I just finished reading. I've been crying for the last half hour. It is a perfect ending.
Thank you, Harry. What an amazing journey.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Harry Potter
I have a funny Harry Potter story to tell! I pre-ordered the book 7-8 months ago. I have been so excited about it coming. I knew it was coming today and figured the mailman would leave it on the porch like he does with everything else. We got home from Elyssa's soccer game. I couldn't see a box from the street and got kind of concerned. Then, as I walked closer to the house, I noticed one of those little yellowish slips that say "we tried to deliver. . . ." I almost cried! It said that I could pick up my delivery on MONDAY! AUGH! I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL THEN!
I ran inside and called the post office. The lady said that it would have to be Monday. She was very nice and apologetic. I decided to drive up to the post office and force them to give me my book! Talk about going postal! I'm almost near tears. Not really, but I was angry and disappointed and worried. My adrenaline was really kicking up. I had to get my book!
I got Elyssa and her step-sister in the car. We started to drive and I saw a postal truck. Screeech! I get out and ask him if he delivers to my street. Sadly, he does not. BUT - he knew where my guy would usually be at this time of day. YEAH! We drive over to that area and begin cruising up and down every street. I begin praying, "Please God. Let me find my book!" I told Elyssa and Gab that their job was to look for the postman. One street. Two streets. Third street - THERE HE IS! I pull up behind him and run to his side of the truck and hold up my delivery slip and ask him if he delivers on my street. HE DOES! I said, "Can I please have my Harry Potter book?" He broke out in a big smile and stopped his car. He said to bear with him while he gets it and scans it. I said I'd wait all day. I told him I'd go get him a drink if he'd like one! He just laughed.
THERE IT IS! IT'S IN HIS HANDS! He checks my slip and tells me how he would usually just leave boxes on the porch, but with this book they had explicit instructions to confirm delivery. He said he was lucky, he only had 7 to deal with - not many readers in my area. He handed it to me and I squealed with joy! He laughed even harder. I thanked him profusely and carried my precious bundle back to my car. I yahooed with joy again and heard him laughing.
I opened the box in my car and just couldn't put my book down on the seat. I then carried it into my house and held it for awhile. I can't start reading it because I have too much to do to get ready to go out of town. If I start, I won't be able to stop. I'm also one of those who likes to peek at the last page, but am resisting temptation with this one.
Yea, Harry Potter! Yea, United States Postal Worker who was so kind!
Woo-hoo!
Monday, July 16, 2007
Hind's Feet
I'm reading a book given to me by my home group leaders. It's called Hinds' Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard. I had to research what the heck hinds' feet were because I've never heard that expression. A Hind is a type of female red deer who is able to put her back feet in the exact spot her front feet were. She doesn't falter going up the mountain because she knows exactly where to step.
This book is an allegory, not so different from something like Pilgrim's Progress. It is about Much-Afraid and her journey to the High Place. The Chief Shepherd asked her to go there with Him. She lives in the Valley of Humiliation with Fear - her family. I want to share some of it with you, but if right now you're going blah blah blah. . . feel free to skip this post.
So much of the story struck a nerve in me - a nerve I thought was better hidden than it actually is. The Shepherd asks her to allow Him to plant the seed of True Love in her heart. The Seed is very sharp; He lets her know that if she is to know true Love, then she will also have to know Pain. She accepts that and then He tells her she will have two guides to accompany her to the High Place. She, being all giddy on Love, tells Him that she will accept with joy whomever He choses to be her guides. She tells Him that she doesn't feel like she'll ever be afraid again.
He walks with her for awhile, leading her toward the High Place. Soon, though, He tells her He must leave her with her guides now. She is a bit distraught. She wants Him to stay with her. She says that with Him she feels strong. He tells her that He could stay with her and carry her up the mountain, but then she would never develop her hinds' feet and then would not be able to go where He goes. Guess who her companions are? Sorrow and Suffering! Much-Afraid can't believe it! She asks Him why can't He choose Joy and Peace to be her companions. He says, "Will you trust Me, Much-Afraid? Will you go with them, or do you wish to turn back. . . ?"
Isn't that so much like us? We tell our Savior that we will accept His decisions, but then when we get those decisions - um. . . this isn't what I had in mind, Jesus. Are You sure? To be more personal - "Jesus? I didn't want divorce. I don't want loneliness. I don't want what you've chosen for me." How prideful am I? I know better than He? Nothing in my life is by accident. He knew all the steps I would take before I took them. It's easy to trust when things are going well, isn't it?
She asks Him, "Help me to trust You as much as I long to love you." She continues her journey, soon traveling in the Desert. She stops and tells her companions that she can't go that way. It's a total contradiction of all that He promised her. She cries out to Him and He comes to her immediately. "No," said the Shepherd, "it is not a contradiction, only postponement for the best to become possible." She tells Him that it could be months or even years in the desert! He asks her, "Much-afraid, do you love Me enough to accept the postponement and the apparent contradiction of the promise, and to go down there with Me into the desert?"
Do we love Him enough to follow His footsteps where ever they may lead?
Later on, Much-Afraid is attacked by her enemies: Pride, Self-Pity, Resentment and Bitterness. She throws off Pride at one point and the Shepherd is there to celebrate with her. He tells her to remember her promise that she will wait patiently until He gives her her heart's desire.
There's my struggle. I do not wait patiently for my heart's desire. I don't think it will ever come. I don't think He will do it for me. Maybe I should take matters in my own hands? He doesn't care enough because He hasn't given it to me yet. I'm so full of myself. It's a different kind of pride attacking me - not the arrogant "I'm the best" kind of pride. It's the opposite of that. It's the "I'm not worthy of any good thing" kind of pride. More quiet perhaps, but just as deadly.
That's as far as I've gotten in the book. She got through the desert and ascended the Precipice of Injury. She's about to go into the Forest of Danger and Tribulation. She's learning many things. She's learning about acceptance with Joy. She's learning to accept Sorrow and Suffering. I'm so much like her - much afraid of giving up myself and leaning on the Shepherd. My pastor gave me hope and comfort on Sunday. He said that spiritual growth is slow. We live in a culture where everything is based on speed. We want it now and usually we get it now. Spiritual growth is not like that. You don't really see it happening. He compared it to watching children grow. We could stare at them for days, but we won't see it happen.
Just remember, it does happen. It takes effort and trust and work. But it does happen.
Habakkuk 3:19
The Lord GOD is my strength,
And He has made my feet like hinds' feet,
And makes me walk on my high places.
So much of the story struck a nerve in me - a nerve I thought was better hidden than it actually is. The Shepherd asks her to allow Him to plant the seed of True Love in her heart. The Seed is very sharp; He lets her know that if she is to know true Love, then she will also have to know Pain. She accepts that and then He tells her she will have two guides to accompany her to the High Place. She, being all giddy on Love, tells Him that she will accept with joy whomever He choses to be her guides. She tells Him that she doesn't feel like she'll ever be afraid again.
He walks with her for awhile, leading her toward the High Place. Soon, though, He tells her He must leave her with her guides now. She is a bit distraught. She wants Him to stay with her. She says that with Him she feels strong. He tells her that He could stay with her and carry her up the mountain, but then she would never develop her hinds' feet and then would not be able to go where He goes. Guess who her companions are? Sorrow and Suffering! Much-Afraid can't believe it! She asks Him why can't He choose Joy and Peace to be her companions. He says, "Will you trust Me, Much-Afraid? Will you go with them, or do you wish to turn back. . . ?"
Isn't that so much like us? We tell our Savior that we will accept His decisions, but then when we get those decisions - um. . . this isn't what I had in mind, Jesus. Are You sure? To be more personal - "Jesus? I didn't want divorce. I don't want loneliness. I don't want what you've chosen for me." How prideful am I? I know better than He? Nothing in my life is by accident. He knew all the steps I would take before I took them. It's easy to trust when things are going well, isn't it?
She asks Him, "Help me to trust You as much as I long to love you." She continues her journey, soon traveling in the Desert. She stops and tells her companions that she can't go that way. It's a total contradiction of all that He promised her. She cries out to Him and He comes to her immediately. "No," said the Shepherd, "it is not a contradiction, only postponement for the best to become possible." She tells Him that it could be months or even years in the desert! He asks her, "Much-afraid, do you love Me enough to accept the postponement and the apparent contradiction of the promise, and to go down there with Me into the desert?"
Do we love Him enough to follow His footsteps where ever they may lead?
Later on, Much-Afraid is attacked by her enemies: Pride, Self-Pity, Resentment and Bitterness. She throws off Pride at one point and the Shepherd is there to celebrate with her. He tells her to remember her promise that she will wait patiently until He gives her her heart's desire.
There's my struggle. I do not wait patiently for my heart's desire. I don't think it will ever come. I don't think He will do it for me. Maybe I should take matters in my own hands? He doesn't care enough because He hasn't given it to me yet. I'm so full of myself. It's a different kind of pride attacking me - not the arrogant "I'm the best" kind of pride. It's the opposite of that. It's the "I'm not worthy of any good thing" kind of pride. More quiet perhaps, but just as deadly.
That's as far as I've gotten in the book. She got through the desert and ascended the Precipice of Injury. She's about to go into the Forest of Danger and Tribulation. She's learning many things. She's learning about acceptance with Joy. She's learning to accept Sorrow and Suffering. I'm so much like her - much afraid of giving up myself and leaning on the Shepherd. My pastor gave me hope and comfort on Sunday. He said that spiritual growth is slow. We live in a culture where everything is based on speed. We want it now and usually we get it now. Spiritual growth is not like that. You don't really see it happening. He compared it to watching children grow. We could stare at them for days, but we won't see it happen.
Just remember, it does happen. It takes effort and trust and work. But it does happen.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Monday, July 09, 2007
Subtle Reminders
How can you not love Star Wars? I'm reading Sacrifice, which is part of the Expanded Universe. I have to give you a little background so that what I want to say makes sense.
Hopefully you all know Luke and Leia. Well, Leia married Han Solo and they had 3 kids: twins Jacen & Jaina and Anakin. Luke married a lady named Mara Jade and they had one son, Ben (named after Ben Kenobi). Sacrifice is set about 40 years after Episode IV (A New Hope). Jacen has decided the only way to save the galaxy (the galaxy is always in trouble) is to become a Sith like his grandfather Darth Vader. Luke knows that trouble is brewing - he can feel the dark side coming closer. But Jacen is such an powerful Jedi, Luke can not pinpoint the danger. Luke fears for his son Ben. He thinks the dark side is after Ben. He has no idea what his nephew Jacen is up to.
One night, Luke is awakened and feels the dark side near. It's been in his home. (It was the Sith teacher, Lumiya - but that's getting into detail that will only confuse you. I'll spare you.) He realizes that over the years, he has allowed himself to become "management" instead of rushing to the aide of the needy as he did when he was younger. He thinks:
Even the "always a good girl" Erin forgot. I'm more in my right mind now. I've been talking about it with good friends. I'm not trying to do it all by myself. I've opened communication with God again. :-) I'm not saying exactly what He wants to hear, I'm sure, but at least I'm talking to Him again. I'm trying to remember.
Of course, it is easy to have convictions when the temptation is in California. . . .
Hopefully you all know Luke and Leia. Well, Leia married Han Solo and they had 3 kids: twins Jacen & Jaina and Anakin. Luke married a lady named Mara Jade and they had one son, Ben (named after Ben Kenobi). Sacrifice is set about 40 years after Episode IV (A New Hope). Jacen has decided the only way to save the galaxy (the galaxy is always in trouble) is to become a Sith like his grandfather Darth Vader. Luke knows that trouble is brewing - he can feel the dark side coming closer. But Jacen is such an powerful Jedi, Luke can not pinpoint the danger. Luke fears for his son Ben. He thinks the dark side is after Ben. He has no idea what his nephew Jacen is up to.
One night, Luke is awakened and feels the dark side near. It's been in his home. (It was the Sith teacher, Lumiya - but that's getting into detail that will only confuse you. I'll spare you.) He realizes that over the years, he has allowed himself to become "management" instead of rushing to the aide of the needy as he did when he was younger. He thinks:
I know what my problem is. And now I act sensibly and soberly, because I'm the leader of the Jedi Council, and I'm not nineteen anymore.Even the great Luke Skywalker forgot.
What he did best was right wrongs, and if he couldn't put this right for his only child, then what was he?
I forgot who I am.
He was an uncomplicated man who cared enough about his friends and family to die for them, if that was what it took to save them.
Even the "always a good girl" Erin forgot. I'm more in my right mind now. I've been talking about it with good friends. I'm not trying to do it all by myself. I've opened communication with God again. :-) I'm not saying exactly what He wants to hear, I'm sure, but at least I'm talking to Him again. I'm trying to remember.
Of course, it is easy to have convictions when the temptation is in California. . . .
Sunday, July 08, 2007
Easy to Forget
Felt like a fraud walking into church tonight. I know I've let God down with a current decision. I haven't totally crossed the line, but let's just say I got closer than I thought I would. Oh, it's so easy to have convictions when there's no temptation in front of you. It's so easy to say what I would or would not do when it's just me. Alone. What a joke I am. I still haven't really talked about it all with God. I've failed Him and it's hard to face. And part of me still wants the fun. Am I one of those Christians? The kind who knows our God is forgiving so I'll do what I want because I know He'll forgive me? I don't want to be one of those. That's a pathetic way to use His grace. I'm not like that. Am I?
We sang a few songs and I got teary. I almost always get teary during worship. I get filled up and it overflows. Then a song was played that just broke me. I sat down in shame and just cried and listened. I couldn't even remember the song at the end of service. Luckily someone else did. It's called Everything by Lifehouse. The part that got me was:
Guess what the sermon was about? How we, as Christians, can feel so moved by God - so close to Him - and then just forget. We just forget. You know the people who say if they could just see God then they would believe? It doesn't happen that way. Think of the Israelites being led by Moses out of Egypt. They saw God's miracles. They saw the plagues, the parting of the Red Sea, the pillar of fire, the manna coming to them every single day! How quickly they forgot and built a golden cow! I always thought they were so stupid. I'm so stupid. Even the disciples - they got to walk with Jesus. They got to see His miracles first hand! They got to touch Him. They saw Him die. And when He returned to them, Matthew 28:17 tells us "When they saw Him, they worshiped Him; but some doubted." How can that be? Some of them doubted? Here is their risen Savior in front of them and they don't quite buy it. The pastor speaking tonight, Beau, led us to Deuteronomy 6:4-9. This is how we don't forget.
I need a miracle.
We sang a few songs and I got teary. I almost always get teary during worship. I get filled up and it overflows. Then a song was played that just broke me. I sat down in shame and just cried and listened. I couldn't even remember the song at the end of service. Luckily someone else did. It's called Everything by Lifehouse. The part that got me was:
You are the light to my soulI sat down and whispered I've failed You and couldn't stop crying. The guy singing tonight was awesome. I was completely surrounded by that song and my guilty heart.
You are my purpose
You're everything
and how can I stand here with You
and not be moved by You
Guess what the sermon was about? How we, as Christians, can feel so moved by God - so close to Him - and then just forget. We just forget. You know the people who say if they could just see God then they would believe? It doesn't happen that way. Think of the Israelites being led by Moses out of Egypt. They saw God's miracles. They saw the plagues, the parting of the Red Sea, the pillar of fire, the manna coming to them every single day! How quickly they forgot and built a golden cow! I always thought they were so stupid. I'm so stupid. Even the disciples - they got to walk with Jesus. They got to see His miracles first hand! They got to touch Him. They saw Him die. And when He returned to them, Matthew 28:17 tells us "When they saw Him, they worshiped Him; but some doubted." How can that be? Some of them doubted? Here is their risen Savior in front of them and they don't quite buy it. The pastor speaking tonight, Beau, led us to Deuteronomy 6:4-9. This is how we don't forget.
Attention, Israel! God, our God! God the one and only! Love God, your God, with your whole heart: love Him with all that's in you, love Him with all you've got! Write these commandments that I've given you today on your hearts. Get them inside of you and then get them inside your children. Talk about them wherever you are, sitting at home or walking in the street; talk about them from the time you get up in the morning to when you fall into bed at night. Tie them on your hands and foreheads as a reminder; inscribe them on the doorposts of your homes and on your city gates. (msg)Why do we forget? Why do our hearts wander so easily? Why is it so hard? I'm still looking in that pit and it sure looks fun. How can I see both sides and still be torn? I'm afraid I've already made the wrong decision and I'm just waiting for it to happen. I'm pretty confident that the choice will be in front of me again. Thankfully the choice is out of town right now on business, so I have a little time. This was super easy when I was in my teens. Then I made the wrong decision and married 4 years later because he already had my heart. 17 years have passed and the choice is back. Oh, but I can justify my choice right now. It's amazing how easy I can justify what I want. I actually think I can control my heart. I actually think I can keep it separate. I've tried to pray that God will take the choice away, but I don't really mean it. Surely God knows that. I'm holding it tight in my fist - I don't want to let go.
I need a miracle.
Saturday, July 07, 2007
Choices
You know it's a good date when you can write 7 pages about it in your journal. Weird how it took me 2 days to process it all before writing it down. Yeah, I do analyze things too much.
I was kind of hoping that one great date would suffice for awhile, you know? Like I'd be able to carry on for awhile not dating because at least I had one. But I want more. I want more now. It gave me the courage to ask my mechanic (who is a neighbor and I taught his daughter 12 years ago when she was in 4th) if another mechanic at his shop was married. I've thought this guy Kevin was cute ever since my divorce. So 4 years I've been eyeballing this guy - dark hair, beautiful eyes, great smile, goatee, and a full sleeve tattoo! (sounds just like me doesn't it?) Turns out he's not married. But my mechanic doesn't think he's good enough for me. James said Kevin is a great guy and awesome with kids. James even went so far as to say that Kevin would be a great dad one day. He's dated some single moms and is just great. But he's not good enough for me. I think James' exact words were that he was a man-whore, but can't I decide some of this stuff myself? James said he didn't want to get too much in my business, but he wouldn't want Kevin to date his own daughter. AUGH! It seems that no one will ever be good enough for me. Yes, I could look at it as protection and be thankful. But I've never been wild. Ever. Never ever! I was the good girl my whole life. Right now I don't want to be a good girl. I want to go a little wild.
And that, my friends, is a very dangerous path. I guess I need prayer, but can't seem to do it myself. I'm letting God down, I know. Have I even discussed any of this with Him? Nope. Been avoiding Him a bit. Because I know what He'll say and I won't like it and it won't be fun. Oh, it'll be better for me - His way is always better. But it won't be fun right now.
So now I'm standing at a pit, looking down at all the "fun" that is below me. It's right now fun. It's not wait for the future that may never come fun. It's right now. I want right now. I may never get the future. And I want it. I deserve it. But I look away from the pit. Standing behind me is a Man who loves me. He's got His arms open. I can see the holes in His hands. He loves me that much. I do love Him. And I know He knows best. But I won't get to feel His arms around me for such a long time. So I glance back into the pit. It sure looks fun in there. I do wonder why it's in a pit - fun shouldn't be in a pit, right?
What choice will I make?
I was kind of hoping that one great date would suffice for awhile, you know? Like I'd be able to carry on for awhile not dating because at least I had one. But I want more. I want more now. It gave me the courage to ask my mechanic (who is a neighbor and I taught his daughter 12 years ago when she was in 4th) if another mechanic at his shop was married. I've thought this guy Kevin was cute ever since my divorce. So 4 years I've been eyeballing this guy - dark hair, beautiful eyes, great smile, goatee, and a full sleeve tattoo! (sounds just like me doesn't it?) Turns out he's not married. But my mechanic doesn't think he's good enough for me. James said Kevin is a great guy and awesome with kids. James even went so far as to say that Kevin would be a great dad one day. He's dated some single moms and is just great. But he's not good enough for me. I think James' exact words were that he was a man-whore, but can't I decide some of this stuff myself? James said he didn't want to get too much in my business, but he wouldn't want Kevin to date his own daughter. AUGH! It seems that no one will ever be good enough for me. Yes, I could look at it as protection and be thankful. But I've never been wild. Ever. Never ever! I was the good girl my whole life. Right now I don't want to be a good girl. I want to go a little wild.
And that, my friends, is a very dangerous path. I guess I need prayer, but can't seem to do it myself. I'm letting God down, I know. Have I even discussed any of this with Him? Nope. Been avoiding Him a bit. Because I know what He'll say and I won't like it and it won't be fun. Oh, it'll be better for me - His way is always better. But it won't be fun right now.
So now I'm standing at a pit, looking down at all the "fun" that is below me. It's right now fun. It's not wait for the future that may never come fun. It's right now. I want right now. I may never get the future. And I want it. I deserve it. But I look away from the pit. Standing behind me is a Man who loves me. He's got His arms open. I can see the holes in His hands. He loves me that much. I do love Him. And I know He knows best. But I won't get to feel His arms around me for such a long time. So I glance back into the pit. It sure looks fun in there. I do wonder why it's in a pit - fun shouldn't be in a pit, right?
What choice will I make?
Friday, July 06, 2007
Box
I don't think dating stinks anymore.
It's interesting to me how what you think you are can change so quickly. I always viewed myself in one way. Picture me in a certain box. I've been in that box for my whole life. Yeah, we know Erin. She's the girl in that box. You can always count on her to be in the same one. Forever. I'm not sure I want to be in that same box for all time. Stepping out of my box at this moment seems very exciting, but maybe dangerous. I don't know.
I think I've seen too many movies.
It's interesting to me how what you think you are can change so quickly. I always viewed myself in one way. Picture me in a certain box. I've been in that box for my whole life. Yeah, we know Erin. She's the girl in that box. You can always count on her to be in the same one. Forever. I'm not sure I want to be in that same box for all time. Stepping out of my box at this moment seems very exciting, but maybe dangerous. I don't know.
I think I've seen too many movies.
Monday, July 02, 2007
Dating Stinks
Is it normal for someone to ask you out and you not hear from them for a week? I hate dating! I'm pretty sure I'm going to tell the guy (if I ever hear from him again) that I don't want to go out any more. He obviously doesn't want to very much or I'd be hearing from him, right? It's been over a week! I'm not a sucker who will just go out with someone who isn't showing much interest. And no, I haven't tried contacting him. I don't call or IM men. It's their job to pursue me. I'll send an email - but not even very many of those.
Come on guys! Step up to the plate and be a man! Ask her out, but only if you like her. Let her know somehow. Sheesh! Email her. Text her. IM her. Do something!
I'm trying really hard to not go down the "what's wrong with me" slippery slope, although I'm very close to the edge. I'm teetering on the edge. And it's very very slippery.
I'm going to the movies with a girlfriend. At least I know Rachel loves me.
Come on guys! Step up to the plate and be a man! Ask her out, but only if you like her. Let her know somehow. Sheesh! Email her. Text her. IM her. Do something!
I'm trying really hard to not go down the "what's wrong with me" slippery slope, although I'm very close to the edge. I'm teetering on the edge. And it's very very slippery.
I'm going to the movies with a girlfriend. At least I know Rachel loves me.
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