I don't get it.
Yipee - God answered one prayer super fast. He sure is amazing, isn't He? (Lightning is going to strike me dead if I don't quite yelling at Him.) Tell me why He won't answer the rest of them? I've prayed for a husband. Nothing. I've prayed to not be lonely anymore. Nothing. I've prayed to be happy with my place. Nothing. I've prayed to be accepting. Nothing. I've prayed to not care. Nothing. I've prayed that I'll look at what I've got instead of what I don't have. Nothing. I've prayed and prayed and prayed. Nothing. I stopped praying. Nothing. I ask for something drastic so I won't like a guy - and THAT one He answers immediately.
Explain it to me because I just don't get it.
I hate where I am right now. Hate it. Hate it with all my being. Hate feeling stupid. Hate getting my hope up. Hate caring. Hate pretending I don't care. Hate feeling helpless. Hate knowing that for the 5 million good women, there are maybe 2 good men out there. Hate that I don't feel I have one single special thing to offer anyone. Hate that I can't talk to people I don't know. Hate hate hate crying. Hate being selfish. Hate it all. I won't say I hate myself - but I'm not real fond of me right now.
You'll tell me to let it go. You'll tell me to lay it at the cross. Maybe I'm just stupid. I thought I did that. I must be stupid because I just can't do it right. So what am I doing wrong? What's wrong with me?
3 comments:
Absolutely nothing is wrong with you. You are just like the rest of us. Is that reassuring or depressing? ;o)
Yes, I'll tell you to give it to God and lay it at the cross. Problem with that, if you are like me, you'll lay it down and then go pick it back up if things aren't progressing the way you like. Am I right? I do it. My friends do it. It's totally normal. Not the smartest thing we can do, but being humans, it is our natural tendency.
By the way, I don't think lightning will strike you dead if you yell at God. God is a great big God and He can take it. He'd rather you yell at Him than ignore Him, I think. At least you are acknowledging Him and His power in your life. Make sense? Anyway, I yell at Him frequently. I figure if I still love my daughter after she yells at me, He still loves me after I act like a big ol' baby with Him.
I hope you can join us tomorrow. Just left you a message on your home number. Let me know.
I'm going to just go back to what I've said to the point you're sick of hearing it. I still think a Christian Counselor could help you work through some of this... help you REALLY turn it over to God, help you REALLY learn to trust Him help you REALLY start to understand yourself... just because you want to do these things really really bad, doen't mean that you ARE doing it or that you even know how to do it.
Anyway, just my suggestion (still). =)
Prayer does a lot, and its a critical part, but if He's waiting for you to learn HOW to do some of these things and feel some of the ways that you are sincrely WANTING to, then finding someone who can help you with the "how" may help this season end quicker.
Christy - I know you're right, I mean I really KNOW you're right. It's fear holding me back. Not sure why. I'll try to make a call this week. I know I've been saying that for months now.
Amy - thanks. I love how you remind me that I love my daughter even when she's being a toot. It's a good thing to remember.
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