Stagnant

That's how I feel. I'm stuck. There's something I'm not getting - something I'm not doing right. There's something I need to learn or something I need to accept and I just can't seem to get there.

It's sounds hokey but I'm supposed to be envisioning my inner child going up to God the Father and allowing Him to love me. I'm struggling with that. The question I'm supposed to be answering is why am I struggling with getting there? What's holding me back?

It's going to take me admitting that my childhood wasn't perfect. I mean, no one's childhood was perfect. But mine lacked something fundamental and I'm having a hard time accepting that. My parents loved me. But somewhere along the way, I accepted as truth that I wasn't very important. Everyone deserves more attention than me. Everyone needs it more than me. But I'm learning that I actually needed it too. That little girl always went into her room and read a book because there was so much drama out with everyone else. Don't get me wrong - I'm not putting blame on my parents. They did what they could. It's not their fault so much as it is just something that I needed that I didn't get. It still happens now. My parents don't come down to my house anymore. My grandmother is too old and going downhill. Once again, someone else is more important than me. I think my dad tries to make up for it like he used to. He's getting some work done on my house - it's getting repainted, the wood is getting replaced. I'm paying for new flower beds. We're getting a new fence. I need those things - my fence is about to fall over. Seriously, a tree is holding it up on one side. But what I want more than the outside of my house being pretty is that my family would want to spend time with me - down here at my house. We always go there.

Then I struggle with feeling badly because my grandmother is 94 years old. Doesn't she deserve the extra time and effort? But I think what I'm supposed to see is that I deserve the time and effort too. Don't I?

My counselor says that I have to get that within myself. My value doesn't come from outside - it comes from God and God alone. It's funny how I'm 37 years old and I'm still wanting to feel important to my parents. It's all I've wanted - to feel important to someone. That's why I want a man - I want a man to make me feel important. But that's just grasping at air. It's not going to fill me up. I constantly doubt my value to all who claim to care about me. Do they really? It's not them. It's me. I don't think I have value so I can't accept it from others. Does that make sense?

It's funny how I'll think I have that core belief beaten back, but it's still there. The value of Erin.

Please don't leave me a comment with how valuable you think I am or how much value I have in Christ. That's not what I'm looking for at all. It's me who has to think I'm valuable. It's me who has to do it. It's me who has to see my worth in Him. You telling me doesn't make me believe it any better. You can just pray for me - that I'll get it - that I'll learn it. Pray that I'll believe it so I can get on with my life and be what He wants me to be.