My Lesson

Growing is hard. But where would we be if we didn't? I asked a question in my previous post about what my purpose was in writing In the Middle of My Struggle. I now realize I was trying to force a discussion, if someone was smart enough to pick up on it. He was. :-)

I had a wonderful conversation (if IM is conversing) with my friend yesterday. He surprised me because he didn't react as I expected him to. I needed my imaginary wanderings to be brought to light and I needed to give them up. I have been stuck in fantasy land ever since my divorce and I wanted out, but didn't know how to get out. I think if he had reacted as every other male has, I would still be stuck in fantasy land. I would not have learned what God wanted me to learn. But he was a friend in the truest sense of the word. Jeff, I thank you for that.

What did God want me to learn? In my opinion, He is continuously showing me that I need to rely on Him BEFORE and MORE than people. And as hard as this lesson is, I'm not hating it. I got really mad at God about 2 months ago. A friend I've known for over 10 years told me he was getting divorced and I just KNEW that God meant for us to be together. Well, it didn't quite work out that way and I was so angry that God didn't do what I wanted. Fortunately, Dale and I are still friends and I can use my journey to help him get through his. Then God plops (Does God plop? That sounds strange, but funny, so I'll leave it) almost the same situation in my lap. "Did you learn your lesson yet, Erin?" Not really - but I was trying harder this time. I was aware of the lesson this time. And it hurt this time too (fantasy land always does) but I was thankful this time instead of angry. Wow, look at that - she can learn.

I really should ask The Village Church to link to this blog since I keep referring to their sermons. The latest one I'm listening to is on Loneliness. We all try to soften it - we don't say we're lonely. I've tried to type it here just now and my fingers don't want to do it. I say things like: I'm in a rough spot right now; I just miss being in a relationship; I need to go out more; I'm just feeling a bit disconnected; blah blah blah. But truthfully, I guess, maybe I am lonely? Yuck - I hate even saying it. And look how much I tried to soften it still! OK, here goes nothing: Hi, my name is Erin and I am lonely. There, I did it. The pastor reminded me of a ton of great stuff that I just can't write all here. (I know you love me, but you don't want to spend 3 hours reading one post, do you?) But the biggest thing - the most applicable in my life at this moment - is that loneliness can be used by God "to display the glory of Christ in drawing us to Him and He uses the loneliness to conform us to His image." I can ask Him to be sovereign over my loneliness. He already is anyway; I just have to acknowledge it to Him. He wants to hear me say it. The pastor reminded me of Job and that before Satan could attack Job, Satan had to ASK God for permission. I'm just as important to God as Job. God is allowing this in my life. He's not surprised by it and He is still in control. I loved what the pastor said next, so I hit rewind on my ipod over and over until I got it all copied:

When we allow God to speak to us in our deepest spiritual need, we then realize God can redeem our loneliness. And loneliness becomes a useful tool in His hands. It doesn't mean loneliness goes away. Jesus said in this world we will have trouble. He uses the loneliness as a megaphone.

And then (Jeff - if you're reading, you'll love this) he quotes C. S. Lewis. It was too much to copy, but the gist of it was that God whispers to us in our pleasures. He speaks to us in our conscious. And He shouts to us in our pain. (Jeff, resident Lewis expert, do you know where that's from?)

So, in summary, (and I know some of you are saying, "Thank goodness she's wrapping it up!) I feel pretty good. I want to make friends. That sounds kind of elementary school, but so be it. I don't know how to make friends. I've always thought that a guy's options were to like you in one way or not at all. That's not Christ's definition of friendship, you know? I've tried to find the other kind of "friendship" for the past 3 years and have ended up even more lonely than I was at the end of my marriage. Well, that's not totally true. That loneliness will forever be kind of hard to beat. But I feel like I'm on the correct path - not my path, but His.

Genesis 50:20 - Joseph is speaking to his brothers after they came to him in Egypt to beg for food: "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."

I just looked this up in my Bible and found a note I had written in the margin next to this verse. I just saw it; I mean exactly just now. The verse came from the Loneliness sermon I listened to, but look what I wrote on July 14, 2004: "Maybe I will be a blessing to someone from this divorce. God allowed it to happen for something good." I wrote it in 2004 and maybe I believe it more now in 2006? Hopefully I will continue to believe it.

To Christy - your awesome comment made me cry. I love you too!

In the Middle of My Struggle

It's so hard to think one way and have to hide it because it's not the right time. Right here - this is my problem - I'm in the midst of it at this very moment. I know you can't visualize my frustration, but it's here! How do you stop thinking of things you shouldn't? They're not bad things; they aren't sinful. At least, I don't think they are. But maybe they are because it's not the right time for me to think them? AUGH!

Don't you wish I'd stop being so generic? Sorry - I have to protect the innocent. Me.

Lots and lots of prayer. Can you hear God? I'm asking because at this point I think He's speaking very LOUDLY to me, "ERIN - IT'S OK TO COME TO ME OVER AND OVER FOR THE SAME THING."

God - It's me again. I'm back. It's the same thing. You know my struggle. You know what I want. Patience. Patience. Patience. I can do all things through You who strengthens me. - Amen.

Now here's my new fear - am I really using this post to share what I know I shouldn't share in the first place? Do I hope that understanding will dawn and I'll get on the path towards what I want? Am I being sneaky? Or am I being generic enough that it's just sharing my frustration? I want to think I'm trying to share my struggle - but sometimes I'm not sure I trust my reasoning.

Some of you are scratching your heads thinking, "What on earth is she rambling about?"

And then I wonder - are these even being read? You could leave me a comment. :-)

Slow Down - Build Friendships

A huge hug to my good friend Christy in Chicago. She just made the biggest connection between my previous two posts. I've got to quote her:

its like the blog you wrote about your daughter and how there will come a time when she doesn't want to or doesn't have time to curl up on your bed and read a book. God is preparing you for a life that includes a partner and this time with God that you have - just you and Him is SO precious and wonderful - and though the relationship won't go away, the undivided attention and time you have to ponder it and learn and trust and enjoy is so brief!

I almost didn't put the Read to Me post in here, because it didn't seem to really fit with my purpose, but I thought it was sweet, so in it went. And there goes God, in His amazing perfect timing, slipping another teachable moment into my life. Can it be that that simple? This is God's time with me, just like this is my time with Elyssa? He's my Father. He wants to be with me. Guess how much time I spend complaining and feeling sorry for myself because I want human (male) companionship right now? I'm causing God pain because I'm wasting time instead of growing closer to Him. My friend Jana said something like this before. Something about how this is my time to be single and I shouldn't waste it. It kind of hit me deep then, but time passes and memory fades. Why is it so hard to be happy in this season of my life? I guess we are inundated with the worldly view of love that we lose sight of God's plan. I've spent the last few weeks developing a new definition of friendship in my mind. It takes more effort to develop friends than to develop dates, but it is so much more meaningful and worthwhile. Yes, to be honest, I slip up and let my mind wander down the wrong path - a lot. But, I'm catching myself much more quickly.

I was listening to a podcast from The Village Church again. (It's on itunes - check it out). It was a 3 part sermon on (gasp) sex and it was so powerful. I apologize if this is too much for anyone, but it opened my eyes. The pastor explained three Hebrew words for love: Raham, Ahavah and Dowd. (Here's the teacher in me coming out. I know you want to know how to pronounce them correctly so it's rah-hahm, ah-hah-vah, and dode.) Raham is companionship, nothing sexual. It's where you learn the good and bad about someone and continue to be friends. You realize they aren't perfect, but you still want to get to know them. Ahavah is the tough one and still not sexual. It's when you say to the other person, "I'm NOT going anywhere!" You accept the good and the bad and NOTHING will make you leave. This is the person you will be happy to fight with for the rest of your life. (Quick quiz - who knows my ex? Did he have a bit of Ahavah for me?) Dowd is the sexual one and was described as "a mingling of souls." Wow. The point I'm trying to make is that you have to have the first two to truly have the last one. Our world today skips over the first two completely. That's one thing that makes it so hard to be single in these days - or a pure-minded single anyway. How can I say this without embarrassing myself or you? Oh who cares - if you're reading this, more than likely you know this about me already so it's OK. I have not and will not do the "dowd" until I'm married, but I think that was my aim. Does that make sense? Too much honesty for everyone? Sorry. (And can we all briefly laugh about "do the deed" and "do the dowd?" Funny, right? Am I the only one laughing? Back to serious. . . .) I didn't consciously realize that the first two types of love had to come first. The Raham and Ahavah take SO MUCH WORK and I wanted to whip through them quickly and get married. God's plan doesn't work like that. I want to be in line with God's plan, which sums up why I'm trying to develop friendships and not relationships. Make sense?

God, again - continue to give me the strength to stay on Your path. And God? Thanks for giving me such great friends. I wouldn't be me without them.

Love you guys!

Over and Over Again

God, help me to have the patience to wait for Your plan.

To borrow an idea from a friend (Thanks Jeff), here is a cool quote from Mere Christianity by C. S. Lewis:

You must ask for God's help. Even when you have done so, it may seem to you for a long time that no help, or less help than you need, is being given. Never mind. After each failure, ask forgiveness, pick yourself up, and try again. Very often what God first helps us towards is not the virtue itself but just this power of always trying again. For however important [the virtue] may be, this process trains us in the habits of the soul which are more important still. It cures our illusions about ourselves and teaches us to depend on God. We learn, on the one hand, that we cannot trust ourselves even in our best moments, and on the other, that we need not despair even in our worst, for our failures are forgiven. The only fatal thing is to sit down content with anything less than perfection.

Amazing, right? Many times I have wondered why I have to keep asking for the same thing. I keep messing up the same way. Over and over and over again. I am beginning to realize that God might be up there saying, "Erin - you need to learn to depend on Me. You need to know that you can come to Me every time you mess up, even if you are repeating the same mistakes. Erin, come to Me." God doesn't run out of patience. God doesn't run out of love. He just wants me to keep going to Him. I get so down on myself and it must come from Satan. Satan doesn't want me to depend on God, so the king of lies whispers in my ear that I'm a loser and a failure and that God is sick of me messing up in the same way.

Another quote, this time from George MacDonald:

That man is perfect in faith who can come to God in the utter dearth of his feelings and desires, without a glow or an aspiration, with the weight of low thoughts, failures, neglects and wandering forgetfulness, and say to Him, "Thou art my refuge."

Perfect in faith - it's not the perfect Christian - that doesn't exist. It means we come to Him at our lowest and ask Him to be our strength. Haven't you felt that way - "without a glow. . . with the weight of low thoughts, failures. . . ?" Sometimes I feel like such a failure as a parent, as a woman - those are some low thoughts! God wants me to crawl to Him anyway.

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." Psalm 46:1

God, help me to turn away from the king of lies and listen to Your truth. And keep giving me the patience to wait for Your pefect plan for my life. I have a feeling I'll be asking for help with that one a lot.

Read to Me

I was at a writing training today. TAKS writing - very boring! But we did get eight minutes to write and this was mine:

"Mommy, will you read to me?" I love hearing those words. I can see my little girl looking up at me with her big brown eyes. Sometimes I want to tell her that I just have too much to do - there's laundry and cleaning the house and doing the dishes. But, when I open my mouth to speak, yes is always the first word out. That pile of laundry will wait patiently for me. The house doesn't care if it's messy. Dishes? We can always use paper plates. But my daughter - she won't wait patiently - I guess that's better said as time won't wait for us. Before I know it, she won't want to cuddle with her mommy and read. And unlike the house, Elyssa cares if I spend time with her. So with a smile, we head to our favorite spot - smack dab in the middle of my bed. As we get comfortable, I smile and say, "Who's reading first?" One thing I know for sure, this is the time I have with my daughter and I don't want to miss it.

Hidden Messages

I'm so tired and should be in bed. But, Elyssa had a soccer game at 7:45! Why do they do that to 6 year olds? Crazy. Anyway, she's eating and I've wanted to get this written down, so here I go. God is amazing! Duh. I'm such a brainiac. I was a bit mad at Him - He wasn't allowing my life to go the way I wanted it to go. I know what's best for me, right? Right (with lots of sarcasm). I haven't been to church in a month. I'd wake up on Saturday and automatically say - I'm not going. I thought if I avoided God then maybe He'd see that I knew best. Ha! Part of it is that I'm not part of Homebuilders anymore and haven't gone to the Single Parent class but twice. I'm scared. I HATE going into places alone! Anyway, through some awesome conversations (emails actually) with a friend I met recently, I was encouraged to get back to church. The title of the sermon was Powerful Evangalism or something like that. I thought - well, this isn't really what I need to hear right now. (I know best, remember?) God, in His amazing wisdom, had a different message for me. Dr. Graham starts teaching from Isaiah 54:1 about a barren woman telling her man to stretch out the tent because many children are on the way. "Great," I'm thinking, "More baby stuff. I don't want to be reminded that I want a husband and more kids." I'm so negative! Of course, Dr. Graham was leading us toward how powerful our witnessing should be so that our Christian family can grow. BUT - God had something more in mind for me. I skimmed ahead in Isaiah 54 just to see what else was going on. Check out verse 5: "For the Maker is your husband - the Lord Almighty, is His name." WOW! That's all I could think. I kept reading it over and over, with tears in my eyes. I had no idea that verse was in there. Once I picked my jaw up off my knees, I continued reading. Verse 6: "'The Lord will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit - a wife who married young only to be rejected,' says your God." There goes the jaw dropping to my knees again. I look around - did God have Isaiah write that just for me? Unbelievable! And then I got to verse 10 which is up by the title of my blog. Did He have a hidden message for me or what? Now, I'm not totally accepting my singleness - I'm trying to. I downloaded some sermons from The Village about singleness (on my new video IPOD that I got for free!) - the sermons are very good if you're single and reading this. Maybe single is where God wants me to be. Obviously that's where He wants me right now. I hope and pray that's just for now and not forever. But I take great comfort in the fact that He is my Husband. It says it right there! I mean, I always knew He is the Groom and the church is His bride - but there is Isaiah telling me thousands of years in the past that God is my Husband. And Isaiah's telling me that He knows me - knows that I married young and that I was rejected and that I was deserted and am distressed in spirit. And it's OK. God still wants me! Awesome, right? So keep your eyes open for those hidden messages - you never know what God wants to tell you.

A Dusty Mirror

Sometimes I forget how much God loves me. No, that's not totally true. Sometimes I think I can do my life better than God can. Those of you who know me, know that a lot of things have changed in my life in the last 3 years. Sometimes I feel so close to God and other times I don't know where He is. I never really let people know when I've lost God. Isn't that a funny image? Can't you just see me looking under pillows and in the car and under the bed - just looking to see where God could have run off to. And God - He's always right there - waiting for me to turn around and look at Him. I put my happy mask on so the world can see that Erin is fine. She's such a strong and courageous woman. Way to go, Erin. Yeah, right. A friend pointed out something C. S. Lewis wrote that really got me thinking. Our lives are like mirrors to reflect God's love. Is my mirror so dusty that His love can't reflect at all? Why do I let that happen? The purpose of this blog is to help me do a better job at reflecting God's love. Not like a confessional - I'm not going to share all my failures. I just want to write down things that help me keep my mirror clean.

Let me know what you think.