Anthony called me today - to complain about Elyssa's weight. Yes, she has gained more than she should. Yes, it is my fault. Yes, I could do better about what we eat. Yes, I have been struggling with some guilt. But - I really don't want to hear it from Anthony. I feel like all he ever does is complain about my parenting. She doesn't wear the right kind of clothes - she doesn't eat right - she's not doing enough - she doesn't go to a private school - and on and on. He never tells me I'm doing a good job raising our daughter. To me, I think he feels like I was a failure as a wife and now as a mother too? And it is me raising her - he sees her maybe 6 days out of the month? So of course, I end up crying which I HATE to do in front of him. He gets quiet. I let him know that I'm sick of him telling me that I'm a failure as a mother. I'm doing the best I can. He lets me rattle on for a few minutes (which isn't like him) and then said, "I've never thought you were a failure as a mom." And proceeds to tell me all the great things I've done with her. That's when I feel the loss. It's supposed to be the two of us raising our daughter, you know? I don't miss him AT ALL. He is not a man of God and I want that more than anything else. I don't know if I can explain exactly what it is that I do miss. I miss the fact that it used to be the three of us and now it is us and them. I hate the fact that Elyssa has to share her time in two places. I miss having someone to help me. I miss having someone to hold me when I cry. It's these times where I am trying to hard to let God hold me, you know? I am finding that He is better at that anyway.
I just wish I understood God's purpose in all of this. What is His ultimate plan for me? When do I get to know? I know that God's ways are not man's ways. That we can't ever understand Him. Job 36:26 "How great is God - beyond our understanding!" And I'm led back to a verse I've already posted, but it's worth mentioning again:
Jeremiah 29:11-14So I will continue to wait patiently for His plans to be made known to me.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity. . . ."
2 comments:
Hey Erin... the post about Anthony triggered interesting thoughts in me and conversations Trae and I have had in the past about God's will in our day to day lives and what He may want. Specifically, your comment about when will God start revealing His will for your life, when will you know. I think that He IS showing you His will and you are there. In MY opionin, and Trae's (though it differs from my brothers and I'm sure many other people's), God in many cases (as long as neither decicision goes against his commandments) is more interested in WHY and HOW you make a decision than what the actual decision is. What I mean by that is: His concern is that you are making a decision as best you can within His will - sometimes you are confused, sometimes you make the wrong decision, but if you are truly seeking His will and you make a wrong decision, He'll honor your heart and He'll honor the fact that you're desire was His will. Not to say there won't be concequences, but God will ultimately acheive His will if that's truly what you sought even if you made an error. Trae puts it this way, "God either paves the way for you or cleans up behind you". But the fact is that He is there honoring your desire to be in His will and in His plan. So, in my opinion, you ARE in His will for your life right now. Anthony was not a man of God you want or need and you must have that in a husband, maybe in this case, God is "cleaning up behind you" and is now honoring your desire to love God first and to find a Godly husband and putting your family back together in a God honoring way, but He has to clean up the path behind and He has to smooth the path ahead - but you are right there, in His will, in His arms... in His hands and He IS honoring the desire of your heart by creating in you a woman driven to have a Godly and Christian home with a Godly and Christian husband... you're there - its so cool - you are SEEING yourself partnered with God as the two of you work on this together and as you build demands for you and your daughter and the home and enviornment you will live in.
Christy - you have an amazing way with words. Tell Trae thanks too. Your words strengthen and encourage me so much. I love you!
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