Parenting Lessons

I think, for those of us who have children, God often uses our lovely young ones to teach us a lesson about His love for us. It's appropriate - He is our Father, He loves us very much, we do annoying things. . . .

Mornings are bad here at the Gibson household. I try - most of the time - to have lots of patience. I am not a morning person. Elyssa, being my clone, is not a morning person. I struggle to get myself up and going, but I also have to get her up and going. It stinks, if I may be blunt. I just hate the mornings at our house.

This morning was typical. I fly out of bed at 6:36 after pushing the snooze button exactly 3 times. On a side note, I've decided that 4 is a better number of snooze pushes for me. I set the clock for 6 - the snooze is 9 minutes long. If I get up by 6:36, we should be able to get to school on time. (I decided to give myself more sleep time so earlier this week I set the alarm for 6:09. I had to keep the numbers the same, you see. But 3 pushes is just not enough for me. Oh and my alarm clock is set 5 minutes fast. Somehow it just makes me feel better to get up at 6:36, but in my head I know it's only 6:31. I feel good about that. It's very strange.) ANYWAY, I get up and do the shower thing. I'm out by 6:50 or so. Rejoicing in my head because it's really only 6:45 or so. It's like I think I'm fooling the world with my little time change. ANYWAY (again) I drag - seriously - drag Elyssa from the bed and walk her to the bathroom. She sits and dozes on the toilet for awhile. (She once even asked me to change the TP so that it would be a better pillow.) Then she gets back into bed. AUGH!

While I'm drying my hair, I'm constantly saying, "Elyssa - get dressed. Elyssa - it's time to put your clothes on now. Elyssa. Elyssa!" She waits until the LAST second. I'll tell her that I'm putting my shoes on and then I'm leaving. She gets frantic that I will leave without her so she jumps up and starts freaking out. Then, she has the audacity to think she has time to change her mind about what to wear, play with the dog, change her backpack and so on. I'm rushing around making sure the dog has water, getting breakfast made so we can eat in the car (I told you mornings are not good!), putting lunch stuff in the the lunch boxes, starting the car to warm up, loading the car and so on. All she has to do is put on clothes, socks, shoes and get in the car. That's it!

This morning while I'm all busy, she makes 2 - that's right, TWO - water containers for school. I ask her to please take her cereal and my banana to the car. "OK Mom," she says and continues to fart around. This is about the time I start yelling.

Finally we are in the car and are driving down the driveway (with me saying, "Look at the time! It's 7:37! We are going to be LATE! Grrrr! (It's really only 7:33 - that's right, my car clock is 4 minutes fast - I'm a nut!) Then I say, "where's your cereal?" She left it in the garage because she tells me, she didn't have enough hands for the 2 drink containers and her breakfast. Well, I lost it. I can't go back, we're already late. Now she's going to be hungry. . . blah blah blah. She tries to apologize but I don't want to hear it. I turn up the music loud and we drive for about 10 minutes with Christmas music blaring in our ears.

The music gets annoying so I turn it down. She whispers, "Will you please forgive me?" I say, a little harshly I'm sure, "I forgive you every single day and you never change!" Then BAM, in my head I can just hear the Holy Spirit saying, "Hmmmm. Erin, it's funny but God probably says that to you every single day and every single day you don't change. Isn't that interesting?"

CRAP!

It's true. We screw up in some way EVERY single day. We ask for forgiveness. And He always - very kindly - says, "I love you. I forgive you." I doubt He adds on the "but you never change" in His angry voice. It still amazes me that He loves me that much. I get caught in the trap of feeling like I have to earn it somehow. I want to know WHY He loves me. I don't deserve it. (That of course is THE POINT!)

I learned a huge lesson today. My parenting skills are only a tiny glimmer of God's parenting to me. I should keep that in mind.

Joy

I need to find mine again.

When I'm not smack dab in the middle of Christ's love, the world gets a dreary for me. I assume it's that way for everyone else too - but maybe others are just better at hiding it than I am. People that don't believe in Christ at all - how can they seem so happy? My patience is shot. I yell at my dog. I get frustrated with Elyssa. My kids at school drive me crazy. I eat horribly and feel like crap. I don't exercise and life feels like it's spinning too fast for me to catch up. I don't write. My house gets messy.

My whole world falls apart!

I am going to make a concentrated effort to look for the joy in my life. I'm not looking for happy times so much as I want peaceful joy.

A blogger I know, Carlotta, wrote about feeling homesick. She explained how I feel so often - just out of place. Her last paragraph is where I want to find myself more. Realizing that the deep desire to be with God is not pointing out what's wrong with me, but rather what's right with me. I'm so quick to look at the dark and dreary side. I want to stop and smile as she does.

I'd like to write more. I want to write more. I need to write more. I just don't feel like I can catch up - but I'm not sure what I'm racing for. Does that make sense? I made my Christmas cards tonight and found the perfect verse to put on them. I'm going to leave you with that:

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Romans 15:13

Time Changed

The time of brunch was changed to 12:30 so now I can go! Finally - the chance to really talk and see if I'm still as interested.

Yea!

Pursuit

I've made a decision (because of some wonderful friends who reminded me.) I am not going to do anything. That's kind of a funny decision. Usually that's the wrong one! But this time it is the right choice. His job, as a Godly man, is to do the pursuing. My job, as a Godly woman, is to not pursue.

BUT - all I want is to get to know him more, right? Not too much to ask, in my opinion. A perfect opportunity arises! His home group and my home group are going to get together on Sunday. Can you imagine my excitement when I got that email? It's been in the works for a few months. We wanted to get some guys and gals together and talk about Godly relationships and all that jazz. You know, just to get the other side's perspective on the whole thing. Awesome, right?

I'm working show control at church. If they meet at 11, as was suggested, I won't be able to go. It's disappointing. It's weird. It's annoying!

Ugh!

Let God Write My Love Story

Heart issues always seem to get me writing again, don't they?

So I met a guy from my church many moons ago - I swear it's been over a year. He's a friend of one of my friends. I've been interested in him since then. I'd see him around but never speak to him. You know me and my issues - I didn't think I was important enough to be remembered. (Hopefully I've grown a little since then.) Anyway, I've never said anything to anyone about him. Just in the back of my mind, I was interested.

Jump to this past July. We were supposed to go to Family Camp. I was super excited because finally I'd get to talk to him and find out more about him. I was just intrigued enough to want to know more. We were all going to drive together so I just figured at some point, we'd be in the car for hours together and I'd finally get to know some things! Then he wasn't able to go. I was bummed. Then it ends up that I had to get my appendix out, so I didn't go either.

Jump to tonight. I was asked by my home group buddies to go to this thing - hear a missionary speak - and this guy was the one who organized it. Finally! I'd be in a small setting and I'd get to talk to him! After a year of being interested, I think I deserve to at least know a little about him. Well, I didn't get to talk to him very much. We listened to the missionary and then talked very briefly. But now it's gone from being interested to full blow attraction. There's just something about him. . . .

Anyway, now what? My friend reminded me that God's perfect timing always works. I agree. I know that to be truth. I joked with her about not being able to talk to him, but in all honesty, I am very disappointed. I just want to talk to him. That's it. It's not much. So what is God waiting for? I'm tired of waiting, but want to let God do it all. But now I've got this attraction that doesn't have anywhere to go! And I want to scheme. You know - push it, pull it, figure out how to finagle something. But I also don't want to scheme because I want to want what God wants! It's just so dang hard.

Sigh.

Down in the Pit

I'm so very much not myself right now. I'm just full of anger and kind of hatred towards the world. What's up with that? I'm taking it out on my dog, my daughter, myself. It just sucks.

I'm overwhelmed with school. It's not very fun right now. And then when I have a moment of fun, someone comes along to steal it from me. Like when another teacher sends an email about not giving paperwork and cc's the principal! Like I'm a three year old and need to be tattled on? That makes no sense to me. Ask me for it. Maybe - just maybe - I forgot. And I have to turn in lesson plans again. I've been teaching for 15 years - seriously? The district is making me prove that I know how to plan? I'm not one of those slackers. I ALWAYS do lesson plans. Why the extra micro-management? And the state who keeps telling us more and more to do but never gives us more time. So now I'm teaching surface level science and social studies and I HATE that. I want to dig deep into things and spend time on them, but now it's like just get it hit so we can move on. I don't want to be a complainer, but here I am dumping it all out.

I'm overwhelmed with my home. It's a mess. It makes me feel crazy. I can't exercise like I want because of my knee. That makes me feel fat.

I know this attitude problem is that I haven't done SQUAT on building my relationship with God. I've left Him way behind me. This is what happens when I don't put Him in the front - my life falls apart. My world becomes dark and gray. My world becomes a pit that I feel like I will never climb to the top of it again. I'm in the pit guys. Anyone got a lifeline to toss my way?

That's a crazy question - I know my Lifeline. I just have to reach for it.

Oh yeah, I have a blog.

I forgot!

No not really. I'm just too busy. I need to write again because I feel like I'm losing something. I don't even read blogs anymore. Maybe it was just a phase and now it's over? I just don't know. But I'm not writing at all and I need to be doing that.

I haven't been to church in a month. That explains a lot too. Of course part of it is due to knee surgery, but still. . . .

Pray for me.

Strangely Normal

You know what I did tonight? It was so weird, but great too. I watched a movie with my family. That doesn't sound weird to you? Let me give you some background. My brother recently got out of jail. He's been home for 2 weeks after being gone for about 6 years. It's weird to have a brother again. Elyssa is at her dad's, so Riley and I went to Blockbuster and rented The Bucket List. I looked around the living room as we got comfortable to watch the movie and realized this is the first time in 10 years or more that the four of us did anything together. It was weird. And it was fantastic! I didn't realize how big of a hole there was in our family. Looking back now, I can really see it. There was a gaping hole. It is such a normal activity - watching a movie with your family. It was nice to have some normal.

My dad has not had anything to drink in the two weeks Riley has been home. He has actually been smiling again. It's so strange. He was laughing at midnight! I can't remember the last time he's been up past 9:00.

I like having my family back together again. Thank you, Abba Father, that you have restored my family. Help us to stay strong for each other.

Overwhelmed

I love my job. I really do. But going back to work after being off for almost 3 months is killing me! We've got so many new things to do and no time to do it. Seriously. We have about 7 hours in the school day. Lunch and recess is almost an hour. Then specials is another 45 minutes. And we have to do PE every day for 30 minutes. So, let's see. . . that leaves us about 4 hours 45 minutes to teach 6 hours worth of stuff every day. It's craziness! And they changed our math program this year - and I love it. I really do. But it's so hard getting used to something new. And the needy parents are about to kill me. They don't come to "meet the teacher" and then get all uptight that they don't know what's going on in my room and that I don't know their children inside and out in the 2 weeks that I've had them! They assume the worst and become aggressive instead of just talking to me. It's so annoying. I put a stop to that one though. I worried about it a bit at first "oh no, they don't like me!" and then realized that I've taught for 15 years and I'm good at what I do. They need to get a life and realize I want what is best for their child too. They'll learn soon enough.

I feel like I'm losing myself sometimes. I feel like I should be doing more. I'm exhausted and want to sleep. But I had to get the kitchen cleaned up and now I'm sitting here writing instead of grading those darn papers that are already piling up. Plus, I need to make my healthy lunch and just don't want to. I doubt Elyssa is asleep yet. So it'll be another grumpy morning. I'm more grumpy than her sometimes.

Exercise? What exercise? With the dang knee giving me problems, I'm not getting much done. I went to the knee doctor and he says I have arthritis. ARTHRITIS! I'm 37 years old. He said we have to treat this aggressively or I'll be having a total knee replacement by the time I'm 50. Then I sat back and thought - HOLY CRAP! 50 is only 13 years away. Oh My Goodness! 13 years is like a blink of the eye. So I got the MRI done yesterday and will meet with him on the 23rd to see if there's also some tears in my cartilage. So surgery is still most likely in my future. I'm OK with that. As long as I can finish paying off my appendix, my new teeth and Elyssa's orthodontics. Sigh.

I'm moving far away from my time with God. I miss Him again. So where are my priorities? How to meet them when life gets in the way? I don't want to be so wrapped up in my life that I'm not living for Him.

And I miss my dog. We got his ashes back. I'm not ready to bury or sprinkle them. We have a little Hobbes shrine in the living room with his ashes in a cedar chest and his collar laid on top of it with a picture of him. Such a sweet dog. I still look for him or think about if he's keeping dry when it's raining while I'm at school. It takes a second to remember. . . . We will have to get another dog pretty soon. I miss having a dog here when I get home.

Thanks for letting me vent. I've got to sleep at some point!

My Family

We're all together again. Mom, Dad, brother Riley, Elyssa and me.

(and I realize I miss my long hair - growing it out again!)

Hobbes

11/24/97 - 9/2/08

Rest in peace my sweet friend. You have been the most amazing dog. You've been there with me through the best of times (birth of Elyssa) and the worst of times (divorce) - never complaining, always right by my side. I love you and will miss you terribly.

Back to School

If I just keep saying "I don't want to go back yet," will it stay summer vacation longer?

:-)

I want to write more. But not at 10:00 when I'm still trying to get the kid in bad (AUGH!) and want to get up early to run in the morning. (Don't get the wrong idea - when I say "run" I mean "walk really fast and try to jog occasionally.")

Life is good. Thank you Abba Father for joy. Life is good!

Cardboard Testimonies

Someone sent me a link to this a long time ago, but for some reason I never watched it. It's very moving. You may have seen it already, but if not enjoy! I cried during most of it. Let God speak to you as you watch. I'm working on what my cardboard testimony might be. I'll post it soon and will want you to think about yours and share if you'd like.

Surrender

I've made some incredible progress this year in opening up my tightly closed fists and letting God take control of some areas. For example, I've hated the fact that I've been single. I didn't like where God had me and didn't like how He was taking care of that area of my life. I've really worked with Him and allowed Him to open my fist around my singleness. I'm pretty content - not perfectly content by any means, but content. I've got my hands pretty much open and trusting that God has control. And I know His plan is way better than my plan could ever be.

So as soon as we come to that agreement - BAM! He decides to point out the next thing that my fist is tightly gripped around. It's Elyssa.

Elyssa has been at her dad's for the last 10 days. He couldn't get her to her soccer game on Sunday, so my mom went to get her and take her to the game. I was working the church doing lights and lyrics. The plan was that I'd get her after the morning services and then take her back up to church with me. She'd stay through the 7:00 and then I'd take her back to her dad's. Everyone was happy with that plan - until Elyssa saw me. She didn't want to go back to her dad's. She wanted to stay with me. She was trying to be so brave and not show me she was upset. I get the feeling that she doesn't think she's allowed to show sadness at her dad's house. IIt broke my heart. An 8 year old should not have to be brave in that way! Long story short - I got her to go home from church with my mom because I was going to call her dad. I called her dad to see if she could just go ahead and stay. He got angry and he yelled. It's not like he was yelling at me, but he was talking super loudly and I don't like that. Obviously. Here I was trying to parent with him and determine what was best for our child. He took it that I was telling her that she could stay home with me and going against what he said. I asked him if he really thought that I said the opposite of what he wanted to Elyssa all the time. He made some comment that yes, he did think I was poisoning her mind against him. I was aghast. My mouth dropped open. I couldn't believe what I was hearing! He kind of said he was kidding/being sarcastic or something, but I'm not so sure. Does he not know me at all? After all this time - almost 18 years, he still doesn't know my heart? Sigh. The plan still was that I'd get her after the later service and take her to his house. He decided to go pick her up. So she thought she was going to see me again and it didn't end up that way. I was crushed because I thought that his action was making me a liar in her eyes. You know?

I realized that I'm still trying to co-parent with him and it's never going to happen. There is no co-parenting for Elyssa. It's two separate things for her and forever will be. That saddened me beyond belief. It's been four years but I still want Elyssa to have the home with two parents! It's not going to happen. And it causes my daughter pain. I don't want my little innocent girl to be in pain. I felt like I was failing her because there was nothing I could do to stop that hurt.

While doing the lyrics at the seven, I really paid attention to the song "I Surrender."



I just had tears streaming down my face. It was hard to click the next slide for the service because I was getting lost in the words! (The video is not exactly what we sang, but most of the verses are.) I got it. I have to surrender my child! I've been entrusted by God to raise her, but she doesn't belong to me. She belongs to Him. And He loves her more powerfully than I could ever dream of loving her. That's really hard to imagine, but it's Truth. And you can't argue with Truth. He never leaves her. (I can't wait to remind her of that - He was there with her during her painful time and she had His strength to get past it!)

I am forever blessed to have found the home group that I did. I quickly sent a text to my two leaders who prayed for me. Then I spoke with one at length later that night. To have the wisdom of a single mom who has been through what I am going through is priceless. Shannon's advice is always to bring everything back to God. It's hard to remember to do that when you are lost in the day to day crap that goes on. My perfectionism starts to kick in. I worry that I don't do enough or that I'm lacking somehow in what I'm teaching Elyssa. I don't want her to think that the men in her life are doing it right. Then I get overwhelmed by how much there is to teach her and how often I mess up and I feel that I have to do it all by myself. Then a gentle voice in my head (hello Holy Spirit) said that I needed to slow down and remember that I wasn't all by myself. And I don't have to teach Elyssa everything right now - there is time. And I don't have to be perfect. My heart is in the right place and that's enough at this moment.

We will follow some of Shannon's advice. Elyssa and I will read Ephesians 5 this week in her children's NIV. We will discuss godly woman and godly men. One of my biggest fears is that she will look at the examples of men around her (her dad and my dad) and think that they are the correct example of how a man should be. They are NOT. So we will discuss how much Christ loves His church and all that He did for us. I will share with her that a man is supposed to love his wife in the same way that Christ loves the church. Men did not get an easy task. We will talk about what we've seen in the men around us that are examples of godly men. We will actively look for examples when we are out in public. We will look at the qualities of a godly woman and think of examples of when I've shown those qualities and examples of when I have not shown those qualities. (Ouch.) I will tell Elyssa that when she sees me acting in an ungodly manner, she should respectfully let me know.

God is good. He doesn't always make things easier for me. He will keep pruning my heart so that all the dead branches are gone. He will keep poking holes in all that dark places to let the Light shine in. It hurts like hell, but I wouldn't want it any other way. On this side of it, I am stronger and more in love with my Savior.

Random Updates

1. I cooked fish for the first time today. I'm not much of a cook and I've been scared to buy fresh fish from the counter. I struggle so much with doing things I haven't done before. Even things as simple as buying fresh fish or even going to a different grocery store. I went to Sprouts today for the first time - love that store! I think my new haircut has given me some courage. Well, that and all the stuff I said in my previous post. The fish was very yummy by the way.

2. My dad is going to be fine. He had a fall which we all blamed on his drinking, but it seems it may be more the virus/low blood sugar thing that caused it. The doctor seems to think he is suffering from "post concussion syndrome" which I had never heard of! There is a syndrome for everything! We don't know that he actually had a concussion, but the doctor is not concerned too much by his Cat Scans. He is going to have another in a few weeks, just to be sure. I just called down there and he sounded like my normal dad again. Thanks so much for all your prayers.

3. I confronted my dad about his drinking while we were at the doctor. I didn't mean to pick on him, but the timing just seemed right. I got a lot off my chest - told him I was very mad at him for not being there with mom during my surgery and that I'd like him to be around for Elyssa and that he can't quit drinking all by himself. I was proud of myself. I don't have any hopes that he's going to actually do something. He says that he knows, but knowing and doing are very different. I probably should pray about it more. When I'm angry with people, I tend to not pray for them at all. I'll have to work on that.

4. I love my new haircut!

5. My ex needs to think more. He did not want Elyssa to cut her hair. My opinion is that it's her hair and if she wants it shorter then she should be allowed to do it. He walked in and just gave her a goofy look - we all knew he was kidding, but I wanted him to lavish praise on her. When he took her bag outside (and she was inside), I kindly said, "Little girls need to hear from their fathers how beautiful they are!" (At least I hope it was kindly said!) He said he thought her hair was great. I said, "Then TELL HER!" I wanted to add STUPID but refrained. He did then start telling her how beautiful she looked. Sigh. Men!

6. I've lost a lot of weight. Look at these pictures! Can you see it in my face? I can. The cubs picture is from 2006.


7. I am very tempted to put my blog address on my facebook. I've kept it very private and have only let a few friends and some random strangers (who have become friends) read it. I want to be more transparent, but don't know if that's a good thing. I tend to write with lots of detail. Some people only allude to the details of their lives, but I put in every stinkin' one! Does everyone need to know what I'm thinking? Would I edit my thoughts more if I knew more people who knew me were reading? I'm just not sure about what to do.

8. I love my new haircut! (I know I already said it once. It just bears repeating!)

9. I am almost fully recovered from my appendectomy. But right now my belly is saying, "you've been sitting at the computer too long! It's time to get up!" So I guess that's enough updates!

10. OK - one more. It's got to be a round 10! I want to write more! I miss it!

11. I forgot! My brother got to come to my grandmother's funeral. Doesn't he look great!? He

gets out on September 4th. We're all very excited!

Hidden in Christ

Isn't it amazing how you can feel so far from God so quickly even though you KNOW He hasn't gone anywhere? You know what else is amazing? How quickly you can re-connect with Him. He's right there. Search for Him!

I picked up the Bible study that I'm doing. It's been quite awhile since I've looked at it. It's called "Seeing Yourself Through Christ's Eyes" by June Hunt and it's awesome. Today's was about the fact that we are hidden in Christ. Psalm 32:7 says "You are my hiding place; You will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance."

Because He hides His truth in you, you are protected from wrong thoughts and wrong choices. The adversary of your life has not power to trap you. . . as long as you stay hidden in the shelter of God's wings where you are safe from emotional destruction, hidden from emotional ruin. ~June Hunt

I forget to keep myself hidden in Christ. It takes work. I'm not saying you have to earn your way to be safe with Christ. That's not it at all. By God's sweet grace, we get to be close to Him because of what Jesus did for us on the cross. But it does take some effort on your part to stay close to Christ. He's not going to do it all. It reminds me of a story I heard a long time ago. A man and his wife were sitting in his truck. He was driving and she was sitting in the passenger seat. They drove past a young couple who were sitting right next to each other in their truck - she sitting in the middle while he drove with one arm around her back. The wife turned to her husband and said, "Why don't we ever sit like that any more? We used to do it all the time." The husband replied with, "I'm still in the same place I've always been. It's you who moved away."

Isn't that so much the picture of our relationship with God? It's true for me. He is always in the same place. It's me who moves away.

The verse I have at the top of my blog is from Proverbs 2. "and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find knowledge in God." We have to look and search. We can't be passive.

I know I've written about that before. How quickly I forget. How repeatedly I forget. Urgh. It's frustrating. Because when I'm close to God, everything seems to go more smoothly. I'm happier. I'm peaceful. Do you ever try to blame your distance on other things? I sure do. "I haven't been seeing my counselor as much lately. Home group has been taking a break for the summer. I haven't been to church in weeks due to the funeral and surgery." While those activities are very important in helping to stay connected to Him, it can't be the only things. The way to stay connected is by opening up His truth and working toward knowing Him better.

That's really all it took for me today. I started my tiny little Bible Study that I've put off for weeks. It's tiny! I spent maybe 15 minutes reading and thinking and writing and praying. And today has been a wonderful day. Peaceful. Good.

So if you feel like hounding me with some questions as to how much time I've spent with God, I wouldn't mind it a bit. I don't want to use you as yet another excuse - "no one asked me if I was doing anything!" - but I would love the accountability.

Go. Search for Him. He's closer than you think!

I Miss You

Abba Father -

I miss You. How can that be? You are right here all the time. It's me who turns the other way. I know my last few weeks have been full of trials, but why does that make me drift? I feel so lonely without Your constant presence, but the weird thing is that You're still here. It's me who is not. Is that why it is so strained between Elyssa and I? She's turning into a young woman before my eyes and I don't want to let go of my little baby. I want her to be too much like me and she's not me. She's not me at all. How do I let her be herself? Have I taught her the right things? Is there more that I should do? Is the divorce still hurting her in some way? She always cries when she comes home from her dad's but she won't really talk about it. What do I do?

Heal our hearts Lord. Heal us and make us whole.

Update

It's been a busy week. My 94 year old grandmother passed away on the 13th. We had her funeral on the 17th. It went really well. I started having abdomen pain that night. I knew it was serious somehow, but didn't want to go to the hospital down in Lake Jackson, Texas. So we drove home (7 hours) on the 18th and went straight to urgent care. They sent me straight to the hospital, which put me straight into surgery. I had to have my appendix out.

I was upset because I was supposed to leave for family camp with my church on the 20th. I actually got some tears when they told me I was going into surgery - not from the horrible pain I was in, but because I was going to miss family camp. When I was alone in radiology for a moment, I looked up and said, "God - I'm not sure why you're doing this, but I trust in You and Your plan and if You don't want me at family camp, then I'm not going." I got sent home on Saturday morning. They sure don't keep you in the hospital anymore for very long! I have a picture of my appendix, but I won't put it in here for you. I'm thinking the doctor gave it to me because Elyssa made me ask if we could just keep the appendix. I was glad he said no to that idea.

Monday morning my mom has to call 911 about my dad. I could go into the long details about his alcoholism, but I'll spare you. He went into the hospital on Monday afternoon. They are still doing tests on him, so we're not sure what's really going on. There were some blood pressure and blood sugar issues. He's been borderline diabetic for years, but won't take care of himself. I think there are some liver issues coming up now. I know he went a few days without drinking and then made up for it on the Friday I was in surgery. When I find out more, I'll let you know.

Please keep us in your prayers. We're all pretty messed up over here right now.

Mini Movie

I was playing with my movie maker and just thought this was too cute. Enjoy!

Books and the Duck Pond

Elyssa and I had a great day yesterday. We went to the library. I'd never taken her to the public library before - what's wrong with me? Oh, that's right. I was stuck at Barnes & Noble the past few years. With gas prices the way they are, we'll be going to the library more often. We had a great time! She loved it. We sat in there for a few hours just reading.

Then we went to feed the ducks. Our church put out a booklet thing for the summer with activities to do as a family with corresponding scripture. So we fed the ducks and then read Matthew 6:25-34 which tells us not to be anxious because look at how God takes care of the birds. It was awesome - great fun and awesome discussion about the things we worry about. Elyssa said it was the best day ever!

I found another book by the author of Eli. It's called The Wager. It's a modern day Job story. God and Satan make a bet about this movie star who is also a Christian. Satan does all this horrible stuff to the man. It's cool to read his struggle and see his rewards - a good reminder of the world's crap and God's wonderfulness. (Is that a word?)

Funny how I write about not being anxious as I sit here being anxious. I'm not really sure what it is exactly that I'm anxious about. I'm just feeling blah. Blah. I don't like myself right now but I'm not sure where that's coming from. I need to process through it, but all I want to do is go put a movie in so I don't have to think. Elyssa just went to her dad's too - maybe that's part of it?

Late Night Movies

Elyssa and I occasionally go to the movies late at night. We've done this three times now this summer. I'm not sure what the thrill is of the late night movie, but we love it. I decided pictures were needed.

Tonight we went to see Wall-E. Great movie! Go see my pictures on Facebook.

(I took the link off - I decided I didn't want random people to go there.)

Read This Book

What if Jesus came today? Who would love and follow Him? Who would kill Him?

At first the idea of this book made me uncomfortable. I'm not sure why - I was just unsure about what its purpose was. In his introduction, Bill Myers states that his purpose is to just make people think.

Thinking is good.

God at the Beach

Part 1
Elyssa and I are standing in the ocean looking out to the horizon. It's all blues and grays. There are some white puffy clouds in the sky and you can see for miles! I put my arm around her and say, "Look at how big that ocean is."

"Yeah, it's big Mommy."

"Look how small we are compared to that ocean."

"We're tiny!"

"Think about how big our God is who was able to create all of this!"

"Wow."

Silence.



Part 2
We're walking along the water, just looking at shells. There are a lot of dead crabs and we're wondering why there are so many. We see lots of little shells and some that look like snails - really long, skinny snails. There are millions of sand dollars. They are everywhere. But they are all broken pieces. I've never found a whole sand dollar before. I love the sand dollar - I love the legend of the sand dollar. I say a little prayer, "God - I'd love to find a whole sand dollar sometime."

We walk far down the beach and then we start back. We've picked up a few things - a couple of pretty shells, a few large broken sand dollars. Then I look down. Right there at my feet is a perfectly whole sand dollar. It's about the size of a quarter. Amazing.

"Elyssa! Look!"

"Wow, Mommy! It's not broken!"

"Elyssa, did you know this is God telling us He loves us?"

"How?"

"Whenever God puts something in our path that we love, He is putting it there on purpose just for us. I prayed awhile ago that we'd find a sand dollar, and look how He put one here for us! It's like God is saying, "I love you Erin and Elyssa. Look at what I made for you. Know that I love you."

"Wow."

Silence.

Search for Treasure

First a few "behind the scenes" before getting to my point:

Long ago, my home group leader asked our group to write how God sees us. I couldn't do it. This was months ago. But I couldn't look at myself the way I supposed that God looked at me. I knew the proper Christian answers, but didn't feel them - didn't hold them in my heart. Debbie gave me a devotional called Seeing Yourself Through God's Eyes. Of course I never did it. I flipped through it once, saw that it looked really good and then probably went and picked up a Star Wars novel. (OK - I don't know that for sure, but it's probably true.)

Last Sunday, Pastor Beau (who leads the Denton campus) gave a sermon. The whole way through it all, I just couldn't get his point. I understood what he was saying - I just didn't see what the big deal was. Which is EXACTLY why he was giving this sermon. It's kind of funny thinking on it now. But I know there are others who did not really understand what his point was. It truly was the last 5 minutes of his sermon where I went OH! I'll try to briefly make his point, which may be difficult for me to do. I tried explaining it already on the phone once and I'm not sure I got her to understand it any better.

He was using 1 Corinthians 15. In it, Paul reminds the church that Christ is the base of it all and we should never move away from that base - He died, was buried and rose from the dead. (A good preacher will always bring his sermon back to Christ in some way - it ALL leads to Him.) Paul attacks the false belief that Christ wasn't really dead. He reminds the readers that many people who saw Jesus after His death were still alive. (So during all of this, I'm like "yeah, I get it. Beau, move to the point please." Which is funny/ironic because I'm totally proving why this sermon needs to take place! Beau's point WAS JESUS!) Then Beau kind of camps out on verse 19: "If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men." He explained how some people who question whether it's all true say that it doesn't matter, they think they'd live the same way anyway because it's been a good life. But Paul is saying that if it's not all true, if there is no Christ, then he's wasted his life. Think about all the horrible things Paul went through. He's saying he's to be pitied if he did all of that for a false belief.

Beau's point was what would we say when we die, if we found out that it was all a lie? Beau is saying that we should, like Paul, be upset that we wasted our life. What have I done for Christ that would be a waste if He wasn't really the Savior? Have I done anything for Him? What is my focus? What have I given up for Christ? I'm not giving Him much time in my day. I don't make a concentrated effort to know Him better by diving into His word every day. I have no problem reading Star Wars expanded universe books for hours. So I'm not really giving up much for Him. That's where I long to improve. I've asked God many times to help me know Him better, to help me get up and spend time with Him. It never magically happens. I wonder why? (Read that with sarcasm - it's a rhetorical question my friends.)

That brings me back to the devotional that Debbie gave me. I'm good about starting devotionals and lousy about finishing them. I try to read through the Bible, but feel like I need more of a purpose than just reading it. So my counselor's suggestion was to pick one and do it. (Such profound advice!) So I picked up the book Debbie gave me. The first verse the book talks about is Proverbs 2:3-5

3 and if you call out for insight
and cry aloud for understanding,

4 and if you look for it as for silver
and search for it as for hidden treasure,

5 then you will understand the fear of the LORD
and find the knowledge of God.

Do you see verse 4? Read it again - if you look for it and search for it. I can pray all day long to know God better, but I have to look and search. We can't be passive here, people. We are to search out God's wisdom as if it were hidden treasure. And it is treasure! The best treasure of all.

That was a huge ah-ha moment for me. I've been passive about a lot of things in my life. I think things will just happen. It doesn't work that way. The things I want - I must search them out. I must work hard for them. I can't wait for it to just come! It's like how I let myself feel that my body will not change any more than it has. PASSIVE! I must search out the healthy lifestyle. I must search out the muscles by working them and pushing them harder. Knowing more about God is not going to just happen. PASSIVE! I must search His truths out and then I will know Him more.

Are you actively searching for Him?

Money. Blech.

So I did the stupid teeth thing on Wednesday. I thought I was going to die. It made my teeth VERY sensitive and I was afraid it would last forever. Thankfully they didn't bother me at all today. Now my 2 front fake teeth are a different color than the rest - which is good, that means it worked - but it'll be a few weeks before I get my new fake teeth. (Gosh - I sound like a hill-billy or something - "yeah ma, I'm a-gonna git them there new teeth next month! Ain't that just better than a pig . . . ?" OK, I'm out of hill-billy stuff. Moving on.) Plus there's the fact that I wonder if you can really tell a difference. I think if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't. Hindsight. Sigh.

Then I had to take my car in to the shop because the engine AND the brake lights were coming on. Yep, I'm a-gonna pay about $900 for that fix. So on top of the stupid expense of teeth bleaching AND the new teeth AND the beach vacation AND family camp, I get to shell out a ton for the car too. Yeah. Greatness!

Like I told my friend Rachel, I guess it's only money. I can handle a little debt.

I have something else to write about, but don't want to put it in a complaining post, so I'll start a new one.

The Light Blue Shirt

I went to Transform today. I proudly wore my light blue Connector shirt. What the heck is a connector, you ask? Well, let me tell you . . . I really have no idea.

Massive projects like this tend to have a certain degree of not being organized. It's just inherent in the whole idea of getting a bunch of strangers together to get some projects done. I'm totally OK with flexibility. But I wish I was better told what to do when everyone was getting there. They gave me two groups but the signs we were holding up - - - OK, this isn't going to make any sense without more details. I was given Yellow 5 and Orange 4. We were supposed to hold up these signs to help the volunteers find us. Then we were supposed to meet each other and what not - you know, connect! I was supposed to help facilitate all this connecting. Well, the signs only had one color on them and they only had the number 1 and number 2. So I chose not to hold a sign. I got the feeling from a couple in my group that I wasn't doing my job. So I held up a sign that said Orange 1. So of course Orange 1 people came to me only to find out I wasn't their leader. It was just dorky.

Then come to find out that the people in my groups were all home groups. So everyone knew everyone - - that's right, except ME! Ugh. This is just not my strength. Really. I wanted to turn in my blue shirt and run from the place screaming. But I chose to carry on. We got to our hallway and all got busy. We had a fun day of painting. I talked to quite a few people, but never did manage to "connect" anyone to anyone else. I seriously felt judged by this couple that I wasn't upholding the standard of the light blue shirt. Then I realized that the day was not about me and how comfortable I felt "upholding the standard of the light blue shirt." It was more about talking to people around me and painting trim for this under-privileged school. The point was to be Christ's hands and feet. I just let my hands and feet (and brain!) get in the way a little bit.

I'm sad to say that I never did talk to God when I was feeling this pressure from some random stranger. I wish I had. Thankfully, He was with me still.

I am going to ask to NOT be a Connector for the next two Transform dates. It's just not my thing. I want to go and be there and help, but not have the pressure of connecting others. I'm more of a behind the scenes girl. And that's totally OK. I guess I used to think it wasn't OK to be behind the scenes. I used to think that behind the scenes wasn't really serving God. It was doing stuff so other people could serve God. That's so totally FALSE! When working behind the scenes, I'm serving God by helping make things easier for other people to do their thing. It's something we should all remember I think.

Random Thoughts

Randomness - it's good to have some occasionally.

I ate chocolate cake at Outback tonight. I wish I hadn't. I'm still working with my nutritionist. I hit a snag back in February. I've lost like close to 30 pounds total, but I wasn't losing very quickly anymore so I kind of gave up and decided that it just wasn't going to happen for me. I was done. I'd lost as much as I'd ever lose. There's no way I'd ever lose anymore and I shouldn't even bother. Totally my defeatist "I'm not good enough" belief kicking in. So I'm doing another 3 months with her. But it's bugging me that I ate chocolate cake. It wasn't even that good! What a waste!

My other random thought has been forgotten now. Hmmmm. I wonder. Oh well. I'll make up something else. :-)

I wore different earrings tonight. I haven't put my studs back in since my post about earrings. I wore some dangle ones and they didn't bother me too badly. They actually made me feel pretty girly, which is quite a change to how I usually feel.

Now it's bugging me that I can't remember what I was going to write about. OH. I just remembered. Ha. Are you laughing at me yet?

OK - I have to get my front teeth replaced. Yep, that's right. I have two fake teeth up front. I fell off my bike when I was a kid and chipped them really badly. I've had all kinds of fake teeth since I was 7 years old. But never any that I could take out. That would have been FUN! So this black line is showing up around one of them. I've never had that before. I bet you've seen someone like that. I've had fake teeth for about 30 years and that's never happened to me. I don't like it much. It's kind of vain to get them fixed - it's really expensive, but my smile is kind of a big deal to me. So - I'm spending the money. The even bigger vain thing is that I'm going to go ahead and get my teeth bleached before getting my two new ones. The veneers don't bleach so I can never do any whitening to my teeth. I feel a little guilty about it, but am at the same time very excited to see how white my teeth will get. That's vain, right? The money could be put to better use than just my teeth, but teeth are important too. AUGH.

So this post has absolutely no point. There's no big lesson learned. There's no insight that can be ascertained from my writing. Ha. But you keep reading. It reminds me of this shirt at Target that I saw tonight. It's this whole paragraph about why you're standing there reading this t-shirt and don't you have anything better to do. But it's too late now, you have to keep reading and aren't you glad you're now at the bottom. It made me giggle. But it calls the reader a loser and a big idiot and I don't feel like wearing that.

OK - I'm done. That's 3 minutes you'll never get back.

AUGH - and my dog has fleas! YUCK! That grosses me out. I did the frontline today and want to keep him outside until tomorrow but he just sits at the door and barks. He feels very unloved when we leave him outside. So Elyssa just begged me to let him in. Maybe the fleas are already poisoned and are dying on him right now. It's so gross! He's such a good dog. Have I put a picture of him on here yet? Well, here's one, just in case.

Summer Goals

Summer - no work. It's the greatest thing ever! But I refuse to waste my entire summer. So how about some goals for the next (almost) three months. These are not in any special order:

1. Get involved in Transform (already did - will be a connector for all three dates.)
2. Find another serving opportunity at church (already did - will do show control along with my parking job already)
3. Do 3 more months with my nutritionist
4. Work out every day - no excuse since I'm not working
5. Get Elyssa exercising more
6. Get involved with serving food to the homeless
7. Volunteer at my church's office when I don't have Elyssa
8. Find a time to spend with God every day - no excuses

I may add more to this. But that's it for now.

Earrings

So, I mentioned an earring story in my last post.

A few weeks ago I was at a training for school. I was walking out to my car, carrying my folder and trying to call my teammate Rachel to let her know I was headed back to school. Somehow I flipped the folder just right and knocked my diamond stud out of my ear.

These earrings were given to me by my ex for my 30th birthday. I love them. They are the only earrings I ever wear. I don't like dangling earrings. I just wear my studs. I only take them out to clean them.

So, I start looking for the earrings on the ground. Of course, I immediately find the back. Ugh. I'm walking around with my head to the ground. 3-4 people pass by me on their way to their cars. Not one offers to help me look. Surely it's obvious that I'm looking for something and not doing some crazy dance. Anyway. . .

I don't panic right away. One of the first things I did was pray, "God, please help me find my earring." I keep trying to tell myself, "it's just an earring. It's just a thing. It's no big deal. Don't cry. Yes, it's a diamond, but it's just a thing - it'll be OK if it's lost forever...."

Then, out of the blue, this insane thought stumbles through my head, "But if the earring is really lost, then the marriage is really over!" Instantly I shoved that thought away as craziness and pretended I didn't just think the weirdest thing ever. I mean, come on! I've been divorced for 4 years now. Of course it's over. Duh. I don't even like the guy like that anymore - how could I even think that?

Finally a nice woman stops to help me and the concerned construction worker (who had been watching me the entire time) offered to help. He asked if I looked under the car. I had not. There it was - right by my tire. I thanked them and got in my car. This is when the tears started. Serious waterworks.

I was told by my counselor to write about this little episode. I've been avoiding it for weeks. But I meet with her again tomorrow and have to have something. She also told me to take the earrings out. I did take them out - for a week. But they are back in right now. I shouldn't be wearing them - I'm too attached to them. I'm going to go take them out again. Back in a second.

OK - I've got them out again. I hate not wearing them. (I'm also avoiding the point of this writing.)

OK - so that thought. Where did it come from? It's not that I miss the ex. It's not even that I'm dying to be in a relationship right now. I'm comfortable where I am. I'm OK being alone. I've made peace with where I am right now. It's the first time that I feel OK with it all. So why the weird random thought? My counselor said something about the loss of the dream. That the earrings still represented my belief in the dream of what was to be and that losing one earring would shatter that dream even more. It's a good point. Obviously I'm still grieving the loss of the marriage - not him - just marriage in general. I still believe I shouldn't be a divorced woman. Can it be that I haven't accepted it yet? I kept the earrings out for at least a week, but missed them. It's weird to miss earrings. I never notice them when they are in, but totally notice when they are not in.

The marriage is over. I belong to only God right now. Maybe someday He has a man planned for my life, but for now it's just me and Him and Elyssa. Maybe the thought was put there so that I'd acknowledge the truth that is my life right now? I am divorced. It's where He has me. It's not ideal, but based on the choices I made, it's where I ended up. God can still use me for great things. I'm His to use as He wants. Pastor Matt always talks about leaving our hands open. Maybe this whole earring fiasco was to see if my hands were open. Are they open or closed around the earrings? They're mostly open, but I'll prove that better if I keep the earrings out of my ears. Mostly open is not really open, is it? And it's not really earrings that I've got my hands gripped around. They just represent something bigger. I've got to open my hands. I'm closing my fists around where I think I should be instead of opening my hands and accepting that I'm where I'm supposed to be. I'm supposed to be divorced? I guess I am. I'm supposed to be a single mom? I am. I'm supposed to be alone and not dating? Right now, I am.

This posts is kind of rambly (is rambly a word?) but I'm leaving it the way it is. That's why I'm supposed to be writing. Even the rambling gets me somewhere. My hands must stay open.

Lord God - help me keep my hands open. I'm Yours and Yours alone. Yours - with open hands.

Summer!

Yea! School's over. Almost three months off! Sigh. Maybe I'll even have time to write again.

We had Star Wars Day again on June 3rd. It was our third annual celebration - very cool. I went as Queen Amidala this year. It's what she wears at the very end of Episode I. A parent of a 4th grader made my costume for me. Amazing! My two team-mates went in my old costumes. They never complained once - I love it that they give that day to me. Very cool.

Oh - and I forgot to tell you - WE GOT INTO FAMILY CAMP! God answers prayers. We're so excited!

What else is going on? My house is a wreck. I'm exhausted. I have an interesting earring story to tell, but I'll do that tomorrow. I'm too tired. I've also got this weird bug that I swear is following me around the house. He/She/It was in the shower with me yesterday. It's some kind of fly, but it looks kind of scary. It's got weird shaped wings. I wanted to call it a dragon fly - but there really is such a thing as a dragon fly. . . and it doesn't look like that. It's hanging out with me right now, just flying around. Hmmmm. Wonder what's up with the scary looking fly?

Seriously, if I'm writing about flies, I think it's time for bed.

Confession

My pastor talked about faith tonight. One thing he said was "Habitual sin is a lack of faith. Laziness is a lack of faith. Refusing to engage with your neighbors is a lack of faith." How does Pastor Matt know? How does he know what's going on in my life all the time?

I was asked to go eat with with some people I don't really know in person on Saturday to celebrate this really nice guy's birthday. I know them only through this very blog. I was filled with fear. Going to meet people I don't know is an agonizing and horrendous idea to me. It's never that feeling when I'm first asked. Well, that's not true. The feeling is there but I pretend that it is not. But upon reflection, I am filled with fear. I can't do it. I don't know what to say. They won't like me.

I did this when I first tried to meet with my home group. It took a few months to force myself to meet these people who have nothing but love for me.

So I didn't go on Saturday and I'm sorry.

Lack of faith. Jesus is the one who ties these strangers to me. I care about them and have never met most of them. They already care about me. I believe the lies of Satan instead of stepping out in faith that Jesus will be there with me too.

There are many times I will not answer the phone when it's someone I know, but not well, and I think they are going to ask me to do something. How crazy is that? I won't know what to say. I won't know what to do. I won't be what they think I am. Lies - all lies from the master liar.

As my counselor would say, I'm being a pawn for Satan. I'm allowing him to lead me around instead of telling him to shove it and following my Savior.

So with tears in my eyes, I offer my apologies. If you ask me again, I will do my best to not let Satan's lies hold me back.

Lucy and Aslan

Elyssa and I saw Prince Caspian last night. It's a good movie, but they change too much from the book and that annoys me. I know they have to do it sometimes or else the movie would be 14 hours long. I'd rather have the 14 hour movie. They just changed the order of some things and added stuff. It's still a good movie. Maybe I just need to see it again.

But what I loved was how Lucy sees Aslan and her face lights up and she runs to him and throws her arms around him. That's how I want to be with Jesus. But I hold myself back - I'm sure it's because of my lack of worthiness feeling. I like that she has no hesitation. She doesn't feel like she's intruding. She feels comfortable and free.

I want that too.

Battlefield

I read this the other day and was brought up short. I don't want to be a pawn of Satan! I do not want to be separated from my glorious King by the little "nothings" in life.

The Gentle Slope to Nothing

Screwtape reveals Nothing:

The Christians describe the Enemy as one 'without whom Nothing is strong'. And Nothing is very strong: strong enough to steal away a man's best years not in sweet sins but in a dreary flickering of the mind over it knows not what and knows not why, in the gratification of curiosities so feeble that the man is only half aware of them, in drumming of fingers and kicking of heels, in whistling tunes that he does not like, or in the long, dim labyrinth of reveries that have not even lust or ambition to give them a relish, but which, once chance association has started them, the creature is too weak and fuddled to shake off.

You will say that these are very small sins; and doubtless, like all young tempters, you are anxious to be able to report spectacular wickedness. But do remember, the only thing that matters is the extent to which you separate the man from the Enemy. It does not matter how small the sins are provided that their cumulative effect is to edge the man away from the Light and out into the Nothing. Murder is no better than cards if cards can do the trick. Indeed the safest road to Hell is the gradual one—the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts.

—from The Screwtape Letters by C. S. Lewis

I'm working with my counselor right now on taking control of my mind. It is a spiritual battlefield and I have not been fighting it very well.

You've all read in Ephesians about putting on the armor of God. I got a vision and wished I could draw what I see in my head. Maybe I'll try drawing it someday.

Ephesians 6:10-18

10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

2Corinthians 10:4-5

4The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. 5We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

I've heard this all before, but I forget too easily. I want to remember! I know that part of my problem (a HUGE part) is that I'm not in God's word every day. I have to do that. It's why I forget. I don't have the weapons to fight Satan with. I wonder why I don't have those weapons. For some reason, I can read a Star Wars book in a few days but just don't have time to read my Bible. Hmmmm. Call me crazy, but that's a pretty lame excuse. Where are my priorities?

Pastor Matt always asks, "What stirs your affections for Christ? Do those things! What robs you of your affections for Christ? Stay away from those things!"

I've been reading a lot lately (for the last 2 months!) and not writing because I'm at a point with my counselor where I'm supposed to be looking at and acknowledging that deep pain that we all know is down there. I just don't want to find it. I say I don't really know what it is, but I think I do. I just don't want to expose it even though I know that's the only way to heal it. To me, that specific pain is pointless and selfish and childish and I should just get over it. But - that's called NOT taking my thoughts captive and making them obedient to Christ. I'm not seeing myself as Christ sees me. I'm falling into my core belief that I'm not valuable enough or worthy enough to be loved. That's why I need God's armor.

Final thing: a prayer request. My church goes to Family Camp each year in Arkansas at Shepherd of the Ozarks. I deeply want to go. I am number one on the waiting list. The owner guy said that the probability of us getting to go is VERY high because there are always cancellations. Please pray that it works out that Elyssa and I can go. There are two reasons I want to go so badly. First of all, this is a way for me to make some more connections with people at my church. I still feel like I don't know very many people. The other reason is that I desperately want Elyssa to be surrounded by some Godly men. I want her to see how a Godly man acts and how he treats his family and how he prays and how he serves. I didn't get to see much of that growing up or in my marriage. I have a profound desire for Elyssa to see that. Thanks!

Ahhh. . . it feels good to be writing again! :-)

I'm Back!

I've decided that I'm hiding out from something. I haven't been writing. I've only been reading, and not reading anything that's going to improve me in any way. I'm just doing what I always do - go hide in my room and read. So what's my deal? Hmmmm. I don't know. But I've got to start making time for me again. I need to clear out the cobwebs that are forming up there.

Life is good. School is almost over! Three more full weeks and then I'm off for almost 3 months! I can't wait. But I will be doing more for God's kingdom this summer instead of just sitting on my tush. I've got plans. I'll let you know so you can hold me accountable.

Check back soon.

Hmmmm

I'm not doing so well in the blogging world. I've got lots of thoughts but no time. Sorry! Someday I'll write again.

Screwtape Letters

In case you are unfamiliar, C.S. Lewis authored some letters written by a demon named Screwtape to his nephew, Wormwood. In them, Screwtape is teaching Wormwood how to be a better demon. The following just hit me in the heart.

To anticipate the Enemy's strategy, we must consider His aims. The Enemy wants to bring the man to a state of mind in which he could design the best cathedral in the world, and know it to be the best, and rejoice in the fact, without being any more (or less) or otherwise glad at having done it than he would be if it had been done by another. The Enemy wants him, in the end, to be so free from any bias in his own favor that he can rejoice in his own talents as frankly and gratefully as in his neighbor's talents - or in a sunrise, an elephant, or a waterfall. He wants each man, in the long run, to be able to recognize all creatures (even himself) as glorious and excellent things. He wants to kill their animal self-love as soon as possible; but it is His long-term policy, I fear, to restore to them a new kind of self-love - a charity and gratitude for all selves, including their own; when they have really learned to love their neighbors as themselves, they will be allowed to love themselves as their neighbors. For we must never forget what is the most repellent and inexplicable trait in our Enemy; He really loves the hairless bipeds He has created and always gives back to them with His right hand what He has taken away with His left.

Apples

There's that thing out there that you want. It may be something small. It may be something huge. But we are not allowed that thing at this point in our lives for whatever reason God has. He is denying it to us and we hate being denied. We want it. We feel like He is keeping us from joy. I know you've felt that way before; we all have.

Elyssa and I have been listening to the Radio Plays of The Chronicles of Narnia lately. They are from Focus on the Family and are really good. They follow the books almost exactly. Being a voracious reader, I always want the book and movie (or radio play) to match up as closely as possible.

I love The Chronicles of Narnia. Each time I read them (or listen to them), I am overcome with the symbolism. I'm moved to tears quite often. Today, we were listening to the part in The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe where Aslan is killed - huge tears came to my eyes when they were tying him up, beating him and shaving his mane. He just took it, with love. It was hard and it hurt, but he did it for Edmund. Just like Jesus did it for all of us. Beautiful.

Have you read the first one? It's called The Magicians Nephew. It tells about how Narnia was created. In it, Diggory Kirke (who later becomes Professor Kirke in LWW) has a sick mother. He is sent by Aslan to get an apple from a tree far away. When he gets there, the tree is surrounded by a high wall with a gate. The message on the gate says:

Come in by the gold gates or not at all,
Take of my fruit for others or forbear,
For those who steal or those who climb my wall
Shall find their heart's desire and find despair.

Diggory goes in to get the apple - he'd been invited by Aslan and of course used the gate. He plucks an apple and puts it in his pocket. The he hears a soft voice behind him. It's Jadis (who later becomes the White Witch in LWW). She's climbed over the wall and has eaten an apple. And she finds her heart's desire - she feels strength and eternal youth pour into her. She tempts Diggory with the apple, telling him to take it to his sick mother because it will make her well. It's all he's wanted - it's his heart's desire to see his mother get well. But Diggory realizes that his mother would not want him to lie or steal just to make her well so he takes the apple back to Aslan. He admits to Aslan that he was tempted. Aslan assures him that his mother would have gotten well, but that she would have hated her life. He says that the witch is already figuring out that length of days with an evil heart is only length of misery. He says, "All get what they want; they do not always like it."

Then Aslan asks Diggory to pluck an apple for his mother and to take it to her! Diggory gets his heart's desire on Aslan's timetable, not his own. If he had gotten it when he wanted it, it would have been horrible. He waited and it was worth it.

We have to remember that - God's time line is perfect. He knows best. We just have to believe it.

It's been kind of a hard few days for me. I want something right now. There are times when I get down and feel like it's being denied to me out of spite. Like God's keeping it from me because He wants me to suffer. Everyone else is getting what I want. He must be keeping it from me because I'm not good enough or I've done something wrong. I need a good swift kick in the butt so that I can realize how ludicrous that is! God knows best. He knows how much I want a man in my life. It's not the right time right now. The desire doesn't go away; maybe that means it is placed there by Him and it will be fulfilled at some point. God knows. I have to have faith.

I have two friends in my home group who send these devotionals out every once in awhile. If the devotional speaks to their heart, they send them on. I can't tell you how many times it is exactly what I needed to hear at that very moment. Well, I've been wanting to post this thing about The Magician's Nephew for quite a few days, but just haven't had time. Today I'm struggling more with my apple than I have in awhile. (I just want a date. Is that so bad? But God knows my heart - it's more than just a date that I want and I'm not ready for that yet. Drat.) Lisa sent a devotional today. Can you guess what it's about? It's about Eve and the apple in the garden of Eden. Please click here and read it for yourself.

I want my apple. It's denied to me right now, but that's because God knows it's not quite ripe for me yet. When the time is right, I'll get my apple.

You'll get yours someday too. God has promised.

Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." (NLT)

Ephesians 2:10, "For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." (NLT)

NOT Stagnant

My counselor got onto me about the Stagnant post a few days ago. What she said made sense. I keep talking down to myself, like there's something wrong with me because I'm not getting some fundamental truth at this moment. It's feeding right into my issue of not being worthy of things - not being good enough.

I am getting stuff. I am growing in my relationship with Christ. I am! Sometimes it's not moving as quickly as I think it should, but I'm going at the pace that God has me going. I'm in His hands on His timetable - not my own. It's not a race. It's a journey.

Anyway, I just thought I'd share that I'm not stagnant and I will do my best to quit complaining in that way.

But don't worry - - I'm sure I'll find other ways to complain. :-)

Easter Eggs!

We had a quick egg hunt when Elyssa finally got home. She's so cute.





And here's me - It's the first picture where I can actually tell that I've lost weight. It makes me feel good - and is making me stop eating those stupid Peeps! My gosh - what is it about those horrible things?

Darn It

So Elyssa's dad just told me he's not going to get her home in time to go to church with me. In the grand scheme of life, it's not that big of a deal I suppose. But I wanted my daughter to go to church with me on Easter. I mean, it's not really with me since she goes to Kid's Village and I go to the main service, but still.

I guess I need to keep in mind that it's not like Easter is the only time we go to church each year, right? So really it's not that big of a deal. Right? Yeah, I need some convincing. Sigh. I hate divorce. I hate sharing a kid. I hate sharing holidays. I hate that their big happy family is all together and I'm by myself. Again. On a holiday. I'm supposed to have my daughter with me.

On another note, I'm reading a Star Wars book and one of the Jedi is named Eelysa. That's got to be pronounced the same as my daughter, correct? That's kind of cool.

And I've been spending some time writing about my wounded inner child sitting with God and having a conversation. It's pretty cool. I may have to post this one - it's not as intimate as my adult self sitting with God. I'll think about it.

Sorry to rant and rave and pout on a special day. I was overcome with sadness there for a bit. But Elyssa and I can talk about the meaning behind this special day when she gets home tonight. It doesn't HAVE to be at church. I hope you all have had time to reflect on what our great Savior did for us today.

He lives!

All I Need

From The Search for Significance Devotional Journal:

Here I am for You to help me see what my most basic needs are so that I will know that You are the source for all I need. Help me this day not to give in to the temptation to find those answers anywhere else.

Stagnant

That's how I feel. I'm stuck. There's something I'm not getting - something I'm not doing right. There's something I need to learn or something I need to accept and I just can't seem to get there.

It's sounds hokey but I'm supposed to be envisioning my inner child going up to God the Father and allowing Him to love me. I'm struggling with that. The question I'm supposed to be answering is why am I struggling with getting there? What's holding me back?

It's going to take me admitting that my childhood wasn't perfect. I mean, no one's childhood was perfect. But mine lacked something fundamental and I'm having a hard time accepting that. My parents loved me. But somewhere along the way, I accepted as truth that I wasn't very important. Everyone deserves more attention than me. Everyone needs it more than me. But I'm learning that I actually needed it too. That little girl always went into her room and read a book because there was so much drama out with everyone else. Don't get me wrong - I'm not putting blame on my parents. They did what they could. It's not their fault so much as it is just something that I needed that I didn't get. It still happens now. My parents don't come down to my house anymore. My grandmother is too old and going downhill. Once again, someone else is more important than me. I think my dad tries to make up for it like he used to. He's getting some work done on my house - it's getting repainted, the wood is getting replaced. I'm paying for new flower beds. We're getting a new fence. I need those things - my fence is about to fall over. Seriously, a tree is holding it up on one side. But what I want more than the outside of my house being pretty is that my family would want to spend time with me - down here at my house. We always go there.

Then I struggle with feeling badly because my grandmother is 94 years old. Doesn't she deserve the extra time and effort? But I think what I'm supposed to see is that I deserve the time and effort too. Don't I?

My counselor says that I have to get that within myself. My value doesn't come from outside - it comes from God and God alone. It's funny how I'm 37 years old and I'm still wanting to feel important to my parents. It's all I've wanted - to feel important to someone. That's why I want a man - I want a man to make me feel important. But that's just grasping at air. It's not going to fill me up. I constantly doubt my value to all who claim to care about me. Do they really? It's not them. It's me. I don't think I have value so I can't accept it from others. Does that make sense?

It's funny how I'll think I have that core belief beaten back, but it's still there. The value of Erin.

Please don't leave me a comment with how valuable you think I am or how much value I have in Christ. That's not what I'm looking for at all. It's me who has to think I'm valuable. It's me who has to do it. It's me who has to see my worth in Him. You telling me doesn't make me believe it any better. You can just pray for me - that I'll get it - that I'll learn it. Pray that I'll believe it so I can get on with my life and be what He wants me to be.