I've cyber-snooped again. Did you know that you don't have to have bookmarks to find places again? Duh, right?
Letting go.
Surrender.
Lay it at the cross.
Give it to Him.
I hear these things and I think I'm doing them, but I'm not sure. I asked a friend at home group tonight how to really give Him control. It's a stupid question because I don't think another person can answer it for me. It looks different and probably feels different for everyone.
I'm un-wantable. I fear that this word will forever apply to me. Maybe there is something wrong with me. Please don't offer me the obligatory remark; I'm just stating what may be the truth. Maybe my prayers should be to accept my un-wantability instead of asking for someone to like me. I have zero confidence that a man will ever look at me that way. None. Zip. Nada.
Forgive my Star Wars dorkiness - I'm sure I could pick any other romantic movie in the world, but it's me, so go with the flow. I know you're thinking Star Wars is not a romantic movie, but have you seen Episode II - Attack of the Clones? Anakin takes Padme to Naboo to protect her from an assassin. They go to this beautiful lake and are standing on this bridge thing looking out at an island. Padme tells Anikan that she used to swim out to the island and lay on the sand. Anakin gets corny and makes some remark about hating sand because it's rough, not like her, she's soft (or something as equally dumb). Then they look at each other. You can feel the passion and intensity. His eyes are smoldering. I want someone to look at me just like that. Then they kiss for the first time. Sigh Did I ever mention how much I miss kissing? Oh yeah, I guess you've heard that before. And what if it never happens again? What if I never again get to kiss a man who burns for me?
I'll say it for you, so that you won't ~ There's someone out there for you. Have patience. It'll all be worth it. blah, blah, blah. yada, yada, yada. I hear you.
But what if there's not?
OK - I'll speak for you again ~ if there's not, then God will replace these feelings with something else.
Bah-humbug.
5 comments:
Mrphhh rphmmmrph mmmprhhhrpmph!!!
(That's me forcing my mouth shut...)
:o)
Carlotta is more obedient than I am. She forced her mouth shut. I won't. If you want to stop reading now, I wouldn't blame you.
Erin, you know that you are not un-wantable. The creator of the universe made you. He adores you. He died and rose again for you. He waits patiently for you to turn to Him with these feelings. He longs to be with you, to spend time with you. You are His creation and He knows how totally wonderful and wanted you are. If nobody else ever wants you, the fact that the One that created the heavens and earth wants you should be enough to leave you awestruck for the rest of your life.
I know you long for that earthly relationship. I do, too. I firmly believe that if and when it is time, it will happen. I believe that you have to heal first. You and I both know that you aren't ready for any other relationship because you are still stuck on the one that isn't meant to be. Once you get past that and heal, you will be more ready to accept what comes your way. If it came right now, you might not recognize it. You aren't ready for it until you work through the junk you are going through right now.
As for the cyber-snooping...STOP IT! You want to heal, right? Well, if that is the case, stop pulling the scab off the wound. Let it heal. Give it the time it needs. If you keep picking at it and pulling the scab off, a wound never heals. Cyber snooping won't help you. It takes you two steps back. That's only a good thing in dancing, not in life.
Erin, I'm here for you. I hope you know that you can reach out to me anytime you need to.
WARNING: I AM FOLLOWING AMY'S LEAD!!
Well, see, there you go! Amy strikes again. And since she was STRONG enough and good enough to disobey your request, I too will follow suit. I AMEN every last word Amy said. She is right. In fact she spoke those VERY words to me in my past. THE SAME WORDS! I thought I was ready, I wanted to be ready, I yearned for an earthly relaionship too. VERY VERY badly. But man, I was a train wreck!! SO not ready. NOW, I am ready. And now that I got my junk and funk dealt with, I am ready, BUT I am ok too, if it doesn't happen today, tomorrow, or at all. I never dreamed I'd EVER be in a place in my life where I could say that with honesty.
The unwantable thing is a lie. I believe that you know it is a lie! It is Satan's lie but you took the bait hook, line, and sinker. You are wantable. ON THIS EARTH and MOST importantly IN HEAVEN. You are. And you don't have to believe ME. That doesn't change a dang thing. Reality is what it is....whether you choose to accept it and see Satan's lies for what they are or not...
ERIN, you are a beautiful person both inside and out (from what I read in your words and from what I can see in your pics). Don't shut yourself down to the truth and only allow Satan's words ring in your ears. When you only are thinking and allowing negativity into your life and asking us to put duct tape on our mouths so you won't have to hear reality and truth and wisdom, it will infest your life with darkness and lies. Why are you doing that? Not on God's orders. AMY followed God's orders. Stop listening to Satan's lies and to your own. LIES--That's all that they are and they are keeping you from healing and growing and having the life and the love that God so desperately wants in your life.
Thank you Amy for stepping up and thank you God for calling me to follow suit. Erin, you are too precious to not say what needed to be said. I pray that you open your heart to God's truth and get out a gigantic cotton swab and clean out that CRAP that Satan has been putting into your ears. 'Cause girl, it is gross!
LOL! In all seriousness and sincerity, we love you and care for you and want to see you READY for what God has for you. If you ever need anything, you know how to reach me.
HUG.
Carlotta - I've known Erin since 3rd grade - she IS beautiful on the outside and one of the truest, most loving, generous, kind and forgiving people you'll ever meet. A true, rare and precious gem. And and she has always been and continues to be an inspiration and role model to me.
Erin - I'm not breaking any rules because I'm not talking to you! =)
y'all are making me cry (except Carlotta - your first comment cracked me up!)
thanks for all the kind words. i'll try to let the scab stay on. and i'll clean the gunk out of my ears.
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