Restless

I want to write, but just can't. I even tried to write an "I have this friend" so that I could write more freely, but it's not working. I've been feeling restless the past few days. I think part of it is that I can't write it all out. I'll stick to some safe topics for now.

Family camp is in just 2 more weeks. Elyssa and I can't wait! I'm hoping to develop some deeper relationships with people from my church.

Speaking of Elyssa, she's hardly been at her dad's this summer. He is always working, so even when she is there, she never gets to see him. Elyssa told me they even had people over on Father's Day. They had a Father's Day party! So you know she played with the kids that were there and didn't spend any time with her dad. I wish I could make him understand that he is wasting so much time right now. I appreciate the fact that times are tough and that they may need the extra money. But I wish he could understand that all those material things he's working so hard to pay for won't help him in his relationship with his daughter. It really makes me sad.

This is another reason I'm looking forward to family camp. If we could meet some godly families and if the men could love on Elyssa so she knows what that looks like. . . I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it. I can't wait to see her playing with the dads at family camp. It makes me sad - she should have grown up in an environment where I get to see her playing with a dad every day! But that's just a consequence of some of the choices I made in life. Thankfully God can still make good out of it.

I wouldn't mind some of that attention myself. Not the kind of attention you may first think of - these are all married guys. There are not very many singles going to family camp. And I love that. I need to learn how to be around men and learning with godly men seems to be the best way. Godly men are a different breed - very foreign to me. I don't know how to build regular friendly relationships with men.

In the past I've been very single-minded: is he cute? is he married? does he like me? All this is going on in my head from a distance, because you know I'll never go talk to someone! And if anyone would look at me - augh! I look away so fast. I've even set goals in the car: I will smile at 4 men between home and wherever I'm going. Isn't that dorky? We're driving along in our own little bubbles of social safety and I still feel uncomfortable! It's the car! I don't know these people! I can speed up and drive away from them! The smiling I can do OK, but I don't hold eye contact. So this week at family camp will be a learning experience for me. At least I hope it will. I will know 2 people there - hopefully I will branch out a little. I've already been jokingly told that my 2 friends are going to shun me in order to force me to meet other people - hopefully they are totally kidding.

Look at that - I was able to get out exactly what I wanted to get out and it's not awkward or too embarrassing at all. Big sigh of relief. I feel very stifiled if I can't write what I want to write. Hopefully the restless feelings will go away now.