People send them to me because there is one Yoda dog. I broke down this year. Check out below for my Yoda Hobbes. (Just wait until you see our Christmas card this year!)
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Yoda
You know how I love Star Wars. Every October people send me the email that shows all the pictures of dogs dressed up for Halloween. If you don't know what I'm talking about, let me know and I'll send one to you. They are funny!
People send them to me because there is one Yoda dog. I broke down this year. Check out below for my Yoda Hobbes. (Just wait until you see our Christmas card this year!)
People send them to me because there is one Yoda dog. I broke down this year. Check out below for my Yoda Hobbes. (Just wait until you see our Christmas card this year!)
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
God Laughs
Elyssa and I started watching Evan Almighty tonight. It's really good! The greatest part so far is when Morgan Freeman (playing God) tells Evan to build an Ark. Evan tells God that building an ark wasn't really in his plans. He had other things to do. God just laughs hysterically.
Can't you just picture Him laughing when we tell Him our most important plans?
My focus is supposed to be on surrender. Who knew that Evan Almighty would remind me of that?
It also reminded me that God does what He does because He loves me. Evan asks why God is doing all this to Him. God says immediately, "Because I love you."
Can't you just picture Him laughing when we tell Him our most important plans?
My focus is supposed to be on surrender. Who knew that Evan Almighty would remind me of that?
It also reminded me that God does what He does because He loves me. Evan asks why God is doing all this to Him. God says immediately, "Because I love you."
Monday, October 22, 2007
Surrender
So I have value issues. I don't think I'm valuable. I was reminded today that I have to surrender it to God. Surrender. I've never once thought about surrendering that to God. Not once have I prayed about my own value issues. Never.
I'm sure it's because I have never thought I was valuable enough to pray about it.
Such pride - the opposite of what we usually think of as pride, but it sure as heck is. Wow. And Satan's used that to keep me down. You don't like the road you're on? Get off that road. Ugh. Why stay on the sucky road?
I'm supposed to really think and reflect and write about surrendering my crap to Him this week. Letting go of the clenched fist. Trusting that He is enough.
Digging into the crap in your heart is not fun or easy. It's good, but hard. More to come.
I'm sure it's because I have never thought I was valuable enough to pray about it.
Such pride - the opposite of what we usually think of as pride, but it sure as heck is. Wow. And Satan's used that to keep me down. You don't like the road you're on? Get off that road. Ugh. Why stay on the sucky road?
I'm supposed to really think and reflect and write about surrendering my crap to Him this week. Letting go of the clenched fist. Trusting that He is enough.
Digging into the crap in your heart is not fun or easy. It's good, but hard. More to come.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
What's Wrong?
People keep asking me if I'm OK. What's the deal with that? Am I OK? I think I'm OK. Who knows.
More later.
More later.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
So Simple. So Profound
My counselor is having me think about my thinking. I spend so much of my time believing Satan's lies. She's having me fill out a worksheet type thing to help me change my way of listening to Satan and instead turning to God's truth.
I filled out my first one today. I don't know how to explain it all - well, I probably could but don't want to take the time right now. Basically it's looking deeply at the automatic thoughts that I have. I have to take those automatic thoughts (all the negative crap I say to myself in my head) and realize that they are lies from Satan. Those automatic thoughts lead to core beliefs. (Some core beliefs are great while others need to go!) Then I have to pick a correlating truth from God's word that shows how wrong the lie is.
This is just plain secular counseling/psychology. The Christian counselor just adds the Christian step to it - finding God's truth.
For example, one negative/automatic thought I had today led me to a core belief that I'm not valuable. That's nothing new; you've all heard that from me if you've read here for very long. The I'm not valuable core belief is a load of crap. It's a lie that Satan uses to keep me from living fully. (Of course that's easy to say - I know it in my head. I'm working on keeping it in my heart.) The next step is to find God's truth. So I was reading through the list that she gave me. One said "I am Christ's friend." (John 15:15) You know that teary/overwhelmed/filled with the Spirit kind of feeling that overtakes you sometimes when a real truth comes to life? The simple thought that I am Christ's friend just filled me up. Jesus, He's a pretty incredible guy, right? And He calls me friend? Do you know how amazing that is? I am important enough for Him to call me friend. I have value - even if the whole world is against me.
I'M CURED!
No, just kidding. It'll take a lot more of that to permanently change my thinking. But it's a start.
The other thing that was cool about Monday's meeting - we talked about my desire to be married again. I said something about what if God's plan is that I never marry again? She very simply said she doubts that is true. If the desire is there so deeply to be married again, then it's probably from Him and it will happen. But I've got to stop trying to fill that spot with a man. I've got to give that spot to Him and let Him keep it. I don't know what it was about her saying the same thing that everyone else has been saying, but it just filled me with utter peace. Will that peace last forever? Probably not.
But it's a start.
(Oh yeah - a new Star Wars book came out today! Yippee!)
I filled out my first one today. I don't know how to explain it all - well, I probably could but don't want to take the time right now. Basically it's looking deeply at the automatic thoughts that I have. I have to take those automatic thoughts (all the negative crap I say to myself in my head) and realize that they are lies from Satan. Those automatic thoughts lead to core beliefs. (Some core beliefs are great while others need to go!) Then I have to pick a correlating truth from God's word that shows how wrong the lie is.
This is just plain secular counseling/psychology. The Christian counselor just adds the Christian step to it - finding God's truth.
For example, one negative/automatic thought I had today led me to a core belief that I'm not valuable. That's nothing new; you've all heard that from me if you've read here for very long. The I'm not valuable core belief is a load of crap. It's a lie that Satan uses to keep me from living fully. (Of course that's easy to say - I know it in my head. I'm working on keeping it in my heart.) The next step is to find God's truth. So I was reading through the list that she gave me. One said "I am Christ's friend." (John 15:15) You know that teary/overwhelmed/filled with the Spirit kind of feeling that overtakes you sometimes when a real truth comes to life? The simple thought that I am Christ's friend just filled me up. Jesus, He's a pretty incredible guy, right? And He calls me friend? Do you know how amazing that is? I am important enough for Him to call me friend. I have value - even if the whole world is against me.
I'M CURED!
No, just kidding. It'll take a lot more of that to permanently change my thinking. But it's a start.
The other thing that was cool about Monday's meeting - we talked about my desire to be married again. I said something about what if God's plan is that I never marry again? She very simply said she doubts that is true. If the desire is there so deeply to be married again, then it's probably from Him and it will happen. But I've got to stop trying to fill that spot with a man. I've got to give that spot to Him and let Him keep it. I don't know what it was about her saying the same thing that everyone else has been saying, but it just filled me with utter peace. Will that peace last forever? Probably not.
But it's a start.
(Oh yeah - a new Star Wars book came out today! Yippee!)
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Why Counseling?
I'm so excited by my step in going to see a counselor. It went great on Friday. Most of that was just background stuff - how I grew up and all that jazz. I sound like I could be a tragic movie - adopted, alcoholic father, drug addict brother in jail, mother who was so overwhelmed by the two mess-ups in the family that there was not much time for me, grandmother who never seemed to really love me since I'm not related by blood, husband who cheated and left me. . . I could be a Lifetime movie. But I don't feel like a Lifetime movie, you know? It's just amusing to me.
Anyway, it's funny how easy it was to talk to Ann. You know me and talking to people I don't know. I guess it's because I knew that I was there to heal my heart and she was there to help me do that. At one point she made some Christian comment - I can't remember exactly what - but I got a flutter in my heart. It's hard to explain. It's like - let's see - how can I explain it? I've been around Christians my whole life. But there are too many Christians who miss the personal relationship piece of Christianity. There are too many surface only, go to church on Sunday because that's what you're supposed to do kinds of Christians out there. In my home group and with some friends - Christ is so real. It's just cool. Anyway, my counselor said something and I got that flutter. It was like a peace that enveloped my heart - like I was doing the right thing. I got that feeling one other time that sticks out in my memory - when I had to let a friend go last December because I couldn't keep my heart in check. The peace that came in my heart was so real - that one hurt tremendously, but it was the same kind of feeling. It's just the Holy Spirit telling me I'm doing the right thing.
Ann asked me to list some reasons for why I felt that I needed counseling. I did that last Thursday night, but thought it might be interesting to let you guys know too. Plus I wanted to rethink it all again, after meeting with her that one time.
So why do I want counseling? I feel that my heart is still broken from the loss of my marriage. And while I think I've done some great healing - something is still not right. Pastor Matt says when we hear these stirrings in our heart, it's the Holy Spirit trying to woo us. We should listen.
Church tonight was awesome yet again. I broke down during a song. It's funny because I put on extra mascara today - I'm always hearing how two coats of mascara is better than one so I thought I'd try it. Dorky. I'm not much of a makeup person. So I've got these LONG eyelashes tonight (it did look pretty) and totally lose it during a song. That'll teach me. Nice black smudges on the Kleenex. Have you heard this one?
Anyway, it's funny how easy it was to talk to Ann. You know me and talking to people I don't know. I guess it's because I knew that I was there to heal my heart and she was there to help me do that. At one point she made some Christian comment - I can't remember exactly what - but I got a flutter in my heart. It's hard to explain. It's like - let's see - how can I explain it? I've been around Christians my whole life. But there are too many Christians who miss the personal relationship piece of Christianity. There are too many surface only, go to church on Sunday because that's what you're supposed to do kinds of Christians out there. In my home group and with some friends - Christ is so real. It's just cool. Anyway, my counselor said something and I got that flutter. It was like a peace that enveloped my heart - like I was doing the right thing. I got that feeling one other time that sticks out in my memory - when I had to let a friend go last December because I couldn't keep my heart in check. The peace that came in my heart was so real - that one hurt tremendously, but it was the same kind of feeling. It's just the Holy Spirit telling me I'm doing the right thing.
Ann asked me to list some reasons for why I felt that I needed counseling. I did that last Thursday night, but thought it might be interesting to let you guys know too. Plus I wanted to rethink it all again, after meeting with her that one time.
So why do I want counseling? I feel that my heart is still broken from the loss of my marriage. And while I think I've done some great healing - something is still not right. Pastor Matt says when we hear these stirrings in our heart, it's the Holy Spirit trying to woo us. We should listen.
- I want to believe in my heart that God loves me unconditionally. I keep equating His love with the love I've experienced from humans. I've been let down so much. Why does He continue to love me? I know I let God down all the time. And He still loves me? Why? I know in my head that He loves me . Occasionally I know it in my heart. He shows me all the time. I wish I could tell you how often I've underlined "unfailing love" in my Bible in the last few months. He's constantly reminding me, but I'm still fighting it. Why? I want to fall deeply into His love and safety and never ever step away from it. I want His love to be enough for all time. But I'm scared to let go . . . .
- I want to be married again so badly but I'm still broken and I believe God wants me to work on that brokenness before He will ever allow a man to join with my heart. What good will a broken heart be in a new marriage?
- I want to stop the negative thoughts. I feel so worthless so much of the time. I hate it. I want to stop thinking horrible things about myself.
- I know all the answers in my head. But I won't move that knowledge to my heart. Why? What is blocking that transformation?
- I'm sick of being a people pleaser. Not that I want to stop pleasing others, but I want to stop wondering all the time what people think of me. Loving others is my nature - I want to stop wondering if they accept me. I want to stop worrying about letting others down in trivial matters.
Church tonight was awesome yet again. I broke down during a song. It's funny because I put on extra mascara today - I'm always hearing how two coats of mascara is better than one so I thought I'd try it. Dorky. I'm not much of a makeup person. So I've got these LONG eyelashes tonight (it did look pretty) and totally lose it during a song. That'll teach me. Nice black smudges on the Kleenex. Have you heard this one?
MEET WITH ME by Ross King (C) 1999 Ross KingWhen we got to the line of "Just for a moment to lay at the feet of the Lord" I had to find Kleenex. That's what I long for. . . .
I will run to the cleft of the mountain and wait for You.
Will You come and meet with me?
I will wait in the cleft of the mountain for You to pass by,
Will You come and meet with me?
Oh, what a joy it would be,
Just for a moment to lay at the feet of the Lord,
Oh more than anything, that’s what I long for.
Oh, what a change it would bring,
Just to look deep in the face of the King who gave all,
You gave everything so You could meet with me,
Will You meet with me?
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Slammed Upside the Head
My crazy awesome life is going well. I have things I want to write about but can't find the time to do it. Things like how God is slamming me with the truth of being content with my lot in life - even at 2 am when I get up to let the darn dog outside and click on the computer while I'm waiting, with the total intent of JUST shutting down. But, hmmm, let me quickly check a few blogs. Oh, wait, here's a new link, let's check this blog out. SLAM - "Be content with where you are Erin!" I love it that He always knows what I need to hear. There are no coincidences!
Please pray for me as I start with my counselor on Friday. I'm so ready to dig into my soul and reach for the deep real authentic life that Pastor Matt is always talking about.
Please pray for me as I start with my counselor on Friday. I'm so ready to dig into my soul and reach for the deep real authentic life that Pastor Matt is always talking about.
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