Enough

The sermon tonight was on the temptations of Jesus. Pastor Matt talked about how the last temptation was like tempting Jesus to stay in His comfort zone. "You won't get hurt because the angels won't let you get hurt." (Matt connected it so much better than I can remember. I only remember what struck me the hardest.) Matt said that it's like us - we have to risk getting hurt - we have to risk being known by others. That our biggest fear of being known by others is rejection. We play it safe so as to feel secure. But playing it safe is a false sense of security. Playing it safe all the time, avoiding rejection, is damaging to our soul.

I hate rejection. I know everyone does - but rejection scares me terribly. I hate calling people. I hate asking my friends to do stuff. I hate the thought of them saying no. I seem to get no a lot. My friends all have lives of their own. I feel like I'm intruding. Especially on the weekends when Elyssa is at her dad's. I want them to want to be with me. I don't want to be pitiful Erin who is needy.

This weekend has been horrible. I was so excited by the idea of it. But God has decided that He's not going to let me sin. (I even invited the sin over TWICE and been shot down TWICE! God is very much against it. It's easy to see that.) So I've spent a lot of time on the couch. I've spent a lot of time crying. I've spent a lot of time trying to disappear by reading and watching movies. But each time the movie is over or the book is finished, I'm still alone.

But you know what I've decided? People don't really want to hear that you're sad. People don't want to hear that you're hurting. Especially if it's a hurt that is so deep down it doesn't seem like you'll ever find the bottom, let alone heal it. People would rather see the happy face. I really believe that. Sad, screwed up Erin is not any fun. And friends are supposed to be fun, right?

Then, you know what else I decided? I decided there is something wrong with me because my focus is so self-centered and horrible. I can't get past my hurt. So what kind of friend am I? The world does not revolve around me, but I feel like I'm constantly saying "woe is me!" It's a very vicious circle that I can't get out of and I hate it.

This counseling stuff is bringing crap up that I'm afraid of. What if no one likes me anymore? What if people are sick of hearing that I'm hurting? Why aren't you all saying ENOUGH! Why do you still read? Maybe it's just the fact that a train wreck is fascinating. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what's bubbling down there in the depths of my heart. I'm afraid that everyone will be so sick of hearing about it that they won't hang around. If you see the real me and don't like it - you're gone. Right now I'm like the kid sticking his finger in the dam so that the water doesn't leak out. But the cracks just keep getting bigger and farther apart. I can't keep them all plugged up. It's going to be a nightmare.

I don't even know the point of this post. Just more crazy midnight ramblings from Erin.

Protected From Myself

So I get that God's protecting me from myself. I really do. And I thank Him for it. He knows more than me. He wants me for Himself. He sees the big picture while I only see about 2 seconds worth.

But here's my question (which I'm not really sure I want answered):

If He wants me protected so much, why can't He take away the sadness, the loneliness, the feelings of worthlessness that prevail because what I wanted to happen didn't happen? Why can't He protect me AND help me be happy with it?

What a long freakin' empty weekend. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I sound so pathetic. Why don't I get off my butt and fill up the time? Do something constructive instead of sitting around in a pity party? All I've got are excuses. It's sad.

Reminders

How is it that God knows exactly what someone needs to be reminded of? How is it that the three things I read on someone's blog are exactly what I struggle with? When am I going to stop being surprised by God? And when am I going to trust Him?

I'm pasting her stuff here. I don't know her except that she goes to my church. I'm bored and lonely and was just blog stalking and God uses it to remind me how much I need Him. Why can't I just take His hand and leap? What am I waiting for?

1) I have two tanks inside of me, one is the flesh and one is the spirit. I am not how I feel, so when I don't feel like doing things or acting a certain way that I know the Lord wants me to act then all I have to do is take some of the spirit from the other tank and God will give me the strength to be obedient...even in small things . . . .

2) I am not who people tell me I am, or who the enemy tells me I am. I am a daughter of the King and he loves me no matter what I do or how I react. I don't have to believe the lies, only the truth. I just have to learn how to discern between the two.

3) I am free and I have chosen not to walk in that freedom. The Lord has given me freedom, but I have not accepted it yet. I want to accept it, but I don't think I know how to fully walk in it right now.

Frustrated

AUUUUGGGGHHHH!

Thanks. I just needed to get that out.

I'm so bored!

Redeeming Love

I'm not much into romance novels. I've always shied away from anything by Francine Rivers. I'd heard she was good, but just wasn't interested. Sci-fi is just more my style. But this book is worth the read. It's based on the book of Hosea. God commanded Hosea to marry a prostitute who would break his heart over and over. God allowed Hosea to fall in love with her - just as she was. He got his heart smashed a million times. Hosea had to rescue her from prostitution a few times; had to bear the fact that she had children by other men; and had to purchase her from slavery.

God used Hosea to show us how much He loves us. Hosea's love for his wife is just a glimpse of what God's love is for us.

Amazing to me how God puts things in front of me that show me how's it really supposed to be. How the only way I will be filled is when I fully accept His love for me - that it doesn't take any work on my part. I don't have to earn it. It's there, free. . . I just have to accept it.

Not A Mistake

Big thing in counseling today. I'm not sure what to say. But I realized a lie I've been believing for a long time - a loooooong time. You know I'm adopted. (And if you didn't, surprise!) My counselor has been saying the last few weeks that adults who were adopted as children have issues with being adopted. I assured her that I had no such issues. Nope. Not me. I was special because I was chosen. I was wanted by my parents. The birth mom knew it was a better life for me. She did the right thing. I have no issues with being adopted.

You know what came out today? I have issues with being adopted.

I said I was a mistake. The tears that came (that I still wouldn't let all the way out) were weirdly comforting. I never really knew that I thought that, but the moment I said it out loud, I knew it was the truth. I was a mistake.

The thing is - God doesn't make mistakes, does He? God isn't surprised. God didn't gasp in shock and say, "Holy Crap! How'd that girl get there?" (Did you ever think about how God really is the only one who can truly say holy crap? Sorry. That just gave me the giggles. Can you see Him saying that? And no, Ann, I'm not trying to change the subject.)

So I'm still trying to process it all, but I thought I'd share. I'm not a mistake. I'm not.

Amazing.

Mr Big - To Be With You

There's just something about this song. . . .

Ironic

My temptation - his name is James. My counselor sent this verse to me today:

James 1: 14 - 15
but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full grown, gives birth to death.

You can't say God isn't funny.

Grace

I swear our pastor must have said the word grace 500 times during church tonight. First of all it started with the music. Bleeker is so good at picking songs that match the sermon. All of the songs were about God's unending love and amazing grace. I had to sit down, listen and cry. Why do I continue to wear mascara to church? And I wish I wasn't always alone. It would be nice if I'd have these break-downs when I know someone sitting next to me. (Of course, would I allow myself to break down if I was sitting next to someone I knew?)

I guess I'm in a heart crisis. That sounds really stupid. But I can't think of any other way to describe it. I don't understand grace. I know what it means. But why? Why does He continue to shower my stupidity with grace? How am I worth that? (I know, I know - I'm listening to Satan's lies again.)

Here's the thing - without being too detailed. (Although, why I'm hiding details is beyond me. That's not really my style. I'm sure you'll figure it all out. I'm just refraining from being graphic. Like Patterson said in his sermon tonight - I'm just keeping it PG-13 instead of R.)

Why does God continue to shower grace on sinners who know they are sinning but still continue to sin and still continue to want to sin? It doesn't make sense to me. Like, shouldn't I stop - shouldn't the desire to sin stop once you realize you are heading toward sin? Wouldn't a good Christian flee from temptation as it says in the Bible? I feel like I'm sprinting toward the sin. And I'm not even strong enough to ask God to take the temptation away because I don't want it taken away. I want what I want. God even gives me outs - clear cut ways out of temptation and I refused to take it. I knew it was an out from Him - KNEW it was. Didn't want to have anything to do with it. I basically said, "Nah, God, I've got this one taken care of. I don't need Your help." How can that be forgiven?

At the same time, I want to do what is right in God's eyes too.

But I think I've already decided to do this particular sin. I've certainly got my toes across the line already. How dumb is that? Knowing something is wrong but still knowing that you'll probably end up doing it anyway? So my question becomes - why would God give me grace if I want to do something that I know is wrong but I want to do it anyway? At what point does He finally roll His eyes and say enough is enough? In case you were wondering, I'm not using the "get out of jail free" card. I'm not sinning because I have the freedom to do so. I'm not sinning because I know I'll be forgiven. I'm wondering why on earth I'd be forgiven if I'm knowingly doing something wrong.

How can my heart want two polar opposite things? Well - let's be honest now, shall we? My heart wants one thing. My physical being wants another. It's a battle.

I talked and cried and prayed with my home group leader on the phone tonight. And I meet with my counselor tomorrow. (She got on my case last week because she finally figured out that I'm a master of changing the subject when things get too deep and I start to tear up. As soon as those tears start coming, my brain goes into overdrive to figure out a way to get the tears/feelings far far away from me. I'm really good at it - it's automatic. I'll even make it sound like my changing the subject is not really changing the subject so the person will listen and then - poof - the feelings/tears are gone. She said she'd be more vigilant on not letting me run away from those. She's going to try to break the master down. Ha. We'll see. ;-) Ann, I know you're reading. I'll tell you right now - I won't want to break down when I see you tomorrow. Be ready for some masterful strokes of genius.)

Pray for me. I'm not praying the right way. I'm trying, but not really meaning it. I'm even praying for help so I can mean what I'm saying. Augh! Why does He love me so much? I'm a mess.

Not a Rottweiller

This sentence from The Search for Significance made a lot of sense to me:

If making achievements and gaining approval are our primary means for obtaining self-worth, we will tenaciously hold to them until we are absolutely convinced that only God's love and acceptance of us can ultimately meet this need.

I don't want to be a rottweiller holding tight to a lie. I want the freedom of His grace.

Feelings Don't Matter

I read something last night and it was very profound to me. You see, I have issues. I have horrible automatic thoughts that almost always lead me straight to thinking I'm not good enough. I'd say I was working on it, but sometimes that doesn't even feel true. Let it suffice to say that I'm hoping to work on it. My counselor even prayed last time, "Lord - what am I going to do with her?" It made me laugh. She's awesome.

Anyway, I'm re-reading The Search for Significance and doing the study in the back. It starts with self-worth, which is what I'm lacking somehow. Not prideful, full of yourself, self-worth. The author describes it like this: "True self-worth, unlike pride, is not based on an evaluation of our performance." I am constantly evaluating my performance and always falling short. Impossible expectations.

I read the promises of God and to be perfectly honest, they sometimes just feel like words to me. I'll catch myself thinking, "Well, Paul wrote this but he wasn't really talking about me too. It's for everyone else or it's just for him." That's horrible, I know. It's like I'm not accepting that all scripture is God breathed. It's like I'm choosing to not believe a fundamental truth - a basic truth - a cornerstone.

On a related topic, I don't let myself feel a lot of the time. It's like I don't let the feelings come to the surface because I don't like them. So I just stuff them down and hope they don't come up again. But they always do. And I won't ever be free until I allow myself to really feel the crap. I think my feelings are stupid - I'm told they're not, but I still think they are. But they are just feelings.

And this is what I read that blew my mind:

You may feel very happy and thankful {after reading God's truths}, you may be overwhelmed with the magnitude of God's love, or you may be thinking, This can't be true. I don't feel like this at all. That's okay. It's better to be honest and feel pain than to deny it and try to convince yourself that you are happy. Remember, your feelings are not the basis of truth. God's Word is our authority. What He says is true, whether or not we feel it. The more we understand God's Word and live by it, the more our feelings will reflect His character and love.

I'm trying to focus on that right now. It doesn't matter how I feel - the truth never changes. What God says is true, whether I feel it or not. That comforts me a little. I want to feel it, but for now, logically knowing that no matter what, His promises are true - that helps.

I think my next post will be about why I don't believe. That should be great fun. sigh.

What's The Feeling?

Remember my recent downward spiral? So that happened last Saturday night and I wrote about it on Sunday. That Monday my counselor made me analyze exactly what was going on in my head when I started down that slippery slope. She made me describe the scene and then stopped me and asked me to look at my feelings. Could I remember them?

It's the first time I started to cry in counseling. It's funny how tough I think I have to be. I may be crying on the inside, but you'll not see it. You'll see me laughing. I wonder how many of you can see the tears under the laughter? Anyway, I digress....

The feeling I had could only be explained as an emptiness. I wasn't sure if that was the kind of word she was looking for, but that's the only way I could describe it. She told me to focus on the feeling so that I could recognize it next time. Then I could tell Satan I wasn't going to believe his crap any more.

Friday night I went to the Stars game with my good friend Rachel and her roommate. They were both in the front seat and I was in the back. Both of them were texting boys. I didn't have anyone to text and that feeling came roaring in - empty, empty, empty. All of a sudden, I recognized the feeling for what it was and quietly told Satan to get the hell out of the car! It was just kind of cool to realize what was coming and nip it before it got a hold of me. I prayed for a few minutes, asking God to keep me from believing Satan's lies.

Hopefully I'll continue to see it for what it is and not fall for the trap.

Quick Question

I read other blogs and most people don't go into specific detail like I do. So my question is this - is it a good thing or a bad thing to go into specific detail?

I know we all like hearing the "dirt" in other people's lives - you can try to deny it, but you know it's true! :-) But is it good for the dirty person to spread all their dirt out there? I know I feel good getting it out. But does that make it right?

Know what I just noticed? I'm worrying about what other people think. AUGH! Who cares if you think it's a good idea. I like writing this way, so I'm gonna keep doing it!

and so ends another moment in the brain of Erin. . . . aren't you so glad you stopped by?

Briefly Free

I had one of those brief moments of clarity. It didn't stay long, but for just a second in church tonight, I think I felt what it must be like to live freely and fully in the grace of God's love. It's like my heart did a little thing. I don't remember what Pastor Matt was saying. . . something about how so many people think they have to act a certain way or do certain things in order to win God's approval. I think I've been that way for most of my life. Intellectually I know that I can't do anything to win His approval and that's why He freely gives His grace and love to me. But my whole life - I've been the good kid. I didn't drink until college - and even waited until after soccer season - I wasn't going to drink while I was in training. (My logic - so silly.) I didn't have sex until I met my stupid X when I was 18. (I'd saved myself for so long! Why oh why did I give in? I really think that's the only reason I married him - I'd already given him that which was only to go to my husband. OK - getting off topic. That's for another day.) I've never done any drugs. I never even smoked a cigarette. (Although I did light one for my friend once b/c I wanted to look cool - silly Erin.) I came home on time - mostly. I got good grades. I was good at soccer. I didn't lie, cheat or steal. My brother was so messed up, that somewhere I got the idea that I had to be good because he was so bad. I can remember my dad telling me how he very much appreciated that I did the right things. I think that just reinforced the idea in my head. My parents needed me to be good because Riley was so bad. I'm not blaming them - just explaining how I think it might have started.

Anyway, in church my heart did this little thing. I can't explain it really - but I'll try. It felt like an openness. I guess it was just freedom - release. It wasn't empty - just open. But something immediately clamped back down and the feeling was gone. I'm not beating myself up about the fact that it went away so quickly. I've been locked down for 36 years. It's not going to happen right away. But feeling it so briefly makes me want to feel it again.

Is it a trust issue? I don't know. I'm sure it's tied to my feeling of having no value. As my counselor would say, I'm believing Satan's lie over God's truth.

FYI - My temptation is returning from out of the country in one week. We've been IMing a lot. We've made plans to go out again. I want to. Very much. But maybe I shouldn't. But I want to. Very much. Intellectually I know he's a temptation because he likes me. He makes me feel worthy. Intellectually I know that that's not where I get my worthiness. But my heart wants to go out because he makes me feel beautiful and I like it. Augh!

The Answers

I know you've been dying to know!


3263827 - The garbage smasher everyone is trapped in. Luke yells this number to C3PO.
94 - the docking bay that the Millennium Falcon is in on Tatooine.
r2 - R2D2 (duh!)
17000 - the number of credits that Obi Wan will pay Han Solo to take them to Alderaan.
1138 - Leia's cell on the Death Star.
2 - 2 meters is how big the exhaust port is on the Death Star. Luke says he used to bullseye womp rats back home, and they're not much bigger than 2 meters.
12 - 12 parsecs is how fast the Falcon made the Kessel Run.
.5 - The Falcon can go .5 past lightspeed. (That's pretty fast!)
52577 - Release date of the first movie - May 25, 1977

Don't ya just love it?

Christmas Cards

I got the cards ordered today. I love making this stuff!

Ah-Ha!

It's funny. I've read stuff like this before:

Spiritual growth is not magic. It comes as we apply the love and forgiveness of Christ in our daily circumstances. It comes as we reflect on the unconditional acceptance of Christ and His awesome power and choose to respond to situations and people in light of His sovereign purpose and kindness towards us.

Search for Significance (p. 121)

But I've never really thought about how I respond to myself! I'm horrible to myself usually. I try hard not to respond horribly to others, but have no problem responding horribly to myself. It was just an ah-ha moment.

I loved reading in black and white that spiritual growth is not magic.

God's showing His love for me over and over. I got this in an email today from Pastor Matt's weekly email:

I was reading Matthew 7:9-11 last night. It says, "Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!" I know this text sounds simple. It's simple but it's significant. I enjoy giving gifts to my children, Audrey and Reid. It brings me an immense amount of joy to watch them laugh and get excited. The reason I love giving, though, is because I love them. Jesus is saying that if we know how to give gifts out of love—we, who have sin in our lives—how much more must God, who has no sin, be able to love us? Now, I don't want us to get sidetracked talking about gifts. It's the love that's significant. It is out of His love for us that He gives good gifts. How profound. He loves you. Right now you are reading this email and the God of the universe loves you, knows your hurts, doubts, frustrations and joys and loves you. Think on that for a few minutes.

I got tears in my eyes. Right now while I'm writing this - God love me. He knows all my crap, and He loves me still. Awesome!

Chew-pumpkin

I know Halloween was long ago, but here's a cute picture of how my class decorated our pumpkin.

How Well Do You Know Star Wars?

I can proudly say that I knew what every one of these numbers meant in Star Wars. A friend did have to slightly correct my thinking (darn it - he's not supposed to know more than me!) on one item. How many do you recognize?

Downward Spiral

I guess it's good that I'm noticing the downward spiral, but I wish I was past the point of just noticing and able to nip it in the bud. It frustrates me.

A friend I love dearly is in the micro-beginnings of a maybe relationship. It's not that I'm jealous - OK, maybe it is that I'm jealous. But it's not the jealous like when you don't want good things to happen for others or when you think badly of them or whatever. You know what I mean? I love the excitement I see on her face. I love the way she is letting God be in charge. She is one who deserves this more than anyone I know. I guess it's the jealous of why can't I? So I go from hearing that to I wonder why she didn't tell me earlier (I must not be that good of a friend) to why can't I (I'm just not good enough for someone to like me) to crying in the car (I'm hopeless) to yelling at my daughter (I'm sure somewhere thinking I'm not a good mother) to slamming doors. . . and down down down.

It all goes to that stupid core belief I have that I'm not valuable or worthy to be loved. (Funny how I had just shared with my home group that I felt like my light bulb was really flickering on that subject. And wrote about it with such confidence last night. Ha.)

So, my counselor says when I do this, I'm believing Satan's lie over God's truth. I don't want to believe Satan's lie. He really knows how to lay it on though, doesn't he? He knows exactly what to do to me. He knows exactly what will push the "not worthy" button and he goes for it with gusto.

What bothers me the most is that I feel like I'm just not getting some point that will help me turn the corner. I know it's a process. But I feel like I should be farther along the road than I am. Why do I continue to fail in this? I mean, I suppose the fact that I recognize it as an asinine downward spiral with no merit whatsoever is a good thing. I guess that shows some progress - but all I feel is the failure of not getting it. What I need right now is to just pick myself up yet again, spend some time with my Savior and remind myself of His truth.

He's the only one who can get my light bulb turned back on.