Late Night Movies

Elyssa and I occasionally go to the movies late at night. We've done this three times now this summer. I'm not sure what the thrill is of the late night movie, but we love it. I decided pictures were needed.

Tonight we went to see Wall-E. Great movie! Go see my pictures on Facebook.

(I took the link off - I decided I didn't want random people to go there.)

Read This Book

What if Jesus came today? Who would love and follow Him? Who would kill Him?

At first the idea of this book made me uncomfortable. I'm not sure why - I was just unsure about what its purpose was. In his introduction, Bill Myers states that his purpose is to just make people think.

Thinking is good.

God at the Beach

Part 1
Elyssa and I are standing in the ocean looking out to the horizon. It's all blues and grays. There are some white puffy clouds in the sky and you can see for miles! I put my arm around her and say, "Look at how big that ocean is."

"Yeah, it's big Mommy."

"Look how small we are compared to that ocean."

"We're tiny!"

"Think about how big our God is who was able to create all of this!"

"Wow."

Silence.



Part 2
We're walking along the water, just looking at shells. There are a lot of dead crabs and we're wondering why there are so many. We see lots of little shells and some that look like snails - really long, skinny snails. There are millions of sand dollars. They are everywhere. But they are all broken pieces. I've never found a whole sand dollar before. I love the sand dollar - I love the legend of the sand dollar. I say a little prayer, "God - I'd love to find a whole sand dollar sometime."

We walk far down the beach and then we start back. We've picked up a few things - a couple of pretty shells, a few large broken sand dollars. Then I look down. Right there at my feet is a perfectly whole sand dollar. It's about the size of a quarter. Amazing.

"Elyssa! Look!"

"Wow, Mommy! It's not broken!"

"Elyssa, did you know this is God telling us He loves us?"

"How?"

"Whenever God puts something in our path that we love, He is putting it there on purpose just for us. I prayed awhile ago that we'd find a sand dollar, and look how He put one here for us! It's like God is saying, "I love you Erin and Elyssa. Look at what I made for you. Know that I love you."

"Wow."

Silence.

Search for Treasure

First a few "behind the scenes" before getting to my point:

Long ago, my home group leader asked our group to write how God sees us. I couldn't do it. This was months ago. But I couldn't look at myself the way I supposed that God looked at me. I knew the proper Christian answers, but didn't feel them - didn't hold them in my heart. Debbie gave me a devotional called Seeing Yourself Through God's Eyes. Of course I never did it. I flipped through it once, saw that it looked really good and then probably went and picked up a Star Wars novel. (OK - I don't know that for sure, but it's probably true.)

Last Sunday, Pastor Beau (who leads the Denton campus) gave a sermon. The whole way through it all, I just couldn't get his point. I understood what he was saying - I just didn't see what the big deal was. Which is EXACTLY why he was giving this sermon. It's kind of funny thinking on it now. But I know there are others who did not really understand what his point was. It truly was the last 5 minutes of his sermon where I went OH! I'll try to briefly make his point, which may be difficult for me to do. I tried explaining it already on the phone once and I'm not sure I got her to understand it any better.

He was using 1 Corinthians 15. In it, Paul reminds the church that Christ is the base of it all and we should never move away from that base - He died, was buried and rose from the dead. (A good preacher will always bring his sermon back to Christ in some way - it ALL leads to Him.) Paul attacks the false belief that Christ wasn't really dead. He reminds the readers that many people who saw Jesus after His death were still alive. (So during all of this, I'm like "yeah, I get it. Beau, move to the point please." Which is funny/ironic because I'm totally proving why this sermon needs to take place! Beau's point WAS JESUS!) Then Beau kind of camps out on verse 19: "If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men." He explained how some people who question whether it's all true say that it doesn't matter, they think they'd live the same way anyway because it's been a good life. But Paul is saying that if it's not all true, if there is no Christ, then he's wasted his life. Think about all the horrible things Paul went through. He's saying he's to be pitied if he did all of that for a false belief.

Beau's point was what would we say when we die, if we found out that it was all a lie? Beau is saying that we should, like Paul, be upset that we wasted our life. What have I done for Christ that would be a waste if He wasn't really the Savior? Have I done anything for Him? What is my focus? What have I given up for Christ? I'm not giving Him much time in my day. I don't make a concentrated effort to know Him better by diving into His word every day. I have no problem reading Star Wars expanded universe books for hours. So I'm not really giving up much for Him. That's where I long to improve. I've asked God many times to help me know Him better, to help me get up and spend time with Him. It never magically happens. I wonder why? (Read that with sarcasm - it's a rhetorical question my friends.)

That brings me back to the devotional that Debbie gave me. I'm good about starting devotionals and lousy about finishing them. I try to read through the Bible, but feel like I need more of a purpose than just reading it. So my counselor's suggestion was to pick one and do it. (Such profound advice!) So I picked up the book Debbie gave me. The first verse the book talks about is Proverbs 2:3-5

3 and if you call out for insight
and cry aloud for understanding,

4 and if you look for it as for silver
and search for it as for hidden treasure,

5 then you will understand the fear of the LORD
and find the knowledge of God.

Do you see verse 4? Read it again - if you look for it and search for it. I can pray all day long to know God better, but I have to look and search. We can't be passive here, people. We are to search out God's wisdom as if it were hidden treasure. And it is treasure! The best treasure of all.

That was a huge ah-ha moment for me. I've been passive about a lot of things in my life. I think things will just happen. It doesn't work that way. The things I want - I must search them out. I must work hard for them. I can't wait for it to just come! It's like how I let myself feel that my body will not change any more than it has. PASSIVE! I must search out the healthy lifestyle. I must search out the muscles by working them and pushing them harder. Knowing more about God is not going to just happen. PASSIVE! I must search His truths out and then I will know Him more.

Are you actively searching for Him?

Money. Blech.

So I did the stupid teeth thing on Wednesday. I thought I was going to die. It made my teeth VERY sensitive and I was afraid it would last forever. Thankfully they didn't bother me at all today. Now my 2 front fake teeth are a different color than the rest - which is good, that means it worked - but it'll be a few weeks before I get my new fake teeth. (Gosh - I sound like a hill-billy or something - "yeah ma, I'm a-gonna git them there new teeth next month! Ain't that just better than a pig . . . ?" OK, I'm out of hill-billy stuff. Moving on.) Plus there's the fact that I wonder if you can really tell a difference. I think if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't. Hindsight. Sigh.

Then I had to take my car in to the shop because the engine AND the brake lights were coming on. Yep, I'm a-gonna pay about $900 for that fix. So on top of the stupid expense of teeth bleaching AND the new teeth AND the beach vacation AND family camp, I get to shell out a ton for the car too. Yeah. Greatness!

Like I told my friend Rachel, I guess it's only money. I can handle a little debt.

I have something else to write about, but don't want to put it in a complaining post, so I'll start a new one.

The Light Blue Shirt

I went to Transform today. I proudly wore my light blue Connector shirt. What the heck is a connector, you ask? Well, let me tell you . . . I really have no idea.

Massive projects like this tend to have a certain degree of not being organized. It's just inherent in the whole idea of getting a bunch of strangers together to get some projects done. I'm totally OK with flexibility. But I wish I was better told what to do when everyone was getting there. They gave me two groups but the signs we were holding up - - - OK, this isn't going to make any sense without more details. I was given Yellow 5 and Orange 4. We were supposed to hold up these signs to help the volunteers find us. Then we were supposed to meet each other and what not - you know, connect! I was supposed to help facilitate all this connecting. Well, the signs only had one color on them and they only had the number 1 and number 2. So I chose not to hold a sign. I got the feeling from a couple in my group that I wasn't doing my job. So I held up a sign that said Orange 1. So of course Orange 1 people came to me only to find out I wasn't their leader. It was just dorky.

Then come to find out that the people in my groups were all home groups. So everyone knew everyone - - that's right, except ME! Ugh. This is just not my strength. Really. I wanted to turn in my blue shirt and run from the place screaming. But I chose to carry on. We got to our hallway and all got busy. We had a fun day of painting. I talked to quite a few people, but never did manage to "connect" anyone to anyone else. I seriously felt judged by this couple that I wasn't upholding the standard of the light blue shirt. Then I realized that the day was not about me and how comfortable I felt "upholding the standard of the light blue shirt." It was more about talking to people around me and painting trim for this under-privileged school. The point was to be Christ's hands and feet. I just let my hands and feet (and brain!) get in the way a little bit.

I'm sad to say that I never did talk to God when I was feeling this pressure from some random stranger. I wish I had. Thankfully, He was with me still.

I am going to ask to NOT be a Connector for the next two Transform dates. It's just not my thing. I want to go and be there and help, but not have the pressure of connecting others. I'm more of a behind the scenes girl. And that's totally OK. I guess I used to think it wasn't OK to be behind the scenes. I used to think that behind the scenes wasn't really serving God. It was doing stuff so other people could serve God. That's so totally FALSE! When working behind the scenes, I'm serving God by helping make things easier for other people to do their thing. It's something we should all remember I think.

Random Thoughts

Randomness - it's good to have some occasionally.

I ate chocolate cake at Outback tonight. I wish I hadn't. I'm still working with my nutritionist. I hit a snag back in February. I've lost like close to 30 pounds total, but I wasn't losing very quickly anymore so I kind of gave up and decided that it just wasn't going to happen for me. I was done. I'd lost as much as I'd ever lose. There's no way I'd ever lose anymore and I shouldn't even bother. Totally my defeatist "I'm not good enough" belief kicking in. So I'm doing another 3 months with her. But it's bugging me that I ate chocolate cake. It wasn't even that good! What a waste!

My other random thought has been forgotten now. Hmmmm. I wonder. Oh well. I'll make up something else. :-)

I wore different earrings tonight. I haven't put my studs back in since my post about earrings. I wore some dangle ones and they didn't bother me too badly. They actually made me feel pretty girly, which is quite a change to how I usually feel.

Now it's bugging me that I can't remember what I was going to write about. OH. I just remembered. Ha. Are you laughing at me yet?

OK - I have to get my front teeth replaced. Yep, that's right. I have two fake teeth up front. I fell off my bike when I was a kid and chipped them really badly. I've had all kinds of fake teeth since I was 7 years old. But never any that I could take out. That would have been FUN! So this black line is showing up around one of them. I've never had that before. I bet you've seen someone like that. I've had fake teeth for about 30 years and that's never happened to me. I don't like it much. It's kind of vain to get them fixed - it's really expensive, but my smile is kind of a big deal to me. So - I'm spending the money. The even bigger vain thing is that I'm going to go ahead and get my teeth bleached before getting my two new ones. The veneers don't bleach so I can never do any whitening to my teeth. I feel a little guilty about it, but am at the same time very excited to see how white my teeth will get. That's vain, right? The money could be put to better use than just my teeth, but teeth are important too. AUGH.

So this post has absolutely no point. There's no big lesson learned. There's no insight that can be ascertained from my writing. Ha. But you keep reading. It reminds me of this shirt at Target that I saw tonight. It's this whole paragraph about why you're standing there reading this t-shirt and don't you have anything better to do. But it's too late now, you have to keep reading and aren't you glad you're now at the bottom. It made me giggle. But it calls the reader a loser and a big idiot and I don't feel like wearing that.

OK - I'm done. That's 3 minutes you'll never get back.

AUGH - and my dog has fleas! YUCK! That grosses me out. I did the frontline today and want to keep him outside until tomorrow but he just sits at the door and barks. He feels very unloved when we leave him outside. So Elyssa just begged me to let him in. Maybe the fleas are already poisoned and are dying on him right now. It's so gross! He's such a good dog. Have I put a picture of him on here yet? Well, here's one, just in case.

Summer Goals

Summer - no work. It's the greatest thing ever! But I refuse to waste my entire summer. So how about some goals for the next (almost) three months. These are not in any special order:

1. Get involved in Transform (already did - will be a connector for all three dates.)
2. Find another serving opportunity at church (already did - will do show control along with my parking job already)
3. Do 3 more months with my nutritionist
4. Work out every day - no excuse since I'm not working
5. Get Elyssa exercising more
6. Get involved with serving food to the homeless
7. Volunteer at my church's office when I don't have Elyssa
8. Find a time to spend with God every day - no excuses

I may add more to this. But that's it for now.

Earrings

So, I mentioned an earring story in my last post.

A few weeks ago I was at a training for school. I was walking out to my car, carrying my folder and trying to call my teammate Rachel to let her know I was headed back to school. Somehow I flipped the folder just right and knocked my diamond stud out of my ear.

These earrings were given to me by my ex for my 30th birthday. I love them. They are the only earrings I ever wear. I don't like dangling earrings. I just wear my studs. I only take them out to clean them.

So, I start looking for the earrings on the ground. Of course, I immediately find the back. Ugh. I'm walking around with my head to the ground. 3-4 people pass by me on their way to their cars. Not one offers to help me look. Surely it's obvious that I'm looking for something and not doing some crazy dance. Anyway. . .

I don't panic right away. One of the first things I did was pray, "God, please help me find my earring." I keep trying to tell myself, "it's just an earring. It's just a thing. It's no big deal. Don't cry. Yes, it's a diamond, but it's just a thing - it'll be OK if it's lost forever...."

Then, out of the blue, this insane thought stumbles through my head, "But if the earring is really lost, then the marriage is really over!" Instantly I shoved that thought away as craziness and pretended I didn't just think the weirdest thing ever. I mean, come on! I've been divorced for 4 years now. Of course it's over. Duh. I don't even like the guy like that anymore - how could I even think that?

Finally a nice woman stops to help me and the concerned construction worker (who had been watching me the entire time) offered to help. He asked if I looked under the car. I had not. There it was - right by my tire. I thanked them and got in my car. This is when the tears started. Serious waterworks.

I was told by my counselor to write about this little episode. I've been avoiding it for weeks. But I meet with her again tomorrow and have to have something. She also told me to take the earrings out. I did take them out - for a week. But they are back in right now. I shouldn't be wearing them - I'm too attached to them. I'm going to go take them out again. Back in a second.

OK - I've got them out again. I hate not wearing them. (I'm also avoiding the point of this writing.)

OK - so that thought. Where did it come from? It's not that I miss the ex. It's not even that I'm dying to be in a relationship right now. I'm comfortable where I am. I'm OK being alone. I've made peace with where I am right now. It's the first time that I feel OK with it all. So why the weird random thought? My counselor said something about the loss of the dream. That the earrings still represented my belief in the dream of what was to be and that losing one earring would shatter that dream even more. It's a good point. Obviously I'm still grieving the loss of the marriage - not him - just marriage in general. I still believe I shouldn't be a divorced woman. Can it be that I haven't accepted it yet? I kept the earrings out for at least a week, but missed them. It's weird to miss earrings. I never notice them when they are in, but totally notice when they are not in.

The marriage is over. I belong to only God right now. Maybe someday He has a man planned for my life, but for now it's just me and Him and Elyssa. Maybe the thought was put there so that I'd acknowledge the truth that is my life right now? I am divorced. It's where He has me. It's not ideal, but based on the choices I made, it's where I ended up. God can still use me for great things. I'm His to use as He wants. Pastor Matt always talks about leaving our hands open. Maybe this whole earring fiasco was to see if my hands were open. Are they open or closed around the earrings? They're mostly open, but I'll prove that better if I keep the earrings out of my ears. Mostly open is not really open, is it? And it's not really earrings that I've got my hands gripped around. They just represent something bigger. I've got to open my hands. I'm closing my fists around where I think I should be instead of opening my hands and accepting that I'm where I'm supposed to be. I'm supposed to be divorced? I guess I am. I'm supposed to be a single mom? I am. I'm supposed to be alone and not dating? Right now, I am.

This posts is kind of rambly (is rambly a word?) but I'm leaving it the way it is. That's why I'm supposed to be writing. Even the rambling gets me somewhere. My hands must stay open.

Lord God - help me keep my hands open. I'm Yours and Yours alone. Yours - with open hands.

Summer!

Yea! School's over. Almost three months off! Sigh. Maybe I'll even have time to write again.

We had Star Wars Day again on June 3rd. It was our third annual celebration - very cool. I went as Queen Amidala this year. It's what she wears at the very end of Episode I. A parent of a 4th grader made my costume for me. Amazing! My two team-mates went in my old costumes. They never complained once - I love it that they give that day to me. Very cool.

Oh - and I forgot to tell you - WE GOT INTO FAMILY CAMP! God answers prayers. We're so excited!

What else is going on? My house is a wreck. I'm exhausted. I have an interesting earring story to tell, but I'll do that tomorrow. I'm too tired. I've also got this weird bug that I swear is following me around the house. He/She/It was in the shower with me yesterday. It's some kind of fly, but it looks kind of scary. It's got weird shaped wings. I wanted to call it a dragon fly - but there really is such a thing as a dragon fly. . . and it doesn't look like that. It's hanging out with me right now, just flying around. Hmmmm. Wonder what's up with the scary looking fly?

Seriously, if I'm writing about flies, I think it's time for bed.