Shocking, I Know

This isn't going to be a rated G post, so reader beware. And I'm sorry if it's too much info for anyone. If you're concerned about knowing just a bit too much about me - I highly suggest you stop reading now. (Which makes you want to continue, right?) But if this had me in tears on my drive home from school and the thought of writing about it helped me stop, I think it must be written. Plus, I think it's only being read by my three faithful readers (Hi Karen & Christy & Rachel). They are the only ones who have told me they check it daily. Someone could leave me a comment. Did you know that I look for comments every day or so? Not to make you feel bad or anything, but hello? Is anyone out there?

Back to my shocking subject of the day. Jesus is there to fulfill our every need, right? But my need is that I want to be touched and kissed by someone other than my daughter. And more specifically - I'd like to be touched and kissed by a man. A cute man. A fantastically cute Christian man. Does anyone know a man like that? Introduce me.

Where is this coming from, you ask? Today, I'm outside after school on duty. I walk by our cute CM aide (I had a major crush on him last year) and he playfully grabs my shoulder and squeezes. I just about melt. That's sad, isn't it? (All my married friends - go hug and kiss your spouse right now. You don't know how lucky you are to have that available at any time.) So how am I supposed to get through that? How is Jesus going to fulfill that need? I know I could take care if it. I could go out and pick up someone - at least I think maybe I could? Actually, I don't know that for sure. I might be repulsive in some way. I don't know if ugly people know that they are ugly. I actually asked my friend Kelly that at one point. Do ugly people know they are ugly? Maybe I'm walking around thinking I'm not repulsive, but in actuality the show on TV should be called Ugly Erin instead of Ugly Betty. I'm not asking for reassurance here - you have to like me. You're my friend. Anything you say is very biased. Remember how I said no one would sit in my pew at church? It happened at The Village too. Finally a single lady sat near me. What's up with that? What is wrong with me? Anyway - I don't want to go pick up someone. That's not going to do anything but fulfill my need for a short time. And I don't want a short term fix. I want a rest-of-my-life fix.

Things I think you may say:

Wanting affection like that is not really a NEED, Erin. It's just something you want.

Are you someone who has been without for 3 years? It certainly feels like a need.

Those are just earthly desires Erin. You can get over them. Just pray.

Yeah, I know that's true. I'm sure I'll find scripture to support that one. But - grrrrr. I don't like that one.

Just wait, Erin. It will come. You'll be knocked off your feet one day and all this waiting will have been so worth it.

That one's just not really doing it for me anymore. What if (horror beyond horror) God doesn't want me to be in another relationship? What if I am destined to be the old cat lady? That scares the poop out of me. I don't want that. I don't want that with my whole heart!

I am now going to spend some time searching the Bible for an answer. I'll let you know what I find out. And if you have something different to say than what's above - please - leave me a comment. You can do it anonymously you know. I don't have to know it's you saying whatever it is. (And if you just happen to be a fantastically cute Christian man - my number is . . . only kidding - mostly - kind of - yeah, I'm kidding.)