First Day of School

Proudly showing the new backpack.

Can you see some of my Star Wars stuff in the background?

Look at my second grader!

Smart Friends

I have the best friends. One of my friends wrote me the greatest thing today and I wanted to share it. I've changed some names to protect the innocent.

it's not the guy you like at all. and as for that, i think you are better off this way. i love the guy you like and i still think he's a good guy, but just not the guy for you. i watched a video thing the other night at church and it made me think of our similar desires~marriage and baby. the guy that spoke created veggie tales. he talked about how he created this multi- million dollar company and thought he was doing good because it was all for God (teaching about Christ etc). well, he ended up going bankrupt after a series of events. all the while he was wondering why God wasn't stepping in to save him. after all, he was working to bring people to God. Anyway, his point at the end was that he had let his dream of creating this huge company with all it's productions become more important to him than God. Even though the whole purpose behind his company's goal was to teach about Christ, he had let the dream become more important. he put his relationship with God on the back burner. he said anything we are unwilling to let go of is an idol that we are choosing to worship instead of focusing on HIM. This part hit me really hard~~~~~ Give it all to God. Remain faithful to Him and realize (no matter how crappy or painful..this is my addition) that He may or may not realize your dream but that's ok because you have God. God didn't realize your dream with the guy you liked because He knew it wasn't right for you. He knows your desires and He will fulfill them. I hold that truth close to my heart. I know one day you will be find Mr. Right and one day I will have another child. It may not be the person or the path that WE would have chosen, but what do we know, right?!!

My pastor talks about how we hold some things tightly in our hands and that's making it an idol. I've got to learn to unclench my fist.

First Day Back

I miss my summer.

Got to school at 7:55 am.

Left school at 8:55 pm.

What the heck?

The Dark is Rising

New movie coming out based on Susan Cooper's book The Dark is Rising. Maybe you've heard of the first one in the series - Over Sea, Under Stone. They were written in the 70s. I wanted to read them before the movie comes out. I was reading last night and two quotes jumped out at me.

"He must not only be very brave, he must really love you as if he were your son," said Will, "to do things like this for you and the Light."
"But still he is only a man," said Merriman, and his voice was rough and the pain back deep in his face. "And he loves as a man, requiring proof of love in return."

This is my trap - loving as a human. Demanding proof of love in return.

The other quote illustrates temptation so well.

"So it will go," Merriman said. "He will have a sweet picture of the Dark to attract him, as men so often do, and beside it he will set all the demands of the Light, which are heavy and always will be. All the while he will be nursing his resentment of the way I might have had him give up his life without reward. You can be sure the Dark makes no sign of demanding any such thing - yet. Indeed, its lords never risk demanding death, but only offer a black life. . . ."

Something to think about.

Like A Child

Why do we drift so far from God? Even when we know we're doing it, but can't seem to turn it back. Even when we know how horrible we feel - even when we know we're unhappy - we still step away from Him.

I go to the greatest church of all time. Our pastor is amazing - so very real. He reminded me of something on Sunday.

As parents, there are times we deny our children things. Maybe it's candy before dinner or a new toy. Maybe it's telling her to get out of the pool now or leave a friend's house. My pastor's example was telling your child not to walk on the back of the couch that's right in front of a big window. But you know how when you do it - when you say no - you get that look from your child like you are stealing her joy? Your child thinks you are the most heartless, awful person in the world. How could you deny your child this happiness? You deny her that happiness, because you, the parent, see the bigger picture. You want to increase her joy later in life. You know that candy before dinner is not healthy. You know that falling through a window brings huge pain. You know more than your child.

Is our Heavenly Father any less knowledgeable? He knows the window is dangerous. He knows you will be cut to ribbons if you fall through it. He knows if you date the wrong person - the pain will be almost unbearable. He knows these things will hurt, so He graciously denies us these things. We, the children, throw tantrums. I know I do. We can't see past right now.

I want to remember this lesson. Lord, help me remember. I've been so unhappy for the last month. Maybe I didn't know how unhappy I was until just recently, but my focus has been wrong and it's been wearing me down.

I have a problem. I think that I should be better than this. It reminds me of Anakin in Star Wars. (Go ahead and sigh. I don't blame you. I'm a freak!) Anakin tells Padme in Episode II that he killed all the Sand People - women and children too. He was consumed by anger. She tells him that being angry is being human. He says, "I am a Jedi. I can be better than this." I think somewhere in my brain I have a plaque that reads, "I am a Christian. I can be better than this." Maybe my expectations are too high? I think when I fail, I don't deserve to be taken back. Or I don't understand somehow why I am being given another chance. Or I don't get why He wants me back after I've let Him down so many times. Why does He still love me even when I screw up in the same way over and over? Does that make sense?

I had a friend that I wrote with a lot last year. He had a great way of pointing out - God's showing Erin that He loves her again. It was just cool. I'm not sure why I can't just get it. Then I get upset because I think I should be getting it by now and the whole cycle starts again. You fail people too many times and they don't love you any more. You don't get chances over and over again with humans. Why can't I get that God is different than that?

Yeah, I know - CALL THE COUNSELOR!

Apologies

My words hurt people and I don't even mean it that way. I'm so selfish right now. I'm so sorry.

I think it best if I chill out for awhile and not dump out my whole heart here. Because, honestly, what purpose is it serving? Maybe it helps me to unload, but if what I'm saying is hurting my best friends - making them think things or doubt me - it's not worth it.

I'm done for awhile.

(OK - so it was for a very short while. But I am going to try to stop unleashing the depths of my heart. I don't think that's good for anyone. But I also don't know if I can actually stop writing that way. It's what I do. I just don't know.)

Too Much

Lots of anguish last night. I should stop writing in public when I'm feeling like that. I did spend lots of time writing, praying and reading with God last night. I actually threw my journal across the room - it was a strange feeling. I've never done that before. It crumpled some pages. I couldn't leave it that way for long - that's just being mean to the poor book.

I don't know that I'm in a better spot just yet. At home group tonight, some ladies were talking about accepting that God may want us single. I felt like God was just throwing it up in my face again. I hate hearing that. I hate thinking like that. I don't like it. It makes me mad. Why would God choose that for me? And if He did want that for me - why would He make me desire a husband so badly?

I wrote about Hind's Feet - the book we're reading. One lady pointed out the following paragraph. I remember reading it and thinking, "That just plain sucks."

It is God's will that some of His children should learn this deep union with Himself through the perfect flowering of natural human love in marriage. For others it is equally His will that the same perfect union should be learned through the experience of learning to lay down completely this natural and instinctive desire for marriage and parenthood, and accept the circumstances of life which deny them this experience. This instinct for love, so firmly implanted in the human heart, is the supreme way by which we learn to desire and love God Himself above all else.

It's not fair. I'm supposed to be married. Stupid X is the one who cheated. Not me. It wasn't me who wanted out. I'm supposed to be married right now - not single. Not lonely. Not by myself. So how is that fair? How is that good? How is that working for the good of those who love Christ? It doesn't fit. It just doesn't.

I fear that I will never accept that God wants me single. I don't want to accept it. I don't. Not at all.

I don't want to be single.

So Explain It

I don't get it.

Yipee - God answered one prayer super fast. He sure is amazing, isn't He? (Lightning is going to strike me dead if I don't quite yelling at Him.) Tell me why He won't answer the rest of them? I've prayed for a husband. Nothing. I've prayed to not be lonely anymore. Nothing. I've prayed to be happy with my place. Nothing. I've prayed to be accepting. Nothing. I've prayed to not care. Nothing. I've prayed that I'll look at what I've got instead of what I don't have. Nothing. I've prayed and prayed and prayed. Nothing. I stopped praying. Nothing. I ask for something drastic so I won't like a guy - and THAT one He answers immediately.

Explain it to me because I just don't get it.

I hate where I am right now. Hate it. Hate it with all my being. Hate feeling stupid. Hate getting my hope up. Hate caring. Hate pretending I don't care. Hate feeling helpless. Hate knowing that for the 5 million good women, there are maybe 2 good men out there. Hate that I don't feel I have one single special thing to offer anyone. Hate that I can't talk to people I don't know. Hate hate hate crying. Hate being selfish. Hate it all. I won't say I hate myself - but I'm not real fond of me right now.

You'll tell me to let it go. You'll tell me to lay it at the cross. Maybe I'm just stupid. I thought I did that. I must be stupid because I just can't do it right. So what am I doing wrong? What's wrong with me?

I Asked For It

Yeah, fine. Whatever.

I finally prayed about it last night. I said, "God - You are going to have to do something drastic because I don't want to stop liking him."

This morning, my friend tells me that he is taking a job with his company where he will go out of the country for two months.

I don't want to hear any crap about "it's for the best" or anything like that. It just goes to prove the God doesn't want me to have any fun. (OK - I don't really mean that, but it's how I feel right now.)

This stinks. And I feel stupid for being upset at all. It was one freakin' date!

Can I say it one more time - I HATE DATING!

Are You There, Erin?

Funny how I can ignore God for a few minutes (days/whatever) but He won't stay gone long. I've been thinking about something lately and just haven't been able to really pray about it. So this comes by email today.

Untangling Life's Knots
by Max Lucado

It’s your best friend’s wedding. “I’ll take care of the reception,” you’d volunteered. You planned the best party possible. You hired the band, rented the hall, catered the meal, decorated the room, and asked your Aunt Bertha to bake the cake.

Now the band is playing and the guests are milling, but Aunt Bertha is nowhere to be seen. Everything is here but the cake. You sneak over to the pay phone and dial her number. She’s been taking a nap. She thought the wedding was next week.

Oh boy! Now what do you do? Talk about a problem! Everything is here but the cake …

Sound familiar?

It might. It’s exactly the dilemma Jesus’ mother, Mary, was facing. Back then, wine was to a wedding what cake is to a wedding today.

What Mary faced was a social problem. No need to call 911, but no way to sweep the embarrassment under the rug, either.

When you think about it, most of the problems we face are of the same caliber. We’re late for a meeting. We leave something at the office. A coworker forgets a report. Mail gets lost. Traffic gets snarled. The waves rocking our lives are not life threatening yet. But they can be. A poor response to a simple problem can light a fuse.

For that reason you might want to note how Mary reacted. Her solution poses a practical plan for untangling life’s knots. “They have no more wine,” she told Jesus (John 2:3). That’s it. That’s all she said. She didn’t go ballistic. She simply assessed the problem and gave it to Christ.

It’s so easy to focus on everything but the solution. Mary didn’t do that. She simply looked at the knot, assessed it, and took it to the right person. “I’ve got one here I can’t untie, Jesus.”

“When all the wine was gone Jesus’ mother said to him, ‘They have no more wine’” (John 2:3).

Please note, she took the problem to Jesus before she took it to anyone else. A friend told me about a tense deacons’ meeting he attended. Apparently there was more agitation than agreement, and after a lengthy discussion, someone suggested, “Why don’t we pray about it?” to which another questioned, “Has it come to that?”

What causes us to think of prayer as the last option rather than the first?

Simpsonized!

Elyssa
Erin

Stuck

Do you ever get to a place in your life where you know you need to be talking to God about your crap, but you aren't sure how to broach the subject with Him?

It's the weirdest feeling. I know I need to talk to Him. I know that He already knows what I need to talk about. But I'm just having a hard time doing it. It's so strange. It's like I know it in my head, but won't let go of my heart. I know He's there. But I don't let myself feel Him there.

I've been able to talk about it with a few friends. Here I am writing about it - kind of - no details on this one, sorry. But there's something holding me back from talking about it with God. I know the right thing to do, but I don't want to do the right thing. I want to do what I want to do. But I also don't want to abuse His grace. But I know what He'll say and I don't want to hear it. Not right now. Avoiding Him is not working out for me too well. Somehow He always pops up.

AUGH!

Good Thing

I guess it's a good thing that school starts soon.

I AM SO BORED!

Stupid X

I have to share a new Stupid X story.

When I was driving back to the airport in Chicago, X calls. He starts rambling on about something and then asks me if I had ever though of making a big move?

I said, "Huh?"

He rambles some more - something about how when my dad and grandma die, my mom will most likely live with me. Did I think it might be possible that we'd make a big move - like away from Texas?

I said, "Huh?"

I asked him if they were thinking about moving to New York. That's where they are both from - Stanton Island. (Why'd I marry a Yankee? Sheesh!) He is feuding with his family so he doesn't speak to them at all. He doesn't allow Elyssa to see her grandparents or aunts/uncles/cousins. Isn't that sad? All of the wife's family is up there. There's really no point in them being down here. So they are talking about moving.

He's asking me if I'll move to New York also! Can you believe it? "Sure, I'd love to leave everything I know and move. I'll leave my job and my friends and my church to go live in a place that costs more to live where I will know no one and where it's very doubtful that I would be able to get a teaching job and where almost everyone is Catholic (no offense to all you real Catholics out there). That sounds like a great plan! And I know my mom is just dying to leave the only place she's ever lived and move up north" Ha.

I just don't get him sometimes. Of course, my first thought of him moving is that I'd hardly ever have to see him. Yipee! Then I had the selfish (very selfish) thought of how I'd never get a break from parenting. Then I thought about how devastated Elyssa will be if this happens. She's got a step-sister she loves and a half sister who is only one. They are pregnant again - did I ever mention that? So that'll be 3 siblings that she will never get to see. They will grow up as a little family and Elyssa will be the outsider. It makes me want to cry. I don't worry about her going up there for extended periods of time - he won't keep her an entire month. She'd go for a few weeks at the start of summer and then again at the end of summer. I can totally handle that. But she'll be an outsider over time. She doesn't deserve that. She didn't ask for this. You know?

Poor kid.

I'm Not That Girl

I'm not sure what the deal is with me. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I'm getting sick. Maybe I'm just foolish. I've got too much stupid stuff in my head. This song made me cry tonight. Blech.

I'm Not That Girl
Wicked Soundtrack

Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl

Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl

Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in

Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with a gentle curl
That's the girl he chose
And Heaven knows
I'm not that girl

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl.

Wanting

Why is it that if you get a little bit, you always want more? This applies to so many things in our lives. Stuff, money, love, affection, kisses . . . .

Why can't I be satisfied? Why can't I be patient? Why can't I get what I want right now?

Good things come to those who wait. Blah blah blah. That doesn't help at all.

Home Again

Chicago was awesome!

Christy - we had a great time. Thanks for everything!

Finished

I just finished reading. I've been crying for the last half hour. It is a perfect ending.

Thank you, Harry. What an amazing journey.

Harry Potter

I have a funny Harry Potter story to tell! I pre-ordered the book 7-8 months ago. I have been so excited about it coming. I knew it was coming today and figured the mailman would leave it on the porch like he does with everything else. We got home from Elyssa's soccer game. I couldn't see a box from the street and got kind of concerned. Then, as I walked closer to the house, I noticed one of those little yellowish slips that say "we tried to deliver. . . ." I almost cried! It said that I could pick up my delivery on MONDAY! AUGH! I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL THEN!

I ran inside and called the post office. The lady said that it would have to be Monday. She was very nice and apologetic. I decided to drive up to the post office and force them to give me my book! Talk about going postal! I'm almost near tears. Not really, but I was angry and disappointed and worried. My adrenaline was really kicking up. I had to get my book!

I got Elyssa and her step-sister in the car. We started to drive and I saw a postal truck. Screeech! I get out and ask him if he delivers to my street. Sadly, he does not. BUT - he knew where my guy would usually be at this time of day. YEAH! We drive over to that area and begin cruising up and down every street. I begin praying, "Please God. Let me find my book!" I told Elyssa and Gab that their job was to look for the postman. One street. Two streets. Third street - THERE HE IS! I pull up behind him and run to his side of the truck and hold up my delivery slip and ask him if he delivers on my street. HE DOES! I said, "Can I please have my Harry Potter book?" He broke out in a big smile and stopped his car. He said to bear with him while he gets it and scans it. I said I'd wait all day. I told him I'd go get him a drink if he'd like one! He just laughed.

THERE IT IS! IT'S IN HIS HANDS! He checks my slip and tells me how he would usually just leave boxes on the porch, but with this book they had explicit instructions to confirm delivery. He said he was lucky, he only had 7 to deal with - not many readers in my area. He handed it to me and I squealed with joy! He laughed even harder. I thanked him profusely and carried my precious bundle back to my car. I yahooed with joy again and heard him laughing.

I opened the box in my car and just couldn't put my book down on the seat. I then carried it into my house and held it for awhile. I can't start reading it because I have too much to do to get ready to go out of town. If I start, I won't be able to stop. I'm also one of those who likes to peek at the last page, but am resisting temptation with this one.

Yea, Harry Potter! Yea, United States Postal Worker who was so kind!

Woo-hoo!

Hind's Feet

I'm reading a book given to me by my home group leaders. It's called Hinds' Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard. I had to research what the heck hinds' feet were because I've never heard that expression. A Hind is a type of female red deer who is able to put her back feet in the exact spot her front feet were. She doesn't falter going up the mountain because she knows exactly where to step.

Habakkuk 3:19
The Lord GOD is my strength,
And He has made my feet like hinds' feet,
And makes me walk on my high places.

This book is an allegory, not so different from something like Pilgrim's Progress. It is about Much-Afraid and her journey to the High Place. The Chief Shepherd asked her to go there with Him. She lives in the Valley of Humiliation with Fear - her family. I want to share some of it with you, but if right now you're going blah blah blah. . . feel free to skip this post.

So much of the story struck a nerve in me - a nerve I thought was better hidden than it actually is. The Shepherd asks her to allow Him to plant the seed of True Love in her heart. The Seed is very sharp; He lets her know that if she is to know true Love, then she will also have to know Pain. She accepts that and then He tells her she will have two guides to accompany her to the High Place. She, being all giddy on Love, tells Him that she will accept with joy whomever He choses to be her guides. She tells Him that she doesn't feel like she'll ever be afraid again.

He walks with her for awhile, leading her toward the High Place. Soon, though, He tells her He must leave her with her guides now. She is a bit distraught. She wants Him to stay with her. She says that with Him she feels strong. He tells her that He could stay with her and carry her up the mountain, but then she would never develop her hinds' feet and then would not be able to go where He goes. Guess who her companions are? Sorrow and Suffering! Much-Afraid can't believe it! She asks Him why can't He choose Joy and Peace to be her companions. He says, "Will you trust Me, Much-Afraid? Will you go with them, or do you wish to turn back. . . ?"

Isn't that so much like us? We tell our Savior that we will accept His decisions, but then when we get those decisions - um. . . this isn't what I had in mind, Jesus. Are You sure? To be more personal - "Jesus? I didn't want divorce. I don't want loneliness. I don't want what you've chosen for me." How prideful am I? I know better than He? Nothing in my life is by accident. He knew all the steps I would take before I took them. It's easy to trust when things are going well, isn't it?

She asks Him, "Help me to trust You as much as I long to love you." She continues her journey, soon traveling in the Desert. She stops and tells her companions that she can't go that way. It's a total contradiction of all that He promised her. She cries out to Him and He comes to her immediately. "No," said the Shepherd, "it is not a contradiction, only postponement for the best to become possible." She tells Him that it could be months or even years in the desert! He asks her, "Much-afraid, do you love Me enough to accept the postponement and the apparent contradiction of the promise, and to go down there with Me into the desert?"

Do we love Him enough to follow His footsteps where ever they may lead?

Later on, Much-Afraid is attacked by her enemies: Pride, Self-Pity, Resentment and Bitterness. She throws off Pride at one point and the Shepherd is there to celebrate with her. He tells her to remember her promise that she will wait patiently until He gives her her heart's desire.

There's my struggle. I do not wait patiently for my heart's desire. I don't think it will ever come. I don't think He will do it for me. Maybe I should take matters in my own hands? He doesn't care enough because He hasn't given it to me yet. I'm so full of myself. It's a different kind of pride attacking me - not the arrogant "I'm the best" kind of pride. It's the opposite of that. It's the "I'm not worthy of any good thing" kind of pride. More quiet perhaps, but just as deadly.

That's as far as I've gotten in the book. She got through the desert and ascended the Precipice of Injury. She's about to go into the Forest of Danger and Tribulation. She's learning many things. She's learning about acceptance with Joy. She's learning to accept Sorrow and Suffering. I'm so much like her - much afraid of giving up myself and leaning on the Shepherd. My pastor gave me hope and comfort on Sunday. He said that spiritual growth is slow. We live in a culture where everything is based on speed. We want it now and usually we get it now. Spiritual growth is not like that. You don't really see it happening. He compared it to watching children grow. We could stare at them for days, but we won't see it happen.

Just remember, it does happen. It takes effort and trust and work. But it does happen.