Define Yourself

So, when someone asks you to tell them a little bit about yourself, what do you say?

Pastor Matt's sermon tonight was about Luke 18:15-17 where the disciples were rebuking people for bringing small children to Him. He told them that whoever doesn't receive the Kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it. Then Matt went on to explain how we do that. He started with the opposite of his topic by explaining what kind of people we are when we are apart from Christ. We're slaves to sin (Rom6:20), blind to the glory of the gospel (2 Cor 4:4), walking in darkness (Ps 82:5), dead in our transgressions (Eph 2:1) and can do nothing to fix it (John 15:5). He gave the example of a newborn and how they cry out for all their needs. That's what we're supposed to do.

Then Matt goes on to say how children are defined by their parents. That means that children are protected, provided for and saved by their parents. As Christians we are defined by Christ. We take lots of other stuff and try to define ourselves by it. I started listing some of the examples Matt gave:

My career does not define me.
My things do not define me.
Money does not define me.

I didn't have really any problem with any of those because truly, they don't define me. I don't care so much about money or things. (I mean, of course I like having them, but they've never been that important to me. Money and things do not give me happiness. Did you ever do that 5 love languages thing? Bottom of my list is gifts. I think this comes a little bit from my parents because they would give me so much like they were rewarding me since my brother was so screwed up. I don't feel loved just because you give me something. Anyway - I'm getting off topic. I do that a lot - have you noticed?)

I'm sure this has happened to you. You're sitting through a service, really enjoying it. The things being said make a lot of sense to you, but nothing is making a deep impact. Then POW, a sentence hits you between the eyes. Matt's next example was:

My relationships don't define me.

What a second. That one was a little harder to write down. It made me pause for a second. I think I do have some issues with that one . I then wrote below it:

My singleness doesn't define me.
My divorce doesn't define me.

When I'm asked to describe myself, I say that I'm a single mom who has been divorced for a little over 5 years. Is that what defines me? The fact that I'm divorced and single? No!

God help me to turn that definition around. Christ defines me. That's it. He alone.

Tron at Subway

I did something tonight that I have never done before. I bought a homeless guy dinner.

I worked really late at school to get a lot of end of year junk finished. I decided to stop at Subway on the way home. There's this homeless guy who pushes his grocery cart around the shopping center near my house. I've seen him often - Elyssa and I have discussed him before. His cart was in front of Subway and he was sitting farther away. As I about to get out of my car, I just had the feeling that I should buy him dinner. After the thought crept in (while I was checking email on my phone by the way) I kind of shrugged and figured that was a weird out of the blue thought.

But the feeling got stronger as I walked inside. If you've ever had that nudge from God before, then you know what I mean. Anyway, I argued a bit: "Um, God? It's dark outside. I've never done that before. What would I say to him? I have no idea what kind of sandwich he'd want. What if he doesn't like Subway?" So I made God a deal - isn't that funny? I said I'll buy the sandwich, and if the guy is still out there then I'll give it to him. If he's not, then no harm, I'd take the extra sandwich home.

I decided on a foot long turkey with everything, chips and a bottle of water. I pretty much got the same thing except mine was a six inch with only lettuce, mayo and cucumbers. Just in case you were interested.

I walked out of Subway and his cart was no longer there. I was like, "Whew!" But he'd just moved it a bit. So I unlocked my car and put my food inside and walked over to him. I told him I just thought he might be hungry so I wanted to give him this. He said, "Wow. Are you serious?" and then proceeded to ask me if I'd help him share the message of God because He's coming down soon and going to destroy the world and I need to read Revelation 21 and he asked me to be a warrior/bodyguard for him because he was in some program where God was going to give him 10 million dollars if he could get enough bodyguards. I told him I just wasn't interested in any of that. I told him that I felt like Jesus wanted me to give him dinner and that was all I was asked to do. He asked me my name and told me his name was Tron. We shook hands, I told him to enjoy and then I went back to my car.

It was very interesting. And I feel like I was obedient. Cool, huh? Elyssa and I talked last summer about going to help at a homeless shelter. I think we will make more of an effort to do that this summer. She keeps telling me she wants to go on a mission trip. We can start here in Dallas.

And maybe we'll buy Tron dinner again.

Home Group

My home group meeting tonight gave me such hope that real true community is out there. After my old home group fell apart, I was feeling rather lost. I didn't know if I'd find another one. Ha. I just assumed that I couldn't find another one. I've only met with these ladies for a few weeks. We are all different ages and I think that's wonderful! There was laughter tonight, there was a huge confession of sin, there were tears and there was love. It was amazing. The bravery of one girl to confess a sin to a room full of people - it blew me away. I got tears because it was community. It was what Pastor Matt talks about all the time. It was amazing and I'm so thankful for being able to share it.

On a side note, I'm praying right now that God guards my heart but at the same time that He opens it. Is that weird? I want peace and contentment, but I don't want to shut down as I am known to do. I have some protective walls that I have built around my heart and they are prepped and ready to slam. This is one of those times where I don't know how to say what I want to say! I don't want anyone to read between the lines and assume they know what I'm saying, because it's not what you may be thinking. Light bulb just went off! Maybe that's why I'm so blunt in my writing. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea about what I'm saying. If I'm blunt then I can say exactly what I mean and there can be no wrong ideas. Hmmm. Interesting.

Being married has always been my desire. When I was a little girl, I planned on being a teacher, a wife and a mommy. So marriage has become an idol to me that I've worked with God on letting go. But somehow along the way I forgot how to be friends with guys. I've assumed that no one is sincere, that everyone plays some kind of games and there is very little realness out there. And I've never had the experience of having godly men as friends. And I'd assume that godly men are sincere, don't play games and are very real. I want godly men in my life. I've written about that before. But I don't know if I know how to do that. And when I don't know how to do something, I get fearful. (I'm sure that goes along with my "I'm not good enough" crap. If I can't be perfect then I'm afraid.)

How can God take one thing and use it in so many ways to teach so many lessons! (Very rhetorical question.)

So my fear is that somehow I'll screw it all up. That's why I'm praying for a guarded open heart. Guarded that I don't go down a path that is not really there. Open that I'll go down the path that is before me. Does that make sense?

Connect the Dots - La, La, La-la

Did you watch Pee-Wee's Playhouse? He used to sing that - Connect the dots. La la la-la. (How on earth do I start a spiritual post with Pee Wee Herman?!)

God has connected some dots for me in the last day or two. I like it when He does that.

First I'm reading a book that a friend gave me. I refuse to give you the title because I hate even admitting that I'm reading a book like this. Before you think it's like a Harlequin romance or anything (do they even make those any more? do people really read them?), it's a Christan book for single ladies. I will NOT write the title because honestly, it's embarrassing. Debbie actually gave this book to me months ago, but I don't want to read books like this. (Hmmm - do you sense the same pride issue that I'm sensing?) Due to some recent circumstances, I decided to pick it up and just see what it was about. I'm going to copy part of it here (and if the copyright police are watching, I don't know what to tell you. I don't want to write the title!) The beginning of the book is about having intimacy with Jesus.

When Jesus knocked on the door of your heart and you let Him in, did you assign Him a seat in your living room and leave Him there? He wants the two of you to be so close that He can freely roam around and make Himself at home in your private world. But He also respects your space; He is not going to move off that couch until you ask.
How's your conversation with Jesus? Is it an even exchange or is it boring, formal, impersonal, and one-sided? Jesus wants to sit on the floor, share popcorn, and discuss your day. He wants to talk about what you like and don't like, what makes you laugh, cry, or sigh.

There's more of course, but the teacher in me (cite your sources!) won't let me copy any more without . . . citing my source. And I refuse! (If anyone asks, I do not read books for single women. I just don't. So there!)

Now back to my point - can't you just see Jesus on the floor with you eating a snack and asking about your day? Does that stir anything in your heart? It sure does in mine. The thing is - Jesus doesn't want to be in just one part of our heart. He wants it all. And the scary thing is that it may hurt a little because He's going to clean house and tear down walls and let in lots of light so nothing bad can hide in there.

Which brings me to dot number two. I'm reading my Bible again! Isn't that amazing? (I know life works better when I read the Bible, but I continue to not make time! Ugh!) I was reading 1 Corinthians 3:16 which says, "Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you?"

Dot number three. 2 Corinthians 4:17-18 says, "For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."

Then tonight came dot number four. Galatians 5:17 "For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other to keep you from doing the things you want to do."

And dot number five. Galatians 6:8-9 "For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up."

So now you want me to connect all the dots for you, right? Or at least show you how they connected for me. I'm tired and have to sleep so I'll attempt to keep it brief. (We all know how well that works for me, right?)

Jesus is in my heart just cleaning house. I've gotten lazy with the status quo. I think I relegated Jesus to the living room, thinking He could watch CSI and hang out. But He's not there to watch CSI. He wants to be with me. He wants my attention. He wants intimacy with me! He's knocking down walls and pointing out things I'd rather just forget. I've tried to keep Him out of certain closets and bathrooms, but He's very adamant that He goes in there. But since I am His temple, I kind of want Him to do whatever He thinks is best. And sometimes what is best is for things to come out in the open, even if they are embarrassing. (I'm still not sure I agree with that. I wasn't trying to get anything out in the open. I honestly was quite happy with things being the opposite of out in the open.) But it's just a momentary affliction (although momentary can seem to last a long long time!) and it's preparing me (somehow!) for eternal glory. And maybe, just maybe, I should get my mind off the worldly things I can see and put my mind on the unseen things. Those unseen things are eternal! But it's a battle because the desires of my flesh are at war with the desires of the Spirit. But I need to not grow weary of doing good. Sometimes I want to stop being the good girl. I want to just have fun. But I can't grow weary of doing good because I can't give up. I want to reap eternal life from the Spirit, not corruption from the flesh.

There. It's what God is telling me right now. Imagine all the wonderful things I could learn if I'd make time for Him every day!

What To Do?

So when I write, do I pretend I don't think anyone is reading? You know, be an ostrich? If I can't see anyone, then no one is really there. How do I balance spilling my guts like I usually do and not saying too much?

Maybe one suggestion is to have a private blog. I have a journal - funnily enough, this is not the place I really spill my guts. (Can you imagine reading that one!?)

Do I change how I write because people are reading? I've asked this before I think. I know there are some of you who write without really telling the details. I'm not sure how to do that. Should I learn how or just keep writing? Ugh. It's confusing.

The thing is - my deepest desire is to be fully known by others. So, I think that means I just keep writing. If I get embarrassed, then so be it. Right?

Twitter - Facebook Phenomenon

I read other people's blogs and I wonder why I don't write anymore. Why don't I write anymore? I know it's a time issue - I don't make the time to do it. But it may be because I find myself struggling with the same issues over and over and I think you must be sick of hearing about it by now. I don't write when things are going fine. I have to have some angst within me or it just doesn't flow. So yeah, there's stuff going on right now - mostly my impatience and how men I am attracted to won't do what I want - but this post is nothing about that. :-)

Anyway - I had a thought. Maybe you've already had this thought. Maybe this is something that everyone already knows. But I've never heard anyone say it. So here goes - I've figured out exactly why updating our status has become such a huge deal.

People want intimacy.

We, as God intended and created us to be, want to KNOW and BE KNOWN. It's not easy to put yourself out there. It takes some bravery to let people know what you're thinking or wanting. It's hard to put dreams out there for the world to see because who knows how those will be received.

But on Facebook/Twitter, we can throw something out there and see how it lands. I know that I have put cryptic messages to people on my status, hoping and pleading that they (OK - he) will read between the lines. You know how excited you get when someone comments on your status, right? And if it starts a flurry of responses - that's just awesome! It makes you feel good. It makes you feel loved. Am I right? Or is that just me?

I love the TV show My Boys. The one from this week was all based on Facebook. It was hysterical. PJ (the girl who narrates) did end up saying that virtual friends are good, but real friends are better. I agree.

Do we think updating our status online will create true intimacy? I think it would be easy to fall into that trap. But hopefully we won't get stuck there. I want to continue to take risks out there in the scary real world. I want to open up to real people. I want to be brave and let others know what I'm thinking.

On a side note, I just have to say that waiting on a guy to do something is insane. They just don't get it! (No offense to any male readers!) I want to go back to 5th grade and ask a friend to ask him if he likes me. Wasn't that much simpler? Ugh! I could write a note and fold it into the shape of an arrow or that other fun fold that I can't even begin to describe. (Remember those? It was rectangular and had a little flap that stuck down inside. Random. I wonder if kids still fold notes that way.) Anyway, waiting stinks. I immediately go to the bad place that says it's me, I'm unlikeable, blah blah blah. But I am likeable, so what the heck? I just want to ask a guy what he is thinking. Guys don't put cryptic messages on their Facebook for me to analyze, darn it! I just wish it could be simpler, you know?

I'm totally off topic now, so I better end this and go update my status on Facebook.

Patience

I don't have any. Just thought I'd let you know.

Gloom and Doom

Gloom and doom. Gloom and Doom. I've been crying off and on all evening. What is it with the Sunday night blues?

God help me. I written and erased two or three different paragraphs. I have nothing to say. Except -

gloom and doom. gloom and doom.

I don't like Sunday nights. I think they are even worse than Monday mornings.

I Need Sunshine!

It's been too gloomy for too long. I need some sunshine. Could that be my problem? I've been very prone to crying the last few days. When will the sun come out again?