If making achievements and gaining approval are our primary means for obtaining self-worth, we will tenaciously hold to them until we are absolutely convinced that only God's love and acceptance of us can ultimately meet this need.I don't want to be a rottweiller holding tight to a lie. I want the freedom of His grace.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Not a Rottweiller
Monday, December 24, 2007
Feelings Don't Matter
Anyway, I'm re-reading The Search for Significance and doing the study in the back. It starts with self-worth, which is what I'm lacking somehow. Not prideful, full of yourself, self-worth. The author describes it like this: "True self-worth, unlike pride, is not based on an evaluation of our performance." I am constantly evaluating my performance and always falling short. Impossible expectations.
I read the promises of God and to be perfectly honest, they sometimes just feel like words to me. I'll catch myself thinking, "Well, Paul wrote this but he wasn't really talking about me too. It's for everyone else or it's just for him." That's horrible, I know. It's like I'm not accepting that all scripture is God breathed. It's like I'm choosing to not believe a fundamental truth - a basic truth - a cornerstone.
On a related topic, I don't let myself feel a lot of the time. It's like I don't let the feelings come to the surface because I don't like them. So I just stuff them down and hope they don't come up again. But they always do. And I won't ever be free until I allow myself to really feel the crap. I think my feelings are stupid - I'm told they're not, but I still think they are. But they are just feelings.
And this is what I read that blew my mind:
You may feel very happy and thankful {after reading God's truths}, you may be overwhelmed with the magnitude of God's love, or you may be thinking, This can't be true. I don't feel like this at all. That's okay. It's better to be honest and feel pain than to deny it and try to convince yourself that you are happy. Remember, your feelings are not the basis of truth. God's Word is our authority. What He says is true, whether or not we feel it. The more we understand God's Word and live by it, the more our feelings will reflect His character and love.I'm trying to focus on that right now. It doesn't matter how I feel - the truth never changes. What God says is true, whether I feel it or not. That comforts me a little. I want to feel it, but for now, logically knowing that no matter what, His promises are true - that helps.
I think my next post will be about why I don't believe. That should be great fun. sigh.
Monday, December 10, 2007
What's The Feeling?
It's the first time I started to cry in counseling. It's funny how tough I think I have to be. I may be crying on the inside, but you'll not see it. You'll see me laughing. I wonder how many of you can see the tears under the laughter? Anyway, I digress....
The feeling I had could only be explained as an emptiness. I wasn't sure if that was the kind of word she was looking for, but that's the only way I could describe it. She told me to focus on the feeling so that I could recognize it next time. Then I could tell Satan I wasn't going to believe his crap any more.
Friday night I went to the Stars game with my good friend Rachel and her roommate. They were both in the front seat and I was in the back. Both of them were texting boys. I didn't have anyone to text and that feeling came roaring in - empty, empty, empty. All of a sudden, I recognized the feeling for what it was and quietly told Satan to get the hell out of the car! It was just kind of cool to realize what was coming and nip it before it got a hold of me. I prayed for a few minutes, asking God to keep me from believing Satan's lies.
Hopefully I'll continue to see it for what it is and not fall for the trap.
Sunday, December 09, 2007
Quick Question
I know we all like hearing the "dirt" in other people's lives - you can try to deny it, but you know it's true! :-) But is it good for the dirty person to spread all their dirt out there? I know I feel good getting it out. But does that make it right?
Know what I just noticed? I'm worrying about what other people think. AUGH! Who cares if you think it's a good idea. I like writing this way, so I'm gonna keep doing it!
and so ends another moment in the brain of Erin. . . . aren't you so glad you stopped by?
Briefly Free
Anyway, in church my heart did this little thing. I can't explain it really - but I'll try. It felt like an openness. I guess it was just freedom - release. It wasn't empty - just open. But something immediately clamped back down and the feeling was gone. I'm not beating myself up about the fact that it went away so quickly. I've been locked down for 36 years. It's not going to happen right away. But feeling it so briefly makes me want to feel it again.
Is it a trust issue? I don't know. I'm sure it's tied to my feeling of having no value. As my counselor would say, I'm believing Satan's lie over God's truth.
FYI - My temptation is returning from out of the country in one week. We've been IMing a lot. We've made plans to go out again. I want to. Very much. But maybe I shouldn't. But I want to. Very much. Intellectually I know he's a temptation because he likes me. He makes me feel worthy. Intellectually I know that that's not where I get my worthiness. But my heart wants to go out because he makes me feel beautiful and I like it. Augh!
The Answers
3263827 - The garbage smasher everyone is trapped in. Luke yells this number to C3PO.
94 - the docking bay that the Millennium Falcon is in on Tatooine.
r2 - R2D2 (duh!)
17000 - the number of credits that Obi Wan will pay Han Solo to take them to Alderaan.
1138 - Leia's cell on the Death Star.
2 - 2 meters is how big the exhaust port is on the Death Star. Luke says he used to bullseye womp rats back home, and they're not much bigger than 2 meters.
12 - 12 parsecs is how fast the Falcon made the Kessel Run.
.5 - The Falcon can go .5 past lightspeed. (That's pretty fast!)
52577 - Release date of the first movie - May 25, 1977
Don't ya just love it?
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Ah-Ha!
Spiritual growth is not magic. It comes as we apply the love and forgiveness of Christ in our daily circumstances. It comes as we reflect on the unconditional acceptance of Christ and His awesome power and choose to respond to situations and people in light of His sovereign purpose and kindness towards us.But I've never really thought about how I respond to myself! I'm horrible to myself usually. I try hard not to respond horribly to others, but have no problem responding horribly to myself. It was just an ah-ha moment.Search for Significance (p. 121)
I loved reading in black and white that spiritual growth is not magic.
God's showing His love for me over and over. I got this in an email today from Pastor Matt's weekly email:
I got tears in my eyes. Right now while I'm writing this - God love me. He knows all my crap, and He loves me still. Awesome!
I was reading Matthew 7:9-11 last night. It says,
"Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!"
I know this text sounds simple. It's simple but it's significant. I enjoy giving gifts to my children, Audrey and Reid. It brings me an immense amount of joy to watch them laugh and get excited. The reason I love giving, though, is because I love them. Jesus is saying that if we know how to give gifts out of love—we, who have sin in our lives—how much more must God, who has no sin, be able to love us?
Now, I don't want us to get sidetracked talking about gifts. It's the love that's significant. It is out of His love for us that He gives good gifts. How profound. He loves you. Right now you are reading this email and the God of the universe loves you, knows your hurts, doubts, frustrations and joys and loves you. Think on that for a few minutes.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
How Well Do You Know Star Wars?
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Downward Spiral
A friend I love dearly is in the micro-beginnings of a maybe relationship. It's not that I'm jealous - OK, maybe it is that I'm jealous. But it's not the jealous like when you don't want good things to happen for others or when you think badly of them or whatever. You know what I mean? I love the excitement I see on her face. I love the way she is letting God be in charge. She is one who deserves this more than anyone I know. I guess it's the jealous of why can't I? So I go from hearing that to I wonder why she didn't tell me earlier (I must not be that good of a friend) to why can't I (I'm just not good enough for someone to like me) to crying in the car (I'm hopeless) to yelling at my daughter (I'm sure somewhere thinking I'm not a good mother) to slamming doors. . . and down down down.
It all goes to that stupid core belief I have that I'm not valuable or worthy to be loved. (Funny how I had just shared with my home group that I felt like my light bulb was really flickering on that subject. And wrote about it with such confidence last night. Ha.)
So, my counselor says when I do this, I'm believing Satan's lie over God's truth. I don't want to believe Satan's lie. He really knows how to lay it on though, doesn't he? He knows exactly what to do to me. He knows exactly what will push the "not worthy" button and he goes for it with gusto.
What bothers me the most is that I feel like I'm just not getting some point that will help me turn the corner. I know it's a process. But I feel like I should be farther along the road than I am. Why do I continue to fail in this? I mean, I suppose the fact that I recognize it as an asinine downward spiral with no merit whatsoever is a good thing. I guess that shows some progress - but all I feel is the failure of not getting it. What I need right now is to just pick myself up yet again, spend some time with my Savior and remind myself of His truth.
He's the only one who can get my light bulb turned back on.
Saturday, December 01, 2007
Flickering Is Good
- I met with my nutritionist lady to evaluate my progress in the last month. How the scale works to give all this info is beyond my comprehension, but here's the breakdown - 5 pounds lost, but 5 pounds of muscle gained; 15 inches total lost; almost 3% body fat lost. Everyone I tell gets much more excited than me. I don't think I look that different. All I know is my pants fit better. :-) And I focus on the parts I don't like more than the parts that were already OK. Anyway - it's definitely progress.
- My counselor told me to focus on the fact that Christ is IN me. He's not just in the same room. He's not just beside me - He's closer than that. He is within my very soul. I know you've heard that since you were a kid - Jesus is in your heart. But have you ever really stopped to comprehend it? He's in there. IN. It's been a bit eye-opening. Then I listened to a sermon from Matt talking about the indisputable power of Christ. Demons never got a chance to argue with Him. He said, "Go." They went. Some of the demons even asked Him, "Are You here to kill us early?" They knew His power. A storm is raging and the disciples - fishermen who are used to the sea - are quaking in fear. It must have been a heck of a storm! Jesus says, "Stop." And the ocean goes calm immediately. So this power - it's in me! What do I have to fear? Of course, I'm not saying that I could make a storm go away. Heck - I can't even make a mosquito go away! But His power is IN me. And if you're a believer - He's in you too!
- My kids at school are fun to watch when they are just about to understand something new. You can see the light bulb flickering over their heads. The moment that the light bulb turns all the way on - that's what makes being a teacher worthwhile. It is the greatest thing to witness. You can see the light shooting out of their eyes; it makes me smile. I feel like that a lot of times -like my light bulb is flickering over my head. I almost understand/believe/trust the depth of Jesus' love for me. Every once in awhile, it burns so brightly that I get tears. But then it goes to flickering again. I used to worry about that - like, why wasn't I getting it already? But I'm learning that it's a process. I probably won't get it - my light bulb won't turn on - until I'm standing there with Him. I'm learning that's OK. Just flickering is just fine.
- I'm reading The Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee. One little mantra that I'm memorizing is : I am deeply loved, completely forgiven, fully pleasing, totally accepted by God and complete in Christ. I've spent so much of my life trying to meet some self-created standards so that others will love me. I've been stuck for so long thinking that I wasn't good enough for God to love me. Duh! Right? He loves me anyway. He loved me while I was still a sinner. I'll never be good enough - no one will ever be good enough. That's the awesome thing about God. He loves me anyway.
- I'm going to end with words that are not my own. I read my pastor's wife's blog today and LOVED her thoughts. I'd link you to it, but don't really know her personally and don't want to do a random link to someone else's blog without permission. She was writing about having a hope and that hope not being met. She said it so well, I'm just going to paste it here. (Lauren - if you're reading - hope that's OK!)
Hope Deferred by Lauren
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12
There is a hope I'm holding onto right now that is currently deferred. In a sense, I am left in the waiting room with legs crossed, bouncing the top one to the rhythm of the sadly mediocre music. I'm flipping through the magazines gazing at the pictures and articles but not really taking them in. My mind is elsewhere. My mind is on the "what if" rather than the what is.
In the midst of the waiting and the hoping, the verse above ran through my mind like the unending pleas of my 2-year-old for "cake, Mommy, cake!" It was as if the Lord was saying "Lauren, pay attention. Turn yourself towards me. Hear what I have to say. Hear what MY desire is for you."
So I turned and this is what I heard.
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life."
Okay. I get it. My heart feels sick because my hope is deferred. And when I get what I want, I'll be happy. Makes sense. No grand revelation here.
But...(a very beautiful "but" I might add)...is there a place I can put my hope that it is never deferred? Sure, I may not get what I think I want or need...but is there something better I can get?
And Psalm 42:5 answered me...
"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God."
Indeed, there is a better hope. There is a place I can put my hope that is never deferred. Though I may not get what I think I want or need, instead I get Him. He is a hope that is never deferred.