You know it's a good date when you can write 7 pages about it in your journal. Weird how it took me 2 days to process it all before writing it down. Yeah, I do analyze things too much.
I was kind of hoping that one great date would suffice for awhile, you know? Like I'd be able to carry on for awhile not dating because at least I had one. But I want more. I want more now. It gave me the courage to ask my mechanic (who is a neighbor and I taught his daughter 12 years ago when she was in 4th) if another mechanic at his shop was married. I've thought this guy Kevin was cute ever since my divorce. So 4 years I've been eyeballing this guy - dark hair, beautiful eyes, great smile, goatee, and a full sleeve tattoo! (sounds just like me doesn't it?) Turns out he's not married. But my mechanic doesn't think he's good enough for me. James said Kevin is a great guy and awesome with kids. James even went so far as to say that Kevin would be a great dad one day. He's dated some single moms and is just great. But he's not good enough for me. I think James' exact words were that he was a man-whore, but can't I decide some of this stuff myself? James said he didn't want to get too much in my business, but he wouldn't want Kevin to date his own daughter. AUGH! It seems that no one will ever be good enough for me. Yes, I could look at it as protection and be thankful. But I've never been wild. Ever. Never ever! I was the good girl my whole life. Right now I don't want to be a good girl. I want to go a little wild.
And that, my friends, is a very dangerous path. I guess I need prayer, but can't seem to do it myself. I'm letting God down, I know. Have I even discussed any of this with Him? Nope. Been avoiding Him a bit. Because I know what He'll say and I won't like it and it won't be fun. Oh, it'll be better for me - His way is always better. But it won't be fun right now.
So now I'm standing at a pit, looking down at all the "fun" that is below me. It's right now fun. It's not wait for the future that may never come fun. It's right now. I want right now. I may never get the future. And I want it. I deserve it. But I look away from the pit. Standing behind me is a Man who loves me. He's got His arms open. I can see the holes in His hands. He loves me that much. I do love Him. And I know He knows best. But I won't get to feel His arms around me for such a long time. So I glance back into the pit. It sure looks fun in there. I do wonder why it's in a pit - fun shouldn't be in a pit, right?
What choice will I make?
11 comments:
Speaking from EXPERIENCE, what you think will be "fun" will NOT be; and what you think will not be fun WILL be. Those are not just "nice words either...they come from "been there, done that"...recently!
Word of warning from someone who was married for a long time, was a GOOD girl, got divorced and decided I wanted to have a little "fun"... It nearly took my life and my soul...both literally! Looked like fun, on the surface, nearly ripped my heart and soul right out of me. You are on very dangerous ground, my sister!
My prayers are with you that you heed the warning that I didn't!
This sounds a bit like how they tell you that once you have the baby you don't remember the pain you went through delivering it (something I know NOTHING about). When your marriage ended, there were promises you made to yourself (and I'm sure to God) based on lessons you learned that would prevent you from making similar choices in the future. You came out with new standards for yourself and for the man you would eventually find. You made promises because you KNEW that certain steps down a certain path lead you to heartbreak. You have a fresh start now and a clearer understanding than you did before. Don't fall to Satan's temptations the first time out the gate. They are both showing you the truth: Satan's perspective: You can "see" right now and it will feel good for a second - that's true, but what then? And God's truth: He has something eternal for you with blessings both earthly and heavenly that you CAN'T see right now - who are you going to follow? Who are you going to trust with your next step?
Oh yeah, and by the way - I LOVE YOU!!!
Totally broken in church tonight during the music. And of course, the sermon was just for me. I'll write about it more in a bit.
I've just lost faith that there is a Godly man out there for me. I don't believe it. I don't have hope. So my mind is telling me to give in because the dream will never happen. You know? I see them at church all the time, but they already have someone. I don't get second looks. I'm forgettable - the guy I work the nursery with every Sunday since October couldn't remember my name! What's up with that? I know it was a momentary lapse - I do it to, but it shouts to me that I don't show up.
I'm emotional right now so it's probably not a good time to vent. You don't need to hear my deepest crap.
Erin- I know these things are tough...BELIEVE me, I know and understand. DON'T lose hope...I know that's easier said than done but the right one is out there...it just HAS to happen according to the time on God's Rolex , not your's. I know that really SUCKS sometimes, but you know that it's right This is something I have really had to remind myself of lately..A LOT. A
Anyway, my prayers are with you as well.
Can I just say that you are a great writer? I mean the whole looking down into the pit analogy is great.
Unfortunately, if that is how you are feeling and are being tempted, that isn't so great. I'm here if you want to talk. I've spent a lot of time in that pit and I know now that I don't ever want to go back there and want to encourage anybody I can to turn around and run to Jesus who is waiting with His arms open.
I appreciate you all so much.
Here's my only thing and please don't take it wrong. Everyone keeps telling me that they've spent time in that pit. I know you've experienced heartache and misery because of it, but you also got to experience the fun. Oh - that sounds so horrible. Hopefully you know what I mean. I have NOT experienced ANY of that fun. I wish I could give more details, but my fun wasn't all that great. Talking in circles - sorry! Embarrassing myself too - that's always enjoyable. My feeble little brain is curious as to whether I'm missing anything. I'm not asking for you to assure me that I'm missing nothing. I know according to all that I believe in that purity is worth it. Blah, blah, blah. You know?
But sometimes, I just wonder.
The point of blogs is honesty right? I'm just being open. Maybe it's too much? Maybe someone should tell me it's too much.
Erin. You are not alone in asking this question. I have had many friends that have spent plenty of time in the pit with no apparent consequences whatsoever. I would go so far as to say that they have been blessed and favored because of it...at least on this earth. It's a tough and valid question, one I struggle with all the time.
The only caution I would throw in here (and maybe one that contributes to the challenge of what to do)is: to God, a sin is a sin is a sin. So, someone who commits a sin of the flesh is just as "wrong" as someone who lies or gossips, or any of the "little" sins we commit 100 times a day. So, I would "argue" that these people who seem to have been blessed "because" of the sins are more likely to have been blessed IN SPITE of them. The physical sin is a lot tougher for us (humans) to ignore because it hits so many of our senses, but the "little" sins we commit each day of lust and gossip and all the others that we can so easily disregard, are just as wrong and punishable by God. So, He will bless you Erin as He chooses to. And, I've struggled (as you know) with why was it OK for so-and-so and not OK for me... no sin goes without impacting us (though some are easier for us to recognize than others) and God will continue to bless us regardless of what sin we committed that second. That's not to say I don't believe in reprecussions or penalties, but I also believe in grace and forgiveness from God in spite of what we've done.
Lance - thanks for your comment. It helps to know others struggle.
I have to say that one word you used bothered me. "blessed and favored because of it." It's the because that strikes me weird. I don't think people can be blessed because of sin. I think they can be blessed in spite of sin. Do you see what I mean? God is the One who blesses and it goes against His nature to bless someone because of sin. I know you put "at least on this earth" so maybe that's what you meant anyway.
Just my opinion - not trying to offend or step on toes.
I used the word "because" intentionally. I meant that the "experience" gained through sexual sin is often beneficial and almost always forgiven on this earth in my observation. I'm not condoning sexual sin however, just playing "devils advocate". Great post!
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