So maybe you've noticed that I've struggled with this whole concept of letting go.
"No way!" the crowd gasped, totally shocked.
Yes, it's true. I haven't really let God be in control of my love life. I'm sick of it all - sick of doing it my way and it not working. Sick of thinking about it. Sick of thinking about him.
Go ahead - I know you want to say it. Yeah, right. Whatever.
It is different this time. I have deleted every bookmark/favorite from my computer. That means no more checking his blog - no more looking at gmail - no more gmail notifier - no more myspace. I deleted my own myspace account . We all know I only had that as a way to keep tabs. His blog? His myspace? Did I really think he'd send some secret message to me through that? Craziness. If he wants to talk to me - he knows where to find me.
Out of sight - out of mind, right? Ironically, that's my biggest fear as well. I am out of his sight therefore I am out of his mind. I don't like that. At all. It makes me sad.
I don't know what God has planned for my life - but I trust that He knows the best thing for me.
Luci came to my homegroup on Saturday. She and her husband shared their story and how God's timing was totally amazing. She's been divorced 4 years. She desperately wanted to be married again. She worked on getting her life right with God and finally surrendered her love life. She was like me - she'd let go for awhile and then take the control right back again. Right when she was finally content with being single - she met Robert. It was an awesome story - many twists and turns that led perfectly up to them falling in love - the right way. They didn't even kiss until their wedding. Wow!
I've actually said to myself in the recent past that the next guy I kiss will be my husband. I wasn't actually thinking of it as on the wedding day and he actually being my husband, but honestly the idea is intriguing. I know some of you out there are thinking - you'll never get a date with an attitude like that Erin. No kissing? Are you crazy!? Yeah, maybe I am. But maybe I want the amazing fairy tale. Maybe waiting for that is best for me. I know where just thinking about kissing takes my mind. I love kissing. It's been such a loooooooong time. So maybe that's what I'll do. It would have to be a pretty amazing man to agree to something like that, right? It would take a very godly man. That's what I want more than anything else. A godly man to lead my home - to lead me. Maybe God will grant me that desire someday.
On another note altogether, I think he sometimes reads here so I'm going to take this minute to say a last thing: I love the idea that you read me. I love the idea that you care enough about me to want to know what's going on in my life. Keep reading. Know that I miss your friendship but I'm tired of waiting around. You know where I am. You know how to get in touch with me. I will continue to pray for you because you are an amazing man and you deserve happiness. The thing that I'm finally realizing is that I am an amazing woman and I deserve happiness too. I hope if you do ever decide to continue our friendship that I am still available to do that. We are a good match. You know it's true. You can deny it if you want, but it's true. Others have noticed it too. Later, WSD. Numbers 6:24-26
7 comments:
Erin,
Today I was reading a great book that I highly reccomend (In A Pit With A Lion on a Snowy Day). There is a quote that I want to share with you because I think you will "get it." When I read it, I thought of you and actually marked it in the book so that I could share it with you tonight.
"Every once in a while our kids will get in a funk because they get focused on whatever's making them unhappy, so I pull a Star Wars. I'll say, 'Kids, remember what Qui-gon said to Anakin: "Your focus determines your reality."' At first my kids were somewhat stupified. But I explained to them that how the feel is a result of what they focus on."
Great quote. Anybody that knows me knows that I don't go around quoting Star Wars, but even I understood what the guy was getting at. I hope it helps you because it certainly jumped off the page and screamed "Share this with Erin!" while I was reading.
Still praying for you!
That's awesome. Now in my Star Wars dorkiness, I have to watch episode I and hear it in context. That's great Amy. Thanks for sharing with me.
:-)
WOW, great quote Amy! Like it was placed there just for you to share with our Star Wars lovin friend! I love it!!!
Erin, I love this post. I love the surrender in your words. Not defeated surrender, WISE surrender. Giving this over to God will bless you in ways you cannot even fathom yet!
Others? Like on LOST? :) giggle
Proud of you....and remember, the 'out of sight out of mind' only works if it's not meant to be, otherwise, it's 'absence makes the heart grow fonder.' Just wait and see...and meanwhile...go kiss a stranger!
Sometimes, this all seems as crazy and hard to believe as that great/goofy show. You didn't know you were an Other? Ha! (I haven't even seen last week's yet. I've got it on iTunes! I bought the whole season 3!)
Stranger kissing - you are leading me toward the dark side! Actually, it's really easy to say I won't kiss anyone when I don't have anyone to kiss. Let's see how long that idea lasts if the opportunity ever presents itself! I'm thinking it'll last a few seconds at least. As Han tells Leia in Empire Strikes Back - "You could use a good kiss!" I think I definitely fit in that category. :-)
Absence makes the heart grow fonder - we'll see.
It's funny about how Luci met her husband. As you know, Trae and I knew each other for 3 years before dating. And, as I went through whatever it was I was going through at the time I had reached that moment of "content". That's when you need to put on your seatbelt - when your heart is truly content. I must admit... I kissed him - after THREE years of a great friendship (about 2 and 3/4s of that time I had a crush on him!) - I took my opportunity to kiss him on our first date. So... you may be a stronger woman than me on that one. But, I think that contentment in the current situation is something you can't force, but there's such strength and power in it once you get there.
Go forth and prosper!! (is that Star Trekk - whatever... it still fits!)
It's actually "Live long and prosper" but you get points for being close. :-)
I'm such a dork!
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