry and don't you die and don't you burn
For like a thief in the night, He'll replace wrong with right
When He returns.

Truth is an arrow and the gate is narrow that it passes through,
He unleashed His power at an unknown hour that no one knew.
How long can I listen to the lies of prejudice?
How long can I stay drunk on fear out in the wilderness?
Can I cast it aside, all this loyalty and this pride?
Will I ever learn that there'll be no peace, that the war won't cease
Until He returns?

Surrender your crown on this blood-stained ground, take off your mask,
He sees your deeds, He knows your needs even before you ask.
How long can you falsify and deny what is real?
How long can you hate yourself for the weakness you conceal?
Of every earthly plan that be known to man, He is unconcerned,
He's got plans of His own to set up His throne
When He returns.

Elyssa and I have had some awesome conversations about these lyrics. "Of every earthly plan that be known to man, He is unconcerned, He's got plans of His own to set up His throne When He returns." I was telling her to really listen because I just loved this part. I explained what it was going to talk about. She said, "Mom - what's unconcerned mean?" She thought it was pretty cool when I explained that He just doesn't care about what any man on Earth is planning - He has already won the battle against Satan. Satan just doesn't know it. And that we have to chose our side now. She's glad we're on Jesus' side.

Then, when I was listening today for the 100th time (you'd get a kick out of seeing me belting out this song in my car) I finally really heard this line: "He sees your deeds, He knows your needs before you ask." I got tears. I was again reminded that God knows what I want more than anything. He knows the desires of my heart. He knows before I even ask. He knows. That's awesome.

A Sense of Loss

This is what sucks about divorce. It'll be 3 years soon, but I can still have a profound sense of sadness for what is gone.

Anthony called me today - to complain about Elyssa's weight. Yes, she has gained more than she should. Yes, it is my fault. Yes, I could do better about what we eat. Yes, I have been struggling with some guilt. But - I really don't want to hear it from Anthony. I feel like all he ever does is complain about my parenting. She doesn't wear the right kind of clothes - she doesn't eat right - she's not doing enough - she doesn't go to a private school - and on and on. He never tells me I'm doing a good job raising our daughter. To me, I think he feels like I was a failure as a wife and now as a mother too? And it is me raising her - he sees her maybe 6 days out of the month? So of course, I end up crying which I HATE to do in front of him. He gets quiet. I let him know that I'm sick of him telling me that I'm a failure as a mother. I'm doing the best I can. He lets me rattle on for a few minutes (which isn't like him) and then said, "I've never thought you were a failure as a mom." And proceeds to tell me all the great things I've done with her. That's when I feel the loss. It's supposed to be the two of us raising our daughter, you know? I don't miss him AT ALL. He is not a man of God and I want that more than anything else. I don't know if I can explain exactly what it is that I do miss. I miss the fact that it used to be the three of us and now it is us and them. I hate the fact that Elyssa has to share her time in two places. I miss having someone to help me. I miss having someone to hold me when I cry. It's these times where I am trying to hard to let God hold me, you know? I am finding that He is better at that anyway.

I just wish I understood God's purpose in all of this. What is His ultimate plan for me? When do I get to know? I know that God's ways are not man's ways. That we can't ever understand Him. Job 36:26 "How great is God - beyond our understanding!" And I'm led back to a verse I've already posted, but it's worth mentioning again:

Jeremiah 29:11-14
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity. . . ."

So I will continue to wait patiently for His plans to be made known to me.