If I just keep saying "I don't want to go back yet," will it stay summer vacation longer?
:-)
I want to write more. But not at 10:00 when I'm still trying to get the kid in bad (AUGH!) and want to get up early to run in the morning. (Don't get the wrong idea - when I say "run" I mean "walk really fast and try to jog occasionally.")
Life is good. Thank you Abba Father for joy. Life is good!
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
Cardboard Testimonies
Someone sent me a link to this a long time ago, but for some reason I never watched it. It's very moving. You may have seen it already, but if not enjoy! I cried during most of it. Let God speak to you as you watch. I'm working on what my cardboard testimony might be. I'll post it soon and will want you to think about yours and share if you'd like.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Surrender
I've made some incredible progress this year in opening up my tightly closed fists and letting God take control of some areas. For example, I've hated the fact that I've been single. I didn't like where God had me and didn't like how He was taking care of that area of my life. I've really worked with Him and allowed Him to open my fist around my singleness. I'm pretty content - not perfectly content by any means, but content. I've got my hands pretty much open and trusting that God has control. And I know His plan is way better than my plan could ever be.
So as soon as we come to that agreement - BAM! He decides to point out the next thing that my fist is tightly gripped around. It's Elyssa.
Elyssa has been at her dad's for the last 10 days. He couldn't get her to her soccer game on Sunday, so my mom went to get her and take her to the game. I was working the church doing lights and lyrics. The plan was that I'd get her after the morning services and then take her back up to church with me. She'd stay through the 7:00 and then I'd take her back to her dad's. Everyone was happy with that plan - until Elyssa saw me. She didn't want to go back to her dad's. She wanted to stay with me. She was trying to be so brave and not show me she was upset. I get the feeling that she doesn't think she's allowed to show sadness at her dad's house. IIt broke my heart. An 8 year old should not have to be brave in that way! Long story short - I got her to go home from church with my mom because I was going to call her dad. I called her dad to see if she could just go ahead and stay. He got angry and he yelled. It's not like he was yelling at me, but he was talking super loudly and I don't like that. Obviously. Here I was trying to parent with him and determine what was best for our child. He took it that I was telling her that she could stay home with me and going against what he said. I asked him if he really thought that I said the opposite of what he wanted to Elyssa all the time. He made some comment that yes, he did think I was poisoning her mind against him. I was aghast. My mouth dropped open. I couldn't believe what I was hearing! He kind of said he was kidding/being sarcastic or something, but I'm not so sure. Does he not know me at all? After all this time - almost 18 years, he still doesn't know my heart? Sigh. The plan still was that I'd get her after the later service and take her to his house. He decided to go pick her up. So she thought she was going to see me again and it didn't end up that way. I was crushed because I thought that his action was making me a liar in her eyes. You know?
I realized that I'm still trying to co-parent with him and it's never going to happen. There is no co-parenting for Elyssa. It's two separate things for her and forever will be. That saddened me beyond belief. It's been four years but I still want Elyssa to have the home with two parents! It's not going to happen. And it causes my daughter pain. I don't want my little innocent girl to be in pain. I felt like I was failing her because there was nothing I could do to stop that hurt.
While doing the lyrics at the seven, I really paid attention to the song "I Surrender."
I just had tears streaming down my face. It was hard to click the next slide for the service because I was getting lost in the words! (The video is not exactly what we sang, but most of the verses are.) I got it. I have to surrender my child! I've been entrusted by God to raise her, but she doesn't belong to me. She belongs to Him. And He loves her more powerfully than I could ever dream of loving her. That's really hard to imagine, but it's Truth. And you can't argue with Truth. He never leaves her. (I can't wait to remind her of that - He was there with her during her painful time and she had His strength to get past it!)
I am forever blessed to have found the home group that I did. I quickly sent a text to my two leaders who prayed for me. Then I spoke with one at length later that night. To have the wisdom of a single mom who has been through what I am going through is priceless. Shannon's advice is always to bring everything back to God. It's hard to remember to do that when you are lost in the day to day crap that goes on. My perfectionism starts to kick in. I worry that I don't do enough or that I'm lacking somehow in what I'm teaching Elyssa. I don't want her to think that the men in her life are doing it right. Then I get overwhelmed by how much there is to teach her and how often I mess up and I feel that I have to do it all by myself. Then a gentle voice in my head (hello Holy Spirit) said that I needed to slow down and remember that I wasn't all by myself. And I don't have to teach Elyssa everything right now - there is time. And I don't have to be perfect. My heart is in the right place and that's enough at this moment.
We will follow some of Shannon's advice. Elyssa and I will read Ephesians 5 this week in her children's NIV. We will discuss godly woman and godly men. One of my biggest fears is that she will look at the examples of men around her (her dad and my dad) and think that they are the correct example of how a man should be. They are NOT. So we will discuss how much Christ loves His church and all that He did for us. I will share with her that a man is supposed to love his wife in the same way that Christ loves the church. Men did not get an easy task. We will talk about what we've seen in the men around us that are examples of godly men. We will actively look for examples when we are out in public. We will look at the qualities of a godly woman and think of examples of when I've shown those qualities and examples of when I have not shown those qualities. (Ouch.) I will tell Elyssa that when she sees me acting in an ungodly manner, she should respectfully let me know.
God is good. He doesn't always make things easier for me. He will keep pruning my heart so that all the dead branches are gone. He will keep poking holes in all that dark places to let the Light shine in. It hurts like hell, but I wouldn't want it any other way. On this side of it, I am stronger and more in love with my Savior.
So as soon as we come to that agreement - BAM! He decides to point out the next thing that my fist is tightly gripped around. It's Elyssa.
Elyssa has been at her dad's for the last 10 days. He couldn't get her to her soccer game on Sunday, so my mom went to get her and take her to the game. I was working the church doing lights and lyrics. The plan was that I'd get her after the morning services and then take her back up to church with me. She'd stay through the 7:00 and then I'd take her back to her dad's. Everyone was happy with that plan - until Elyssa saw me. She didn't want to go back to her dad's. She wanted to stay with me. She was trying to be so brave and not show me she was upset. I get the feeling that she doesn't think she's allowed to show sadness at her dad's house. IIt broke my heart. An 8 year old should not have to be brave in that way! Long story short - I got her to go home from church with my mom because I was going to call her dad. I called her dad to see if she could just go ahead and stay. He got angry and he yelled. It's not like he was yelling at me, but he was talking super loudly and I don't like that. Obviously. Here I was trying to parent with him and determine what was best for our child. He took it that I was telling her that she could stay home with me and going against what he said. I asked him if he really thought that I said the opposite of what he wanted to Elyssa all the time. He made some comment that yes, he did think I was poisoning her mind against him. I was aghast. My mouth dropped open. I couldn't believe what I was hearing! He kind of said he was kidding/being sarcastic or something, but I'm not so sure. Does he not know me at all? After all this time - almost 18 years, he still doesn't know my heart? Sigh. The plan still was that I'd get her after the later service and take her to his house. He decided to go pick her up. So she thought she was going to see me again and it didn't end up that way. I was crushed because I thought that his action was making me a liar in her eyes. You know?
I realized that I'm still trying to co-parent with him and it's never going to happen. There is no co-parenting for Elyssa. It's two separate things for her and forever will be. That saddened me beyond belief. It's been four years but I still want Elyssa to have the home with two parents! It's not going to happen. And it causes my daughter pain. I don't want my little innocent girl to be in pain. I felt like I was failing her because there was nothing I could do to stop that hurt.
While doing the lyrics at the seven, I really paid attention to the song "I Surrender."
I just had tears streaming down my face. It was hard to click the next slide for the service because I was getting lost in the words! (The video is not exactly what we sang, but most of the verses are.) I got it. I have to surrender my child! I've been entrusted by God to raise her, but she doesn't belong to me. She belongs to Him. And He loves her more powerfully than I could ever dream of loving her. That's really hard to imagine, but it's Truth. And you can't argue with Truth. He never leaves her. (I can't wait to remind her of that - He was there with her during her painful time and she had His strength to get past it!)
I am forever blessed to have found the home group that I did. I quickly sent a text to my two leaders who prayed for me. Then I spoke with one at length later that night. To have the wisdom of a single mom who has been through what I am going through is priceless. Shannon's advice is always to bring everything back to God. It's hard to remember to do that when you are lost in the day to day crap that goes on. My perfectionism starts to kick in. I worry that I don't do enough or that I'm lacking somehow in what I'm teaching Elyssa. I don't want her to think that the men in her life are doing it right. Then I get overwhelmed by how much there is to teach her and how often I mess up and I feel that I have to do it all by myself. Then a gentle voice in my head (hello Holy Spirit) said that I needed to slow down and remember that I wasn't all by myself. And I don't have to teach Elyssa everything right now - there is time. And I don't have to be perfect. My heart is in the right place and that's enough at this moment.
We will follow some of Shannon's advice. Elyssa and I will read Ephesians 5 this week in her children's NIV. We will discuss godly woman and godly men. One of my biggest fears is that she will look at the examples of men around her (her dad and my dad) and think that they are the correct example of how a man should be. They are NOT. So we will discuss how much Christ loves His church and all that He did for us. I will share with her that a man is supposed to love his wife in the same way that Christ loves the church. Men did not get an easy task. We will talk about what we've seen in the men around us that are examples of godly men. We will actively look for examples when we are out in public. We will look at the qualities of a godly woman and think of examples of when I've shown those qualities and examples of when I have not shown those qualities. (Ouch.) I will tell Elyssa that when she sees me acting in an ungodly manner, she should respectfully let me know.
God is good. He doesn't always make things easier for me. He will keep pruning my heart so that all the dead branches are gone. He will keep poking holes in all that dark places to let the Light shine in. It hurts like hell, but I wouldn't want it any other way. On this side of it, I am stronger and more in love with my Savior.
Friday, August 01, 2008
Random Updates
1. I cooked fish for the first time today. I'm not much of a cook and I've been scared to buy fresh fish from the counter. I struggle so much with doing things I haven't done before. Even things as simple as buying fresh fish or even going to a different grocery store. I went to Sprouts today for the first time - love that store! I think my new haircut has given me some courage. Well, that and all the stuff I said in my previous post. The fish was very yummy by the way.
2. My dad is going to be fine. He had a fall which we all blamed on his drinking, but it seems it may be more the virus/low blood sugar thing that caused it. The doctor seems to think he is suffering from "post concussion syndrome" which I had never heard of! There is a syndrome for everything! We don't know that he actually had a concussion, but the doctor is not concerned too much by his Cat Scans. He is going to have another in a few weeks, just to be sure. I just called down there and he sounded like my normal dad again. Thanks so much for all your prayers.
3. I confronted my dad about his drinking while we were at the doctor. I didn't mean to pick on him, but the timing just seemed right. I got a lot off my chest - told him I was very mad at him for not being there with mom during my surgery and that I'd like him to be around for Elyssa and that he can't quit drinking all by himself. I was proud of myself. I don't have any hopes that he's going to actually do something. He says that he knows, but knowing and doing are very different. I probably should pray about it more. When I'm angry with people, I tend to not pray for them at all. I'll have to work on that.
4. I love my new haircut!
5. My ex needs to think more. He did not want Elyssa to cut her hair. My opinion is that it's
her hair and if she wants it shorter then she should be allowed to do it. He walked in and just gave her a goofy look - we all knew he was kidding, but I wanted him to lavish praise on her. When he took her bag outside (and she was inside), I kindly said, "Little girls need to hear from their fathers how beautiful they are!" (At least I hope it was kindly said!) He said he thought her hair was great. I said, "Then TELL HER!" I wanted to add STUPID but refrained. He did then start telling her how beautiful she looked. Sigh. Men!
2. My dad is going to be fine. He had a fall which we all blamed on his drinking, but it seems it may be more the virus/low blood sugar thing that caused it. The doctor seems to think he is suffering from "post concussion syndrome" which I had never heard of! There is a syndrome for everything! We don't know that he actually had a concussion, but the doctor is not concerned too much by his Cat Scans. He is going to have another in a few weeks, just to be sure. I just called down there and he sounded like my normal dad again. Thanks so much for all your prayers.
3. I confronted my dad about his drinking while we were at the doctor. I didn't mean to pick on him, but the timing just seemed right. I got a lot off my chest - told him I was very mad at him for not being there with mom during my surgery and that I'd like him to be around for Elyssa and that he can't quit drinking all by himself. I was proud of myself. I don't have any hopes that he's going to actually do something. He says that he knows, but knowing and doing are very different. I probably should pray about it more. When I'm angry with people, I tend to not pray for them at all. I'll have to work on that.
4. I love my new haircut!
5. My ex needs to think more. He did not want Elyssa to cut her hair. My opinion is that it's
her hair and if she wants it shorter then she should be allowed to do it. He walked in and just gave her a goofy look - we all knew he was kidding, but I wanted him to lavish praise on her. When he took her bag outside (and she was inside), I kindly said, "Little girls need to hear from their fathers how beautiful they are!" (At least I hope it was kindly said!) He said he thought her hair was great. I said, "Then TELL HER!" I wanted to add STUPID but refrained. He did then start telling her how beautiful she looked. Sigh. Men!6. I've lost a lot of weight. Look at these pictures! Can you see it in my face? I can. The cubs picture is from 2006.
7. I am very tempted to put my blog address on my facebook. I've kept it very private and have only let a few friends and some random strangers (who have become friends) read it. I want to be more transparent, but don't know if that's a good thing. I tend to write with lots of detail. Some people only allude to the details of their lives, but I put in every stinkin' one! Does everyone need to know what I'm thinking? Would I edit my thoughts more if I knew more people who knew me were reading? I'm just not sure about what to do.
8. I love my new haircut! (I know I already said it once. It just bears repeating!)
9. I am almost fully recovered from my appendectomy. But right now my belly is saying, "you've been sitting at the computer too long! It's time to get up!" So I guess that's enough updates!
10. OK - one more. It's got to be a round 10! I want to write more! I miss it!
11. I forgot! My brother got to come to my grandmother's funeral. Doesn't he look great!? He gets out on September 4th. We're all very excited!
7. I am very tempted to put my blog address on my facebook. I've kept it very private and have only let a few friends and some random strangers (who have become friends) read it. I want to be more transparent, but don't know if that's a good thing. I tend to write with lots of detail. Some people only allude to the details of their lives, but I put in every stinkin' one! Does everyone need to know what I'm thinking? Would I edit my thoughts more if I knew more people who knew me were reading? I'm just not sure about what to do.
8. I love my new haircut! (I know I already said it once. It just bears repeating!)
9. I am almost fully recovered from my appendectomy. But right now my belly is saying, "you've been sitting at the computer too long! It's time to get up!" So I guess that's enough updates!
10. OK - one more. It's got to be a round 10! I want to write more! I miss it!
11. I forgot! My brother got to come to my grandmother's funeral. Doesn't he look great!? HeHidden in Christ
Isn't it amazing how you can feel so far from God so quickly even though you KNOW He hasn't gone anywhere? You know what else is amazing? How quickly you can re-connect with Him. He's right there. Search for Him!
I picked up the Bible study that I'm doing. It's been quite awhile since I've looked at it. It's called "Seeing Yourself Through Christ's Eyes" by June Hunt and it's awesome. Today's was about the fact that we are hidden in Christ. Psalm 32:7 says "You are my hiding place; You will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance."
Because He hides His truth in you, you are protected from wrong thoughts and wrong choices. The adversary of your life has not power to trap you. . . as long as you stay hidden in the shelter of God's wings where you are safe from emotional destruction, hidden from emotional ruin. ~June HuntI forget to keep myself hidden in Christ. It takes work. I'm not saying you have to earn your way to be safe with Christ. That's not it at all. By God's sweet grace, we get to be close to Him because of what Jesus did for us on the cross. But it does take some effort on your part to stay close to Christ. He's not going to do it all. It reminds me of a story I heard a long time ago. A man and his wife were sitting in his truck. He was driving and she was sitting in the passenger seat. They drove past a young couple who were sitting right next to each other in their truck - she sitting in the middle while he drove with one arm around her back. The wife turned to her husband and said, "Why don't we ever sit like that any more? We used to do it all the time." The husband replied with, "I'm still in the same place I've always been. It's you who moved away."
Isn't that so much the picture of our relationship with God? It's true for me. He is always in the same place. It's me who moves away.
The verse I have at the top of my blog is from Proverbs 2. "and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find knowledge in God." We have to look and search. We can't be passive.
I know I've written about that before. How quickly I forget. How repeatedly I forget. Urgh. It's frustrating. Because when I'm close to God, everything seems to go more smoothly. I'm happier. I'm peaceful. Do you ever try to blame your distance on other things? I sure do. "I haven't been seeing my counselor as much lately. Home group has been taking a break for the summer. I haven't been to church in weeks due to the funeral and surgery." While those activities are very important in helping to stay connected to Him, it can't be the only things. The way to stay connected is by opening up His truth and working toward knowing Him better.
That's really all it took for me today. I started my tiny little Bible Study that I've put off for weeks. It's tiny! I spent maybe 15 minutes reading and thinking and writing and praying. And today has been a wonderful day. Peaceful. Good.
So if you feel like hounding me with some questions as to how much time I've spent with God, I wouldn't mind it a bit. I don't want to use you as yet another excuse - "no one asked me if I was doing anything!" - but I would love the accountability.
Go. Search for Him. He's closer than you think!
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