Half

I was writing to a friend and this came out:

Honestly I just feel like a half – I don’t feel like a whole. Does that make sense? I’m just a half and I hate being a half. Do you know what that feels like? It’s like my whole being is screaming out to be a whole and I still feel like just a half. What I’m trying to get from my brain to my heart is that I can be a whole ~ with Christ.

I don't want to be a half anymore.

Confession

I've cyber-snooped again. Did you know that you don't have to have bookmarks to find places again? Duh, right?

Letting go.
Surrender.
Lay it at the cross.
Give it to Him.

I hear these things and I think I'm doing them, but I'm not sure. I asked a friend at home group tonight how to really give Him control. It's a stupid question because I don't think another person can answer it for me. It looks different and probably feels different for everyone.

I'm un-wantable. I fear that this word will forever apply to me. Maybe there is something wrong with me. Please don't offer me the obligatory remark; I'm just stating what may be the truth. Maybe my prayers should be to accept my un-wantability instead of asking for someone to like me. I have zero confidence that a man will ever look at me that way. None. Zip. Nada.

Forgive my Star Wars dorkiness - I'm sure I could pick any other romantic movie in the world, but it's me, so go with the flow. I know you're thinking Star Wars is not a romantic movie, but have you seen Episode II - Attack of the Clones? Anakin takes Padme to Naboo to protect her from an assassin. They go to this beautiful lake and are standing on this bridge thing looking out at an island. Padme tells Anikan that she used to swim out to the island and lay on the sand. Anakin gets corny and makes some remark about hating sand because it's rough, not like her, she's soft (or something as equally dumb). Then they look at each other. You can feel the passion and intensity. His eyes are smoldering. I want someone to look at me just like that. Then they kiss for the first time. Sigh Did I ever mention how much I miss kissing? Oh yeah, I guess you've heard that before. And what if it never happens again? What if I never again get to kiss a man who burns for me?

I'll say it for you, so that you won't ~ There's someone out there for you. Have patience. It'll all be worth it. blah, blah, blah. yada, yada, yada. I hear you.

But what if there's not?

OK - I'll speak for you again ~ if there's not, then God will replace these feelings with something else.

Bah-humbug.

The Dehydrated Heart

Come Thirsty
Max Lucado

Deprive your soul of spiritual water, and your soul will tell you. Dehydrated hearts send desperate messages. . . . You think God wants you to live with these? Hopelessness? Sleeplessness? Loneliness? Resentment? Irritability? Insecurity? These are warnings. Symptoms of a dryness deep within. (11-12)

Internalize him. Ingest him. Welcome him into the inner workings of your life. Let Christ be the water of your soul. (14)

How is this done? By heeding your thirst. Don't dismiss your loneliness. Don't deny your anger. Your restless spirit, churning stomach, the sense of dread. . . these are signal flares exploding in the sky. . . . Don't let your heart shrink into a raisin. For the sake of those who need your love, hydrate your soul. Heed your thirst! (15)

Thank You, Abba Father, for reaching out to me when I'm down in this pit.

Happy Face

Warning: pity party ahead. Proceed with caution.

I think if you asked around, people would describe me as a happy person.

Not so much - not right now.

No one even knows. I'm so good at putting on my happy face. But what's underneath? And who really cares? Happy Erin is liked, I think. What about screwed up Erin? What about the Erin who just wants to sit in a corner and cry? What about the Erin who can't do it all? What about the Erin who is so sick of doing it all alone? I should be able to do it all. I should be able to deal with being alone. This is my life - I get the privilege of doing everything. Suck it up and deal with it. I'm not a big fan of this Erin. What would other people think? Hence, the happy face goes on when other people are around.

(Again - just venting out loud. Don't need your happy words. I love ya, but I don't want them.)

Enough

I absolutely love this song. But I don't know how to do it. I want it to be true for me, but in all honesty, it's not. Something isn't clicking within me to get me where He is enough. I want someone here. . . now. . . . It's that whole head/heart thing again. I know what is true, but it's not sinking in my heart.

I'm not looking for supportive words. I'm just struggling out loud. Mostly I'm just talking to Him.

God ~ help me to let You be enough. I'm failing miserably. I'm lonely and comparing myself to everyone else. What's wrong with me? That's all I keep wondering. How do I do it? How do I let You be enough?

Enough
Jeremy Camp

All of you is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with your love
And all I have in you is more than enough

You are my supply
My breath of life
Still more awesome than I know
You are my reward
Worth living for
Still more awesome than I know

And all of you is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with your love
And all I have in you is more than enough

You are my supply
My breath of life
Still more awesome than I know
You're my coming King
You're my everything
Still more awesome than I know

And all of you is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with your love
And all I have in you is more than enough

More than all I am
More than all I need
You are more than enough for me
More than all I know
More than all I can say
You are more than enough

And all of you is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with your love
And all I have in You is more than enough

Happy Birthday to Me

Yep - today is my birthday. The big 36. I'm now on the downward slide to 40. I've been in a bad mood all day. What I thought I'd be doing at 40 is very different than what is probably going to be happening to me. And I don't like that. Yeah - I know - God has it all planned out. It'll all work out for good. He knows what's best for me.

Jesus says in John 16:23-24, "Truly, truly I say to you, whatever you ask of the Father in My name, He will give it to you. Until now you have asked nothing in My name. Ask and you will receive, that your joy may be full." He later (or earlier?) restates it - that WHATEVER is asked will be given. My question - um - when does this happen? I've been doing some asking. I'm sure I'm just being selfish.

Did you know I was adopted? Do you think my birth mom every thinks about me on this day? Does she ever wonder what happened to me? Does she ever regret giving me up? Does she remember my birth father? I don't think he ever knew I existed. I never wonder about him. But my birth mom - does she remember me? Don't get me wrong - she's not my mom. My mom is my mom. But I get curious, especially on my birthday.

I Hate Fridays

I hate them. I really do. Not all of them, just the ones where Elyssa goes to her dad's.

You know what I do? I work at school late. I cry on the way home. I read or watch a movie. I go to sleep.

I hate it.

Everyone I know has stuff to do or kids to be with or husbands to love. Not me. I get to be alone.

Yip. E.

I Love The Fray

All At Once

There are certain people you just keep coming back to
She is right in front of you
You begin to wonder could you find a better one
Compared to her now she's in question

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there

Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it, maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes
We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you've started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it, maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come

Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you had her, maybe you lost her to another
To another

Love

I just want to say that I love you guys. Thanks for reading my stuff, even though most of the time it's the same crap over and over. Thanks for supporting me and sharing your wisdom. Thanks for loving me back, despite all my faults and weirdness. You even over-look my Star Wars dorkiness! Without each of you, I don't think I could do life as well as I do .

I'm blessed to have friends like you.

My daughter is so cool - she got me The Fray CD today!

Out of Sight - Out of Mind

So maybe you've noticed that I've struggled with this whole concept of letting go.

"No way!" the crowd gasped, totally shocked.

Yes, it's true. I haven't really let God be in control of my love life. I'm sick of it all - sick of doing it my way and it not working. Sick of thinking about it. Sick of thinking about him.

Go ahead - I know you want to say it. Yeah, right. Whatever.

It is different this time. I have deleted every bookmark/favorite from my computer. That means no more checking his blog - no more looking at gmail - no more gmail notifier - no more myspace. I deleted my own myspace account . We all know I only had that as a way to keep tabs. His blog? His myspace? Did I really think he'd send some secret message to me through that? Craziness. If he wants to talk to me - he knows where to find me.

Out of sight - out of mind, right? Ironically, that's my biggest fear as well. I am out of his sight therefore I am out of his mind. I don't like that. At all. It makes me sad.

I don't know what God has planned for my life - but I trust that He knows the best thing for me.

Luci came to my homegroup on Saturday. She and her husband shared their story and how God's timing was totally amazing. She's been divorced 4 years. She desperately wanted to be married again. She worked on getting her life right with God and finally surrendered her love life. She was like me - she'd let go for awhile and then take the control right back again. Right when she was finally content with being single - she met Robert. It was an awesome story - many twists and turns that led perfectly up to them falling in love - the right way. They didn't even kiss until their wedding. Wow!

I've actually said to myself in the recent past that the next guy I kiss will be my husband. I wasn't actually thinking of it as on the wedding day and he actually being my husband, but honestly the idea is intriguing. I know some of you out there are thinking - you'll never get a date with an attitude like that Erin. No kissing? Are you crazy!? Yeah, maybe I am. But maybe I want the amazing fairy tale. Maybe waiting for that is best for me. I know where just thinking about kissing takes my mind. I love kissing. It's been such a loooooooong time. So maybe that's what I'll do. It would have to be a pretty amazing man to agree to something like that, right? It would take a very godly man. That's what I want more than anything else. A godly man to lead my home - to lead me. Maybe God will grant me that desire someday.

On another note altogether, I think he sometimes reads here so I'm going to take this minute to say a last thing: I love the idea that you read me. I love the idea that you care enough about me to want to know what's going on in my life. Keep reading. Know that I miss your friendship but I'm tired of waiting around. You know where I am. You know how to get in touch with me. I will continue to pray for you because you are an amazing man and you deserve happiness. The thing that I'm finally realizing is that I am an amazing woman and I deserve happiness too. I hope if you do ever decide to continue our friendship that I am still available to do that. We are a good match. You know it's true. You can deny it if you want, but it's true. Others have noticed it too. Later, WSD. Numbers 6:24-26

Delete?

Blushing

I'm embarrassed. I should delete my dumb code - but I'll leave it. Maybe the embarrassment will keep me from doing it again. At least - until I think of an unbreakable code.

Darn it.

Hopefully only those who know me extremely well are the ones breaking it. Random reader - do you know what it says? But holy cow - don't post it in the comment! Just a yes or no will suffice.

Sigh

U

HJ. IMYVM. IWTWTY. IC. BIMY. IPATT. DFM. E.

Thank You for Right Now

God ~
Thank You for the good looking guy in his truck this morning with the huge smile on his face directed at me. Did you catch my double take? He was smiling at me? It made me laugh. Thanks for reminding me to let go of the what if and focus on the right now.
~ Me

Put the Crack Down

My friend Rachel says that. It's a great saying. Sometimes we get caught up in old bad habits. Our habits can really be like a drug. I was sitting here reading old stuff that I need to stay away from. What is it about the past that grips us so hard? Or maybe it's just me. I'm feeling nostalgic - for what? I mean, really? For what?

Stupid Zac Braff with his big lips and dark, messy hair. He's making me think too much.

Erin, put the crack down!

Lonely

It's Friday again. I'm lonely. Woo-hoo.

My Daughter is the BEST!

Check out my daughter's artwork. This was done in music class after finishing her test.

They are all quotes from Empire Strikes Back, which is my personal favorite.

I'm so proud of her! I've got a tear in my eye!

Kevin Max

I'm bummed. It's not really a KMax concert. It's some dude named Travis Taylor. KMax is a guest as well as Radient and Laura Allen. (Am I supposed to know them?) I'm not staying up late on a school night to hear other people. I just want to see Kevin Max!

No wonder I could never find tickets.