Avoidance

I'm here at church, up in the booth, listening to people chatting after church. I wish I belonged like that. I wish I had people to talk to. But I hide up here all alone. It's pathetic.

I avoid people. I know I do it, but can't seem to break the cycle. It's depressing. It's so ingrained - I don't know how to change.

When I was parking my car, I found a spot away from people. I actually had the thought, "if I park here I won't have to talk to the parking people." And all that would have required was a smile and hello. Difficult, right? I will wait until the lobby clears before going to the restroom because I'm afraid everyone out there will look at me and who knows what they are thinking.

I did it last night at my soccer game too. I'd come off the field and go way down to the end away from people. I'm not sure what exactly is my reasoning. I guess deep down, I don't think people would care about me. So then I probably come across snobby.

I can stand in front of 500 children and not feel threatened at all. But peers? Forget it.

I'm jealous of the ease others seem to have. It sucks. And what will I do after working this service? Go home and watch a movie by myself.

I wish I believed the promises of God a little better.

Control/Trust

I had dinner with 2 friends tonight. It refreshes my soul to be around godly women, especially after hearing so much from the world about how life is supposed to work itself out. What a difference! Matt made the comment last Sunday about how God's economy is flipped upside down to the world's economy. Everything God is opposite of everything in the world. Sometimes I think I can have it both ways. I somehow keep trying to make God's way fit with the world's way. It's not working out for me very well. It's helpful to put it all back in perspective again.

I mentioned not wanting to mess up whatever path God has me on now. I want to do things God's way and not my way. Luci mentioned a verse about "thwarting" so when I got home I looked it up. I found Job 42:2 "I know that You can do all things and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted." What a great promise! God is in control. Nothing I do can mess up anything that God has planned. On the flip side, nothing I do can make things happen if they aren't God's plan. I found Isaiah 14:27 too. "For the Lord of hosts has purposed, and who will annul it? His hand is stretched out, and who will turn it back?" If I will simply trust Him.

Psalm 27:14 Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!

I obsess at times about taking Bible verses out of context. That's a good thing, in a way, but a bad thing too because sometimes I don't belive God's promises are really written for me. They were written for whoever long ago, but not to me. I found Habakkuk 2:3-4.

For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end - it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay. Behold his soul is puffed up; it is not upright within him, but the righteous shall live by his faith.

So I was thinking, whatever the vision is, it is going to happen at the time God wants it to happen. It may seem slow, but it's God's plan - He knows the best time for things to happen. And the guy's soul that is puffed up - he's a guy who thinks he knows what's best - full of pride - it's not going to work out for him. But the righteous one, the one who is trusting in God, the vision is going to work out for him somehow, when God is ready for it to work out. He's living by faith and is going to accept God's plan for his life.

Then I was thinking - what if I'm making all that up and that's not what Habakkuk meant at all? So I looked in the notes and was pleasently surprised. "While the phrase, 'his soul is puffed up' refers primarily to Babylon in this context, it could include anyone who is proud. It will take faith to wait patiently for God's plan to unfold, but the rigtheous believe that God will accomplish it."

Then I wondered if God's plan only refers to Christ and how He justifies and sanctifies us - you know The Big Picture. Can the plan/vision be something on a smaller scale such as what job to take or when to start a family or any other desire of your heart? See, sometimes, (oh who am I kidding?) often times, I want to make God the God of the big things in life. Surely He can't be concerned with the little things. That's me sticking God up on the top of the mountain. He's got whole galaxies to keep spinning. I forget to make Him the God of all things, big and small. So maybe the plan/vision that Habakkuk is referring to could be some of the smaller scale items.

I think I'm rambling and not sure if any of it is making sense. I'm just saying that I want to be one of the righteous who will wait patiently for God's plan to unfold - whatever that plan is, if it's God's plan, then it is just right for me.

Jeremiah 29

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. ¹² Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.

I just needed this. It goes with my last post. It's verse 13 that's the kicker. Most people know verse 11, but it's 13 that makes me stop and think.

Set on the Spirit

I just got back from church. Matt spoke such truth today - it really stirred my thinking. I can't even summarize what he said. It was one of those sermons that where it was difficult to take notes because there was too much being said - I couldn't miss any of it. I need to listen to it again or talk about it with someone who heard it too. He attacked Bible-belt religion which always shakes me to the core since that is what I grew up hearing. A lot of the truths that I thought were truths are in actuality only partially true. And partially true may be worse than flat-out lies.

Matt was teaching from Luke 18 - the story of the rich young ruler. After Jesus spoke to the young ruler, the people were like - well, how the heck can we be saved then? I love the simplicity and greatness of Jesus' answer, "What is impossible with men is possible with God." Thank God He can do the impossible.

Then Matt moved to keeping our mind set on the Spirit. He took us to Romans 8.

5For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. ⁶For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. ⁷For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot. ⁸Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

Is my mind set on the Spirit? Can my mind be set on the Spirit and also be interested in very earthly things? How does a girl set her mind on the Spirit but at the same time have other thoughts going on up there? Can the two things go on at the same time? Can I still want the other thing while at the same time strive to let Jesus be the center? Can I let Him be in charge of every facet of my life, but at the same time plead with Him about the things I want? I talk to God often during the day, opening up my hands around my desire while I'm also asking Him for that same exact desire.

Ugh. It's confusing in my head and it's not any better typed out. I'm not even sure why I'm writing.

Thank God He can do the impossible.

Not Right Now

I've thought a lot today about the fact that what I want and what God seems to want aren't exactly the same thing. I wish I could say that I'm totally comfortable with that and concede to God's greatness. But I'm still arguing with Him. And it's not that I feel like God doesn't want this thing for me ever - He just seems to be saying a lot of "not right now." Maybe if He'd just tell me flat out, then it wouldn't be so hard. You know, rip the band-aid off and let it sting for a second. Not right now is hard. It's got enough of a yes to give a person hope, but enough of a no to make a person want to scheme and plan. It's been not right now for years! And as I write that, I think of Sarah and Abraham. They had a not right now for way more years than me. They schemed and planned and really screwed up. So scheming and planning is a big no.

As I spoke of this with a good friend, she said maybe I needed to repent for not trusting God very much. Ouch! It's true, though. Another friend told me, "this could be just another example, set in front of you by God, to show you what is out there." My question is, how many examples do I have to see? Quite a few, it seems.

I was reading a blog by our music pastors called Sound Doctrine. In it, Michael says, "The Creator, in their hearts, is moved from the center and becomes merely peripheral. Only when there is great desperation will there be a call for help. As long as they remain in the center of their own world though, they will fail to acknowledge their depravity and His marvelous mercy and grace in sending His Son as a propitiatory sacrifice." Creator moved from the center? I'd have to say yes just a little bit. Remember when I wrote about having Jesus in my living room, watching CSI? I'm doing it again.

Anyway, I don't have any answers for myself. I don't have any big "ah-ha!" to write about. I do know that I don't want cheap and meaningless, so I guess that's why there isn't any. No matter how much the world says cheap and meaningless is fun, I'm just not interested. But I'm kind of tired of hearing from the world, you know? I know how to help quiet the world - so I'm off to search for Him and hear what He has to say to me.

(It's funny - this is an attempt to write about something without really saying much. I don't think it worked.)